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@aphrodite, my ex and I had very similar disagreements! In retrospect, I think he was a little too easygoing and not always the most considerate of my feelings but I absolutely can tend to be a drama queen at times – a big one! If I were you I would just ask your ex if he has anything he wants to say in response to what you’ve sent him. I don’t think that’s asking too much. If he says no, just leave it be.
We do need to be break up warrior queens and continue moving forward. As much as it stings im really starting to see how moving on and separating myself is probably the only way it would ever possibly work out with my ex and me. If I sit here miserable for another year and then he returns after dating and sleeping with numerous girls, I will feel stupid! I need to be doing what he’s doing which is trying to move on! if at the end of the day he comes back and im still wanting him then great but I can’t count on it. We do need to be warrior queens and somehow get through this! I feel like I’m in so much pain lately but Im really hoping with keeping the Nc and spending time with this new guy maybe tides will turn. I still have in the back of my head that he said he would call me on my birthday though and that’s a silly think to be dwelling on. He’ll probably call me even if he’s still with this new girlfriend! I can’t expect him to be calling and saying he’s missed me so much. I just need to keep trying to move forward. It’s just impossible to think of other things while he’s on my mind!!! But dating in the meantime and trying to move on won’t impact whether or not he comes back so my only two options are to wait around alone and be miserable for the off chance he decides to come back within the next few months or I can try to move forward and if he comes back be pleasantly surprised and evaluate then. I need to push myself here! Im just still in denial that he wanted all of this. What does he have with this new girl that he didn’t have with me?! We had really such a great relationship and he tossed it all away. Could I really ever see spending my life with someone who was willing to let me go to “explore”? Im not sure. My head is spinning!So i just chatted with this guy who broke up with his girlfriend, and the reasons are the same as my ex.. he was doing the same things, trying to act mean so that she would be the one to break up with him. Also reasoning that he was hesitant to break up because the sex was good but couldn’t see himself marrying her. It was like talking to my ex and getting the truth I knew all along. This really hurt to hear – because it exactly reflects my thoughts about my ex. That he was just enjoying the sex at the end of the relationship but not emotionally attracted or attached to me in a strong way anymore at all. Ugh I feel so used and like dirt, like an object!!! I wish I knew how to awaken his emotional side. I wish I knew specifically what I did wrong.
@atea1234 I think even just asking “do you have anything to say in response to my email?” will be taken as me pushing him, and will stress him out. He’ll read it in an angry tone. He has an exceptional low tolerance for feeling prodded and pushed. He would then feel obliged to answer as well – so perhaps I should leave it like this… it’s clear he doesn’t have anything to say to me as he hasn’t. With my next email though, I will demand a response, because I need questions answered.Yes, you need to be doing what he’s doing! I agree. Like I said I’ll catch up with you on that one. I think it’s important to be okay on our own though too! We will somehow get through this, all of us! Don’t dwell on him calling you on your birthday. I know this sucks, but he’s got a girlfriend now… in all likelihood he still will do by the time of your birthday. That’s how you have to think. Actually, scratch that, you shouldn’t think of him at all. You have to say goodbye to him forever, or at least for a long time, in your heart and in your soul – when you’re ready to.
A year from now, we can either have achieved and experienced lots of new stuff, or we can still be miserable not having done much. That is OUR choice.
As for your last question, I don’t think you should be worrying about it now. If at a later point it becomes relevant, think about it.. but for now, just do you. We’re going to manage this! We have to! I want to lay down and die a lot of the time, but imagine how happy with ourselves and confident we will be if we can slay this dragon of a circumstance!@aphrodite, every relationship is different! Don’t think your break up is the same as this guys breakup! Everyone has their unique reasons and it’s unconfirmed your ex felt that way so don’t make yourself feel badly! And I agree that you deserve answers from your ex. When you send him the email asking questions just make sure you tell him you really want a response. If he has any respect for you, he will do it.
