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Posts
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Fiddling with your hair! Now that’s a sign:)
I know EXACTLY what you mean about your ex being mentally stimulating! I get bored with guys easily but my ex was never boring! We could talk about everything and anything, and turn it into an interesting conversation. He’s not the most attractive man on the planet objectively, though he is to me in entirety due to his ability to stimulate me mentally, his wit and humour – how he has me in stitches, his romantic capacities, his DIY, his sexual attraction, ability to find practical answers and solutions to just about anything, how he remembers things about me I didn’t think he would, and his nurturing ways (though not so much regarding emotional matters). When he used to pick me up at the airport he would bring a blanket, a thermos with tea and selections of my favourite foods in the car. I’m so in love with his brilliant mind and these qualities!! Man, I want him back for those things… I cannot imagine finding anyone who has all those good qualities wrapped into one. I so wish he didn’t have that shadow side of lies, jealousy, neglect, manipulation etc. He is a man of many strong contrasts, the most complex person I know.
@Belle it’s not a bad thing to see him casually! It could mean a lot to your self-esteem right now. Just make sure your ex doesn’t find out about it. I too imagine kissing someone else being cheating – that’s something we have to get out of our heads. We are free to do anything and everything we please.I agree that six months from now is a good time to reach out if they haven’t – and if nothing comes from it we will have to deal with that then.
Yes you already told me about the books! I’ve written down the names of them and I may get myself a copy.
I definitely developed codependency issues during our relationship, and I’d be very interested to hear what behavioural issues you are finding about your ex – as maybe some are similar to my ex. I wish I could figure him out – how be could be so kind yet so cruel.As has been said before, this really is “doing time”. I’m not happy and not enjoying the present, but just hoping that I will at some point in the future. So we should use this time as productively as possible to learn, grow and improve ourselves! We have to water our own grass and not look up to see how our exes grass is doing! We’re not allowed to step on their lawn, so their grass is irrelevant anyway. No point in wishing we could walk on it or wanting to see how it’s growing when there’s a big sign there saying “get off the grass”. Why bother with the grass we can’t step on when we can grow our own magnificent grass?
Phew, I think I have turned a page on that desperation I had for now.
Yes I agree, worrying about what the other grass is thinking and doing is pointless – as we’re not allowed to step on it! It’s only taking time away from nurturing our own.
It makes me so happy to hear how you have developed yourself as a person so well during this time! I don’t feel that I can say the same, but hopefully that will change with a bit more time! I think I’m being slowed down in that process by living with my parents. I don’t have a choice about that for now though, as renting would be too expensive. It sure isn’t making me feel independent though – but the time for that will come. I just have to do the best I can with the situation I’m in. It was such a downgrade from living in s house with him, having our own garden and everything, it’s very humiliating and sobering. For now I feel exhausted from the gut feeling vs doubts and fears. I’m going to try taking one day at a time only and not look too far ahead.Yes you’re probably scared of rejection. I can’t say whether you should ask for her back now or later, but based on what you say I think you would be better off if you wait until you are completely happy with yourself.
A feature of depression is that you tend to not want to socialise, and you pull yourself away from people. You believe you’re not good enough for them and you’re ashamed of feeling what you do and being how you are, you don’t have the energy to put on those fake smiles. If this girl is someone who always put on smiles, isn’t very open about what she’s going through, is independent and cared a lot what others think – then there is reason to suspect embarrassment and feelings of unworthiness as a possible cause of this. She doesn’t want you to see her at her worst and this was the best way to hide it from you. It could be that she has a real fear of you abandoning her, so she broke up with you before you got the chance to break up with her.
It’s hard to say, but her crying and everything else you have said makes this seem more probable to me than the fact that she genuinely doesn’t want to be with you.If you do reach out to her later, maybe you could say something like “Hey. I know you have been going through a lot lately. I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you ever need someone to talk to” and consider adding in “No matter what, I love you, and want to be there for you if you will let me” – or something of that sort. Have a think about it. @Belle @atea1234 what do you say?
Don’t worry about getting more than you’re giving, we are all going through the same here. I’ll let you know if I want your opinion on something:)
How long have you been in NC? When was the break up?
Okay, thanks.
I’m sure everyone else will disagree with me here, but I think you should let her know how you feel. After 8 years this has got to hurt no doubt and I think you are well within your right to let her know that! Just don’t go all crazy and call her names.After you’ve done this you can do NC. I was in a relationship when I met my ex, and I dumped him for my ex. My old ex never contacted me after I met him to break up, he didn’t say a word. I didn’t think of him much because of this. I found out years later that he was soul crushed and it took him years to get over me – I had no idea! I kind of wish he had let me know how upset and angry he was at the time it happened. I wish he had had the guts to confront me with it, for his sake and because I deserved it. I think sometimes it’s important to show we have a spine.
