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Hello all, sorry this is so long.
So I’m 3 out of a relationship, almost immediately after the breakup I went to a 30 day NC period. Since then my ex and I have talked quite a bit and been very friendly with each other. Neither of us have resentment towards the other, our breakup wasn’t ugly.
However, last night I was talking to her and I opened up and told her I still loved her and that I hoped one day we could get back together. It was probably a mistake on my part to say that but she took it fairly well. She told me she was afraid of this happening when we started talking again and that she just viewed me as a really close friend, one that she could tell anything to. She also said that she wasn’t sure if she didn’t know if we could ever date again, she wants to work on herself before she gets in any relationship.
She really does care for me and has supported me and listened to all of my problems (I have a lot going on in my life right now), and is a very good friend to me. I really love her and would rather be friends than nothing at all but is NC my best option right now?
Hi Kevin
I am in 30 day NC period but my question my Ex already in Rebound Relationship or whatever relationship .. if what I contact after my 30 days period but she is in great relationship with new chick why would she respond me that came to my mind … if someone already in relationship still they want ex back .. confusing me my friend
That’s all
But hey I won’t give up that’s for sureI think what you have to do since you already did the 30 day NC is to not always talk to her about problems. It sounds like she’s really patient and understanding but if you both just mainly talk about problems in your life, you’re going to just stay in the friendship zone. NC is usually for when you just break up, not right now if you’re talking again and everything seems to be ok. I mean, if you’re feeling down or low on yourself, then I would definitely try to improve that area of your life so you can be happy again. Then, when you get that straightened out, you will be able to be in a relationship again.
Thanks for the input Phil! I guess I should clarify most of the stud we talk about are outside of the two of us. For example, my sister is suffering from depression and I get her advice on that. I have been working on my issues privately and have resolved some. So if you mean we should talk more casual, what’s the point? I was thinking if I started NC for another short period, maybe 2 or 3 weeks, it would make her realize how much she misses me. I know she still cares about me. But I don’t know, maybe that’s a bad idea
I think it’s great you’re trying to work on yourself privately. It really will help you out in the long run. Best advice I received is to work on yourself from the inside out. Do what you have to do to look good and feel good. Then the positive vibe you have will come flowing out and if your ex sees that, it’s very powerful. When you do talk to her, it has to be more positive. I’m sure she helps you with advice on your sister but what would help more if you talked about more positive things…things you accomplished during the day or the week….things that would make her smile….not heavy subjects. You want her to see you in a positive light and smile about it. That helps trigger happy emotions. You can do the whole NC but if you have been talking regularly for awhile and you all of the sudden do NC, then it’s going to look like you’re avoiding her or playing a game which is why I wouldn’t. NC is usually for times when you break up, mad at each other, hurt and then you concentrate on yourself to pull yourself back out of it. NC is for full focus on you but at the same time, it’s usually done if you’ve just broken up or had some kind of setback.
Im in need of some advice please
That’s good advice Phil. I’m just worried that if I let her keep me in the friend zone, I will stay there forever. I guess I’m not sure how to get out of it haha
Honestly it’s hard to get out of the friendship zone but definitely not impossible. What you have to create is an aura of mystery and excitement for her to shift out of the friendship zone. Stay positive in your talks and saying things like…”damn, I had so much fun today!” But conversations you have with her, keep them short….you’re busy and have a busy life, but don’t make too much time for her. If you’re used to talking to her for hours on end or for awhile, that shift will be hard. Try the best you can to focus on what you want out of her and if it’s more than just talks (friendship) then you have to have more going for you. Talk about working out again or some kind of achievement and accomplishment. Then keep it all short and then just say you have to go do something and leave a little mystery there so it will keep her wondering.
Thanks again Phil for all the advice.
Sorry to keep asking so many questions but she hasn’t been in a ‘rebound’ relationship since we broke up. Do you think that’s a good sign or a bad sign? Also what if she comes to me about her problems? What do I say? Or if she wants to meet up in person? Do I accept or say ‘I’m busy’?
