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@mike2014, thats funny. sometimes i think about that. everyone keeps telling me my ex will be so curious where i am and what I’m doing if i just stop reaching out and everyone says thats the plan of action. maybe they’re right but i feel like my ex is just really focused on himself right now so i don’t know how much that makes a difference. I’m nc now but just because he’s seeing someone. I’m not one for playing games really. maybe i should’ve try to be less open with him but I’m just starting to realize that our exes will come back only if they really want to. i doubt any of our actions make much difference.
but yes, from a girls opinion, it drives me nuts when i don’t hear from my ex (or from another guy I’m wanting to hear from!). so it might drive her nuts but i still think you should just be honest with her about how you feel when youre ready. seems like you and her were a great match so i really hope it works out for youI wanted to share what I’m going to a say to her pretty much. Maybe you gals can give me some advice on it. Don’t feel obligated tho.
It’s weird but when we got called in to say our final goodbyes to my X before they took in for life saving surgery . I looked in through the window and saw my X holding X hand.X had all these tubes in and was on a ventilator. The love i saw X had for x after so many years was unbelievable. It was like she was dying right there with X. It’s strange I guess, but a picture popped up in my head and it was of you lying there dying and me holding your hand. I became overcome with the feeling I would be dying right there with you as well if that was the situation.
I can honestly say you breaking up with me was the best thing for me. The last year of our relationship I really became a different person. I lost myself. I didn’t love myself and in turn could not love you. I started to deflect how I felt for myself on our relationship. I always loved you, but at that time couldn’t really love you like I wanted or you deserved. Im sorry about that. I took these last months to really reflect and change. The change started when I got that new responsibly at xxxxxxxx in May. I started to get better and feel self worth right away. I felt like a breathe of fresh air came over me. I got back to being who I was when you first met me. I don’t know if we were still together that could have happened.
I have been on some dates and go out and try to meet people. Through these experiences, I came to realize the type of person you are. You are truly a person with class and self respect. You have great morals and ethics. You are the sweetest, nicest person I ever met. You would do anything to help others and never expect anything in return. I regret how I treated you at the end. You really are the most beautiful girl I ever met. Please stop telling yourself you aren’t. I digress to my original point. Going out brings me back to how I felt inside when I first saw you walk into that class. I literally had butterfly’s in my stomach and I didn’t know why. There was just something about that moment that always sticks with me. When we first hung out I was so nervous I tried to call it off. I just didn’t know if I was good enough for you. i am happy I got to know you. I fell in love with you so fast and it scared me( the romantic dinner at your house). I know I deflected the ugliness at the end I had inside on you and I’m sorry. I never stopped caring about you and I don’t know if I ever will.
I’m in such a better place now then I have been in sooo long. I have let my insecurities that I struggled with go. There is just one huge thing that is missing from my life. A big part of my heart still hurts. I feel that pain still. I can’t burry that feeling no matter how hard I try. I want the opportunity to start a new relationship with you. The last one is dead and the person I was at the end is dead. I don’t want to ever go back to that. I can’t promise you a perfect relationship, but I can promise you that I will work as hard as I can to make up for all my mistakes. I will put 100 percent effort into a new relationship with you. I will never make you feel alone again or that you are doing all the work or putting in more than me. I believe in fate, true love, and love at first sight. I don’t want to go the rest of my life knowing I didn’t put in the effort to get you back. I don’t want to give up or live the rest of my life with regrets.
This is just pretty much what I will say but I won’t read it to her. It will be spoken and I’m sure things will be added or admitted in the moment.
i actually teared up from reading that!!! i think everyone in the world who still loves their ex would want to hear this exact thing. it sounds so honest and from the heart and shows how much you love her – how you’ve tried to move on, how you’ve bettered yourself, and how you now know and appreciate how much you want her and are willing to do what it takes. truthfully, this will have a huge impact on her. especially with you coming out and saying it in person, she will for sure be very emotional over that.
have you decided when you will say this? or where? i really am crossing my fingers this works out for you. i feel like you really used to break up to go and mature and handled it respectfully and are going back to her out of true and genuine love. i also believe in true love and all that goes along with it and i think its so great youre giving this one last shot. living with regrets is the worst possible thing and even if she wont reconcile after this, you will know you did absolutely everything you could to make it work. i am really hoping this works for you!!Thanks for your response Atea,
I’m not someone in general who has been great expressing feelings and emotions but since my breakup I have really been giving in to them. Writing these thoughts came natural and it flowed off my mind all at once. I wrote it down one night before i fell asleep and really didn’t add or change anything. It’s weird how that works sometimes. I think if I struggled to come up with the words to express, reaching back out wouldn’t have been a possibility. The fact I can still feel what I wrote tells me something about us and how much she does mean to me.
