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Went out last night with the old ex D, had a meal and a glass of wine and a snog before leaving.
Not sure if it was food or wine but woke at 2am feeling sick! Been awake since. Got dentist this morning then I’m heading back to my pit!@mike2014, it sounds like the job thing had a lot to do with her decision. she wants kids, a house, etc. and maybe she was worried about you career wise. she would not be so invested if it weren’t really important to her! sit her down, tell her about the new job, tell her how you’ve improved and then ask for her back. it sounds like all the issues you two had are easily resolvable.
@belle, good for you! how was that? sorry to hear you aren’t feeling well. hope youre still as strong today!Morning atea,
I’m feeling better after some sleep thank you. Yes I’m feeling strong, it’s seriously his loss and he will come to regret how he handled everything. Totally unnecessary to inflict emotional pain on someone unnecessarily. Had a nice evening with D last night. It really helps with the moving on having someone else interested in me lol.
How are you atea today?
@mike2014
Yes I know, I’ve got to get myself out there.. but I can’t help feeling like I need this time, as if there is something I am supposed to learn from this time. It’s weird.
I really do think you should go for that leap of faith – don’t let fear hold you back this time.
@Belle yay! See, exes do come back, and so will this ex. Just a shame he treated you this way! His loss. Hope you feel better soon!
@atea1234
Thanks:) I really do feel like i’m lingering with moving on, but yes I suppose it’s understandable and I really feel like taking this time is something I have to do. I think you will be ready to move on, when the time is right. And what you are telling yourself is true – this is all temporary.So everything is happening quite fast for me right now, and i’m trying to hold back because I don’t feel like I have done enough processing with the relationship. The ripped hunky guy that Belle sent me has responded, and wants to meet for coffee soon! I am so not ready for that, and I have no idea how to respond! I do fancy him though. I feel like life is trying to move me on and i’m there going “noooo i’m not done yet!”.
I tried typing up an email, but it just turned into a very angry rant at him. For me to rant at him would help me, but it wouldn’t help a possible reconciliation. I’m not sure what to do… perhaps blend in some rants with what i’ve learned about myself. Any ideas?
Oh and @Belle I’m really enjoying the book:) Your book recommendations are great! Keep ’em coming if you have any more:)
Aphrodite,
Just go for coffee with this guy, it won’t harm anyone and even if it’s a chat with someone different. Your not entering any legally binding contract with him and it’s not being deceitful it’s harmless and you never know you might just leave with a sprint in your step.
As for the email, you don’t need to get your point over in an angry rant. Try redraft with you rising above the anger.
Atea bound to be more useful in this area than me!Yes feeling better thanks! What the hell was it! Ewww
@belle, glad youre feeling better and strong as well – its amazing the turn around you’ve had this past week! i agree it is his loss and totally unnecessary for him to hurt you. I’m glad youre enjoying time with D as well – its probably fun to just have something casual and fun so enjoy it for now! my days are definitely getting easier. I’m not as overcome with sadness as i was and i am for sure getting used to the nc but i still feel a bit empty inside and like something is missing and i am still very hopeful he will come around and we can reconcile. i do wonder if he’ll ever reach out or what he’s thinking but I’m better able to control my thoughts and emotions and tell myself to do nothing and he will be in touch if he has something to say. i just think its sad overall that he gave up our relationship because there might be someone else out there for him. i guess he really had these doubts, but it just seems kind of silly to me. it would be one thing if he no longer loved me or was moving away or met someone else etc. but the reason for the breakup just seems to be him freaking out over commitment. I’m not sure. my mind is just constantly racing and wondering if he’s still planning on coming back eventually and when he plans to do so. I’m still giving him another 3 months or so before i reach out to discuss but then I’m going to want answers.
