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Well a MAJOR kick in the guts. I dropped the kids off to her and she mentioned that she wants to try speed dating with a friend. I didn’t say that it bothered me but she could clearly tell that it did. I asked her if she wanted anything to come from it and she said that she didn’t know. She said that most of these ended in disaster anyway and that she was trying it because she was bored in winter and wanted to try something new and she usually made fun of things like this.
I’ve been looking online and I can’t find anything in her area for speed dating. So it makes me wonder how she found out and where and when it is.
That really hurt. I feel like all my effort has been for nothing. I have been planning on doing fun things with her and I just wish she would wait.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Maybe she’s trying to nudge you along to “step up your game” by making a comment that would make you feel jealous. And the fact that she said she is bored in the winter, is another subtle hint. I know it’s not the best technique, but she might be too insecure to outright ask you out or to discuss reconciliation.
You’ve been separated 9 months, but it’s only fairly recently that you’ve been cordial and more open with her. What I’m trying to say is that she’s had many months to think back and reflect on your positive attributes and the more pleasant memories in the past when you were together. And since you’ve been more positive and engaging, she’s starting to wonder what it would be like to reunite.
I understand feeling hurt, but please don’t think your good efforts have been for nothing. No matter what happens, don’t go back to being angry and distant!
Ask her if she would consider going out with you on a fun date sometime soon. I’m not sure if you should make a joke about speed dating mostly ends in disaster like she said.. I think you should do this sometime soon, but don’t know if would be better in person or over the phone.
Also, don’t forget about suggesting marriage counseling sometime soon too which would let her know you’re very serious about reconciliation and are willing to make any changes necessary in order to have a happier marriage in the future.
Good luck:)
I don’t know what to think. I know what I don’t want to go back to the way things were and undo all the work I have put in.
I feel like asking her out now will make her think that I am responding to this and not because I want to see her.
I don’t think I should mention the speed dating at all. My sister thinks that I should just play it cool and see if she brings it up.
I just learned that when I was dating women that she didn’t like it. I just don’t get why she didn’t tell me any of this. Apparently she thinks she tried to talk to me but she never did. It seems like she was happy for me to walk away and not even trying to fix things between us. If she had a problem with it then she still had feelings for me. If she told me I would have listened.
I think I need to remind you that open honest communication is of the upmost importance. So when you ask her out, tell her you had been thinking about it before she told you about the speed dating (that’s the honest truth). Playing it cool is a passive way to approach the situation, but I have a feeling (maybe I’m wrong) that you were many times closed off with your feelings during your marriage, even prior to the separation. You would be taking a risk asking her out by being more assertive and she might turn you down, but that still doesn’t mean she doesn’t want reconciliation in the future. Also consider that if she does start the speed dating, she might be drawn to another man.
The fact she didn’t like you dating other women is more proof that she still has feelings for you. Those feelings don’t disappear over a few months. If it seems she was happy for you to walk away, doesn’t make it true, but just your impression. I think she might’ve acted like it didn’t bother her because she’s the one who asked for the separation, so she would have felt she had no right to ask you to stop dating.
I know this is a tough situation, but at some point you’re going to have to tell her how you feel and what you want for her and your family.
I hear you. Honestly I don’t know when I should ask her out. I can suggest it in a few days time to do something but is it too early?
She saw how distressed I was and yet she hasn’t called to see how I am
Nobody knows if it’s too early to ask her out, but you won’t know unless you ask. If she refuses, you can say, “Okay, maybe another time?”
I tried to ask her to minigolf. She then said that my persistence was off putting. So I called her later. I asked her what she thought of me asking her and she thought that I had an agenda. The conversation then turned into us talking about us and where we stand. She thinks that we won’t be able to connect but she hasn’t given us a chance to. She agrees that we have both changed so I can’t see why she thinks we are not compatible. She felt suffocated in our relationship, that we didn’t connect but she is going to face the same situation with anyone so why can’t it be me? What is it about me that she doesn’t think is right?
So I’m assuming she turned you down for a miniature golf date.
“She then said that my persistence was off putting.” What persistence.. Wasn’t that the first time you asked her out?
“I asked her what she thought of me asking her and she thought that I had an agenda.” Of course you have an agenda and she very well knows what it is as described in your letter. You want to get back together as a family and work on improving your relationship with her.
“She thinks that we won’t be able to connect..” The strange thing is that you’ve recently been reconnecting! “I can’t see why she thinks we are not compatible.” Not compatible in what way?? Did she give you any examples??
These next 2 things are confusing and maybe contradictory:”She felt suffocated in our relationship..” This sounds like you might have been controlling?
And yet ~ “She also said that I didn’t challenge her.” This sounds like you were passive and didn’t say much??Sorry, I’m very confused.. Maybe more detail would help..
I tried to reschedule for a later date and that was what was off putting.
She is being very cautious she said and she doesn’t want too much pressure put on her. She is enjoying her freedom she said.
I think she means that we are not connecting on an emotional level. I try but I don’t know what to say.
Yes I was quite passive and didn’t say much. She felt suffocated under her own rules.
I don’t know. I feel very lost.
“She felt suffocated under her own rules.” What does that mean?
During your marriage: Did you express your feelings about different situations? Such as a rough day at work and how it made you feel? Did she do the same?
Were you loving outside the bedroom? Such as touching, hugging, kissing, sitting close to each other, were you generous with compliments, did you often tell her you love her etc?
Did you pay close attention to the things she liked and enjoyed? Did you join in with those things? Share common interests?
Did she or you say or do hurtful things and apologize for them soon after? How was anger displayed? Were conflicts resolved quickly or did resentments build? Did either of you ask forgiveness and prove it by not mentioning the same situation over and over?
Did you sometimes ask for her opinion or advice? Did she do the same?
Did you often spend quality time (dates etc..) with her without the kids?
My father was passive. He would come home from work, go straight to his favorite chair and start reading the newspaper. My mother would start to tell him about her day, but he rarely looked up from the paper. She stopped sharing her feelings and of course he didn’t share his. They emotionally disconnected. It was very sad.
Okay, so she’s being cautious and enjoying her freedom. I wonder how much longer that can go on like this before she decides what she wants. Did you ever find out the root cause of her depression? Did you ever ask her if she would consider reconciliation down the road if you attend marriage counseling together?
Yipes, this is complicated and maybe the only hope would be with a therapist at some point.
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