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Thanks for the advice. I probably shouldn’t send him any texts and just wait.
I’m pretty worried about losing him for good. I feel powerless and as though there’s nothing I can do and he’s set on not trying again.
We broke up 10 weeks ago, I’ve done 2 weeks of no contact followed by another 2 weeks of no contact, then another 3 weeks. I am nowhere near as emotional now compared to the first time we met after the break up, and I feel very confident in myself again and happy. I know I still want to be with him even after all of this time and the hell I’ve been through.
I was non-emotional when meeting with him on Saturday and yesterday. I kept my cool and kept smiling.
It confuses me that he said he didn’t want to get back together then an hour and a half later (after seeing me) said he was going to think about what I had said and get in touch.
Why would someone say that? Was it because of something I said which made him realise something or other?
Part of me can’t help but think that it was just a way to get out of the conversation and to shut me up for the time being.
@Anon1236 you’ve to channel your emotions a little bit with tact over here now. Remember healing time is required and if you try to open a wound which is not yet healed, do not expect miracles.
Please realize that you’re trying to not only get back with him but also build a stronger relation which means that even time and space will not be able to separate you guys easily ever. A break up simply means that you’ve to let go of something old and be willing to accept something new. Most people assume this is letting go of the old person & welcoming someone new but its deeper meaning is to LET GO of the old habits/ ways which led to the break and welcome new habits/ ways which will help you get a better experience.
The chances of getting back with an ex is always higher but at the same time LET GO of the fear that is holding you back from improving emotionally. Trust me, he’ll notice it, will again fall for you and will want to re-ignite the relation. Right now it is his ego talking. You can decide if you want to feed the ego or politely give him time and space.
If you want to go about handling this the right way, my suggestion is get back with your life as if he didnt exist (or atleast let others feel as if you are getting on with it) and it will slowly burst the ego bubble your ex is living in.
As much as you need to make changes (which am sure you’re putting efforts), the same way he needs to understand you as a person and respect your space too. What if tmrw he has this same issue again and breaks up? You think you’ll have a new strategy then? Why not use it now?
Try to look at the larger picture than worrying about sending a text or a making a call or meeting him and pouring out.
Good luck!
How will he notice if I let go of the fear that is holding me back from improving emotionally if he makes the decision not to talk to me/see me ever again?
This is his first relationship so he is quite emotionally naive and tends to shut down instead of communicating. He has often said ‘I’m not sure I want to put myself through that all again’, yet refuses to see that if we were to get together he wouldn’t be putting himself through that again because it would be stronger and better, having learnt from our mistakes. BUT how do I communicate this to him if we don’t ever try again?!?!
Yesterday I said (in person) ‘if you knew me properly I don’t think you would have ever left’
He said ‘maybe I don’t know you. Maybe you don’t know me. Maybe we don’t know each other.’
You think you can make him understand the value of communication when both of you need time to heal?
Lets get the priorities straight first. HEALING.
The sooner you heal, the faster you’ll be able to repair the damage and much faster go about regaining the lost trust from him.If someone is hurt emotionally then do you think you can make it right again by emotional talks? You cannot heal someone with the same thing which hurt them in the first place. It is not easy but it is only difficult if you’re not willing to put the effort.
You can try your best to defend his ego right now but that will not change the fact that the bubble needs to burst.
Either help burst this bubble so can have a proper conversation with him (constructive one) or keep pleading and end up risking it for worse things.If you’re not willing to risk it, how will you test it? You dont have that much faith in him? You dont have faith in his feelings for you? If you dont then obviously you have more work to do and if you have faith then dont hesitate in taking this step.
He said the only issue is the broken trust. I told him trust can be rebuilt in small steps but he hasn’t said whether he wants to try yet.
It concerns me how someone can go from being so affectionate and lovely one day to cold and distant the next day the minute the topic of the break-up is brought up.
I would have thought all of this time apart would have given him time to cool off but he is as cold and distant as he was 3 weeks after the break-up (7 weeks ago), the only difference being that this time he said he would think about things.
How do I go about bursting the ego bubble? I did 3 periods of no contact which didn’t seem to have any effect on his ego.
His ego will burst when he notices that you’re getting on with your life. Let him see what he is missing out on. By showing the begging, pleading, doormat side of yours, you’re showing him that he isnt missing out on anything as of now.
