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I mean from my perspective it seems like something resonated with him. People change their minds all the time. I think there could be a lot of different reasons for him to say that. I don’t know him well enough or what he is going through, maybe he did just want you to go away or maybe something stuck with him. I feel like if he really knew that he didn’t want to be with you he would have told you there, but he didn’t. So from my eyes I feel like he would actually be thinking about it. There’s not really a good way of knowing. I’m sorry that might not help you but that’s what I feel.
I guess I don’t really think it matters, you have to trust that he is going to think about it. You put yourself out there which is great. If he doesn’t want to be with you it’s his loss. You sound like a nice committed girl. You deserve to be with somebody who wants to be with you.
Does any of that make sense? Sorry I can’t be more helpful, i don’t really know what he’s going through, but from my perspective I think he will actually think about things.
Ok, many thanks @AGuyWhoMissesHer ! I wish you all the best too, hang in there 🙂
You sound genuine and lovely. If only my ex felt the same way towards me as you do towards your ex haha
I feel like you have to look at it from a positive mindset my friend, he was willing to meet with you, he said he missed you, he said he’d think about it, and he did send a text or say something like “if we were to get back together” which is great honestly because it means he’s at least considering it right?
Be happy! You’ve made it a lot further than most people, you are a strong person to make it this far and keep composed. I’m sure you sounded confident
Heh thanks I appreciate that, I wish my ex felt that I was genuine and lovely but she hasn’t really given me the chance to show her recently :/. But she hasn’t really given me the chance to say anything, so I’m backing off for a bit. She said she wanted to be friends with me but can’t really handle talking to me for some reason. I really don’t understand what she is doing. It’s quite frustrating and sad.
I really miss her :/ but I don’t know what to do. We had coffee and it went well but now she’s backing off from me and I feel hopeless. I really hope things work out for you. I don’t think it’s going to work out for me. I hope it does but I’m too afraid to send her anything because I’m worried she won’t respond or will just ignore me again.
@AGuyWhoMissesHer, your situation is something i dont think anyone can blame you much. Imagine if you’d be texting some girl constantly and started acting distant from your girl while dating her, dont you think she would have done something similar?
You’ve been unnecessarily been making yourself the culprit here. In many relations this happens and the girl should have also understood how it made you insecure. Could have discussed it but clearly she was smitten by this guy and that is what led her to take this call.
Am sure anyone would say that leave her (I would too) but since you’re feeling you want her back so I’ll give you a piece of advise which might help or might not. DO NOT send her any messages about a meet up or chatting ever. Instead send regular forwards (not everyday but may be one in 2-3 days). If you can then try to date someone (not to make her jealous but to actually see if your confidence is coming back) and let it be known somehow through social media as you made new friends and keep socializing.
If she tries to discuss anything about herself or the guy (who had the accident and she said she liked somewhat) then simply say you’ll get back to it later and have to finish some other work or meet someone. Ignore politely. No need to wish her on Christmas or New Years. Send those regular forwards around these dates but NO CONTACT on those particular days. She’ll surely wonder what happened and will want to reach out cos it’ll make her feel as if you dont want to chase anymore. If she messages on those days, DO NOT reply. STRICT NO CONTACT on those particular days. Later the next day you can wish and if required just say that you had company and it was fun.
@AGuyWhoMissesHer , I do think he met up with me on Sunday mainly to get his book back. The day before that we met for coffee because he said he wanted to and 3 weeks ago said ‘perhaps we should talk’. That gave me false hope, and it’s not fair that I let him kiss me, hug me and put me on his lap on Saturday. I only let him because I thought things were going well and he was going to ask to see me again.
I’ve been rejected by this guy twice now, preparing myself for a third rejection. I know how stubborn he can be. Doesn’t care about hurting me just days before Christmas.
I think your ex acted irrationally, I agree with @amcee that if the tables were turned she would have checked your phone too.
I don’t believe she has been 100% honest because she freaked out over that more than you would expect. Think it was an excuse to hide the true reason and to make her seem like the victim.
I think you should stop sending texts and drop off the radar for a while. Move on with your life, let your feelings fade naturally and assume she isn’t coming back. You never know, I did that in my situation 10 weeks ago and heard from my ex within 2 weeks, never thought I would again. If she misses you enough, she will contact you, probably with some lame text to mask the fact she misses you. If you don’t hear from her after 45 days feel free to message her with something that will evoke nostalgia and make her remember a happy memory shared with you.
She may be more comfortable by that point to converse with you, so you can build attraction from there. If she doesn’t seem receptive, I would say leave it. She will wonder about you and I expect you will hear from her one day in the future.
