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@unimare, send it now! you will feel much better to get it all off your chest.
@belle, I’m sorry. it must be tough to go somewhere where you and your ex have many memories together. I’ve been trying to avoid all those places because its so painful. i also don’t think he’s going to settle down with this new girl. he made it very clear he wants to date around. i need to not obsess over it all the time because it wont change anything. even if he stays with her for a couple months, thats nothing compared to the history i shared with him. he told me he wanted to date others and thats the only way he would ever find his way back so i need to relax and just leave it up to fate. i will say nc is so much easier now that i know he’s seeing someone though so thats the one positive that came out of me knowing that. my ex and i were so happy together also – always always laughing. we had a very carefree and fun relationship. of course every relationship has its issues. your ex needs time to let go of the negative memories and start to feel nostalgic for the good ones. i think strict nc will help him with that. if you keep emailing him now about whats going on and the breakup, fighting, etc. it is bringing the issues to surface. eventually the negative feelings will fade and he will remember all the good times. unfortunately time is really the only thing to help us here!! either with moving on or bringing them back. it absolutely sucks and not knowing what my situation will look like 6 months from now or a year from now makes me very antsy but i feel the whole situation is out of my control right now. all i can control are my actions which right now is to be in nc. if he wants to reconcile, hell come to me. and besides, under 90 days until my birthday when he told me i can expect a phone call so hopefully ill have a better read on the situation then. he’s only just started dating so this will all take time. i think for your ex it will take around 3 months for the negative memories to fade and the good ones to come to surface. i would reach out to him then in a light, friendly wayAtea, yes, I’ve known for a while I had to do 90 days NC, I know a long time has to go by for him to start thinking of me in a positive light.
I’m useless…I can 2 weeks NC then I start freaking out… I think you’re the same atea.
Maybe this time round we can both stick to NC! I think we need to get to that comfortable place where it doesn’t bother us so much, we are still raw and emotional and feel the desperate need to reach out. It’s like we can’t do one simple thing like not contact them and just that alone could bring them back! It’s nuts! Why is it so bloody hard!Did you have a date last night? If so, how did it go?
Unimare, why don’t you want to reconcile?
I’m the same way, belle! i did make it through 30 days of nc once (early december to early january) but everything else has been 2-3 week periods. i do hope now though that i know he has a new girl that i will be able to refrain. i would feel pathetic to text him while he was on a date or sleeping with someone else. whenever I’ve felt tempted I’ve reminded myself of this. plus i really do think he needs to experience his life without me before he can ever truly decide. if i don’t contact him for 3 months and he doesnt feel sad or panicked over losing me, that will say something about him! i think knowing he has this new girl hopefully gave me the kick i needed for nc. i really don’t want to discuss the relationship anymore because i know how he feels and i would feel so silly for having small friendly conversations with him while he’s seeing someone. we can do this!!! we need to get through a significant period of time. i think its helping me knowing about my birthday in less than 90 days because i know he will be the one to break nc then and he did say he would want to touch base about all these feelings. its already almost mid-february, i can make it!! we both need to work on self control! lately whenever i feel the urge, i call a girlfriend to catch up. i have a list of friends who i rotate through to call and it seems to be working well for the time being. we need to be strong!!! i think after we get through the first 30 days it will get easier.
a friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend in july and he had NO interest in reconciling despite how much she begged and pleaded and kept in touch. she also would go 2-3 weeks nc and then break down. finally she had enough and lasted a full 6 weeks and even said she was starting to move on from him and thats when he called to reconcile. we need to stay motivated in nc!! I’ve decided whenever i finish 2 weeks nc i will buy myself a small reward to help keep me motivated. this break up is turning out to be quite expensive!!!
this nc is soo hard and we are so emotional but I’m hoping it will continue to lessen over time. the horrible knot i had in my stomach for the last week has finally subsided. this girl he’s seeing isn’t ME. i actually think he will begin to appreciate me more if he dates other girls so this hopefully can be one step closer towards reconciling. whenever we want to reach out we must post in here and not allow ourselves to do it!!!
