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Unimare,
My ex and I were in the process of buying a house together only 5 months ago. No, he’s def not seeing anyone. That’s not his style and in any case unless he’s striked up a relationship with a camel it’s highly unlikely. He works on oil rigs in the desert of Africa. Because the cost of calls is very high then we stick to emails, unless urgent.Aphrodite,
You read my mind so well, yes he’s a complete arse and yes he’s on the pedestal. I do desperately want the guy out from underneath my skin!I know so well I need to let him go,I had this bloody set back and it’s like what the hell!
Tomorrow is another day eh.
On a good note D is texting me lots! Proof ex’s come back! Not necessarily the right ex but A ex will come back! Haha
@mike2014, we used to have the call every night at 11 too! i still get sad a lot of nights when he doesnt call to discuss our days. old routines are hard to shake. have you set up a time to talk to your ex?
@aphrodite, i actually did ask my ex when a good time to send him an email would be. i didn’t want to do it while he was working or out with friends and i actually had texted him and told him i wrote something long and asked if he preferred i text it, email it, or call him to say it. he asked that i email it when he got home from work so he had time to read it and then when he got home he texted me and i sent it. i don’t think its being a doormat to ask. you don’t want to send it at a time that will make it worse for him to read if he’s stressed or something!
i think the reason my therapist set that timeline for me is because i am a VERY scheduled person. i plan out my day each morning with a to do list and i plan things weeks in advance so one of the biggest obstacles throughout all this is the open endedness and timing of it all. my therapist does a lot of marriage and relationship counseling and she seems to think what my ex is going through is very normal and actually was kind of surprised i never had an inkling of curiosity to want to date around more. but she told me she hardly ever sees reconciliations that happen more than a year afterwards and generally when someone ends a relationship to explore other options, they usually can get a taste of what being single/dating is like in 8-9 months and then reach a decision on if they’re ok to let their partner go for good or if they actually meet someone or have their eyes opened to better things being out there. of course this isn’t a “rule” or anything, but i usually have an easier time processing things when there is a timeline so its something she told me to think about for now. she also told me last week if i cut the contact now and when may comes if he still doesnt want to commit i will already be so much more used to not talking to him and not having him in my life so letting go will come easier. I’m kind of doing exactly what you said – waiting until we discuss this in may. i just hope this wont then turn into lets discuss in september, etc…also I’ve really been questioning now if i can get over the fact he is seeing someone. it is really messing with my head. he’s been my boyfriend for 8 years and to just be doing those things with another girl, idk if i could get over it. but then i can’t imagine never being with him again. ugh its all so complicated and so confusing!!! but until may i will challenge myself to have the most fun possible and i will take each day as it comes. the guy from last night has asked me out for tomorrow and i liked him so well see where this takes me! how great would that be if i fell in love with someone else and my ex came back and i was taken?
@belle, did you keep in touch with D all these years? its like my mom always says – they all always come back!! i think the same will be with your current ex too once he’s had some time and space to cool off. my ex is on the pedestal also and he was a good boyfriend but he DEFINITELY had his flaws and I’m making him out to be the most perfect guy in the universe. why do we do this?! don’t bet yourself up about the setback – it happens. enjoy D and have some rebound fun. tomorrow you can start over fresh. one of my friends told me she texted her ex for 8 months before she finally snapped out of it and stopped, but i agree that sometimes we just need to make mistakes over and over until we actually don’t want to anymore!Atea,
She said she had a long day yesturday so we didn’t get to talk last night. After I overreacted on here last night, she texted back and was her confusing nice self. She said she wants to catch up. I’ll probably text her on Monday or early next week unless she reaches back out. I have a busy weekend.
Yea it’s weird because I was trying to figure out when to reach out cause I know how she is and when she is comfortbale talking so I knew I would wait till sometime around 11… It’s weird how that time kind of still feels natural. Where she works they have shows and concerts and such, it was in the paper today they had a show last night so she probably worked like a 12 hour day. I’m surprised she even texted me back at all last night and had the nerve to say sorry for not being able to talk lol.
I hope you have a nice weekend! Maybe waiting to may and doing complete NC will be a good thing for you and him. He might start to really be concerned that you have moved on and contemplate what he really wants moving forward. He definitely feels like with you contacting him that you are probably waiting for him and not concerned totally with losing you. It’s going to be hard, but I know you are strong enough to make the right decision for you.
Unimare,
As for Mike, my only advice is still to reach out, be genuine and show emotion and that you care and have put thought into how you two can build a future together, and I can’t see why it wouldn’t work! It’s what we all want to hear! 😀
I am planning on doing that most definitely. I wrote something down the other night and I really liked what I hit on in it. I’m very analytical and always go into something with a plan. I have also visioned how it will go on my end. I hope it’s what she wants to hear, but one thing over 8 years I learned about her is that she really isn’t like most girls. I just hope she has enough left in her to want to try to build a new relationship with me. I will make it well known through my words that the old me is dead and that the old relationship is dead. It’s time to start a new.
