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I actually meant your ex is more extreme than I was lol. But that doesn’t mean she can’t change.
I like the ball idea and I think I will ask her to go on a picnic. I can’t ask her to do it this weekend though because I had something come up, I have to help my brother in law move. But things seem to keep getting better and better with her, I can tell she really misses me. She’s texted me the last couple of nights checking up on me even though she’s on vacation with her friends. She probably wouldn’t have done that even when we were still together! She still doesn’t seem to want to talk on the phone with me all that much which kind of sucks but we didn’t do that much when we dated because we basically saw each other every day until I went to college. I guess I just hope she will want to go out on a ‘date’ with me lol.
@baseballguy1996 how long have you done NC for? Did it work?
Im debating breaking NC as we are still listed as in a relationship on Facebook…don’t know whether to risk it and ask him though ?
lol yeah, she can be more than a bit extreme….it’s a wonder I still want to be with her. The heart wants what it wants, huh?
It’s ok if she doesn’t talk on the phone that much, like you said, you both txted a lot when you were together anyways. Txting is good as long as you don’t talk about anything too serious on there or you’ll end up like me and my ex where she misread everything I said. Basically anything that has you both going out and having fun, chasing each other around, laughing, having a good time, it stirs up the pheromones. Those “feel good” hormones. She will have so much fun, it will have her thinking more and more about you just as I thought she would when she went on her vacation. See? Nothing to worry about. She’s thinking of you the majority of the time.
Indeed, the our wants and desires can be strange at times, can’t they?
You’re a smart man Phil, everything you’ve told me so far has been spot on. Your advice has been great for me and gotten me through some rough moments, thank you
Don’t mention it, man….I’m just glad to see things are going your way and hopefully past all of the rough times you’ve gone through. With all of the horrible things going on out there, life is just way too short.
P.S. It’s a lot easier as you know to give advice as long as your the person on the outside. lol I could never give myself advice when feelings are involved.
Yeah I’m glad things are going my way right now too but I must remember that ba times so I can truly enjoy the good and not make the same mistakes. I still have a long way to go, we are far from back together. Even if/when we get back together there aren’t any garauntees it will stay that way. This is the girl I once, and still do dream of marrying. I have a long long way to go to get to that point (not to mention I’m way too young). Nonetheless, humility is a great virtue in all aspects of life, so I must remain humble.
Yeah, someone told me that when a man gets dropped to his knees, it humbles him and the only way to go from that point on it up and forward. I’ve gained 15 pounds from being 118 and I’m a lot more happier now and working out hard. You may be a long way as you say from getting back together and to not make the same mistakes but I believe you’re a much different person than you used to be and your ex will see that once you both spend time together. That’s all it really takes is quality time together and things will continue going your way. Yeah, you’re still young but you have hopes and dreams of marrying this girl so never give up on your hopes and dreams for anything.
@phillthedrill, do you mind reading my story for some advice? I’ve just read your replies on here, and they’re amazing!
@philthedrill
Ugh, two steps forward and one step back I’m afraid. She called me yesterday because she was worried and stressed about college starting soon. I think it hit her right away when she came home home from her vacation. So anyway I gave her advice and something still seemed to be bothering her so I asked her and she started bringing up us….
We both agreed that our situation was VERY complicated. She said she doesn’t want to hurt me anymore than she already has and that she hates hurting me. I told her what’s in the past is in the past and I made plenty of mistakes too. She then said she doesn’t want to hurt me again so I asked why she felt like she was going to hurt me again. She said because she is going to follow what God has planned for her and she can’t promise me a relationship and so on and so forth. It made me pretty upset but I didn’t show her that side of me in the moment and I just tried to comfort her. I told her I had my fears of getting hurt again and that her behavior sometimes worries me. Then she said again she just is unsure of where God is going to take her and that she doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. That was pretty much the end of our conversation because I was pretty upset and I didn’t want to say anything stupid (which I didn’t.)