@aphrodite, go on the date!!! it doesnt have to be anything serious but it will be fun and get you out of the house and take your mind off ex for at least a little while. there is nothing to lose. you can be up front with this guy about the situation youre in but it would be nice to enjoy someone else’s company for a little while. about the letter, if you want to rant – rant! but i would also include some of your favorite memories and some of the lessons you’ve learned through this break up. tell him WHY it didn’t work last time, tell him what he’s done thats hurt you so badly. but you should also remind him why you still care by listing some things that were great about your relationship and conclude with telling him what you’ve learned so far and what you want to keep learning about yourself. i recommend writing a draft and keeping it for a few weeks so you can keep rereading and editing and changing things around. you’ll know when it sounds the way you want it to! most importantly, be HONEST about everything. i think that was what was so therapeutic for me – told my ex exactly how i felt. what i thought he did wrong, why i was hurt, what i thought i did wrong, and why i still care so much. i don’t think it changed anything for me but i hope it gave him something to think about and at least i got to express my feelings. i was so blind sighted when he broke up with me that i never felt i had a fair chance to get my say. i don’t even think he planned on breaking up with me the night he did. we were for a really nice dinner and got into a silly argument and then started discussing the future and it all came out. i do think he was probably thinking about doing it soon but i was unprepared and barely could get words out so i did feel happy expressing my side of things. i told him also why i thought he was the one for me and i let him know that i believe in our relationship and although we’ve had our ups and downs I’ve never lost faith in our connection or our relationship and he may need time away to appreciate it but i already do. if i were you, i think i would also question him on the reasons for the break up. it seems he really gave you no answers and that must be overall extremely confusing. i think after 10 years he owes it to you to really tell you why he wanted to end things. i think it would help give you closure or give you some things to think about if you decide to reconcile. hope this helps!Area,
Yes remarkable turnaround in me. Something just clicked in me. The letter than he couldn’t respond to with respect and not tanking my son directly made me very angry and actually see the person he is. I think how he handles life in general and passes blame all the time is something that I can’t respect him for.
I’ve been soul destroyed before with D and I just point blank refuse to go into that grief i experienced with him. It can take over your life totally and I just refuse someone like my ex to do that to me.
I’m better than that. I’ve been through so much more than he has ever been in his life and quite frankly he’s complaining about such small things in reality to the bigger picture. It really is his loss.
My mind is not whirring all the time, I’ve a spring in my step and I’m on the up.
I just can’t cry for him anymore.
After time I believe he will really regret what he’s done. But I expect it will be a lot of time,once he gets lonely or doesn’t meet anyone or in fact does meet someone but doesn’t have the same connection what we had.It’s good you have a plan of action, you need something to stick to.
I know he’s your fist love but I assure you that you can deeply love another deserving guy if your ex is foolishly not coming back. He too will regret it.
I assure you as some point he will be back, it’s just whether he leaves it too late. He will soon realise the grass isn’t greener over there.@belle, I actually do believe you’re right. I am pretty confident he will be back eventually – I know how well I treated him and what a great relationship we had. I think at this point he just wasn’t ready for such a serious commitment and wanted to play the field a little more before settling down. I think for us it will truly be a matter of timing. If he comes back before Ive moved on I think we can really work
This out but if he leaves it too late then I think it will be too far gone. That’s why I feel confident about my plan of a long Nc period because I think it will force him to decide more quickly whether he is ok losing me or not.
As for you, your ex will most definitely be back as well. He treated you horribly and your son in the end and it will most definitely catch up with him eventually and he will feel the guilt and lots of remorse for what he’s given up. Im glad you have spring back in your step and aren’t dwelling or letting him impact your life anymore. You seem like a funny, attractive person with a great attitude! Truly it will be hard for him to replicate this with someone else and when he comes crawling back it will be your decision! I also don’t want to let this break up consume my life either. Although it’s on my mind a lot
I’ve been making a concerted effort to be happy and just enjoy the present moment. As I’ve said my birthday is end of April so I can expect contact from him then. I will reassess the situation when I see how he Reaches out and if he seems ready to talk again then I will go from there and if not Maybe that will bring me further closure. Anyway I have about three months until then and I’ve accepted there’s nothing to do till then so I will try to enjoy each day and then reasses at that timeArea,
NC is the only successful action you can do. I can imagine how this has impacted on your life but however hard it is, see this as a lesson in life. We have these knocks for us to learn and view life slightly differently. It’s important times like these however hard and nonsense it all seems.
We have to put it all into perspective too, nobody has died, nobody has got some kind of terminal illness. It’s a life lesson that’s all and it horrible losing someone all down to a decision they’ve made. All those personal times we shared with them, in house jokes to maybe skinny dipping! It’s really personal stuff we’ve shared with them and it’s the hardest thing to let someone go totally.
He will be back atea. You never ever ever forget your first love! Ever!As for my ex, yes I’ve thought about how the guilt will play on him, and yes he will never meet another me. If my hunky old ex D came back, he’s handsome and his ex girlfriend is/was stunning. So that’s good to know that someone like that came back to lil old me! He’s younger too and could have pick of the bunch so if he finds me attractive enough to want to be with me, maybe personality and looks? Don’t mean to come across vain at all, I’m not and have huge insecurities of how I look like the majority of us but just trying to put a reasoning on the different meanings why my ex may come back. To be honest, I just may not want him back. He’s behaved like a spoilt brat and who wants one of thoes in their lives!