Seeing as you want her back, repeat this process over and over. You may get to a point where you don’t want her back. If not, all you can do is hope she realises how great you were, all the things you did for her, and hope this guy doesn’t match up.
Doubt they will get married and have babies, I think he is just a rebound. Most relationships can be saved, there is usually at least some hope. You do still have a chance.
@AGuyWhoMissesHer , my ex said he missed me 3 weeks ago and said it again the first time we spoke after 3 weeks of NC on Friday last week (day before we met for the coffee), yet that still wasn’t enough to stop him from saying we shouldn’t get back together on Sunday. I don’t missing me means all that much to him.
I fear he may just say ‘I love you and I miss you but it’s not enough’ when he gets in touch again with his decision. I’m not even sure it will be a ‘decision’ as he only said he would ‘think about some of the things I had said and be in touch’, whatever that means. I don’t know if it necessarily means ‘reaching a decision’…?
Hi Amcee,
I see what you are saying and I appreciate it. I know you say it seems like she chose this other guy over me and part of me thinks that as well. Clearly enough of me didn’t believe her which is why I was insecure about it. i just don’t really believe she would do something like that to me :/ I don’t think she’s the type of person to do that. She told me a few times she didn’t break up with me for him but who knows if that’s the truth or not. I think I do believe her but it’s hard given lots of the evidence idk. It makes me sick and angry to think about. She wasn’t the same person after I checked and it scares me so much that that was the cause of everything.
Even after all this I’ve decided that I want to be with her again but I don’t think she wants to be with me. What do you mean when you say send her regular forwards? I’m thinking I might try to talk about normal stuff with her for a bit again and not the relationship and not about meeting up. Is that what you mean?
I think I’ll stick to your advice about those holidays I like that idea, so thank you :). Thanks a bunch, it means a lot to me, more than you know.
Hi Anon1236,
Yeah that doesn’t seem fair to say he doesn’t want to get back with you but still is physical with you. In my opinion, don’t let it get past hugging as far as physical stuff goes unless he commits to you or you have that conversation. If he tries I’d say pull away from it until you talk. What book of his did you have that he couldn’t just get another one or something or have mailed to him?
I would go back on no contact with her but I feel like she doesn’t really miss me at all. I think she’s too stubborn to admit it even if she did. My concern is that if I wait too long she’s just going to start seeing the other guy. She might already be doing that I don’t know. I hope now :/
It’s just frustrating because I thought things would get better after coffee but she says she isn’t really ready for anything past that so I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing honestly.
I don’t think this guy will match up to me but she still might date him which hurts, I don’t feel like her deserves her and probably looks good because he doesn’t seem insecure, even though he sort of caused me to feel it. And everyone feels sympathy to him because he fell a few stories. It’s just too much to handle sometimes. I don’t want to move on but sometimes I feel like I should just move past her.
If he says he loves you and he misses you, when that happens ask him why. If that’s what he says and feels I don’t think you can use logic there, I think you’ll have to depend on an emotional connection.
I don’t know if him thinking about it will reach to a descision either but remember he did say he’d talk to you before Christmas. I think try to improve yourself until that point. Ball is in his court now which sucks, makes you feel powerless. I understand that feeling, I’m there now too. But you only have a few days to make it :). I think wait until then. I don’t think it makes sense to read into every little thing that he said or didn’t say. Does that make sense?
Thanks @AGuyWhoMissesHer. Is there anything I can do to regain control over this situation? I feel like he has all of the power.
I’ve put my phone away in my wardrobe so I don’t look at it, and if he gets in touch I won’t respond immediately and will make him wait. If it’s bad news I probably won’t respond at all. I’m considering not looking at my phone at all until after Christmas as it may ruin the festive period for me.
I sent him a text last night because I told him on Sunday I might be going back to university on Tuesday but there was a change of plan. The text said : ‘Going to be staying in *hometown* for a bit longer, turns out Dad is available next week to take me :)’
Don’t know what difference that will make, if any. He didn’t reply.
I would say move on for now and enter no contact, then reach out after NC has ended and take it from there. Focus on yourself for now and try not to worry about her and whether she misses you or not. Only time will tell.
I gave him the book back because I only live 5 minutes away from him by foot, and I thought it would be a nice thing to do since he knew I still had it. It didn’t seem fair to keep it and make him buy a new one if he only lives round the corner. He seemed to appreciate it. I thought it would show I’m not clinging onto him and prepared to remove reminders of him from my life.