Wait until @Belle and @atea1234 wakes up to hear what they have to say about it, or create a topic and see what others think. You should get more opinions before acting on it.
Morning Aphrodite!
Why are you always up so early? Or go to bed late! Lol
Dog woke me this morning barking at a fox outside! On a Saturday! Honestly whatever next!Lots to read today!
Apologies I repeated myself over the book…. Clearly going senile!
I’m glad your down days have lifted for the time being. It’s normal and no doubt we will all have the good and bad days, just vent to us and we will pick you up 🙂Ryan6611
Need more facts about everything, what happened to breakup?
Shall come back later as need to get out of bed soon to get my son to school… On a Saturday! It’s so wrong! Arggg…
Morning sunshine!
As you know I had a lot of trouble with my sleep. Recently it’s been much better and I’ve been going to bed very early (8pm-9pm) so I keep waking up around 3,4,5am! I’m actually really enjoying the peace and quiet of the mornings.
School on Saturdays? You can’t be the only parent upset about that! Haha I remember there were quite a few foxes in London, to my surprise.
And don’t worry about repeating yourself:) Thank you to both of you (@atea1234 ) for helping me out in the desperation! We are so lucky to be embarking on this together.Did you read Kevin’s email today? Without thinking it through I bought the secret survey program… Really hope it’s worth the money and that I didn’t just throw away lots of cash for nothing *gulp*
If you do reach out to her later, maybe you could say something like “Hey. I know you have been going through a lot lately. I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you ever need someone to talk to” and consider adding in “No matter what, I love you, and want to be there for you if you will let me”
Yea I did this in the beginning and pretty much throughout. I always told her I would be there for her no matter what. Whenever I did something nice since I always said that its just cause I want the world to see you smile. I always ask her if she is getting better and happy. I always understood her situation and wanted to be sure she knew.
Also I have a question lol. The guy who says he’s getting more than he gives out has another question.
The last time I saw her she was the one who brought up hanging out again. It’s been over a month now and she hasn’t reached back out to do so. Why would she bring that up herself without me saying anything about it, but now not make good on that? I told her that night that it’s up to her and to let me know when she would like to do something. I recommended after she brought it maybe seeing a movie and she said ok that’s a good idea. This girl is so confusing haha. I won’t reach out to to meet up because it was her idea.
Well it’s really late here and I just got home from going out…time to call it a night
Mike2014
She’s one hell of a confused gall!
It’s hard to judge why she agreed in meeting up and thought movies was good idea as non of us know what’s going on in her life.
Maybe she bit scared in reaching out to you?Aphrodite,
Kevin’s email was about “The big meet up” this morning, you might be ahead of me in the emails.
Maybe I’ve got the secret survey to come!
What’s it about?Why are you feeling this urge? What is it that you want to achieve by it? Tell us what’s going on in your mind and what feelings you’ve got
Come on girl, we’re a team, you got this!
Okay, so you’ve already done that… Hmmmm..
I really don’t know why she would bring it up and not follow through, unless she wants you to chase her. Maybe she’s testing you to see if you’ll persevere and be persistent in wanting her, if she ever had any trust issues with you it could back that up. I really don’t know.
She does seem quite confusing, and it’s likely that’s because she’s confused herself.Don’t worry about asking more questions.
Yep I’m ahead of you by 10 days. I thought we all got the same ones at the same time haha, but this makes more sense. Kevin recommends a 30 day program that will make you understand EVERYTHING about men, why they lie etc. I did an impulse buy, and it’s around £57 I think D: So it reeeeeally better be worth it! I almost got “tricked” into buying an add-on for the same price. This break up has cost me a lot! I’m gonna have a look at it later.
Funny how reading this forum has made me notice how different exes men and women can be. In a way, I feel like it’s easier for us girls, because the men seem to be more consistent in sticking to their decisions and don’t send as many mixed signals or show weakness.. which can be frustrating at times, of course, but it’s easier to move on that way. On the other hand, I feel like women would be more susceptible to the powers of NC.. like Mike was saying about her ex and how she kept contacting him and being affectionate, thus kind of sending out mixed signals and probably being quite confused about her own emotions as well. I think hitting her with NC would have an immediate shock effect and make her question what she’s lost. Of course this is only a very broad generalization.
Anyway, doing great everybody! I’m more of a reader than a writer at this point, but I’m with you in spirit! Stay strong!
It will be two weeks NC for me tomorrow and I have some exciting things to look forward to next week, so yay!