Least you have a gent in your life who’s treated you with respect! Shame I can’t say the same about mine!
@belle, i really agree with what you said. i feel very lucky. i haven’t had very traumatic events to overcome in my life. over ally I’ve been very very blessed. i think getting through this tough time will make me a stronger person in the end. i keep telling myself that. what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and everything happens for a reason! i will emerge from this. now that i see i can be functioning and ok on my own i will only enter or re enter into a relationship that i am getting the full benefits out of. if my ex isn’t 1000% on board to reconcile, ill walk away because now i can see i can live without him. id rather not but i know i can and thats very important to realize.
i agree also no one has died or sick. this is all a part of life. I’m very fortunate and thankful to have what i do have and i have a lot to be happy about. it is hard to lose all that personal stuff as you said. the little things that were unique to our relationship are what eats me up. sure i can find love again. I’m sure i wont end up alone but there were so many things that made our relationship very unique and its sad to think thats all gone. i do believe he will be back though – even if we don’t reconcile, i know we will discuss this again. i know ill see him again.
how long did it take for D to come back to you? I’m glad you have confidence! its funny i was at my therapist a few weeks back and she was laughing as i was telling her i thought i was such a catch. i said he is such an idiot! he gave up a good looking, intelligent, funny, and very loyal and responsible girl for what?! i told her i believe i possess all the qualities that he should be looking for. she told me she’s happy i don’t believe he left for my own faults – she said she thinks he would’ve left regardless of who he is with because he needs to feel independent, grow up on his own, and confirm which direction he wants his life to take. i don’t mean to sound vain or cocky either but i believe in the long run this will truly be his loss if he doesnt come back in time! I’m hoping this time apart is making him see that. D came back to you for all those reasons! you are the only you in the world and once he went off and saw that firsthand, he was back. i have no doubts that your current ex will have the same realization eventually. its the same for you of whether or not you will have moved on by then and all the progress yorue making now tells me it might be too late for him!
i think its nice my ex has been respectful with me throughout. he’s left the door wide open to reconcile and i don’t think he wants me to resent him any more than i already do for leaving. i think he’s tried to handle this to the best of his ability, so i am grateful for that. i do wish though sometimes he would’ve been harsher with me as i feel maybe it would have made it easier to move on! your ex will without a doubt regret for treating you without respect. after 8 years together you deserved at least that from him!D made his appearance back after 5 yrs. it’s now 8 yrs since split but he’s wanted me over these last 3 yrs but I’ve been with my ex as you know until now.
After a year or so after we split he met his girlfriend who he fell in love with, it was superficial because they were quite different however it lasted 5 years. He told me they split because they became incompatible and she wanted kids and he didn’t. She was younger than him and he already had a son so he didn’t want to start over.
I’ve mixed feelings about that which I won’t express!Dwarf,
It sounds like he is very skeptical right now if he wants a future or not with you. He needs time to figure himself out and also figure out what he wants with you. It’s really hard. I struggled a lot towards the end of my relationship individually. I know some beleive in no contact, but i always chose to be cordial with my ex. That decision is up to you however. I think respecting his decision for space is what you must do. It’s hard not to keep asking what he wants and things like that but you pretty much have to right now. He needs to decide what he wants. At some point if it drags on you have to then reach out and guage what’s going. It really sucks. As you also work on yourself and he works on himself hopefully when you reunite your relationship will be better than ever.
I know all that I must give it one more shot. I want to give it one more try and reach out. I will do that.
I really do think as we got older she felt pressure on herself to be with someone who can offer her more than I could at that time. I think her reaching out always about job hunting and now my new job means that was something that was important to her. I wrote what I want to say to her. I’m someone who always analyzes and goes into a situation with a plan. I feel good about my words. I have to do it face to face and not a letter or email because I feel like based on the last one she won’t be capable for some reason of opening and reading it. I would share my words here, but don’t feel comfortable putting it where it is visible to others. I also don’t think its possible to send private messages to get advice on it from a few people here.
I think im getting really mad that he didnt even say hi to me the other night and he told our friend he didnt know what to do in the situation. I also think because our close friend ( his best friend) didnt say hi to me either that hes hiding something…either that hes made a decision or that something is going on.
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