If he doesn’t want to try again, I’m considering burning the gifts he has bought me in the past which I still have.
Sorry, this is kind of long……The main worries I have is that he thinks I wouldn’t treat him well and that the trust is gone. There were several issues in the relationship which ultimately led to its end:
1) I broke up with him 3 times without meaning it and it hurt him
2) The incident with the guy who took advantage of me in his car – told him I had a boyfriend beforehand and wanted nothing more than friendship, he promised not to make a move on me but did regardless once I got into his car, drove to a remote location and abused me
3) The incident with the guy at work who tried to kiss me – told him I had a boyfriend first time I ever spoke to him and that I was looking for nothing more than friendship, met up with him a few times outside of work to talk about computer games and music, tried to kiss me in the staff room but I pushed him away, blocked him, never spoke to him again, told my ex the same night it happenedHe said he didn’t think we should get back together the day after a passionate coffee meet-up, I didn’t beg, I just told him trust can be rebuilt in small steps, I wanted to give him his book back and had something I wanted to say.
He came to meet me. I said I had already sent him a list of my solutions to trust issues (3 weeks ago), he said ‘yeah, you did send me a long message’ and looked annoyed. I told my ex that he ruled my world when we were together, he said I ruled his too. He said he would have done anything for me and thinks he ‘gave me too much’. I said I would have done anything for him and still would. I told him I think we rushed into things and skipped the dating stage, said we loved each other too soon etc. I said I think we never had a solid foundation of trust to begin with and didn’t take the time to get to know each other. I said ‘I think if you had known me properly you would never have left’. He said quite angrily ‘maybe I don’t know you, maybe you don’t know me, maybe we don’t know each other’. Told him we lacked communication, we should have spoke less on Facebook Messenger and had more phone calls and Skype sessions. Things were easily misinterpreted and you can’t hear the tone of voice on Facebook Messenger, this led to arguments. He nodded.
My ex saw meeting up with those guys as ‘playing games’ to make him jealous when in reality I was looking for friendship. I told him this again on Sunday and said I was at fault for being too naive and unrealistic and seeing the good in people. I said ‘some people don’t respect boundaries clearly’. I reassured him my uni friends I have now were purely platonic (he hasn’t met them), he nodded.
I told him I was so afraid of losing him that I unintentionally did things to sabotage the relationship. I was scared of him getting bored so I did things to keep him on his toes, because I have seen many relationships fizzle out (namely my parents’ relationship which I was exposed to everyday). As I was explaining this he nodded and said ‘I see, it was because you didn’t want that in your own life’. I told him I was in a bad place over the summer just gone because I left the first university I was at, felt worthless and stupid, had uncertainties about the future of my career, had a lack of commitments so began to over-analyse/focus on the relationship. I told him I had got back my academic/career security since I went back to uni in September, so this wasn’t an issue anymore. I threatened to break up one night when staying with him in June; I had meant to say I was just going home (not breaking up) but whole thing spiralled out of control. I told him that I regretted that night massively.
I said I had had time to realise my mistakes and to see what works and what doesn’t work. I said ‘I now see that keeping you on your toes and threats of breaking up are not the way to go’. I said to him ‘I don’t care about those guys anyway, I miss YOU‘. I said ‘hopefully you can see that I’ve sorted some things out with myself now’, and that since the guy who tried to kiss me there were never any incidents like that again, and I never threatened to break up with my ex again after that time in June (we split in October). I said ‘I know I can’t control the past, but I can control the present and future’.
I said when I lived in Sheffield (2 and a half hours away from our hometown) for 5 months nothing ever happened with anyone even though there was distance between us, and if that doesn’t prove I’m trustworthy I don’t know what will. He nodded.
He said he had to go, started rolling a cigarette and told me about how his Christmas party had gone the night before, said he had got very drunk. He was avoiding eye contact. I told him I missed him, he said he missed me too. He took his book and said ‘I’ll have a think about some of the things you said and I’ll be in touch before Christmas’. He seemed pretty sure he wouldn’t need much time to think (less than a week). He gave me a half-hearted hug, said ‘I’ll be in touch’ again, and left.
The whole conversation was drastically different to the night before, when he was kissing me, asking for a hug and holding it for a long time, pulling me onto his lap, cuddling me, gazing into my eyes for 90 minutes, not breaking eye contact.
Heh I actually giggled when you said you put your phone in your wardrobe, I’ve done the same thing, I haven’t actually used my personal phone in around a week now. Thankfully I have a work phone that I use but I’m scared to look and my normal phone.