It’s all just very frustrating! It feels like she’s using God as an excuse to go see if there’s a better option and if there’s not, I’m just a fallback. I don’t know how to tell her this without offending her. I want to just ignore her the next time she texts me but I know that’s not a smart idea but it’s hard to keep motivated when in limbo. I still have trust issues with her after our breakup and her saying things like she did doesn’t help the matters any. I love her so much and I know she still loves me a lot so I don’t know why she’s fighting it. Man this college thing is really getting to me, it makes me very nervous that she will find someone else… We went to a small school where everyone knew everyone. Now going to college and being and an attractive woman, this will be the first time in her life where she will have a lot of guys flirting/hitting on her. I’m afraid she will just leave me behind and go for the ‘greener grass.’ I understand this is very insecure of me and I’m trying to work on it but it’s a legitimate fear I have and I want to bring it up with her but again probably not a smart idea.
I feel myself falling hard for her again and I’ve been getting my hopes up too high and now I may be paying it! Grr, this is all so frustrating. Thanks for letting me vent fill and for the great advice you will probably give me lol
Worried and stressed about college is what all of this boils down to and it’s bringing up all these insecurities she has and her insecurities with you. She’s bringing up God because I don’t think she knows how to say this whole college thing is stressing her out and bringing up all of these worries. Right now she’s letting her insecurities control her. I think all of her feelings, even the strong ones freak her out as well so in a way, she’s running a little bit from those feelings. Her saying she doesn’t want to hurt you over and over, she’s showing how scared she is of herself getting hurt….not by you but college and life. She probably doesn’t know how hard college is going to be and it scares her.
I don’t think she’s waiting around for a better option or anything. I know you’re really upset, and as hard as hell as it is, ignore what she said about you. This isn’t anything to do with you and all about her and her being scared. What you have to focus on is giving her a little space so she can deal with her anxiety over it all and then she will come find you. Once the dust settles a little bit, she will lean on you for support. If you still want to plan something with her when you have time, I say do it. Trek forward like she didn’t say anything. Like I said, give her a few days to let her deal with things.
What if she contacts me? She’s been initiating the contact with me almost everyday for the last week. Do I just ignore it or do I tell her I need some space? I want to help her but I don’t want to step all over me either. I’m afraid I’m giving her the emotional support and perks of a relationship without the commitment. I don’t know how to put my foot down without being a jerk.
Perhaps I just need to calm down and start thinking about things more carefully, the problem is in having a hard time calming down. I can feel the anger and resentment coming back. I thought I was over it. I hate this feeling
It’s fine if she contacts you, I’m saying to just let her be the one to contact you first. Do you think you need some space from her? You know what your limits are and hell no, she can’t be walking all over you. The resentment unfortunately is always going to be there until you deal with what happened fully. The way to do that is to let it go if you still want a relationship with her. The way you can let it go is to go to a room alone at your place, and just yell and scream as if she were there with you and tell her how you feel, how hurt you are and that you’re tired of her always letting you down. Vent out loud and then you will feel better about things. Your resentment is coming up because you feel like she’s just leaving you in limbo and you hate it, which is totally normal.
The way you put your foot down without being a jerk is to be calm, yet stern and basically “this is the way it’s going to be”….without getting mad or angry. If you feel like she’s being too indecisive, just tell her straight out. Tell her the truth but don’t do it in a yelling way. Only raise your voice if she raises hers. You just have to be the alpha male and just take charge in the situation. Just do it in a way you’re not losing your power, yelling etc…..
I’m more calm now, I wrote my feelings down and it made me feel a lot better. I wrote some things down I might say to her, let me know what you think:
Let me start off by asking you a question. When you cross a road do you cross straight away and say “if God wants me to make it to the other side, I’ll make it to the other side.” Or do you look both ways? We both know the answer to that, in fact the question seems a little silly. If that’s true then why do you say “If God wants us to get back together, we’ll get back together.”? You are testing God and using that statement to justify your actions and your indecision. That is wrong.
I’m not sure why you fight your feelings for me and maybe you don’t know yourself but I don’t like being caught in an inbetween stage. I’m not asking for much, just a small amount of commitment. I understand you have a lot going on in your life, especially things that are changing and you don’t want a relationship right now. Honestly I’m probably not ready for a relationship again either, I still have a lot of work to do. If you tell me all you need is time and/or space right now but we will get back together eventually, I’ll trust you with all my heart and I will wait. That would be a big risk for me emotionally but it is one I’m willing to take with your commitment. If your feelings for me aren’t strong enough to take that kind f a chance on me, then tell me. Just be honest.If/when I say it o her I would probably add more but anyway, your thoughts?