If he is this sensitive then you’ve a VERY LONG road ahead before even thinking of having a strong relation. Cos people who are this sensitive have a high ego and short temper too.
If you just want to get back to him without caring about how strong the relation is when you get back then surely go ahead and keep pleading to him and may be it might work! Although it just masks the issue at hand and puts you on a shaky foundation.
But if you want a real shot at the relation to become stronger than ever, then do yourself a favor and JUST WORK on yourself and improve EVERYDAY compared to yesterday. One step at a time. Rome was not built in a day. If he isnt trying to think what is wrong in his sensitivity then it will take him longer to realize stuff. You’re not the right person to even try show him his faults. It will hurt him more.
What do I do and say from here onwards (if anything)?
He said he was going to think about some of things I said to him yesterday this week, and get in touch before Christmas.
Are you saying I should tell him he doesn’t have to make a decision before Christmas?
I don’t think he should rush the descision if that is what you are asking. He’s got to figure that out on his own, if he wants to be with you or not.
I get that feeling of being powerless, I’m in a similar sort of place with my ex. She says she isn’t really ready to talk to me about stuff yet or be friends with me. I’ve no clue why but I’m trying to be patient. It seems like your ex is stuck sort of mentally.
Honestly I’d say back up for a bit. You’ve said your peace to him, he needs to decide what he wants to do. You can’t really force him to be back in a relationship if he doesn’t want to. It’s got to be his choice. My guess would be he will want to come back to you he just hasn’t gotten there yet.
Remember, you’ve put a lot of work to this point and it sucks but you kind of have to wait and hope. Meanwhile, still work on the normal things you have been during no contact, hit up a gym, do some yoga, hang with friends, etc.
I know you feel like there is something you should be able to do and you want to have that power to steer him towards you but you have to kinda let it play out. You don’t want to be in a relationship with somebody who you sort of forced to be in one with you. You want him to want to be with you.
Honestly if your ex is still acting the same as he used to around you being closed off and distant is that somebody you want to be with? Your ex might have to sort out his own personal issues with that as well.
I think you have done really well to get this far. Be proud of that! Smile and feel relieved. You are doing really well so far. Keep it up, work on healing yourself. You’ve put yourself out there. I know you feel powerless, I understand that, I’m in the same boat. But if he doesn’t want to be with somebody who is willing to do all this work for him, you probably don’t want to be with him.
I feel like if I tell him not to rush his decision, it could go either way. He could either:
a) Get used to me not being around, feelings of missing me could fade, or feel angry that I am giving him more time than he said he needed
b) He could miss me more than he does at the moment and have more time to reflect, angry emotions associated with break up would fade
I believe it would go more in the direction of a).
However, I think he has an internal battle going on where ‘if he gets back with me he is telling himself it is ok for me to treat him however I like’ (in his own words). How do I get him to realise this isn’t the case before he gets in touch with his decision?
It hurts that someone who told me I was ‘the one’ and the person he had been waiting for his whole life (he’s almost 29) can just give up on me like that and not believe what I am telling him.
I never gave up on him or us, never took him for granted and enjoyed every moment with him, even if it was just sitting on his sofa eating pizza haha. I was also very accommodating of him (I told him all of this yesterday, too). I never suffocated him or stopped him from doing his own thing when he wasn’t seeing me, such as seeing friends etc. He nodded in agreement.
I would say wait until Christmas and see what he says, if he says he needs more time give it to him. He’s already told you he’s going to make the descision by then so I’d say let him be, maybe he’ll decide by then maybe he won’t. He’s not going to get completely over you in 6 days. You don’t have to offer to give him more time if he’s already set it.
I’m not sure what he means by his text you are referring to because I don’t really know the circumstances of the breakup. I don’t really understand why he would say that or what he means by it.
Honestly I wouldn’t really talk about the old breakup I would focus on stuff you have done to improve yourself during no contact rather than trying to argue about why you were good during the old relationship.
Sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation, but thank you for your kind words.
I have one final question: From a man’s perspective, why would someone say they didn’t want to get back together then 2 hours later say ‘they’ll think about things’? Is it possible that it was a tactic to get out of the conversation and ‘shut me up’?
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