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Maybe he feels off a bit but I am so hurt in our 2 years of relationship we have agreed never to post our relationship problems in social media and never block each other because we think it is immature. We are not really the kind of people who uses social media a lot that’s why i was so dumbfounded by what he did. What i dont like is him acting like a victim that I was the one who caused him hurt when in fact he was the one who gave up on us.
What I meant about that question is did your ex gf (the one you got back together with) ever contacted you after the breakup or did you contact her first? Cause I dont think I will gain much advantage in contacting him first. I almost on my 3 weeks smooth NC since our breakup in person.
I believe in the adage “kill them with kindness” but I have never put in practice personally because my ex and I dont have the same uni schedule we haven’t seen each other after the breakup. I just think that we should act with kindness but also indifference? Waving hi and smilling at them when we see them but also bypassing them as we walk by as if they are only an acquaintance nothing more.
Maybe he posted it because he wanted you to see it and is trying to get a reaction out of you. If that’s the case then it worked but you shouldn’t let him know that. You have to remain strong and just roll with it. Worst case he is seeking out attention but if my current ex posted something like that I’d take it as she is thinking about me, and that the weight of her decision is finally hitting her (which is another way of looking at it). My current ex doesn’t post anything on social media but likes a lot of things, but when she does like them I do not look too much into it because i know she may find it to be funny or she just agrees with what the subject of the post is. I would take that post as a sign that your ex is being effected by what you are doing.
At first she did contact me(atleast every week) but eventually she stopped and started doing her own thing. This would be my first experience with NC because i didn’t know this was a method up until recently. She didn’t post much on social media either but I would find out from common friends and would sometimes ask them how she has been doing, sometimes i would find out that she asks my family members how i am doing as well. It wasn’t until i felt that i made a huge mistake, i worried that i May have lost her to someone else, i worried that if i didn’t act soon that i May never get her back and that’s when i asked her how she was doing and told her that i had missed her and wanted to give us another try. See as the guy that’s in that situation and did the breaking up it was an ego boost for me knowing that if i wanted to i could possibly get her back at any moment, but when she stopped reaching out to me my ego started wavering and made me think that i made a mistake and that i had lost a big part of my life. Reaching out to him after he said he doesn’t want to be with you will make your situation worse because he knows he still had you wrapped around his finger. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder so give him your absence for now and it should work in your favor. Think of it this way as well, for 2 years you were there for him dealing with everything he’s put your through, whether it be good or bad, he will remember that and he will come to find that it is not easy to find someone that will love him enough to stick it out with him as you have. He will come to realize the love you had (i day it in past tense because he wouldn’t know if you still love him or not) for him and realize he made a terrible mistake. That’s if he isn’t a douchey guy (idk how your ex is personality wise or how he carries himself), I believe your situation is better than mine as the current moment because he did something that you two agreed to not do possibly to get a reaction out of you. So my advice is not to look too much into it and accept that even if it’s aimed at you directly take it as him thinking of you still and let that give you the strength to carry out your objective.
I get the killing them with kindness thing but at the same time I don’t see a point in waving hi or anything to her if she won’t do the same back. She could still be feeling guilty for putting me through the pain by leaving me so that may be why she is avoiding me or not saying hi to me or anything but I’m not sure. I’ve read online somewhere that I should be mirroring her actions that she does to me in order to make her feel the weight of her decision (it sounds and is very petty but I’m willing to try it if it works). I’m not entirely sure how she is taking the breakup that she wanted exactly or whether or not what I’m doing is right or even having an effect on her but I’m hoping for some kind of sign soon. Right now I’m trying for a 3 month (90 day) NC period but I know it’s going to be hard and I’m not entirely sure if my efforts will mean anything, but i do know that she seems to avoid eye contact with me and avoid walking to certain areas where she knows i will see her.
I know for sure that NC works on guys (because it works on me for sure) but not entirely sure how it effects women because it’s so hard for me to tell what exactly they are thinking (specifically my ex).