I think he does have power for right now which sucks, I wish I knew how to help you but I feel it is the same in my situation, my ex seems to have most of the power as well. I think you just have to deal with being powerless for a bit, I think you’ll only have until Christmas or so to deal with it. Then after Christmas you should have some power back at least depending on what you have said, you can always step back develop some of your own personal power.
I don’t know if I’d burn all his stuff, that seems a little harsh, again it depends what he says in a few days. I think maybe put it all in a box somewhere. That’s something I probably need to do.
I don’t think I can step back from things right now, I’m scared she’s going to go after the other guy, I can always go back to no contact but I want to try to make this work again. I don’t know if it’s a good idea but I think I’m going to send her something tonight. Just a simple reminded me of you text. It’s been almost 2 weeks since I sent anything to her. Maybe she’ll actually want to talk to me idk. Maybe it’s a bad idea I don’t know. What do you think?
I think it’s a good gesture to give the book back honestly. Maybe someday you will have it again, honestly I think he will come around, he just needs to figure it out. What have you done emotionally or personally to improve during no contact, just curious?
Haha I thought I was the only one who puts phones in wardrobes.
During no contact I have focused on my studies, worked hard on assignments, got back into drawing, formed stronger bonds with my flatmates, socialized more with friends, listened to loads of music. I also had a photoshoot done, posted it on social media and I don’t drink as often as I did when I was with him. I’ve realised how much I have to offer a person (my ex even said this 2 weeks after the break-up to make things worse haha). Still doesn’t want to be with me though 😛
I meant I would burn gifts he had given me, not burn his stuff!!
Did you read the long post I posted? Where are you from? The timezone on this website confuses me sometimes haha.
If she responded positively last time you spoke to her 2 weeks ago, then I think it is safe to contact her. If not, I would wait a week or two.
Hey Sorry I didn’t see that post for some reason, didn’t show up for me till I checked again right now.
As far as the issues you mentioned above. I don’t really think 2 or 3 are really your fault. I can understand how that would shake up a relationship but I feel like those things in a weird way would strengthen your relationship. I’m sorry you were abused. That’s gotta be really tough to deal with.
As far as I can tell his only real issues with trust would be maybe when you broke up with him those times. I can understand why he’d have a hard time dealing with that. 3 times is quite a few times. I’d say if you ever get back with him or someday you find somebody else, don’t do that unless you are sure you absolutely want to break up with them. Its really hurtful to the other person. But I’m sure you’ve had time to think about that and realize that. I assume he broke up with you? Why did he do that?
Why did he come over and get physical with you? Did you guys talk about anything beforehand? I think in the future before any of that stuff happens you should have the “talk” about the relationship or whatever if it comes to that.
Have you had any sort of non-emotional conversation with him recently? I think heart to heart conversations are good but you have to build up to those by having fun with them or re-ignite those friendly conversations and jokes you’ve had with him. Did you talk about stuff for fun at coffee or when he came over? I think that stuff is very important, then your ex can see you are doing well and are confident etc.
Also dude if he is jealous of you meeting other people that’s gotta mean something positive for you, it means he’s got some sort of positive emotions. Like if he broke up with you and then is jealous about you that’s not really okay. You have a right to make friends, you are broken up, why does he care about friends you are making. This dude gotta commit to you or deal with the fact that you are meeting with other people.
I think its good you explained why you did some of the things, like referencing your parents relationship is a big deal. That takes a lot of self awareness to understand. I think I would more focus on what you would do or what you have been working on to prevent your previous issues from popping up again. That make sense?
Honestly I don’t think you should have to prove that you are trustworthy with logic. I think its something you feel, which is built up over time. I think the issues you face should build up the trust between you two. Idk, maybe I’m crazy, but I still trust my ex that she was telling me the truth when she said she didn’t break up with me because of him etc. That’s something that I just feel with her. Obviously, there was some lack of trust from my end otherwise I wouldn’t have checked her texts in the first place. The problem is I don’t think she trusts me anymore, and I can understand why. Its just hard for me to deal with sometimes. It wasn’t like I cheated on her or anything, I didn’t lie to her about it, and I tried to talk to her about it quite a few times. That doesn’t excuse what I did and I still feel responsible for it but it just makes me feel really terrible.
If he doesn’t want to be with you after you present all these things that you have done to work on yourself for him, he doesn’t really deserve to be with you. You should be proud of yourself for making it this far.
I think you should just put all his gifts and stuff in a box somewhere. I should probably do that with my ex’s stuff ughh. Thats not going to be fun.
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