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Don’t feel stupid @unimare
I did that too, exact same thing, when my ex had moved out of our house. I don’t think it helps much though so it would probably be best if you stop doing it. Try to reclaim your thoughts from him as much as possible. I know it’s hard.
I’m writing on my email, it’s going to be two emails actually. When I have sent them and gotten a reply I’m going to have to let go… 🙁
Belle is right about what she’s said, these men don’t want us. If they did, we would know. Interested men always let us know. Then we have to accept that there is nothing we can do to get them back. this is the hardest bit… “What if i look amazing, what if…” That’s where I’m at and where I’m struggling to move on. I’m still at the “what if’s”. Hopefully I will exhaust that once I’ve acted desperate enough. lolPerhaps you could do some sort of personal ceremony to let him go, unimare?
@Aphrodite
I have done a bit of a ceremony and it definitely helped. And I do feel like in many ways I am over him and I definitely don’t want him back. I just feel like this is something that will have to happen at some point – meeting him. But I have no desire to arrange a meeting and it looks like neither does he, so it will be an accidental meeting. Which can go one of many ways. I already made a deal with myself that if I run into him with another girl, I will treat myself to a pair of new earrings. Just to get something good out of a shitty situation. 😛 I’m just really curious how he would act – would he be happy to see me? (doubt it) or would it just be really awkward? would he ignore me? (perhaps in his mind, he’s actually angry at me for something) And also – how else will he know I’m upset with him and my reasons for having stopped all contact? He’s just living in blissful ignorance of the consequences of his actions and that’s unfair. I’m having second thoughts about sending him any kind of e-mail anymore although I have a brief and cold one prepared. I just feel like he won’t care anyway and it will just make me look weak – like I’m still thinking about him after all this time. But maybe it’s something I have to do, still, to feel piece of mind. I just have to really carefully evaluate what effect I want my e-mail to have. So far I’m thinking just reproachful and final. I want to express that he has handled things badly (not unlike he handled things with his girlfriend before me – he met up with her years later and was surprised and felt guilty at the hurt he’d caused her, he just hadn’t stuck around to find out, and he’s doing the exact same thing here) and that I’m done fighting for someone who won’t fight for me.What do you want to convey in your e-mails? I think you should try to show him you’re past the desperate phase and that what you have to say comes from an cold and resentful place rather than an emotional one, because every time you’ve expressed weakness, he’s responded with contempt (really nasty of him). Or what do you think?
Okay, I just re-read my e-mail and spruced it up a bit, and damnnn it’s good. 😀 Now I feel very motived NOT to run into him or have him contact me before I get a chance to send it ^^
Yesterday I sent him two emails from the past that I never dared to send him, where I’m telling him how painful everything is for me (before the break up) but that I want us to work. He sent me a text saying he had read them, was so sorry, and would reply later as he was at work. I said he didn’t have to reply (as sending them was mostly for my own sake) – so he didn’t reply! Not even to say “ok, i won’t then”. I regret saying he didn’t have to soooo much… I always do that sort of thing! Ugh.
The emails I haven’t sent yet: the first one is filled with questions and me venting at him (respectfully), saying i deserved better etc… the second one is filled with my insights and me apologising for the ways i contributed to our relationship going bad. I’m going to ask him to respond to the first one before I send the second one.
I’m feeling really emotional right now, like a bubble that wants to burst and send him the first email right away… though I promised myself I would take the time to tweak it until I’m absolutely sure everything is written down. I just can’t think of anything else though!! The fact that I didn’t get a further response from him yesterday is driving me a bit nuts. I don’t know why I’m still expecting things from this man! Ugh and he still has the power to upset me so much by showing contempt as you say!! And it rattles me so much!! While he’s just clueless about it. I can definitely tell that he isn’t bothered about me anymore (by his lack of response) – which is why I sort of don’t care that much. I just want to get this out of my system. He makes me so angry:( Everything feels so futile, like no matter what I do he just isn’t interested at all. It’s really killing my self-confidence and ego. Feeling in despair today!I’m wondering if i should give him another day to reply to the two emails i sent yesterday, if I should just press send on my first email, or be patient, wait and tweak it some more?
What are you putting in your email? Happy you’re good about not seeing him for now!
What I did last night was huge over reaction. My post was nonsense. With this new job iv been working like 10 hours a day and been a bit stressed. Think it led to the over reaction. Also been thinking about when we meet up and I’m very analytical so I role play on my head about the situation. Think that played into it as well.