Ok I will push through and not contact him and just continue doing my thing. Thank you for giving me insights that gives me strength. NC it is all the way.
I have read somewhere that it only take 66 days for a person to stop a hobby. So if you were a constant in ou S/O’s life it might only take 66 days to get you out of their system. That’s why I initially wanted to do NC for 45 days but now seeing your opinion I think NC can take even longer even without failed attempts. So a 90 day one I think is a good timeline for you to develop yourself.
Ignoring you I think is a good sign because it is showing that you still affect her at some level. Indifference is the opposite of love not hate I think that if she started showing that you dont affect her anymore that’s what i truly believe is a lost cause by what you are saying she could be guilty or even angry at you and that should give you some hope.
No problem. Giving him space will make him miss you more instead of viewing you as a bother so you want him to really feel the weight of his decision. Make sure you’re not sitting around waiting on him either, use this time to make yourself better so when he comes back you will know how to deal with every issue properly. Remember YOU should be the prize and he has to view you that way.
The thing about the timeline is that it varies depending on circumstances. Some article say 21 days but i find that to be ridiculous because how is anybody going to change in such a short amount of time so I feel like it should be a little bit longer than 21 days. Even a month is not enough because after the first month most people (atleast i do) still feel the heartbreak. So therefore i feel a little bit longer would be better. I have read that breaking NC could push the timeline back further though so try to keep it Until you are ready.
Thank you for that insight. I was feeling like an ass and feeling like i did something wrong by not saying anything, also read articles where if I’m being avoided then it’s a done deal but i didn’t think that maybe i am still effecting her.
I am hoping it does. Because my ex is a little selfish and stubborn at the same time. She’s one of those people that once her mind is made up it’s set in stone. So I’m hoping the psychology will work the same on her as well.
As much as you thank me I’d like to also thank you for giving me a woman’s input on my situation as well. I’ve been asking a lot of guys and most the coaches online are men so I like a woman’s input because obviously i don’t really understand what she may be thinking.
I saw him today at a party but he didnt saw me I miss him it’s just so ironic how one person tells you he loves you then after an argument and a month of space he suddenly don’t have feelings for me anymore. I didnt approached him I don’t think I am ready. I hope NC will make him realized that he was just conflicted with everything around him.
As much for giving you a woman’s input I also would like to thank you for giving me a man’s input and even sharing your own experience.
My ex is the same way he is stubborn to a fault and once decided he stands by it. Also selfish for walking away on us. So i hope it works for both of us. For now all we can do is to focus more on ourself maybe we should also be selfish.
I completely understand how you feel because my ex was the same thing. One day she told me she loved me then literally the next day she ended it with me saying she doesn’t love me anymore and gave me every single cliche when the day before she was so loving towards me. Didn’t make sense at all and it really messed with me mentally. I can imagine how hard that was for you to have seen him there and you did a good job in not approaching him, it takes a lot of strength to do that and i respect you for being able to do that. I was unable to do that and was put in an awkward position by myself, but I’ve learned from that mistake and won’t be making it again. In a party setting I am pretty sure that someone told him you were also at the party, now I’m not sure if you were sad at the party or anything but I’m hoping you were with your friends at that party having a good time because most articles and videos I’ve watched on YouTube says that it would build attraction showing your ex that you could live a happy life without them. Even if you are feeling sad they say fake it until you make it. If you were having a good time then some mutual friends or his friends may have reported back to him saying something like “hey I saw (your name) and she looked like she was having fun at the party and she doesn’t seem upset anymore”, something like that.
I’m hoping that what I’m doing is starting to have an effect on her though. Sometimes I doubt what the process is doing and almost give in and break NC knowing that is also the wrong move.
