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Long, long story time…
So I’m 37, had been with husband who is 15 years older than me for nearly 16 years, married for nearly 12, no kids. I’ve been friends with a guy a couple of years younger than me for a couple of years, he’d been in a long term relationship with a woman 15 years older than him for about 12 years, they have absolutely nothing in common but it was a convenience thing to start with, he needed somewhere to stay and rented a room from her, then they ended up together. No kids, and never getting married.
We met whilst out locally playing a game. I’ve been through a lot medically in the last four years, physically & mentally, been diagnosed with some chronic illnesses and have suffered with mental health issues for the last 20 years. Before Xmas last year guy friend was going through a rough patch and he opened up about feeling depressed – that a mutual friend of ours was getting to him (they used to spend a lot of time together through the same game), and he wasn’t really happy in his relationship – and we both became a support for each other.
Just after Xmas he lost his job, I haven’t been working for nearly 2 years due to my issues, and through the game we ended up talking and seeing each other nearly every day, sometimes being out together for a good 8-10 hours a day, mostly with others, but sometimes we just went out and did our own thing. Myself and some of our group of friends helped him through his rough patch, got him some medical help and also helped him to slowly move away from the toxicity and emotional manipulation he was suffering at the hands of this mutual friend of ours – who by this point was no longer my friend due to how she was treating both him, and also myself and my husband – she was incredibly jealous of me having a friendship with this guy and the fact that he wasn’t dropping everything for her like he used to.
Stronger feelings between us started to develop probably around the middle of Feb. We’d always hug to greet each other, but then gradually it was evident that there was something more there, we’d be sat in pubs with groups of friends cuddled up on a sofa together, spending hours late at night just sat in my car talking, sometimes walking out and about arm in arm, but I think we were both trying to ignore it because of our respective partners, and we just didn’t know what to do. Got to my birthday beginning of March and the toxic friend deliberately turned up and ruined both my actual birthday, and my night out with friends due to emotional manipulation of this guy again.
End of March, small group of us out late at night, had a few drinks, friends were up ahead and as we’re walking arm in arm down this little gravel track past the river he stops, turns me towards him holding my in his arms and outta nowhere kisses me. I just melted. He immediately apologised and felt guilty, but it was definitely the kick we both needed to work out exactly how we felt, and we kissed a few more times that night.
Agonised for a week or so what to do, he said he couldn’t leave his partner, I didn’t know if I could, but when the same thing happened the following weekend we knew we wanted to be together. We also knew the carnage that it would cause, but we both agreed that the short term chaos was going to be worth it.
I moved out for a week, went back and told my husband I wanted to separate, 48 hours later guy had the same convo with his partner. I could still stay in my house short term until I got sorted, to no surprise guy got kicked out, had a frantic day trying to find him somewhere to stay, eventually managed to get his sister to put him up, but it did mean we were then under pressure to find somewhere for us both to live longer term.
For the next couple of weeks, despite the stress, there was no stopping us. None of our mutual friends were surprised when we told them, they thought we were perfect together, and we were both the happiest we’d been in so long. Common interests, the connection, just everything about us felt so right. We’d started planning stuff to do later in the year, events to go to, and were both really looking forward to getting our own place.
We’d started looking at places to live, then I ended up getting poorly and being hospitalised for a week, resulting in major surgery. The hospital was 30 miles away and he doesn’t drive, he works nights as well but had just finished his last shift of the run he was on before having his time off, so he spent every day off coming to visit me.
Obviously this was an added stress neither of us needed. I was upset and feeling low and bored, and being pumped full of drugs. He was overtired with all the travelling back and forward, and also in the midst of moving into somewhere else temporarily as his sister couldn’t put him up longer term. We’d still been texting lots as well as the visits, and I realise now I was putting him under a lot of pressure asking where he was, when he was coming to visit, etc.