It’s was a Thursday and my text couldn’t have been taken as a drunk text. It was general hey how are you. She responded back a bit after my post here. she said hi! I’m good. Said sorry, I wasn’t ignoring you, i just got home and am very very worn down and tired, had a long day. said can we please catch up at another time?
I said that fine. I understand.
She wrote back quick and said thanks for understanding, sorry again, I am looking forward to catching up.
@mike2014, I was genuinely excited to read that you’ve finally reached out to your ex and can hang out and lay it all on the table! Im such a hopeless romantic and it seems like you two really love each other and I always root for that to come out in the end! I hope it goes well for you and I think you will feel a lot better getting all of these thoughts off your chest.
@unimare, I do the same thing!! I walk by my exes office and apartment all the time hoping maybe to see him, im not sure why. So far I’ve had no luck running into him except for the first week we broke up which was totally random. I think you should send the email. Give him something to think about! I find saying what I want to say very therapeutic.
@aphrodite, not receiving a response is the absolute worst! My ex didn’t answer my first email initially and I texted him asking if he had anything to say and eventually I got a response out of him which honestly wasn’t very fulfilling but you deserve to hear something! As for sending the other emails, im pretty impatient so I don’t know if I would be able to wait but if I were you I would try because I think saying too much at once will overwhelm him. You want to seem in control over these emotions! But I believe it’s therapeutic to get it all out and after 10 years you should be able to say whatever you want to this man.So last night I had a date with let’s call him B. We had gone out once or twice in the fall but I really wasn’t ready for anything yet but hearing my ex is seeing someone gave me a kick to really put myself out there. Anyway I had a great time with him and he spent the night but I woke up this morning feeling absolutely empty inside and that my heart was going to explode because he wasn’t my ex. But I reminded myself my ex is currently doing the same thing and he is happy with his new girl and so I must try to move on. If he comes back, I’ll evaluate but in the meantime it doesn’t look like that’s happening and I can’t be turning down great guys in the off choice my ex comes around. But im still feeling very down today and thoughts of my ex with this other girl are haunting me. I hope this gets easier in time 🙁 I just want him to come to me and say he’s made a mistake. At least him seeing someone is forcing me to stick to Nc and if he reaches out at some point in the future then we will go from there
@mike2014 sounds like you’re on good footing with her! You should arrange that meetup soon 🙂
@Aphrodite
Yeah that’s a bit rude that he didn’t reply after he implied that he would.. maybe you should wait a little longer. With your other e-mails as well. It probably won’t do any good to overwhelm him with information. Are you sure you need to send all of them?My email is mostly just explaining why I went NC and why it turned into a permanent thing and just expressing some disappointment at how he handled things, but that I’ve moved on. I’m also saying that I don’t want a reply, I actually really don’t. I don’t want him to excuse himself, or throw accusations back at me, or confirm that he doesn’t care. They’re all bad options, so I’d rather have the last say.
@atea1234
I’m glad you had a nice time! It’s difficult at first of course, but I think it can be very helpful to get to know new people and get excited about someone else and have something to look forward to (and someone to dress up for). And if he’s in the loop about you still struggling a bit with your breakup, he might just be extra attentive and considerate with you. Anyway, I think it’s great that you’re dating, you and your ex should both get to a point where you really feel like this break up is for good, so that you can know exactly how you feel about each other in the long run. Also, some guys just might be worth you giving them a chance!Hi everyone,
Been laid up in bed witha heavy cold! Jeeze feel rough as old ropes!
Anyway I think because of feeling ill it’s made my emotions raise up and been doing too much thinking about the ex.
How can anyone hate me so much! He really really hates me. He’s so twisted and screwed up its unreal. We had the best relationship and he let his demons ruin everything.
He won’t be back, never in a million years.
I’m scared I will never truly get over him. Like with D, I hung on to him till he came back which I guess ruined my ex and I.Would it be reasonable that after 1 year really we should be moved on? It’s all too soon to expect to put to bed feelings I know buT im scared I will carry on with my feelings to my ex into my next relationship.
Aphrodite,
Sounds like you’re going through the mill right now 🙁@belle, I feel the same way. I feel I will never truly be over my ex and always wonder “what if” and feel like he’s the one that got away. Even though there are plenty of other wonderful guys who could probably make me happy, I can’t imagine having as deep of a connection or as happy of a relationship with anyone else. When my ex and I spoke Monday he kept saying “I’ll always love you” and that was so sad to me! To love someone so much and not be with them. Ugh I just want to be over all of this!
Hope you feel better belle! Being sick sucks. I had two colds this year so far, first time in like 3 years.