As for me, I know I need to at some point say goodbye to my ex in my heart but I just don’t feel ready yet. Hopefully I’ll get there. He did say let’s touch base around May and I have zero idea if he’ll be with this girl still or with someone else or with no one! He told me he wants to date multiple girls with this time so unless he really falls for this girl (which could happen) then I have no idea where his head will be at. For right now it’s making Nc easier knowing there is an end goal and that he will be the one to break it. I also asked that he tell me if this girl actually becomes his girlfriend and they get serious because he’s only known her for 3 weeks and told me it’s casual and new and she’s not his girlfriend right now. I think he will tell me if it develops more so I don’t hear it from someone else. If I don’t hear from him before to tell me then im going to assume it’s not serious with that girl. Anyway I need to bring the focus back to me. Im going to continue seeing this guy time being and work on distracting myself and not dwelling on him. It’s just easing this process a little bit to know that in about 2.5 months he will break Nc so that’s what I need to make it through. I know eventually I need to get out of this mindset but I’m taking baby steps to get there!
Also this is a bit random but something I brought up to my ex on Monday night that he agreed with. When I first went to my therapist about the breakup, she gave me a very clear timeline she thought I should follow with my healing. Also keep in mind that my ex and I had not spoken once since the initial breakup convo when my therapist told me this. She told me I should view what my ex is going through as “grass is greener syndrome” where he is wondering how it would be to be single or to be with someone else. She told me to think of this in terms of a pregnancy. The first trimester (1-3 months) would be him getting a taste of freedom and being single and not looking to pursue anything. The second trimester (months 4-6) is when he will really start dating – either one girl seriously to get to know her or going out with many different girls to get to know different personalities. She then said the last trimester (months 7-9) would be him really thinking about his future and what he wants. If he meets someone along the way or is really enjoying dating others and still after 8 or 9 months doesn’t want to reconcile then I need to drop it completely. But she said if at that 6-9 month mark he feels like he really tried others and now is starting to fear losing me and starting to appreciate im the one for him, then he will initiate to get back into my good graces. It’s funny I told My ex this the other night and he actually completely agreed on that. So in my head im kind of sticking to it. Im only on month 4 now so if come May/June no progress is being made then I will really say goodbye in my heart but fr now I’m just focusing on being happy one day at a time, keeping Nc, and trying to be open minded and date others. If the contact doesn’t go how I want it to in the spring then I think I will know that I did everything I could and it wasn’t meant to be and hopefully these 3 months Nc and dating others will really prepare me to move on. Who knows! I could even be dating this new guy by then!
Sorry for the rant!! So many thoughts. I really do fear the unknown – you are absolutely so right about that and it’s somehing im working on!By the way im really angry at my ex for repeatedly telling me he loves me the other night. That was so unfair of him – to me and to the new girl! Im adding that to my list of reasons im angry!!!
Hey atea is getting angry!! Yay!
I need to do some catching up on posts but I just want to ask your opinion.
I foolishly emailed the ex, as feeling low, desperate, sad….ra ra ra.. Same old I know.He was nasty and told me that we are over, he’s moving on and that he’s not angry anymore as he knows he will move on.
So, he’s this opened up the floodgates…. I question him on his actions and so on the same discussion starts yet again with him winning and me feeling rejected…again.
In his last email he said thisOne day maybe you’ll realise the only reason I am no longer around is due to the way you are! Just stop calling I said email and that’s all I will do until I see some normality!
Ok so we can read into that what we like, but it gives me that glimmer of hope that’s so wrong.
Is he pacifying me to get off his back? Is he still angry? Is there a minuscule chance?
His precious emails where quiet clear that it’s over and he wants me to respect him for moving on and suggest I do the same.Oh my god, I’m now full of cold and feeling rubbish because of his rejection… Again. Why do I do it to myself!