I got out on Sunday morning. He was due back at work that night, so slept through the day. When he woke and I asked if he was going to pop round before heading to work he said no. I was arranging for him to get a lift in so he could, but he just kept saying he’d overslept and didn’t have time. He was very apologetic, promised to come see me the following day, but I was upset that he hadn’t even asked how I was, let alone popped in for 5 minutes, still pumped full of drugs and kept pushing and getting at him, to the point I told him he needed to think about what he really wanted.
Following day, he comes round and tells me he doesn’t think it’s going to work. I’m devastated. Didn’t even want to discuss it, was like he’d just switched off. Over the next couple of days I try to persuade him to come talk about it, but he’s not interested. Got him to bring back the stuff I’d lent him for when he moved – the stuff we were going to take to our new place. First time in 37 years I’ve ever had my heart broken.
Mental illness took over, I sent him a picture of a bottle of alcohol, my meds and my car keys, and told him I wasn’t coming back. It resulted in a massive police hunt for me after my husband contacted them, and then turning up at this guy’s work to get him to talk to me and find out where I was. I ended up back in hospital, and self discharged 12 hours later as they weren’t giving me any mental support.
I was in a state. Unsurprisingly, I found myself blocked from any way of contacting him. He had people on the lookout to call him if they saw me or knew I was going to be about so he could get out of the way, and if I was out and he saw me he’d go out of his way to avoid me. Meanwhile the toxic ex friend takes advantage of his mental state and gets her manipulative claws well and truly back in now I was out of the picture.
Three weeks later I drive past him on his own, stop to say hi, and ask if we can chat. We arranged to meet the following day. Spent an hour talking, was a little awkward but OK, but knew he felt like I was getting at him towards the end. We agreed to at least be friends for the sake of our mutual friends, and he said he’d unblock me. Which he didn’t.
I then moved into my own flat. Bumped into him again twice in two days a week or so later, out with one of our friends. He asked if I wanted to go for lunch with them, and hang out for a few hours, and similarly the following day we spent a good chunk of the day together, the three of us. At the end he gave me the biggest hug ever, and unblocked me.
Then again everything goes quiet. He still tries to avoid anywhere he knows I’ll be. I ping a couple of messages over just to say it was good to make some progress. No responses or even acknowledgement of them being read. Spoke to him on the phone once after something awful happened that I witnessed, but other than that there was no effort from him.
We ended up in the same pub about four weeks ago. The toxic ex friend turns up ten minutes later. He’s in a foul mood, wouldn’t even let me buy him a drink, despite us both going to the bar and me offering, but he immediately buys his own afterwards. Ends up taking his shit out on me. I subsequently find out the foul mood was because of her manipulation yet again, for some reason despite everything from before he’s allowed her back in.
This time I go radio silent. Not that he would have known. I deliberately stay out of the way, don’t message, and finally start to get my shit together. Seems that during this time his ex has had conversations with him. They’d met up a couple of times for food, on her birthday, and the anniversary of her dads death. Also found that there had been talk about him maybe going back to her. There were going to be rules, he wasn’t allowed out late, not allowed to speak to me – the trust has gone and there was no way it would work out, or that he would stick to any of the rules.
Also her cat got poorly over the weekend, is having lots of vet visits and because he’s got time booked off work this week he’s over at her house keeping an eye on the cat while she’s at work. Bit unnerving for me, but I understand, the cat meant a lot to him too and he did miss her, especially when he wasn’t allowed to see her.
Large group of us out on a Sunday playing the game. We both knew the other would be there, conveniently toxic woman was out of the country. Few of our mutual friends were nervous about how we’d be with each other, but everything was fine, almost normal. He acknowledged me, I spoke to him, we chatted in group conversations and one to one. The following day he bumps into me, asks me to walk with him, I suggest stopping for a quick drink before he had to shoot off, and again, although it felt slightly weird everything was good. He said it was nice to see me, I ask if we’re OK, he says yes, I ask for a hug, and say I’m glad things are OK between us now.