They are rather selfish and stubborn because everything could’ve been worked out with proper communication I’m sure. The day my ex broke up with me she said we would “talk” about it but there wasn’t really much talking about it, it was just her saying she wants to break up because (every cliche in the book), me trying to use logic and facts over how we felt literally the day before (which neither works when it comes to human emotions) and she just ended it. I felt like i never had a fighting chance to begin with. Some other tactics I read online would be the jealousy move but then again I’m not sure if I want to go that route(even though it worked on me on the ex I had gotten back). As selfish as we want to be the problem is we’ve given them so much already that (atleast for me) I’m not sure it’s in me to be selfish because I feel if you love someone wouldn’t want to usually give up certain things just to be with them? To even keep them happy? The fact that we both are dealing with depressed people (atleast for me) makes me feel a little guilty for being selfish as well. I hope that it won’t have to come down to that for the both of us and our hard headed ex’s will realize what they felt might Not have been the right call.
If you’re curious with where I get a lot of my information (specifically on YouTube) then there are a couple of coaches there that i recommend watching and listening to when you’re feeling hopeless. 1) Coach Lee (I find his content to be more reasonable because actually thinks you should reach out when you feel you have nothing else to lose), 2) coach craig Kenneth (his content is useful as well only problem with him for me is that he says no contact at all unless they contact you first), 3) the love chat (he bases his ideas on Craig Kenneth’s so almost the same general concept). I listen to these guys videos on YouTube whenever I’m feeling hopeless so maybe they could also give you a helpful insight as well. These 3, I feel, are more reliable as far as the YouTube channel goes because they go into more detail over the other people on YouTube they may tell you to buy their product (I bought coach Lees) but to be honest the video content on YouTube is way better than what they are trying to sell you.
Are we in the same situation. Hahahaha Everything you have said strikes home. My ex also said we need to talk but he’s already set his mind on breaking up and telling me evey cliche breakup excuses without the real reason being uttered. I tried to reason with logic but as you guess it never goes through them. That’s right if only they are willing to communicate with us it would have not lead to breakup but that is hard and they want the easy way out so they choose to be selfish. It messed me up really how someone can turn to someone so selfish.
Well his friends complimented me saying I look so good well not that I am a vain person but I always choose to look presentable I smiled and conversed with them and thanked them for the compliment then proceeded my merry way. Later on I saw him but never approached him.
I know NC is hard but I am almost on 3 weeks now if I can do it then you can also do it. They may be depressed but it doesnt give them the license to hurt others especially those that genuinely cares for them.
I think you are right he’s trying to get my attention on social media he post all these nonsense things and even a tweet or two about his feelings I remember he disapproved of posting too much on social media saying it is not an outlet for our thoughts but look at him now it makes me cringe.
I already read so much and watch every youtube videos about this topic but talking with you is what I find most helpful there is nothing more comforting than someone who is in the same situation despite our difference in gender.
It is kind of funny that we are in the same situation regardless of gender haha of course the situation isn’t funny but still it’s nice to get another persons opinion on it that has maybe a different way of approaching things as well. If they did give us a real reason it would be easier for us to work on the problem. I hate the cliches because we all grown ups we can take the truth, but i feel like for her she didn’t give me the real reason because i have a feeling her family influenced it heavily and she doesn’t want to make them look bad. It’s sad to say but people are selfish by nature and what’s worse is instead of dealing with the situation head on everyone always finds an easier way out. That’s great that you were able to communicate with his friends for all you know his friend might have been his “spy” but he will definitely report back to your ex.
NC is very hard because you’re literally putting off dealing with that person until later when all you can think about is how to get them back after working on yourself of course. I did see her today and smiled at her but i got no reaction out of it, she is viewing my social media again (not that it might mean anything).
That’s great though isn’t it? He’s seeking attention perhaps yours. I think he will start trying to reach out to you eventually. I feel like he’s really trying to get a reaction out of you since he knows you two don’t do that and all of a sudden he’s doing it, he probably wants you to text him out of anger or something but let him continue doing that because that is a big sign that it is working in my opinion. Just remain in NC for now and he will eventually have to go to you.
I feel the exact same way mainly because I can’t ask the coaches questions without having to pay them but getting your opinion on the matter does help me out as well and gives me more hope that I am doing the right thing even if she is acting like she doesn’t care. Fortunately for you I have been on both sides as the dumper and now the dumped so yea. Besides as a guy who was in NC from the dumpers perspective i can tell you that it works.