Yea that is very unfair and selfish. He will tell you he loves you but keep you in limbo while he is out dating and such. Very unfair to you
@belle, im not the right person to ask because I somehow find a glimmer of hope in everyone’s situation. Im such a hopeless romantic and I just think we all should have our exes back because of how much we care about them. Look what were suffering through! I still think he needs time. The fact that he still answers is promising and he did say he would talk again maybe in time. You need to give
Him time!!! Try to go the 30 days. I feel like each email is making him more and more nasty. Do whatever you can to refrain. But no, I don’t think all hope is lost. I think having hope is ok as long as we take it for what it is – no guarantee and as long as we try to be happy meanwhile. Hope you’re feeling better!Mike,
He works abroad and so the cost of the calls are prohibitive.Atea,
I know that’s the problem, we will see a glimmer of hope even out of the most desperate situations.
I’m upset with my lack of control today. I was so strong and I think being ill I’ve felt awful and just wanted him. I need to lock him back up in the box and leave down the bottom of the garden!
This seems such a long haul of grief to go through and it’s not going to end any time soon! What’s another couple of months going do to our grief? We are not just suddenly wake up one morning and be ok. I think 2015 is going to be a long long sad year! š
@Aphrodite
I think you posed a very interesting question. On the one hand, I think the situation you described is definitely quite typical of a man vs woman miscommuniation. We girls do tend to be a bit dramatic and overwhelm the guys with lots of talk about emotion and them not being able to respond to that properly is frustrating and winds us up even more etc. It definitely has also happened to me. But when you ask if this is what people in successful relationships do – my guess would be no. Because it’s a matter of not being able to communicate in a way that both parties understand the other and can also respond in a respectful and helpful way. So I think successful relationships have managed to bridge that gap somehow.
In our relationship, for example, what would happen was sometimes if I was being overly emotional, he would either try to talk me down, like “calm down, you’re interpreting things, that’s not what I meant, this is what I meant” etc so then we could discuss it in a more rational level. Or if we both would get heated and upset, then we’d stay silent and cool off for awhile and then one of us (we’d take turns) would approach the other in a more calm way.
So I think the key is to take a break from the emotions and meet somewhere in the rational middlegrounds to discuss things when both are interested in solving the issue and can communicate in a mature way (like using the sentence structure of “when you do X then that makes me feel Y. it would be helpful if you did Z” or something to that effect, or in other words, not to blame but to explain why you feel upset and what the other person could do to not let that happen in the future). It’s equally important that both people are actually motivating in fixing the issue, like in our relationship even if I did get upset and he wasn’t being very helpful in communicating his emotions, I still never got the feeling that he didn’t care or didn’t want to fix things. So when you have one person getting increasingly upset and begging for any kind of response from the other party and they continue to be rude and hurtful, then no I don’t think that’s grounds for a healthy relationship. Both partners need to be invested in healthy communication and if it doesn’t come naturally do them, they should be motivated in learning how to communicate in a more healthy manner.All in all, gosh I just don’t think your ex is being a very nice guy. I don’t think me saying that will in any way be helpful towards you moving on at the moment, but hopefully knowing that it wasn’t anything you did and there clearly was a lack of motivation on his part and you deserve more, should comfort you a bit once you’ve already reached some sort of closure.
@Belle
You were doing so well! I don’t think you should be contacting your ex. He’s responding, which is I guess nice of him, but nothing he is saying to you is in any way comforting, so you should maybe quit while you’re ahead. Is there anything else you feel like you need to ask/confirm off him? Otherwise it just seems unhealthy to keep in touch. And to me, it seems more like him responding means that he’s moving on from the anger and has made his peace with the situation. I have no idea what the deal is with the calling and the e-mails. Could it be that he’s seeing someone else and doesn’t want her to see that you’re calling him? I don’t mean to be harsh of course, but stay angry! And let him go! He’s not worth it.@atea
You’re on the right track! Keep it up! I don’t think him saying he still loves you is that unfair actually. If it’s true, wouldn’t you rather know? If he didn’t say that, you’d be stressing thinking he doesn’t love you anymore and what did you do wrong etc etc. No. You didn’t do anything, you were great, he still loves you, this is something he has to do and it’s so important to him that he’s prepared to lose you over it. So if it doesn’t work out in the end, you can find comfort in the fact that while it lasted, it was real and genuine and NOT a waste of time, but that it just wasn’t meant to be. Due to timing or his inner insecurities or whatnot. But you deserve to give yourself the chance also to find happiness with someone else, should THAT be your destiny instead. So keep dating, stay happy and que sera, sera.*I wanted to add to my @atea1234 comment that I very much doubt he’s said “I love you” to the new girl. That would be untrue and inappropriately too soon. Him telling you that, I still feel, is appropriate. It makes it harder for you in a way, of course, but it’s still nice to know that.