Aphrodite,
I’m not sure what to make out of one of your comments. You said you were being a doormat by trying to share your problems with him and it bothered him. I’m not sure your exact words but I think that was the jist of it.
As a man I will say this. I didn’t always like sharing my feelings and my insecurities, even tho she would admit I did get better at it. One thing I would always do though is be very sympathetic to her life concerns. Whether it was something with her family, job, friends, or whatever else in her personal life thwt was bothering her. I would try to always be there to listen to her and if possible comfort or give advice. I would always say to her…what do you think is the best thing to do here. I did listen to her and try to be understanding. I did always care about how she felt in that sense.
I would say I failed at the end with discussing our relationship concerns tho. I felt like I was letting her down in this capacity, so I wanted to push it aside and hide it because I felt embarassed which honestly was stupid because their are so many people way worse off than we were. At the end that got difficult for me to handle with my own inner concerns.
@mike2014, thanks for the encouragement. NC is seriously the only option right now moving forward for me. the way i see it is i have two choices: either i can sit around and wait for him and see if he comes back and be miserable or i can try my best to move forward without him and if he does come back, evaluate it then. now that i know he’s seeing someone i don’t even want to talk to him. he knows how to reach me if he wants to but for now he needs to really experience living his life without me and i need to do nc for myself – to move on. i have no control over if he comes back or not so i need to focus on me and every time i text him i think I’m reassuring him I’m still here waiting so he’s very happy. that needs to end now. i know i can do it and ill absolutely stick to it this time – the ball is in his court. keep us updated with your ex!! I’m looking forward to hearing about your conversation
Okay, new plan, I will send my e-mail on valentines day – in my country it’s also known as friendship day and my letter talks about friendship, so it seems appropriate. Also, it’s just one week away, I can wait that long. Any longer and it would just be holding me back from letting go completely. Plus, half of the things I’ve written there are from a time when I felt much more emotional and almost don’t apply to the present-me anymore, so I added another part to it which explains that I wrote it a while back and that I don’t actually have a need to send this letter anymore, but I thought he deserved to know. And also there’s a practical matter which I need him to sort out soon-ish. And I’ve said I don’t want a reply and like I said I hope I don’t get one. It would just confirm exactly how I feel about him at the moment. Anything nice he might say would just make it harder, and anything nasty would still hurt. So no reply is the best case scenario. I feel optimistic! One more week and that’ll be my final goodbye 🙂
@unimare, good for you!! I’m so envious about you feeling this way about your ex. the past week i miss my ex soo much and am starting to feel desperate again. i haven’t broken nc since we spoke monday night but i feel awful. not sure how ill get through this. i really admire how strong you’ve been!!
@atea1234 , this too shall pass. You had a set back, so it feels like starting over from scratch, but you’ve already been at a better place and you know you can get there again. It just takes a little time. And this might not be the last set back, but it gets just a little bit easier to recuperate every time. Just focus on making yourself happy. We should all reach a point where our happiness isn’t dependent on anyone other than ourselves. Just keep NC and try not to think about what he’s up to. The less you know, the better. I also had a little emotional setback when I found out my ex was out partying last night and then I saw him become friends with a pretty young thing on Facebook, eugh, you just feel that twist of nausea in your stomach. It’s better not to know!! I’d delete him completely, but I don’t want him to be able to hold that against me. I’ve deleted him off my news feed, though, but I still check his profile every now and then… it gets better, but there are still moments of weakness. Stay strong!
@unimare, thanks. i agree its better not to know. i can’t be fishing for details. he told me i would hear it from him if he had a new “girlfriend”, was developing real feelings, bringing her home to his family, etc. so i need to not read into what hes doing right now in the meantime. yes this was definitely a setback but i can feel myself starting to settle a little. I’m just feeling sad and impatient. i know everyones break up sucks and i don’t meant to say mine is worse than others, but i truly think being in this “maybe in the future…” mindset is awful. of course i want to be with him in the future so moving on feels nearly impossible but i somehow need to force myself because sitting around and waiting for him accomplishes absolutely NOTHING. i need to put the focus back on me and my life and how to make myself happy in the present. nc sucks but after months and months of trying everything its truly the only option now. when we spoke monday i told him to let me know if he feels differently and so he will reach out if he has a change of heart. me texting him does nothing but brings me back steps and hinders my own healing. nc is now for me and not to get him back which i think is helping me stick to it more.
Atea, you asked a question about had I kept in touch with D all along. Well he’s and no.
Found the whole break up very traumatic but not sure why as we had only been together for 2 years.
Anyway, we were both as guilty as each other to be honest as randomly we would make contacted. May go for months and months without touching base but then suddenly one or the other would make contact. In the first year he would make calls to me, just chit chat. I would on the other hand email him, sometimes he would respond other times he wouldn’t. After 2 years after our split he met some amazingly good looking girl with a job in fashion (bitch) then he disappeared but at the time I didn’t know so I would every now and then drop a email, then one evening he rang me…again just chit chat…then 2 years ago we met up after he split with his gf, since then he’s been circling like a shark! Lol kind of waiting for the right time to make his move and I guess that’s what he’s doing now.