I have gone out with my friends today and my friend who is a social media addict did post pictures I was hoping he will see it too. I think her checking your post is something good social media nowadays is so powerful and I am afraid I am not using it to its full extent but I let my friend do my dirty work post pictures of our hangouts.
I think you should continue smiling and greeting her even though she is avoiding you it shows something about your character that you are mature enough in the situation.
His friends I don’t have an issue with they still treat me as a part of their group and we still converse from time to time. I hope you are right that he will contact me soon enough I just wish that he now view our relationship as something worth communicating for.
Yes most of the time they will only answer once then redirect you to their product. One coach did advice me to go NC then after that nada no replies anymore.
That’s good to hear. It’s more effective if your friends are posting and tagging you rather than you posting yourself because (i think i read this somewhere) when he sees it he will know 1) you’re out living life 2) because you’re friend is the one tagging you in them he won’t feel like you’re trying to get his attention so it creates that psychological effect on him where he will start to think that you are happier without him, which is a good thing because it puts him in that position where he will feel that he may have made a mistake. It’s fine that you don’t use social media to it’s full potential, just use it like how you have been using it because if you over do it on social media it will look out of character (like what your ex is doing) and it will look like a desperate attempt to catch his attention. I do get that viewing my social media stories might show she is still wondering about me but for all i know she might’ve viewed it by accident (even though they have the skip function for it now).
You’re right, it does show maturity and I was also thinking that if i keep doing that it would make me more approachable to her if she does want to discuss anything (killing her with kindness right?).
May I ask how close you are with his friends? Because the ex I had gotten back is really close to all my best friends and if they are that close to you as well, your chances may go up. Based on my personal experience if your ex knows you’ve been talking to his best friends or hanging out with them occasionally, chances are that he will start asking them questions about you (of course he will try to act cool about questioning about you at first, but then he will constantly ask about you. That’s what i ended up doing atleast). If you are still considered in his circle and cool with his friends that helps out a whole lot because I like it when my friends like my girlfriend and want to be her friend too that means they know that she’s good for me and if something is wrong then my friends would be honest and tell me whether i messed up or the girl is no good for me. Being good with his circle is great because a lot of things can be beneficial from that 1) they may tell you (even without you asking) how your ex had been doing and thinking about you (depending on how close you are to them) 2) if they were close to you as well and can be trusted not to say anything his friends could even be used to be your spies 3) if you hang out with his friends and he’s not there imagine the psychological effect it will have on him (he will think well wait they are supposed to be my friends why are they hanging out with her and not me? I would’ve liked to have gone) 4) his friends (if they are good friends) knows what is good for him and will want that for him as well (of course they can’t force him to get back with you) but sometimes they may suggest to him that maybe he should get back together with you (they will, by themselves without you even asking, do the hard work for you). Those are great benefits of being friends with his friends. Unfortunately for me I’ve never met any of her friends because she is an introvert and has few friends for me to even talk to (her best friend lives in another state and is very supportive of my ex’s decisions).
I did notice that too with a lot of coaches. Like wow thanks i totally did not know I’m supposed to go into NC even though all your videos state that’s where i should start.
His friends was devasted with his decision to breakup with me they even tried to sway him to give our relationship another chance but he kept bringing up old issues that we have already resolved saying that our relationship is unhealthy when in fact he is only trying to justify his decision. Some of his friends even sided with me and announced that he is being immature. Well two of his male friends is my blockmate ang we are always paired up as a group for projects and such they always asked how I am feeling. His hs friend (girl) did an extra mile and chastised him saying that he’s so lucky to have me in his life for I was there when he was hospitalized and all I did was support him through thick and thin. His other friends still greets me whenever they bump into me and make small talk. After our breakup I did inform them and tell them to take care of him and watch if his depression is going worse. So yeah I think we have a great relationship. I am just quite scared for I know it might take time to get back together and this is our last sem at uni I might lose some leverage for by the time we graduate all of us will quickly look for jobs.