Last night, again knew we’d both be out, I meet up with a friend for a drink and he comes to meet us. This mutual friend of ours has been an absolute rock for me over the last couple of months, and pretty directly stopped the convo at one point, looked at both of us and said “right, are you two all good now or do I need to bang your heads together?”! We agree everything is fine, we’re out as a group for a good couple of hours, and again says it’s nice to see me and comes to give me a hug when he leaves.
I messaged him last night, just to say I hope the cat is better soon, know how much he cares about her, and it was good to see him. I actually got a response. Also then sent him a pic of something that was a reminder of a little in joke of ours, which he responded to positively as well.
I know I fucked up, but I’m also aware that he’s admitted that he knows he fucked up too, and that he feels guilty about what’s happened with us splitting, and how he’s treated me since we split. Also know that he’s felt that if there’d have been a bit of a break between us leaving our partners and us properly getting together, that we’d be together and in a much better place now. Unfortunately circumstances massively conspired against us and our hands were forced to an extent.
Kinda feeling we’ve both made some progress with ourselves, and the last few days have finally been a lot more positive. I’m now settled into my flat, his temporary accommodation situation is workable. I still want to be with him, want the chance that we never really got for us to work properly, now that we don’t have all that stress and pressure around us. We were both so happy, and had so much to look forward too. I have a feeling, both within myself and from mutual friends, that he wants it too, but because of the guilt has no idea how to even begin to deal with it, without us dragging up everything that happened before.
I’m slightly nervous about toxic woman being back at the weekend and everything reverting back because of my relationship with her. I’m even prepared to talk to her, as uncomfortable as that would make me, to try to get things civil with her.
Also hesitant about the situation with his ex, but the way he’s acting and what he’s doing – all things that she wouldn’t tolerate with them being back together – isn’t indicating anything about them getting back together.So, this is where we’re at! Have casually suggested he comes into town at the weekend to meet with a group of friends, he wants to, but hasn’t committed. He couldn’t buy a round of drinks last night because of not getting paid until today, said he’d owe me one and told him I’d hold him to it! Also asked him last night what he’s up to today, said on shifts on cat duty atm, which I understand.
I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much, as I’ve had them smashed back down a few times already. I really want us to get some one to one time, away from all the other influences, and preferably before the toxic one gets back, to just spend some time together, have a relaxed few hours to just chill and see what happens, but also don’t want to put any pressure on and undo what seems to have finally been some real progress.
Am I setting myself up for another fall? Any thoughts or advice as to how to handle this now would be very much appreciated! Sorry for the really long ramble, but so much happened in such a short space of time, it needed it for it all to make any sense!
You two got off to a bad start by being unfaithful to your partners. To me it sounds like you drink too much and as you know, drinking causes loss of self control as people say and do things they wouldn’t if they were sober.
If you take medications for your mental problems, it doesn’t seem to be working and maybe you need a different prescription or a dosage change to help you become more stable mentally and emotionally. If you think you need more one-on-one therapy with a psychiatrist, you could also try that..
To me it sounds like neither of you are ready for a happy stable relationship and maybe your friend understands that too..
If you don’t want to be with your husband, think about getting a divorce.
So for starters, stop drinking, get psychological help and don’t overwhelm your friend with messages and calls. He probably needs some space to decide if he wants to continue with you or not..
Good luck.
You wrote:”Mental illness took over, I sent him a picture of a bottle of alcohol, my meds and my car keys, and told him I wasn’t coming back. It resulted in a massive police hunt for me after my husband contacted them, and then turning up at this guy’s work to get him to talk to me and find out where I was.”
All of this and showing up at the guys work unannounced is a clear indication that you need psychiatric help. I truly hope and pray you see this isn’t normal and that you get the help you need..
Wow. How very blunt. I was expecting honesty, but not assumptions.
We fought with our feelings, and did the right thing by our respective ex-partners as soon as we worked out that being together was what we wanted.
