My (happy ending?) story

[Roger]

Hi, dear friends,

after a long time I decided to come back to these boards and share my story with you. I am a Brazilian guy and hence a non-native speaker of English, so please forgive me for any grammatical or spelling mistakes. I will try to keep this as short as possible so that you do not get tired, but if you’ve got any questions, please feel free to ask!

If you search for it by entering my name you will find my few posts very easily, but anyways I will sum it up here once again.

My gf broke up with my in 2016, more exactly in August. She was allegedly in an abusive relationship. I never assaulted her physically, but I was really mean when talking to her sometimes. I called her stupid many times and ignored her a lot. This was the way I found to avoid arguing all the time, since she complained a lot. I’ve always thought that she was a daddy girl. She was always complaining at me about myself and anyone. I am rather a practical man who did not tolerated complaints, but at the same time my reactions were somehow overwhelmingly disproportional. She ended up meeting a new friend (a female one) who was very impressing for her. And this friend of her helped her “escaping” from me. At the very beginning she left our house and after three weeks I started missing her. I tried to talk to her, but she avoided me at all costs.

I simply freaked out and made all the typical mistakes you can imagine like begging, pleading and humiliating myself. Of course nothing worked and it made everything worse. When I look back at those days I still feel miserable, but I was really hurt and desperate. I must take this opportunity to say thanks to the friends I made at that time, namely J. (female), J., M. and A. (male), who started a mutual(self-)help group on KiK, which helped me a lot, since I had nobody I could speak with. I wrote only their initials so as to preserve their identity. Thanks, guys!

The testimonials and replies that I read here also helped me a lot. But one thing I need to tell you all is that you do not really need to follow and fixed strict rules. Sometimes our hearts speak louder and we have to follow what it is trying to tell us.

After freaking out I went NC and waited for 29 days and then I sent her a handwritten letter by email. She did not reply. After some weeks I got her new phone number and ended up contacting her again. You must have noticed that I did not really follow the good “rules”. The result was that I contacted her intermittently for 8 months. When I got her new phone number and contacted her, she was not as cold as she was at the very beginning, but it took her sometimes more than a week to reply to a simple message. In the meantime I freaked out once again and ended up telling her that I hated her and would never talk to her again. She blocked me once again, of course. This was in the eighth month. My heart was broken in a million small pieces.

The most difficult part for me was that she left me a short time after my father died, less than 3 months later just to be more precise. And I had spent all the money I had saved for three years so as to build our house, i.e., I had no money at all, only huge debts, since I spent more than I had. She did not spend her money, bc I encouraged her to save money and be as independent as possible. And she kind of made use of it against me. Of course she had her reasons to dump me, I can understand that, then she left me and never looked back.

During the 8 first months I was so confused that I tried to move on, then I contacted her, then thought of comitting suicide, all the things you can or cannot imagine. The most ironic thing is that all started to get better for me when she blocked me again and I decided not to contact her again anymore. As a matter of fact I regretted having told her all those bad things, but I did not intended to apologize once again. I wanted to let it go. I was relieved. I could not stand that anymore. I had lost weight and instead of quitting smoking, which was something I promised to myself, I became a heavy smoker, I was killing myself.

Everything started changing a bit later when I met a girl from Italy. She was a wonderful and lovely girl who treated me very well. I am grateful for having met her at that time, since she also helped me to restart. No, I had nothing with her but a friendship. She had her fiance in Italy. I admit that I developed some feelings for her, but fortunately I was able to keep them in the right place. My finantial health was also getting better and instead of crying and feeling miserable I started investing in myself.

Two months later my ex contacted me with a “hey, how are you doing?” message by email. Of course I had feelings and ended up replying to her email. I won’t get into the details, but one month later I agreed on meeting her. She had lost her job. She didn’t tell me, but I know that she met other guys and got disapointed at the end. Maybe she just realised that despite my flaws, I wasn’t as bad as she thought.

Another month later I travelled to Germany and when I returned, she got back with me. Was it too fast? I would say yes. It is been three months since she moved in and is living with me again. I haven’t got back with her, she has got back with me. It’s been a roller coaster and there is a reason why it is like that. I was not really over her, but I wasn’t as dependent on her as I had been for so may months.

The lesson I learned from all of this and that I want you to understand is that:

1) I broke many rules, including the ones I read here. Sometimes you have to follow your heart
2) Think about what you did wrong. Do not blame yourself for doing what you did, even if it was wrong. Do understand that it was wrong and regret them, feel sorry, but this happens.

We have been together for more than one year now, and if you ask me whether this was a happy end, I say that I don’t know. Maybe I got back with her too early. She did not have the chance to change. I can tell you guys that I have changed and am a better version of myself. She seemed to have changed as well, but I don’t think she has, which is why I don’t know if this was the right decision.

Some of you must think “this guy is crazy, he is a lucky guy who mananged to get his ex back and is now complaining”. Well, maybe yes, maybe not. Sometimes we become obsessed and do not see things clearly. What don’t really know what to do, since she definitely is not an easy-going person. I am sure that I will not make the same mistakes, but I can make others. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes not, whatever.

I just felt like I had to share this with you. I was part of these boards almost two years ago, my story had a start here, but not an end. It is not and end exactly, but it is a part of it that will lead me somewhere. Whatever. I’d like to write more, but my I am tired and my eyes hurt, but finally I came back here and told you guys something after a long period of silence. I would be glad to read any comments and asks for help. I am also glad that these boards exist.

Best,
Rogerio

[Jimmy837]

Hello and thank you for sharing.

I agree one of the hardest things is to decide whether your ex is worth it. We make them out to be perfect but they have flaws as we do too. In the first stages of a break up you can only see the good. I also came out of our relationship with less money which hurts but there’s more important things.

I know my ex-gf has good and bad parts. I’m hoping to win her back as her bad bits aren’t always her fault, she suffers depression. I have to decide if I’d rather be with someone without this illness and maybe there’s someone out there who could make me just as happy… I just don’t know. I do know that my ex-gf gave me some of the happiest times in my life. While there were hard bits too they didn’t compare to the good.

Anyway, I feel your pain and I hope you can come to a decision in your own mind that you can live with and makes you happy.

[hereware]

Rogerio,

Welcome Back brotha! Thank you for sharing your story and providing all the details.
I am very happy you are in a better place now. Hopefully you have quite smoking by now haha.
Can you talk more about the good and bad that has been happening now that you have been back together with your gf?
And do you feel like you are in a happier place now?

Thank you in advance,
A Friend in Need

[Author]

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