Did you try to hide your story from her? Talking about the facebook ones even if you hide your story from her if she actively visits your profile and watch your story then you can caught her red handed. I know it seems petty but at this times even a glimmer of hope is better than nothing. I agree with you acting mature in the situation and you should continue what you are doing. It took me three weeks to even see hope I think you’re in week two right? Just give it some time. That’s unfair of her friend for she doesn’t know your side of the story I would never put anyone in our position.
Today I think I’ll go do something healthy maybe visit a gym or make my own salad I am not an emotional person but this breakup make me burst into tears when I least expect it although sometimes I feel good about myself it’s a rollercoaster but I continue to go out with my friends maybe I should do alone time and find a new hobby.
He’s probably just not in the right mind set right now. Could be a lot of things even a fear of committing it’s just going to take time. I wouldnt worry too much about after graduation. I’m sure even if you are all looking for jobs he will come around. Everyone else seems to be pulling for both of you so with that kind of support system he will eventually think more about you and about how big his mistake was, but it seems like your in a good position in getting him back.
No I did not try to hide my story from her because i feel like it’s there if she wants to see then she can and if not then it’s fine as well. Well She broke up with me a little over a month ago and I’m on my second attempt at NC the first one lasted for two weeks and she texted me happy birthday and so i tried to converse with her but nothing then the same week i saw her at work and initiated contact which was a bad move so right now I’m just now getting onto week two.
The gym is a perfect way to distract yourself but you should allow time in your day to just let it all out like disignate a time where you can sit there and be sad. I totally understand how you feel though because my day could be going well then all of a sudden i get depressed out of nowhere thinking about it. Sometimes i do feel like hope is gone as well and really start to question if it’s worth it or something like that. I ended up picking up an instrument again as a hobby and it’s a great way to distract myself. Just find something you really enjoy and try to indulge in it.
So yeah today was a backlog I didn’t have the energy to go to the gym and spend my day at my room sleeping what a waste. I also cried a bit. Tomorrow I’ll attend a christmas party so hopefully I won’t be a couch potato and enjoy the day.
My ex doesn’t have commitment issues for we have already planned our future that I am sure of and our last argument leading to the breakup is his spending habits I pleaded for him to change his excessive spending and that time he was also under the pressure of not being able to graduate which triggered his depression. So that lead to him asking for space then after a month of limited contact he is claiming he doesn’t love me anymore more cliche bs excuses blabla.
You know Christmas is coming don’t you think we should greet our exes happy holidays? I mean we are in NC for a decent amount of time you and me both. I was originally not planning to reach out to him first or if I ever did it will be after our graduation which is 3 months from now.
Well plus I think he is trying to flirt with a classmate of his (crushing on him) commenting heart emoji on their group photo and posing with her multiple times it makes me cringe for he said in the past that he will never be involved with this girl. Honestly he makes me cringe now with the way he is acting.
It’s ok to feel that way every now and then. It happens because of what we are going through. I haven’t been as motivated to anything much since the breakup but we can’t stay like this for long. It’s ok to spend time and let yourself feel this way because I’ve been doing the same just in a depressed mood really. Some days you’ll be wayyy up and other days you’ll be down again but you have to remember that everytime you feel a set back just feel it get up and try to move forward again. This is a healing process for us we need time to grieve the loss as well. I feel it’s because even though they left us we haven’t really accepted that it really happened yet so that’s why we are still holding on, but once we figure out how to accept it and let go eventually it may come around again (on their terms as unfair as that sounds). If we initiate it then we look weak and desperate in their eyes and we will push them back further.