I also really do feel I have changed or I wouldn’t waiste her time. I just hope my words resonate in her and she can see how truthful every word is. It’s scary in a way because I don’t if she will give me a second chance. I hope her reaching out after all this time and being emotional is really a true sign that she does still care for me and care enough to not be stubborn with her decision.
I guess I havnt decided where, but it will be in a private setting. Maybe when I walk her to her care after we see each other. The next time we talk I will say about getting together to grab something to eat or see a movie. When I last saw her, she is the one who mentioned how we should still hang out if I want that. I just said about maybe seeing a movie and she said that sounds like a good idea. I told her to let me know when she wants to do that. I know she always packs her schedule with things to do and works quit a few nights. Even when we went out our schedules were heavy and we had to plan nights in advance to hang out. we both worked a few nights a week. 12-14 hour work days were not uncommon for both of us. With me not being her priority anymore I can understand why she never followed up with hanging out recently I guess. I don’t think she will be opposed to meeting up. She never has been.
Thanks for the encouragement.
@mike2014 that’s a great letter/speech! I’m really excited to hear how it goes. From a girl’s perspective, it’ll definitely move her and if she wants to reconcile, that should be the perfect cue for her. I hope it goes well, good luck!!
My update: So he responded to my email like a couple hours later. He said he was so sorry things went down like that, and he explained that he’d basically decided we could use some NC after our last meetup which got really emotional, but he never thought it would be for good and he’d thought about contacting me several times and wants us to get together for coffee at some point etc etc. Bleugh. He’s exactly like atea’s ex, there’s nothing you can technically hold against him, because he’s all “nice”, but then again it still manages to make you feel like shit somehow. I really wish he hadn’t responded. I don’t want his leftovers.
Mike,
There is def a soft side to you and it’s really nice to hear. You will probably confuse her a little by this emotion as she’s not that used to it. If you maintain this kind of compassion then she eventually will get used to that part of you. How can a girl turn down compassion!Unimare,
Do you. It think your ex is genuine then?@mike2014, definitely do it in a private setting! my ex and i had our conversation in december in a park. it was freezing but much less awkward than at one of our apartments or in a restaurant with other people! it seems you really have grown and changed and i think the fact that she does still communicate with you is positive. i think most people who just want to be rid of their ex wouldn’t bother reaching out. i think you should definitely ask her this week! it will be nice to say you did all you could.
@unimare, ugh were you annoyed with that response? i actually agree with him that nc was probably respectful on his end since last time was emotional and he was trying to give you the space to move on. my ex is the same though. it always makes me feel worse when he’s nice but still doesnt say what i want to hear! as for coffee, i would definitely hold off unless you feel really strong emotionally. when my ex and i met for coffee i was thrown off for weeks after because he was so emotional, kissed me, told me he loved me, etc. but still wouldn’t commit and i left extremely frustrated only to be told later “i want to get back together one day but I’m not ready right now.” now i know i definitely will not see him again unless I’m 100% indifferent (which probably will take years) or unless he is single, wants to reconcile, and wants to talk about working on things.
@belle, how are you feeling today?? i woke up kind of sad, just this empty pit in my stomach, but i will power through!Atea,
Sorry you’re feeling sad today :-(. I know the feeling all too well but today has been a good day so far, sun is out, I went to a job interview and I’ve decided to go and have my tarot cards read by this really good lady apparently,she’s very positive and has 300 people on her books. She can guide you through times like this and be optimistic for whatever outcome there will be. I know people think it’s a whole load of rubbish but the end of the day if I come out feeling good and positive for a way forward even if it’s all in the mind then surely that’s money well spent!Are you feeling any better since this morning?
belle,
I’ve been wanting to get my tarot cards read!!! i can never find anyone who wants to go with me and i get nervous to go alone! thats great about the interview. how did it go? i think that definitely can help people feel positive sometimes. its still the morning here and its a rainy, icy miserable day! I’ve made plans to get lunch with a friend and have a presentation in my class later to prepare for so nothing too exciting overall.
i had a long chat with my therapist this morning. I’ve struggled with OCD for a long time and she told me she thinks I’m taking this breakup particularly hard because i tend to obsess over things and this happens to be with I’m obsessing over now. i think she’s right. as much as i miss my ex and am sad about all thats happening i think a large part of my problem is that i obsess over whatever is bothering me. last year for example when i had all my graduate school applications out, i didn’t sleep or eat for weeks and months before when i was anxiously waiting for my decisions. this is something i need to work on and not a good disorder when it comes to dealing with this ambiguous break up!Thanks for your responses, appreciate it.