@Baseballguy1996 phillthedrill gave you lots of great advice
5 year relationship, friends for awhile in high school and then dating for about 2 years and break up about 5 months ago. Are you living near each other now? How far apart are your colleges? And will you still be the same distance apart as far as living arrangements are concerned while at college?
When you were having outside problems the last year of the relationship, you were short tempered and snapped at her. She must have been very unhappy because of your temper and since you were both very young when you began the relationship, she probably thought; “I don’t want or need this”, and thought there must be sweeter guys out there that would treat her better and with more respect. But that’s in the past. She still loves you and sees you together when she figures out some things. She’s very sorry for the mistakes she made and how she sometimes treated you and you’ve apologized too. And you’ve both forgiven each other. And when you forgive someone, it means you let go of the past hurts and don’t hold onto bitterness and resentments.
You would want to start over with a clean slate, whether as friends or lovers. As far as I can tell you both understand more of why there was a break up, but not sure if you both talked about ways you could improve yourselves in order to make a ‘possible’ future relationship with each other better. If not, and if at some point she would be willing, it would be very important to have that sort of talk before considering getting back together. This sort of talk could even be much later on.. if the time isn’t appropriate for now.
She wanted to see you a couple of weeks ago, but you didn’t take her up on it, so she gave up and didn’t ask again so as to appear as begging. Don’t know why she wanted to see you, maybe to go over the same things, but she wanted to see you in person, which was a good sign.
You shouldn’t be concerned about the length of a text from her or how long you two text back and forth during one session. At some points texts end, lol. The main thing is she is reaching out to you! Then there are times when you reach out to her. It’s a beautiful reciprocal thing:)
I understand you’re concerned about her going to college and leaving you, but there are no guarantees in life for any of us. Don’t fear or worry about things that might or might not happen. We all take life each day as it comes and face it the best we can..
Giving her emotional support is NOT giving up any sort of power. It’s what people do when they care about each other!! When she contacts you, don’t ignore her. I know you’re feeling upset, but telling her you need space at a time when she’s already said so many positive things about her feelings for you, would send what you have now into a tail spin. This would be the time to see her and have a nice time together before she goes off to college.
Curious as to what you want to put your foot down on without being a jerk? If it’s giving her an ultimatum or asking for a commitment right now, it will cause her more stress, since she’s already anxious and undecided about her future.
The most repetitive thing she’s mentioned is God. What church does she belong to? Are you a member of the same church? My advice would be to go with her to have a talk with her minister! The minister could explain what it means to “follow God” and why your ex felt she was drifting away from God as a reason to break up with you. Maybe the minister could even suggest ways to stay connected to God while being in a relationship. Like praying together, reading parts the bible together and discussing it sometimes, and going to church together.
Sorry, I just don’t know what else to say except don’t ruin a good thing by pressuring her.. PS: I like your logic of crossing the road. But if asking for a “small amount of commitment” means you want her say that you will get back together eventually, I don’t think she would be willing to make that promise, at least not now. Remember, she’s confused and not thinking logically..
Yes, we live near each other. We both live in small towns 7 miles apart, when she goes to college she will be about 10 miles away. My college is about 50 miles away but I won’t be going back until January and I come home on the weekends so distance isn’t really a problem.
You’re right, I shouldn’t say nor do I really need space. It would mess up whatever chemistry we have built back up with each other. The ‘putting my foot down’ thing was more me speaking while I was upset more than anything. I guess I just weak and didn’t really mean it.
We are both quite religious, but her probably more so that me for a good part of our relationship. That was part of our downfall, I didn’t have a great relationship with God. I’ve fixed that now though and got my priorities straight. She is Catholic an I am Lutheran, so we never went to church together but we did pray together. We would talk about the bible and God in our relationship but it wasn’t enough of an emphasis. We could talk to a minister but we have pretty much figure out what went wrong. She says she felt she placed me above God and that’s why she broke up with me. Which in my opinion is a good reason to break up with me but she wasn’t honest about it in the beginning so it confused me a lot.
The ultimatum probably isn’t a good idea but I’m not sure what else to do. I guess I’m not even asking for a small amount of commitment but am I really asking for much? If she truly loves me, why would she even be scared to commit? How should I approach it?
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