There is no indication in my post of how much I drink, or he, so please don’t make assumptions.
Both of our mental states were actually the best they had been for a good six months or so – until he pulled the plug on our relationship.
I have actually sought help since all this happened, and I am again in a much better place, hence me now looking to address and improve the situation. I believe he is too, having seen this for myself this week.
We were both committed to what we wanted. Going through everything we did to not end up together was not on either of our minds. For the most part, circumstance conspired against us, bad timing even, but we are now both in much more stable situations as I explained.
I accept I made mistakes, and have said this to him. He has also admitted he made mistakes, but not to me, just to our mutual friend. This friend is aware of how good we were, how good we still could be, was stunned when we split up, and he has been helping BOTH of us through what has been an incredibly tough three months.
I will not be going back to my husband. He accepts that, and we are very amicable.
As I said, in the last week my ex and I have finally made progress after nearly 3 months apart, and a month NC. No coincidence this the toxic woman isn’t around. Thankfully she isn’t for another couple of weeks. After the couple of texts Wed night, we had another text conversation on Thursday, mostly about the cat, but he actually mentioned meeting him for a drink on Thursday night. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to make it. There has been no bombardment from either side, and certainly not from me for nearly three months.
Also, the turning up unannounced at his work was the POLICE, not me, apologies if that wasn’t clear. They got him to call me and forced him to get me to tell him where I was so that they could find me.
As I asked, I was looking more for advice how to proceed with him after NC than a character assassination of what has already passed. I felt that giving as much background to what happened was only appropriate, but also explained that we now seem to have turned a corner and I’m very conscious of not fucking up again.
What I meant by being “unfaithful” is that you two spent a lot of time together. Sometimes with a group, but other times alone. Married women don’t normally spend so much alone time with another man.
I was lead to believe you drink too much because you mentioned bars and drinking so often in your post.
Okay, it was the police that went to his workplace, but you apparently had been hiding out and you have to admit that’s not the best way to handle any situation!
What does the “toxic friend” say or do to adversely affect you or your guy friend? And if the woman is so toxic, why not cut her out of your life?
So now more recently you’ve been on friendlier terms with this guy. I would suggest you continue to be kind, respectful, and supportive towards him. Don’t become clingy and needy and don’t run away again. If he’s willing, go out and have fun together. Men enjoy the company of and are attracted to women who are cheerful and easy to get along with. Women who don’t create a lot of drama..
Good luck and keep us posted, okay?
Well here’s a blast from the past being resurrected!
This post was me, just over three years ago. Things got worse a couple of weeks after I posted my original thread, another argument when the toxic friend got involved again, and that was it. No contact either way from early August 2019… we both just got on with our own lives.
Fast forward to April 2022, and an unexpected meeting between mutual friends which lead us to see and speak to each other for the first time in nearly three years. By the end of the day, when we left each other, he hugged me and told me he missed me. Within 24 hours, all the old emotions and feelings for each other came back for both of us.
We talked, a lot, over the following days and weeks. He apologised a lot for the way he handled everything before, for us splitting, for him leaving. The toxic friend was no longer a friend, and hadn’t been for nearly a year. I apologised for my parts in it all too. We both wanted to give us a proper chance. So we did.
We’ve now been back together for around 6 months, and he moved in with me a few weeks ago. We’re both the happiest we’ve ever been.
I’d sometimes dreamt over the last few years about us getting back together, never in a million years did I think it would actually happen though.
All I will say to anyone is don’t ever give up hope. I honestly thought we were dead in the water, despite wanting nothing more than for us to be together. Time truly is a great healer, yes it’s taken a couple of years, but it’s been worth the wait.
@saintmich82 Wow! What a great story and I’m glad for your happy ending:) Remember to always be kind to each other and respectful too. Think before you speak and don’t ever say anything you might later regret.. Good luck and best wishes:)
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