Also, I should say we are both religious. She eventually she told me she broke up with me because she felt her relationship with God had gotten worse and that she had placed me above him. Not sure how religious you are or aren’t so maybe you don’t have an answer but do you think a relationship can recover from that?
It’s ok to ask questions. It’s a definite good sign if she hasn’t been in a rebound relationship. You don’t want her to rebound with someone else. I’m not a certain religion per se, but I do believe God should be at the cornerstone of every relationship. The only way to eliminate that would be for you both to go to church more together. That’s not a good reason to break up. It’s all about compromise and you both can go do things to worship God together.
If she comes to you about her problems, you can be there for her, just keep it short and not dwell on it. If she wants to meet up in person, I don’t see anything wrong with that since you’re not fighting and not doing the NC. Just keep it fun and light-hearted and do things you both can have fun doing.
Thanks again Phil, I will keep you updated!
If there’s any advice I can try to give you let me know haha. There has to be a reason you’re on here.
Haha, thanks. Yeah, I came on here for the same reasons as far as dealing with my girlfriend who broke up with me about a month ago. I haven’t talked to her since but she does have a lot of problems, PTSD, mood swings up and down, depression etc… when I first came here, it really was to try to get her back, but I finally realized that I needed to work on myself and just let her be. She’s been divorced twice…and claims I was the only one who has ever loved her that much, but at the end she told me I didn’t care about her depression which is not true since I was always doing tons of little things for her. She flat out told me on txts that it doesn’t feel right anymore. (in other words, probably the happiness doesn’t feel right since she’s not used to it) She’s had a really bad past and it’s come back and she’s using it against me even though I never cheated nor abused her. She had it great, and according to some people, they think she got scared and ran off. So, I will stay focused on me and let her go for awhile even though I love her very much.
You have a very good approach and outlook I think.
Your ex seems to be how I used to be but more extreme. I had a lot happening In the last year of our relationship. My mom passed away and I was struggling with money and even had mild depression. I would take it out on her (not physically but I would have a short temper with her). I guess I learned I couldn’t be helped unless I wanted to be if that makes sense. So until she decides she wants to get better, she probably won’t. The bright side is, she probably will eventually figure that out, it just takes some time I guess.
Well, she used to be a lot worse according to her. I’m sorry to hear your mom passing away, I know that had to be hard. No, my ex has depression really bad, sometimes thinking of suicide. I’ve always been there for her, showing, not just telling her everyday how much I love her, but I guess it was never going to be enough. She said she upped her own meds and I think the side effects aren’t good either. She’s been divorced twice, claimed they cheated on her and that no one can handle her, so I’m sure she’s telling everyone I couldn’t handle her either. We had a small fight and I tried to tell her how I felt over txts messages which was my fault since txts can be misconstrued, she took it to mean I didn’t care about her depression. See, when she gets into these moods, she always thinks the worst of me and it all goes back to her past and even childhood. The last day I saw her when she wouldn’t pay attention to me, came over and got her stuff, she was colder than I have ever seen her, like this whole other person took over. It hurt a lot but all I know is I just want her to be happy and now I gotta focus on my happiness. She will never be cured of her depression and PTSD of course.
Yeah man, you’re doing all you can. You’re doing the right stuff. Sometimes people just can’t be helped at certain time and they blame others because they don’t want to accept the responsibility of changing themselves. I feel for ya, it must be pretty tough. And she probably won’t ever be ‘cured’ but if she takes the time to self evaluate and make changes she could make it much more manageable. I feel for her top because I’ve been there, albeit not as badly as her as it sounds. But when you’re in a bad situation you have to accept you are the sole person responsible for your happiness. Other people can help you along for sure but it doesn’t matter until you decide you are going to put in the work for yourself. Hopefully she will see that someday.
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