My BreakUp Story and the start of my NC

[S.H]

So small update, yesterday was my birthday and my ex messages me to wish me happy birthday and hope that I have a great day with family and friends…I know im in NC but since I already messaged her a few days back telling her i miss her and still care about the relationship..I though it will be rude and weird? to not at least reply her thank you for the wishes. ( if I said i miss and still care about us..why wouldnt i reply thank you to something nice she did? right?)

So I replied her. I keep my message short. Telling her thank you for the birthday wish and I am enjoying my family trip.

What should i do now? Ignore her is she text me back?

[patricia12]

It was the right thing to reply to her with a thank you. If she texts back, reply with a nice, but brief text and let her know you don’t want any further contact for at least 30 days because you’re working on self improvements for your anger and clinging tendencies. Then begin day 1

Have you been reading online about those tendencies? If you can’t get professional help or attend a group therapy, I strongly suggest you read a lot about those issues. It will help you understand why you do those things and ways to improve.

Glad you’re enjoying your family trip and happy belated birthday:)

[S.H]

Hi patricia12, thanks for the birthday wish 🙂

yea so we chatted for a bit..not really personal (after i said thank you for the bday wish and she said from the fb photos that my family member posted it look like we all had fun..) she started talking about stuff about our apartment/utilities(we used to live together but now her parents found a cheaper place for her, so we wont be living i=together anymore. (this was decided before the breakup…and i just hope it wasnt some sort of sign). So after we talk about that topic, i end the conversation…

She was being quite cold after the bday part of the conversation. I mean its not like i expect her to be like when were still dating…but its scary and heartbreaking for me because i feel like i may have lose her already….maybe because its not 30days yet

and yea i have been reading about anger management and how to have confident and not being needy and clingy that makes the girl lose attraction etc.

[patricia12]

If her parents knew you weren’t treating her nicely, maybe they got her a cheaper apartment so she could get away from you. Sorry to say that, it might not be true, but they don’t want their daughter around an angry guy and she herself wouldn’t want to be with a person who has a bad temperament. Are you living with your parents now? Glad to hear you’re looking up things about anger management and wish you could possibly take a class or get into a group or something too. Needy and clingy isn’t good either as both have to want to be together, but also have other interests, friends and maybe hobbies that they can share with other people if the partner isn’t interested. She also needed time for herself to study. Maybe your mother could also give you advice about anger and neediness. Don’t be sad, it’s impossible to know if she will want to reconcile later, but for sure she would NOT want to get back with the person you were. Now that you’ve begun to make improvements, there’s still a chance..
Tomorrow will be day 2, right?

[S.H]

Yea I fully understand that. She did told me that she never told her parents about our fights…so maybe the reason was rally just the money. Because she did mention money was kinda tight for them. But then again she may lying about it or she really feel like she wanted more space and move out.

And yea I have been doing my own stuffs to, reading, meditating, going to gym, meeting friends and family, doing my own works/hobbies.

Also after the BU i have had a lot of talks with my parents. A lot of life lessons learned too.

I guess what there is left to do is up to me. I have to do NC and continue to improve myself.

Also i though tomorrow would be day 4 since I last contacted her about i miss her and stuff…should i start over from when she send me Bday wish? I mean she initiate the contact…?

[patricia12]

Yes start over from the birthday. Today is day 3..

[S.H]

So heres a update… remember I sent an email a day after the BU? The email is basicaly saying how im sorry and how i’ll fix my anger issue, and how we should give it another chance etc….

Well, my ex message me yesterday and said that she accept my apology and that she is happy that im changing for the better and fixing my anger issue and grow as a person. She also said her flaws and that she will fix those too. She said she been thinking a lot since shes alone there and she said that some time even though people care for each other a lot doesn’t mean they are compatible. And she also said that we are too different and that she hope we can stay friends.

I dont know what to do now…does this mean i really have no hope of getting her back? NC may just make her move on! 🙁

[patricia12]

Yes, I remember you sending the email. She seems like a nice person and it was the courteous thing to do to reply to it. However, she is saying that you’re not compatible and she doesn’t want to a relationship with you, but she is open to a friendship. To continue wishing and hoping to get her back as a girlfriend is only hurting yourself! Sorry, but it’s apparently time to accept moving on. Because your feelings for her are still strong, it would probably hurt to just be a friend. You might need more time to get over her and accept the reality of the situation and maybe be friends with her at sometime later.

If you continue to work on your anger issue, it will give you a chance to have a better relationship with someone else in the future.

[Baseballguy1996]

@S.H

Just read through your thread, and wow I can only imagine what your feeling! I see Patricia give a lot of great advice on these boards and I have a ton of respect for her! However, I must respectfully disagree with her assessment and last piece of advice. But first off let me tell you to not get your hopes up.