i did have a date last night! it went well. this new guy is very nice, smart, attractive, etc. but unfortunately isn’t my ex! its a nice distraction though and nice to have someone interested in me so i will take things slowly for now and see how it goes. this semester i am working on my thesis for my masters program (100 page paper) so towards the end of the semester i will be so busy with that anyway. not exactly a fun distraction but something to do!
how are you feeling today?Okay, thank you so much for your support, girls! I sent the letter and I feel a lot better. At first I felt a bit nauseous, so I logged out from everywhere and went to wash the dishes, but now I feel much lighter. I don’t intend to log onto my e-mail today, because I feel like I would be checking to see if he’d replied and I wouldn’t want to deal with that right now. But hopefully he won’t. Judging by his main characteristics of avoidance, he might not even read it. Anyway, that’s all done with now. I’m definitely glad I did it now. Holding on hope for some gesture of kindness on his part is all I’ve been doing for the past five weeks, and I need to STOP. It’s not happening. I need to stop waiting and move on.
@Belle , I don’t want to reconcile, because during my 5 weeks of NC, I came to realize that he was not the best match for me, I would never really be happy, because I’m always wanting more from him than he can deliver, and because really in hindsight, I don’t think he loved me very much. Or maybe he did, but he’s never felt that all encompassing love that makes you want to do crazy things and throw caution to the wind. I deserve someone who feels that way about me, and he deserves to feel that way about someone. Funny, after having sent the letter (which was a bit blame-y and cold) I feel much less hostile towards him. But I still feel he deserved to experience these emotions that I have been struggling with for months while he’s been out drinking and partying and meeting girls. Maybe if we’d have met at a later point in life and he’d have been in a place in his life where he no longer only puts himself first in everything, we could have worked out. But I’m done with the “what ifs” !!!I can’t emphasize enough how much the NC helped me. I went through all the emotions, sadness, anger, desperation, stalking him near his workplace, looking for excuses to contact him, etc etc, you’ve all been here to see it! But not breaking NC gave me back my power and gave me the time I needed to really put into perspective what I wanted. So I strongly encourage you @belle and @atea1234 to just keep NC! And keep going one day at a time! And find things to distract you. With you, atea, it’s very straight forward. You’re “doing time”, there’s nothing you can do in the present to change his mind, so you just have to wait, and hopefully wait while having some fun yourself. And you’ve experienced first hand that every time you break NC, even if there’s some instant gratification in it, you ALWAYS feel worse after it. Because there’s nothing he can say at this point that will make things better, only worse (like oversharing about his dating habits). Belle, your situation is a bit trickier. I really don’t understand your ex! I don’t know if he just needs time or if he’ll ever be capable of putting your past behind you. But I don’t think there’s anything you can do to affect the process either way. I’m glad you’ve decided on 90 days NC, that sounds like a good plan. Afterwards, you might want to try to contact him again from a very unemotional place, no desperation in sight, but still show him you care about him. Or maybe you won’t want to. In any case, there’s a lot of healing to do on all fronts.
@unimare, im so glad nc gave you the clarity you needed to move on from the relationship. i hope you get some kind of reply from the email just because reaching out with new reply, i find is extremely frustrating. I’m so happy your recognize what you deserve and that he might not be able to give it to you. in retrospect i wish i could feel this way about my ex, but the more i look back, the more i think we really were a great match. your read on my situation is 100% correct. I’m truly doing time because he is not changing his mind right now but he also will not tell me the door is forever closed either. i really need to wait to see how his new relationship plays out, how he feels in a few months, etc. it sucks. but youre right, i need to somehow try to have fun while I’m doing this time. youre also spot on about breaking nc – he tells me he loves me, theres a good chance for us, etc. and i end up feeling happy for a little but then its always a setback. nothing he says unless its “i want to get back together” will make me feel better now. i also learned that i do not want to know about his dating life at all. the only option now is nc to try to distance myself from the situation and I’m sure i will hear from him if he either starts a serious relationship with someone else or wants to work on ours. so i need to really be stronger with nc. I’m hoping now i can have the push i need because i saw how distraught i was this past week over speaking with him
Atea, you did amazingly well to do the initial 30 days, I remember you had said. I know exactly what you mean about contact with your ex while he has a gf. I mean it would be so embarrassing to contact him now. I would do the same and I remember when D mentioned a gf I just disappeared for months!! Lol.
