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My ex and I had mutual friends. She didn’t know them before we started dating but became good friends with them through me (girlfriends of my guy friends). They have been reaching out to her to see how she’s doing and they tell me about the text conversations they have. She has not asked about me at all. My question, A) does this break the no contact rule and B) why is she not asking about me?
@joshf Her asking friends how she’s doing doesn’t break no contact unless you give them a message to give to her. If she isn’t asking about you, it’s probably because she’s still upset. Why did she break up with you and how long ago?
Hi Patricia, thank you for the reply. Well, she was unhappy towards the end of the relationship and there are several reasons. First off it is a long distance relationship. Her mother and father are both sick (one physical and the other mentally) and she lived at home. We’ve been broken up for about three weeks and I found out through our mutual friend that she has gotten her own apartment. I am very happy for her because she was living in a toxic environment with her parents.
During the break up she mentioned that I was too content and happy in life, was missing passion and I did not raise my voice at her or yelled at her. She also missed vulnerability from me. We dated for two years and I was shopping for rings. She had brought up these concerns before but I just wasn’t sure what she meant by all that. But she hasn’t called, texted and does not even ask about me.
Right before the break up she went on a Osha retreat where we did not have any communication. The day she got back she decided to end the relationship.
The last text I got from her a day after we broke up was that she wants me to know how much she loves me and that I should trust that this is what is needed right now and that she will always be there for me. I’m very confused by all this. I have been very strong doing the no contact now over three weeks but it does not seem to get easier.
Hope all this makes sense…@joshf How old are you both and how long were you a “couple”? First you said it was long distance, then you said you dated for 2 years so I’m confused. Did you see her in person and how often? Glad to hear she got her own place, but she probably still visits her parents. Her saying you didn’t raise your voice or yell at her sounds very odd. Most mature women don’t like to be yelled at! And you being happy in life is good. What exactly did she mean by you “missing passion”? And what did she mean by she “missed vulnerability” from you? Sorry for all the questions, but just trying to understand more. She said she loves you, but it concerns me if she does, that she didn’t even try to work through the issues with you, but instead chose to break up. It seems strange she would add “this is what is needed now”. Saying she will always be there for you is a common thing people say after a break up that was amicable and the person harbors no significant ill feelings.
Hi @patricia12. I welcome your questions. Thank you for asking. Yes we were in a long distance relationship for two years. She is a freelancer and would spend 3-4 weeks at a time with me, then go home for about the same amount of time.I would visit her on occasion as well. All she needs is the internet and her laptop. I don’t know exactly what she means by passion and vulnerability. But I did do an exercise where I wrote everything down and I think it gave me clarity. I think by passion she meant confidence. In the relationship and in my professional life. I have recently moved and have been in a undesirable work situation which sucked the energy out of me. I wasn’t passionate about anything like I used to be, so I’m thinking maybe it had to do with that. As far as vulnerability goes, I think she means that I never really opened up to her about my imperfections and insecurities. Current and from the past. I wrote down a list and it is long and I had never mentioned any of it to her. I feel like maybe I wasn’t authentic with her and I didn’t want to show weakness and have her carry my burdens but I did some reading and it is apparently healthy to share these things with your partner over time.
We also moved into an undesirable neighborhood (didn’t do enough research) because of the proximity to my work. She chose the apartment but would get harassed by men every time she walked outside. She never left the building while I was at work. Plus the apartment does not have AC and there is a new building being constructed right next to our building. So sitting in the apartment, in the summer heat with the windows open, not being able to leave and trying to focus on work with loud construction noise also got to her. Then she would go home to her parents place that was a toxic environment for her as well. I found out recently that she just moved to her own apartment, which makes me very happy for her. I was trying to show her love every time I could. I felt like she wasn’t able to handle it. She was never great with compliments and although she is extremely talented, she was insecure about her work as well. Hope this helps a bit in understanding the situation.
Thank you again for engaging!@joshf You’ve only been broken up for about 3 weeks so she’s probably still upset and hurting. Give her some time to cool down (about a month) and then write a nice text or email. It’s said that open honest communication is important in a good relationship. That means being honest with your feelings whatever they might be. Everyone has stress and insecurities at times and it’s good to say so. It wouldn’t put a burden her because she could’ve had the chance to be loving and supportive of you. You could do the same for her. I understand you two were in an unfavorable environment and she must have been depressed about it. I’m sure she will want to talk with you later on and maybe you two could meet in person to talk. And from then on, be real with her and share your true thoughts always. Slowly build up toward a better relationship and she might reconsider reconciliation.
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