Atea,
Sounds like you had a good night! I feel the same the day after. Losing someone you cared about makes the new experience alittle rough. That’s my feeling the next day as well. It’s definitely a process.
Aphrodite,
It takes courage to send that email, congrats on being strong. Hopefully after some thought he still will respond. I would also wait a bit on the others. Give him sometime to respond to the first one.
Unimare,
This is the same tone of every response I always get back from her. I can’t really read into it unfortunately. Hope all is well with you
Through the mill, what a perfect idiom @Belle!! That’s exactly what this feels like. I grabbed my list of lessons from this break up, and it said “when he makes you feel crazy – stop. calm down. act disinterested” so that’s what I’ll attempt. I’m so happy I made that list.
This right now, is a crystal clear example of what would lead to an argument in our relationship, the arguments he tired of and made him loose attraction.
I would say “Why didn’t you email me back when you said you were going to?!” Him: “You said I didn’t have to!” Me: “I know but I was testing you, I still wanted you to email me, and you said you would! Don’t you think about my feelings? You could at least have told me I wasn’t going to get an email! I was there waiting!! This makes me feel so worthless to you like my feelings are your last priority..blah blah blah insecure talk blah blah”That insecure talk really is an attraction killer!
The good news — I managed to stop it before it went there, and it was really close! Phew! So in the past when confronted with these sorts of things (they happened a looot! and yes it is rude @unimare !) I would push and push to make him see how this was upsetting me, and to try to force out an apology from him. Which clearly didn’t work at all! Now I’m not sure how to handle my emotions, if not to tell him how this made me feel. What do the rest of you do in situations like these? Is there a way to handle it without coming across angry, pathetic or insecure? Do people in successful relationships just ignore things like this? But if you ignore it it will just build up inside you, and you’ll explode with everything at a later point? Feeling more in control – I just keep telling myself I won’t react the way I did before, though I don’t know what to do instead. When he doesn’t respond like this, I feel like every couple hours of no response just makes it worse and worse. What did you use to do in situations like this?
Hope you ladies can answer me here!
@atea1234 Yeah it could be a good idea to spread it out, because I wrote around 8000 words in total which is a lot of information! @unimare I agree with you, and yes he needs to read it all, because I need it aaaall off my chest! Also I share your feelings about wanting the last say. I don’t know if I will like what he replies but I do want to hear him out, and I need answers to a lot of questions.
@atea1234 I’m happy the date went well! It’s completely understandable how you felt bad this morning. You’re just going to have to go through it a few times until it no longer feels strange to you, that’s what I think anyway. I’m proud of you for going! All we can do is move forwards. I’m going to have to go on dates as well, but I’m waiting until I’ve sent these emails. Then I’m going for coffee with the hunk. We can do this atea! It’s going to be difficult but the rewards will be great once we have managed to cut our emotional bonds from them! I just want my ex to come and say he’s made a mistake too.. But atea, we have to be break up warrior queens here! A lot of what we are afraid of is change.. so let’s try to embrace the unknown and not fear it.
@Belle bless you, being ill always makes everything worse!! Keep that in mind! Don’t be scared you won’t get over him. I absolutely think you will! You have gone through this pain before and you will never let yourself endure that again. Like I said to atea, I really think we have to embrace the unknown. Accept, let go, and embrace whatever. Let it be. You have done everything and more, so once you feel better you will also feel stronger again. I think one year of NC is a reasonable time to get over someone yes. If we stay in contact, it will only extend things though. I’m scared I will carry on all the feelings to my next relationship as well – but what’s the other option Belle? Stay alone? No… we mustn’t fear for the future, my dear break up warrior queen!Aphrodite,
How you described that scenario is exactly what I would do. I pretty much would have said what you said he would and she would have exactly said the same back to me. Must just be how guys think.
She would try to call that an argument to, my response would be it’s a discussion and not an argument lol.
@mike2014 that’s very interesting! Thanks for commenting!
Well I would be the one calling it discussions and solving problems whilst he would be the one to call it arguments.. He didn’t witness huge arguments growing up like I did, so I think he was more emotionally rattled by things like this than I was. I probably wasn’t considerate enough of that and I was definitely not being calm enough, i would just fire away at him instead of calmly communicating. And I definitely made myself sound insecure and needy on so many occasions.I always thought people loosely use the term argument. In my eyes an argument is two people yelling at each passionately. In my eyes if I’m having an argument it’s over something pretty significant.
I would use terms like discussion or disagreement. They were small scale things over simple concerns. Sometimes in my eyes they weren’t even worth waisting time on.
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