He’s an ideal re bound for me as we know each other but I know there is no longivity as he doesn’t stimulate me mentally enough and I find him a tad boring and he doesn’t laugh enough for my liking.
I’m worried I might get into a relationship with him for the sake of being in one and waste more time being with the wrong guy but right now, he’s definite comfort material. We text each other flirtatious messages most nights and that makes me feel not so rejected etc.After much thought about my ex, well he’s got issues. He hates me, he wants nothing to do with me or know anything about me and after all these years, him going through my sons childhood with him I feel my ex really is in an anger mode. I would be more concerned if he was being amicable, seeing my son and being pleasant to me but maintaining we are over. That’s being indifferent. But as is stands it’s like I’m scum of the earth and he wants to know nothing, and is very angry.
I just need to keep bloody quiet and let him know I’ve disappeared. With D’s help hopefully I can’t do it but I’m useless!@belle, your ex is FAR from indifferent. thats why i think there are still real feelings there and the potential to work things out. i agree you need to be very quiet and let him know you’ve disappeared! he clearly will have you on his mind a lot. it does sound like he has a lot of issues and hopefully he can use this time to sort himself out. I’m all for you having a fun fling with D – why not?! just make sure your recent ex never finds out about it. its so interesting to me how he circulated so many years later. i guess it takes a really long time for some!
i need to mentally prepare myself for a LONG road ahead. moving on and letting go of hope completely will be extremely difficult for me but i know even if my ex comes back, he will completely devote himself to trying things out with this new relationship and maybe even others before he makes a decision. i blocked his number this morning just because it felt a bit therapeutic. nc is the only option right now and i have no intention of breaking it. i agree with what you said yesterday of 2015 being a LONG year. if only we could all know a year from now what our lives would look like!! i am struggling with fearing the unknown a lot – definitely an issue I’m going to confront since i tend to over analyze, control, and plan situations months and years in advance. I’m reading self help books of living in the present moment. whether any of our exes come back in the future is irrelevant to our present and thats something i keep reminding myself. my ex does not want to be with be NOW, he wants this new girl. it doesnt matter at all what he or i will want in the future because it can’t be predictedHe’s an ideal re bound for me as we know each other but I know there is no longivity as he doesn’t stimulate me mentally enough and I find him a tad boring and he doesn’t laugh enough for my liking.
I’m worried I might get into a relationship with him for the sake of being in one and waste more time being with the wrong guy but right now, he’s definite comfort material. We text each other flirtatious messages most nights and that makes me feel not so rejected etc.Does D know this??
For someone who can say to me that I mistreat woman and such how is this any different? I am at least honest with the girls I have been with.they know what my intentions are. The one girl who I consider a friend and we talk regularly we both admitted to,each other we aren’t looking to date each other. As a man I feel bad for this D guy. He obviously really likes you and has tried to remain in contact for the hope of another chance with you. He feels now he has a chance and this will lead to further damage to him moving forward.
Just an observation 🙂
Mike,
Sorry I had to laugh at your post, not in a bad way but because writing on here only gives a glimmer of the WHOLE story. We would be writing books if we went into every detail.
D has come and gone so many times in my life! We both have…
He’s never been hanging about in hope for another chance with me! He’s not like that. Yes I care for him but unless I saw change in him I wouldn’t go any further that I felt comfortable. We both know it can end any time, we hook up once a fortnight maybe, he’s got his life I have mine.
What type of guy he is… He pulled out of the engagment with his ex weeks before the wedding, invites sent out, dress, venue…all done. His excuse was all of a sudden he didn’t want children and she did. She’s now 38 and I don’t have to tell you how she still feels after two years ago he just pulled the plug on everything.
He’s never consciencely hung about hoping for another chance with me, no way.
When we were together he did some really horrible things to me that I can’t forget.
So really, is this guy relationship material… What I know about him, no way.
We both know it’s a day by day thing between us. It will last as long as it will last. If it’s lasts 5 days or 5 years. We both in agreement with that. He knows I’ve huge issues and he knows I’m not out for anything serious. I never ask him when are we hooking up, I never ask why perhaps he hasn’t text me for a few days. It’s exclusively casual for 2 damaged people.
Either one or the other could at any time say no more. We are both in the same mind set of it will last how ever long it will last.Mike, I wouldn’t feel sorry for this guy. He has my respect but If I turned round tomorrow and said no more, he would still sleep at night mark my word.
🙂
@belle, im all for your rebound! he actually sounds like perfect rebound material. I’m meeting up with my date from thursday again tonight. i need a rebound for myself as well. enough of sulking and feeling inadequate. if my ex is trying out others, I’m doing the same.
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