Aphrodite,
Before you buy anything do a quick search on internet for reviews etc…let me know if it’s worth it!
Break up are expensive! we do a lot of impulse buying whether self help books, therapists, retail therapy etc….I’ve got two pairs of trainers coming today..hehe.I don’t know about this email. I’m angry because he’s just cut me off thinking im this crazed person. There were real reasons I did everything I did to push him away and he just thinks i did it because it’s the way I am. His behaviour had a knock on effect which in hand made me react the way I did.
I’m angry because he can’t have a sit down talk or ask for my opinion to find out why I did the things I did.
As you know he just says he feels there is nothing to discuss! It’s like what the hell! I’m angry he hasn’t given me the opportunity to explain.
My email says it all, it’s not needy in any way, it’s telling him of the revelations I’ve discovered but it also tells him that he has just as big issues which he plainly will not address.
He’s making me out as the bad guy when I’m innocent and I just want to put the record straight.
I’m on day 15 NC which is amazing and I would love to get to 30 as a personal achievement. Saying that, the frustration of not being able to put the record straight is unreal today.
I’m not sad today…just frustrated. I actually see how weak he is by blanking me, pulling the guilt trip. I also,see how he in fact has more issues than me but he makes out I’ve more than him. FRUSTRATING!
Every one says it’s his loss to lose me and one day he might appreciate that. His ego got the better of him on this one!Yeah I should have looked for reviews! Yep break up’s sure are expensive. I want to save up money but I keep spending on silly things like this. Hopefully worth it though. I’ll let you know. Ah – but trainers are an investment! Having nice work out gear makes us want to work out more:)
I understand your frustration! Completely. The fact that he’s gone all cold, distant and angry makes it seem like you were in the wrong. Maybe he even makes you feel humiliated by not validating your emotions. Of course there were real reasons you behaved the way you did! And it’s good that you have identified more of them.
It’s the same with me, my behaviour to my ex were reactions from his behaviour, I wasn’t able to have a different perspective at the time as I couldn’t see the woods for the trees.
When I went to collect my things I wanted to talk to my ex about how he’s hurt me. He implied that I should go talk to a psychologist about it, not him. It felt so demeaning! And like he wouldn’t take responsibility for the hurt he caused at all! It makes it so hard because our frustrations build up like anything and we can’t vent them out knowing they will be aknowledged and validated, but the vents just hit a stone wall instead. And it causes even more frustration!So I really understand how you feel, and I know what it’s like having that urgency, feeling like you’re just about to burst with frustration. However I think you should hold off the email for now! Wait until you have reached day 30. You will be so proud of yourself if you manage to wait until then!
You have been doing SOOO well, and if you don’t get the response you want from this email then I think it will upset you more as you broke your NC for it. Consider the fact that he won’t even reply to the email and how that would make you feel.Give it two days at least, I’m sure by then you will feel stronger again! There is no urgency – you can email him at any point later on.
I know how you feel though and I do feel the same as you quite a lot. But we can do this! Don’t give him the power by placing the ball in his court, wait until day 30!Having a bit of trouble keeping NC… it’s so tempting. My ex and I were together for 5 years. There were ups and downs, but I was always there for her when she needed me and I know everything about her.
My problem is my ex decided, with strong family influence, to move out and break up. She’s now living in a city that’s about 45 minutes away with some girls she goes to school with. The thing is she is the odd man out with this group, but she’s trying her best to fit in and be someone she’s not. It also doesn’t help that there’s this girl that had been hitting on my ex hardcore when we were still dating… and she’s living with her now. This particular girl had been in a relationship while she was doing all of this. It worries me what might be going on between them, but I really do not think she’s my ex’s type. I know for a fact she is not in the looks department, as my ex is very shallow with looks and this girl does not have a lot going for her in that department, as mean as that is to say. To add to that, she NEVER smiles… kind of has a serial killer look to her.
I guess it’s just really rough for me since my ex made the decision to split and lied to me and kept a lot from me. She told me many times I’m her best friend and she can’t live without me in her life, yet she has not made any attempt to contact me. We’ve known each other since we were little and were best friends for 7 years, but her behavior and actions, or lack there of, seem to contradict everything.
I’m doing my best to stay active, excel at my job, exercise daily, eat better, and get out with old friends and new ones. I’ve picked up new hobbies and go on long drives listening to music as it calms me down.
I know if I break NC, she’ll get power from it. I refuse to let that happen after how she initiated the split. I guess I need to keep watering my own grass, but man it can be tough sometimes.
This thread gives me the push I need to keep on keepin’ on. You folks are wonderful.
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