I never went to a reader, but I did have this stripper once tell me how my personality is affected by my sign. It was crazy but she was totally correct lol. I was shocked.
Unimare,
I agree with the others. His response seemed genuine and did make sense. He also did respond rather quick to your email which is nice.Atea,
Hope you are feeling better as the day is going on. Everyday is a bit of a struggle and I understand.
Atea,
Two birds of a feather! I’m the same, I can over obsess, I don’t have OCD but we do joke about it! I’m obsessed about certain things, they have to be just right and one big one is my bed. Don’t even go there, I can talk about my bed for hours! Haha. The duvet has to sit just right, it has to be ever so slightly to the right so I don’t get too much of it. I’m a nightmare when it comes to my bed.
Anyway, I can get into subjects and analyse, find out everything I can and then I feel happy to put it down and think about other things. So yes, relationship break ups are hard on me, but is think it’s hard on everyone it just depends at what point you need to keep focusing on it till it all melts away. It’s like nothing in the world can speed the process up, it’s a natural ending in our minds and we just have to wait till the penny drops.Again,anything that can help the process along is great, for me tarot reading is usually a great experience and if you go to a good one then they will comfort you and give you focus.
I’ve gone to good ones and bad ones in the past and the good ones are spot on.
I’d go with you atea, we could get our cards read together and we can drag mike along too!Mike, what the hell were you doing to the stripper for her to discuss star signs!! Lol
Haha belle,
It’s not a real big place. I go there with friends to play pool. She came over to talk and I guess she’s big into signs so asked me mine. That’s pretty much the situation, nothing craZy going on in the champagne room lol.
@belle, i would go with you!!! that is hysterical about your bed because i am the exact same way!! i make my bed first thing every morning and am completely neurotic about where my pillows line up, there can’t be any wrinkles, etc. I’m also the same way with my closet. my roommate comes home all the time to find me refolding everything i own and i think she thinks I’m crazy! everything needs to be neat and folded perfectly. I’m also the same way with my daily to do lists- everything is color coated, organized, etc. I’ve always had OCD and its been a problem for me in the past. but I’m exactly the same way about finding a subject, analyzing every single thing about it, and researching until there is literally nothing else to know! I’ve been doing this so much through this break up. i find myself on the internet for hours at a time reading any break up stories that sound similar to mind, how they worked out, etc. its truly exhausting! i also have a very hard time convincing myself to obsess over something else. hopefully something new will come naturally to me!
last year when i was in the middle of all my applications, i would look at every website for about 6 months and analyze all the data needed to get accepted to schools, when decision were released, etc. it was truly exhausting! i think the hard thing for me about this break up is that i can analyze all i want but no one can tell me how things will work out! some people reconcile after months, some after years, and some never do. there is truly no way to predict and i drive myself crazy looking for concrete answers when in reality, there are none! I’m hoping at some point my focus shifts to something else but I’m per 4 months out now and thats yet to happen…
i guess this is when being a type A, control freak is not a good thing!!! i have no control over my ex and his emotions or actions or even over my own thoughts!mike, seriously?! a stripper discussed your start signs with you?! thats hysterical. i never believed in any of that tarot reading, astrological sign stuff but now i feel like i am getting desperate for any kinds of answers!
Ok, I dont want to sound completely irrational, but yes it annoyed me!! Im sure he was genuine in his lukewarm sentiment about feeling bad about making me sad or giving mr space so I can deal with my emotions privately where he doesnt have to look at it. What’s comforting about that?? Comforting would be expressing any kind of distress over not having me in his life. Or being an asshole, that would also be more comforting than that patronising response. Yes, I’m a mess and he continues to be just a nice guy that didn’t want to be with me anymore. Am I weird for finding that upsetting? And no, I have no desire to have pity coffee with him.
@Belle I think a tarot card reading sounds really fun! Dont give her too much info right off the bat and see if she gets anything right. Would be interesting. But of course the main point of it is mostly just therapeutic, but still cool! Let us know what you thought of it.
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