It’s nice the guy your seeing ticks boxes, but yeah.. He could be brad Pitt and still not be your ex, I completely get where you’re at. It’s like D, he can get any girl he wants but he chooses me, yet for me… He’s not my ex! As you say, it’s nice to be attractive towards someone and for us to get out and live a normal life for a few hours! Haha. Before getting back home and start obsessing again! LolNow I’m beginning to get over this nasty cold I had this week I feel much more myself and stronger again. Going to that town today could have really sent me into an emailing frenzy to my ex and yes I did think about it and actually typed out a message to him. Thankfully I deleteted it as I thought nothing I will say will change his mind, he’s in a mind set and he will remain in that way until he’s decided otherwise.
Maybe I need to do a thesis to get my mind off things!
Treating ourselves is good! We are worth it you know and so what if it’s expensive! Nobody else is going to treat us are they!
Tuesday I’ve got a hydrotherapy facial booked. Very expensive! Expecting great things from it! Haha.
I too will find something to treat myself in 2 weeks time, spring is around the corner so the wardrobe will need some new additions!Hello everyone.
I agree with what everyone has said to you @unimare and I’m glad you have sent it now and it’s off your chest!
Hang in there @atea1234 and @Belle!
Feeling very lethargic, depressed, demotivated and stressed at the same time. I’ll report back later, right now everything just feels rubbish!
I’ll be a break up warrior queen tomorrow
Unimare,
I’m glad you sent the letter. Keep in touch over any responses. Do you think he will respond at all?
It would be civil if he had it in him to respond, but you know, these guys sometimes amaze me in what they just can’t do.I’m glad the NC worked out for you. Sometimes we can’t see the woods for the trees but it sounds like you’re thinking clearly and rationally. Well done.
As for my ex. Your dead right. Does he need time or will he harbour bad feelings for ever more. It’s all out of my hands and if we never get back together then clearly it just wasn’t meant to be. NC way to go for me!
@aphrodite, hope you feel better soon!!! the bad days are awful.
@belle, thats exactly how i feel about the guy I’m seeing! and yes so in a way knowing about my ex’s new girl is a blessing in disguise because i think it will really prevent me from reaching out right now. who knows if it will last 3 weeks, 3 months or 3, or 3 years so not trying to be involved there. he told me he would let me know if it got serious so really now what would i ask him? I’m glad youre beginning to feel stronger! sometimes writing out the emails and not sending them helps me as well. i agree that nothing you say can change his mind right now. you just need to give him a chance to drop these negative feelings. I’m glad to hear about your facial!!! I’ve been treating myself to new clothes, makeup, manicures, etc. i think its important to take care of ourselves at this time because i feel like my life is in such turmoil and probably will be for the next months or even years. ugh! spring wardrobe shopping is a great idea!!! I’ve been doing plenty of that. and my mom and i have a trip to a spa booked coming up next month so that will be a nice treat 🙂 i keep thinking of nc in small chunks and its helpful. knowing were almost halfway through february and then i think of all lovely things i have planned for march and then before i know it it will be april and we will get the chance to speak. I’m aware i have really high hopes for this call coming and hope not to be disappointed but its the only thing getting me through the days right now so when the time comes i will just have to take it for what it is! regardless i think if we both stick to 90 days nc we will feel stronger even if our exes still don’t want to reconcile. hang in there!Take your time Aphrodite, we know your still there even if you don’t post.