That may be the case but me and my ex also have had that conversation as well but i feel like she wasn’t as committed as i was. We could talk to them about the future all day if we wanted to but in order to make that plan a reality they have to realize the type of work that goes into achieving those plans and that’s probably what rattled them (atleast my ex I’m not sure about yours, but these are all just assumptions because i cannot speak on her behalf). I understand his point of view as well as far as the spending and school goes because 1) lets be honest nobody likes being told what to do with their money (his logic is probably i worked hard for it so i want to use it how i want,atleast that’s my thought but for me i like to spend whatever on my S/O because i feel she deserves it) 2) obviously trying to graduate is a big deal (for me I’m still in nursing school at the moment but the fact that he is afraid of not being able to graduate may have made him feel he wasn’t good enough or something, that’s how i would feel in that situation because what girl wants to be with a guy that has a uncertain future? That fear is what probably helped to contribute to his depression as well, again not entirely sure because I’m not him but that’s how i would feel and sometimes do feel). I got those same cliches too so I’m with you on that but i know that’s the biggest BS excuse ever because you can obviously tell when someone loves you because when you’re with them you can tell, like you can even feel it.
So about texting them for the holidays, I want to say yes but then at the same time you have to think would they do the same for you? For example for the thanksgiving that just passed I did not message my ex happy thanksgiving but it’s not like she tried to do the same for me. Based on videos and everything that i have been watching, a lot of them say No as far as contacting them goes because our ex’s pretty much told us that they didn’t want us in their lives anymore (at the moment or whatever) so we owe them absolutely nothing. The thing is we’ve already given them everything we could’ve and even today they still have every bit of our love as much as they had when they were with us. On top of all that if they do miss us or something and the thought of us would make them upset would you want them to feel that way on Christmas? But who knows if we are lucky we might get a Christmas miracle (although it is wishful thinking). They should already know that we are still thinking about them, they should know how we feel about them because they are the ones that left us therefore should know where we stand. The problem with that is because they know that if they wanted to they could be like “hey baby I’m back” and we will be quick to jump at that chance but we need them to feel unsure about that because we should not be a second choice, we should not be a back burner because we deserve better than that. Right now they have all the power and in order to change that we just have to keep up what we’ve been doing as hard as that is. Besides in your situation you’ve been around him for 2 straight Christmas’s already he’s gonna feel the difference this year but you have to let him make the first move, if he even does, because for all we know our ex’s currently doesn’t know how to approach us or contact us even though it’s very simple. The fact that they know they hurt us will probably make them both very hesitant about contacting us. For us to think about messaging them on Christmas (I’m not going to lie to you I also want to text my ex) is just an excuse for us to break NC and we do not want to let our struggle this far go to waste.
My ex (the one I’m trying to get back) said i made her cringe too but i was doing the same thing I’ve been doing since i started dating her which is strange because i didn’t change how i acted towards her at all. I can tell you that he may be flirting with her because he’s trying to fill that void that was left him in when he left you (I’m ashamed to say i did the same thing). Just know that even if he dates her it’ll be a rebound relationship and that he will definitely be comparing you to her and guess what? Everytime that comparison comes up you will win out each and everytime. That and his friends will probably question what he is doing and will tell him that the new girl is not you. If they are his real friends they will tell him exactly how they feel about it all. The thing about guys is if he dates her he will see that the grass is not greener on the other side, and when he realizes that because he tried to date someone else he will come back to you a lot faster than him sitting around just thinking about your relationship with him. It’s a painful thought but if you try to accept it for what it is now it’ll hurt less. Like i said before after a 2 year relationship, connecting on an emotional level with you it will make a huge difference and every girl he meets along the way will not be enough until he comes back to you. If i found out my ex was doing that to another dude I’d be very upset as well but we cannot tell them anything about their choices. I can tell you that even though she may not be talking/flirting to anybody else I’ve been pretending or assuming she is and it does hurt just thinking about it but if you deal with that pain now you won’t be as hurt or shocked if it does happen.
Some other things that I’ve realized that is making me want to reach out to her again is because I’m still using logic behind all my thoughts but logic cannot apply to human emotions. You might even find yourself making excuses for your ex giving him the benefit of the doubt (i was doing that a lot) but when you realize that it’s just you trying to justify everything for them it will hurt your healing process sometimes i still find myself trying to figure it all out but eventually I’ll have to accept everything as is. Eventually time will reveal why everything went down the way it did and maybe the chance to reconcile will show up as well.
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