PS just an afterthought, I’m finding it much easier to give advice to the girls than to Mike for example, because I can relate to the feminine side of things more. Which actually means that my advice is probably not helpful at all, because I’m just telling them what they already know. As for Mike, my only advice is still to reach out, be genuine and show emotion and that you care and have put thought into how you two can build a future together, and I can’t see why it wouldn’t work! It’s what we all want to hear! š
@belle, don’t be so hard on yourself. We all have slip ups it’s only natural. I’ve had a ton already and I can imagine there will be many more along the way. I really do believe your best shot of getting him back though is to give him space. Im afraid the more emails you send and the more conflict it creates, the more resentful he will be. Post in here when you are feeling hopeless! One day at a time. I know youve been feeling strong recently and today was a setback – it happens. Just try to not contact him when you’re feeling low. You can always write in here what you’re tempted to say. I would try to make it through 30 days. I always break it after 2-3 weeks and regret it. We both need to be strong now.
@unimare, I actually asked him if he was in love and he laughed at me and said “that’s ridiculous. No im not in love.” What you said about timing and his inner insecurities is exactly what he said to me on Monday. That if its meant to be the timing will be right and he’ll come back before I’ve moved on but he has these internal doubts he needs to deal with right now and he hasn’t had enough time. I do appreciate him being honest with me and I don’t think he’s tried to be confusing. He doesn’t ask me to wait and he doesn’t contsct me but it still is just difficult to hear him he say he loves me but can’t be with me right now and needs to do this. I do hope this is just a phase for him and it won’t be many more months. These last 4 have felt like the longest of my life. I appreciate his honesty but it does make it hard for me to move on šBelle,
I can relate. Iv gone through the gambit of emotion as well. Had weeks where I been content with not want to reach out and feeling strong. Then something brings me back and I have my down moments where I reach out. I even said to someone last night this would be much easier for me if she wasn’t so damn nice always. Even last night apologizing for being tired after having a long day and not being able to talk or not responding quick. Then thanking me for being understanding and saying sorry again. It’s always going to be a situation where we are goin to have moments of weakness, our loves revolved around and with these people for so long. Just the basic call at the end of the night to talk to them is something i still think about. It came at 11pm everynight and I still find myself lookin at my phone and saying it’s getting close to 11 and then being like what the hell are you talkin about lol.
I think overall you have been doing great lately. Hope you have a great weekend!
I know all relationships are different, but this just matched up entirely to what Iāve been suspecting about my ex. Somehow though I know my ex is possible to shift, I just know it. Not yet, but when Iāve recovered myself a lot. Perhaps then I wonāt want him any longer though. Iāve gotta work on myself lots!!!
Yep, Iāve mentioned many times in the email that I really hope he will respond, so I hope he does. I might send it to him tomorrow, or ask him if thereās a time that would be good for him to receive itā¦ Or is that me being a doormat? I really canāt tell!
He reacted negatively to me being a doormat, and he reacts negatively to me being angry with him. I need to find some middle ground. Overall it seems he was always most attracted to me when I showed confidence, when other guys were interested in me, and when I seemed disinterested in him.Okay well it seems like you really need this point in May in order to cope, atea. Iām getting that impression. So i think you should keep that in mind. Perhaps make it into some sort of game? You will do as much fun stuff as you can until may!
The timeline your therapist gave you is quite interestingā¦ This sounds like something that could really help you! I donāt think I could rely on something like that personally though. I need to do what I can first to detox from everything that happened, then try to get him back, then iāll give up and throw a cake in his face if all else fails.