Tomorrow is another day and break up warriors will reunite once more!I’m not even really sure what the term rebound means. I’m different in how I have always viewed relationships. I prefer a girl who will make me wait before we do anything. I want to get to know the person if I feel I really like them. If a girl wants to hook up soon it’s hard for me not to not associate that a different way. It makes me think what have they done in the past and it bugs me out. I’m not normal I think in that respect, I know now what I want in a relationship and have an idea of what I want when it comes to my next girlfriend. It could happen tho where I meet someone and we do hookup rather fast and it does feel natural and I really like that person. most of the girls who approach me lately if I don’t have an initial good feeling about them it’s hard for me to not be skeptical and be kind of cold. I need to have an initial good feeling first to even get to know someone. Iv always been like this and small things people do really turn me off. I could be hopeless moving forward lol.
I will say this. When I met my ex she was about half year out of her high school relationship. They dated I guess 2 years. We never talked about it really and I don’t know anything about him. I never wanted to talk because the only time she did say something I got really mad and she never said anything else. I used to have a temper in my early 20’s but once I met her I dropped it fast. I knew she deserved better than someone with a temper. I think this is why at first she was skeptical about being with me because of him. Even though the people she knew who knew me where telling her I was a good guy and not someone who just looks for a hookup. I know one of her friends early told me that she is happy my ex found me because I guess her ex wasn’t the best towards her at the end. But I rally don’t know anything about him other than he called once early and I told her I don’t want to know if they talk but would prefer if they didn’t. She said she told him about me and that she was very happy. I don’t know,if they ever stayed in contact at all or not. I tend to think no. I wasn’t a big ladies man really and really still am not. So even though I know she doesn’t think the word rebound or probably even know what that is, technically I could have been a rebound by people’s definition….it wound up lasting over 8 years.
@mike2014, thats true! one of my friends older sisters actually ending up marrying a “rebound”. she got out of a 6 year relationship at 26, met someone two months later and was engaged another 6 months after that. just goes to show none of us can predict at all what will happen in the future. have you ended up texting your ex and making a plan to meet up yet?
I think Aphrodite said I come off as judgemental and honestly that is very very true. Iv been like that for ever. Even when I’m with my guy friends and they bring other people I don’t know around. I tend to not interact with them at all that night other than a hello,and goodbye. I don’t warm up to,people fast and am very standoffish. After meeting them a few times I warm up and then they see I’m a funny person who is nice. I Also am terrible in group setting like going out, I tend to just be quit and reserved. It takes me a while to talk and be social. I’m so much better after I meet a few times and then be in a one on one situation then I feel I can be myself and be charming.
I remeber the first time my ex came to a party to meet me with her friends. the first time other than in that class. I think we talked for 10 minutes before I left the party. It was pretty awkward. Then the next time we met up her firends knew my friends so we went back to his house and just sat around with music playing drinking. I remember trying to talk to her and I even asked her to dance since she was a dancer and all the other girls seemed to like to,dance. She said to me I don’t dance like that. I said your a dancer and she said I’m a ballerina and such and don’t dance like that. I respected that. She was exactly like me, standoffish and reserved. I tried to talk to her and ask her questions but she was very very shy and I actually liked that about her because that’s exactly how I am. It took her awhile that night to open up. She was out of her element that night and it made her nervous. We were very similar people. I had to earn her trust and that night I walked her back to her friends car when they were leaving and gave her a hug and she always told me I knew you were a good person because you did that.
I’m not sure anyone else is really like this.
No it’s the weekend and I don’t want to bother her. When we talk I want her full attention and I know she wouldn’t reach back out over the weekend either. She said she wants to catch up so I know we will talk soon. Either she will reach out when she has free time or i will before next weekend.
I Was talking to this girl last night and obviously my friend had to make a comment after the girl asked me if I’m in a relationship or dating. He said no he’s still stuck on this one girl who broke up with him lol. He has no filter lol. I said well I’m not going to talk to her about you. She said to me well the best thing you can do is ignore her, it’s drives girls insane when they don’t hear from you. It does seem like after a few weeks if I don’t talk to my ex she has to find a reason for reaching out…holidays, this new job she saw I posted on Facebook or over the summer TV shows or the other job. Maybe it does make her a bit crazy when we don’t talk??
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