The pattern of behavior your ex is showing is so similar to mine, it’s a little scary. She is the nicest, most kind hearted person I have ever met but at the time during our breakup she was very cruel. After a little begging in my part we started NC and did that for 28 days. She didn’t call or text me once, I was heartbroken. When we finally did start to talk she insisted she just wanted to be friends for nearly a month. About a month ago now she finally opened up to me and said she still loves me but doesn’t want to be in a relationship now.

If the relationship meant anything to her, she hasn’t completely moved on and doesn’t want to be ‘just friends’. Now, this doesn’t mean she wants to or will want to get back together in the future, but at this point all hope is not lost. I would follow others advice on here and immediately start NC once again, you both need time. Improve yourself, get stronger. Continue working on the issues that have plagued you and your relationship. You can do it!

However, after everything I’ve just said, you must understand the outcome of all this may not be reconciliation. She may just want to be friends and if you can accept that, continue on with my advice. If you cannot get over her and still ‘need’ a relationship with her and not just ‘want’ a relationship with her, follow Patricia’s advice. If you ‘need’ her you will only end up getting more hurt in the long run.

You have a long road in front of you, but it is not impossible. The day you give up hope, is the day you have no chance. It is up to you if you want to continue to fight through adversity. There is a day where that attitude would be hurtful more than helpful but IMO that day is not today.

[patricia12]

@Baseballguy1996 Your advice to SH is positive, uplifting, and logical! Hopefully things will work out the way you both desire. Wishing you the best:)
By both, I mean SH and Baseballguy.

[Baseballguy1996]

Thank you Patricia! And if you wouldn’t mind looking at my thread I could always use more advice and perspectives! Especially from someone who seems as experienced and as well thought as you.

[S.H]

Hi baseballguy1996,

thanks for reading! Im very grateful for your opinion. I have been thinking a lot actually after reading what patricia said. I have started to accept the fact that my ex may not be in my life in the future, and i know changing myself/doing everything i can will not 100% guarantee to get her back.

I’ve been thinking and reading a lot about how to move on/let someone go. And i read something, and it said Try everything, if you still fail, then move on. I know I have to accept the fact the my ex may not want to come back to me. But i also know that i still have strong feelings for her, and I know I’ll regret if I dont give it my best and try everything i can to get her back. I totally agreed to what you said. The day I give up hope, is the day I have no chance.

So I will try my best to be the best person i can be, and to try get her back. I know i dont need her in my life, but i know i’ll be happier if I get my last chance to proof to her that I’ve learned my mistakes and we are better than before.

Everything happened for a reason am I know that this break up is inevitable, it needs to happen so i can learn how to truly love someone…hopefully that person will still be my ex

Im really grateful for you guys help here, I’ll be sure to update you guys!

[Mister Handy]

Hello S.H how are you?

I was reading your story and made me also think of my mistakes and how to improve as a person.

Are you better? Still doing the NC?

Best.

[S.H]

Hey Mister Handy,

Thanks for reading my posts. And I am definitely feeling better. I still miss my ex from time to time but really you just have to accept the fact that the break up happen and it happened for a reason. All you and I need to do know is to know what cause the break up, and learn from it. Be a better person for yourself. Also give her time too.

And yea I’m still doing NC. Trust me, at first its super hard but you will feel better as each day passes. It will help if you go out more, hang out with your friends. Be social, meet new people/girl, knowing that love is abundant in the world. You love and you want your ex, but you dont need her in your life. You wont die because shes not going to be with you anymore.

All you can do is to be the best person you can be, learn from your past mistakes and you are already a better man. And being a better person is the best way to get your ex back. Heres what i understand after reading a lot about relationships stuffs, if you really love someone, even when he/she is with someone else you will wish them the best.Because all you want is for them to be happy.

I am taking this “opportunity” to be the best person I can be, and Im sure you can do it as well! Be positive! And like my dad always say: Be the best, do the best and let god take care of the rest!

[Mister Handy]

hi SH!

I’m glad to know that you are better!

you seem to me a very nice guy amd show maturity in your words! I agree that we should learn from this separation and become the best we can be.

Today after a few weeks of no contact, Im begin to see things more clearly too! I’m still miss my ex, wake up at night with anxiety crisis and the pain of losing a people I love so much! but I know that both for her and for me it will be good! And I start to think that if one day we will be back, we will be more atronger. If not we will also be stronger with others!

SH thanks for sharing your experience with me! I’ll put you in my prayers and wish you all the best! and as our friend baseballguy said, when we give up then we will have no more chances!

keep us updated ok

[Author]

Posts