Whoopsie daisy! Well sometimes we just have to do things enough times. I suggest you get it out of your system if there is any more (for example asking him specifically what it is about you that made him not be around anymore), but then finish it off.
Belle this man is an arse! Even my ex wouldnāt have said that to me! āI am no longer around due to the way you are!ā thatās just straight up cruel. Heās really looking to punish you. In my opinion, the next thing he says shows that he has not closed the door. However, I think you should close it for him. Easier said than done, but Belle you canāt have this type of energy draining toxicity in your life. We are just faaaar too afraid of loosing people!!! Weāre so terrified of the unknown and of not experiencing this or that again! We have to let that go.
To answer your questions specifically: Yes heās pacifying you to get off his back, but more so to punish you, heās even emphasising that heās no longer around and has entirely placed himself on the pedestal. Yes he is without a shadow of a doubt still angry! Not the most tolerant of men at all.
Yes there is a minuscule chance, but only if you let him gooooo, and go find a nice hunk instead!Yes another couple of months of grief may seem pointless, but remember the peaks and valleys, prepare yourself for the next peak during this time because it will surely come! And NO 2015 will not be a long and sad year, it is going to positively surprise us! Do some LOA:)
Sending lots of hugs!!! Watch some films and comfort yourself now. This IS going to get better! Self help material Belle! That always makes me feel stronger.
Thank you for this response, and for going into it!
My guess is no too – that people in successful relationships do handle those situations differently.
I definitely think men feel overwhelmed and attacked with this form of communication, they feel interrogated and donāt dare tell us what they feel and think.
I really think what you said about taking breaks away from the situation is handy. I did that today, and I felt a lot better for it! Itās not something I usually do as I am normally confrontational straight away without having thought through the best way of communicating. Regarding the āwhen you do X then that makes me feel Y. it would be helpful if you did Zā ā I tried that lots to absolutely no effect. Either he was completely fed up with me expressing how I felt about things, or I should have said it more like āSo X happened, AND I felt Y. I would have loved it if Z had happenedā – that way iām not even saying āyouā in there anywhere, I think this āyou didā¦ i feel because of you, you made me feelā¦ you youā made him feel very accused and blamed. He was to blame mostly, but it isnāt exactly a helpful way to make him communicate Iāve found out.I agree – it is important that both are equally motivated to sort an issue out, and the majority of the time I was the only motivated one.
It kind of did help you saying heās not being a very nice guy. I agree, but sometimes itās hard to see it, as I donāt know if itās something Iāve done or if itās him! That being said I know that I was responsible for how things ended up, because I acted like a complete doormat, and I involved him way too much in my issues despite knowing he wasnāt interested in hearing about themā¦ I did this almost to push him to care, but of course it only made him loose attraction and pull away. I didnāt have enough of my own life with him, because I was in his country I got too involved in his life in stead of working on creating my own (there were reasons for this as I was having an extremely difficult time, but still). He definitely should have been more supportive, but I also should have searched more for support elsewhere, and should have been smart and patient enough to know that the way to get him to care more would be to back off and not ambush him all the time. I should have respected his (unfortunately for long invisible) boundaries more when it came to expressing myself about everything going on in my life that was difficult. I swear this man sees me as the most nagging woman who just goes on and on about what heās done wrong and about the difficulties in her life. Iām only doing that one more time – in my first of the two emails, to get it out of my system for good, but then iāll be done. Iāll be done being a victim of my life.
Iāve learned a lot, and Iām thankful for that right now, itās the one thing Iām thankful for regarding everything that happened. Oh, actually, Iām thankful for that Iāll be going on a date with this hunkā¦ I met him once before while I was with my ex, three years ago, and I never stopped thinking about him now and then. I know he likes me (he called me his dream girl to a mutual friend), so the thought of that actually helped me through a lot of hard times with my exā¦ I still donāt know the guy though! We only spoke for one night at a party and that was it. I wish for hunks like that for all of you!!
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