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Maybe out of self-respect because he thinks I am going to hurt him again? Or because I have already hurt him too much?
Having said that, he has caused me a lot of pain through breaking up with me, yet I haven’t given up on him/us
Sorry @Anon1236 am having a really hard time in figuring out how exactly have you hurt him? This is a first relation for him and he has to be open to communication if he really wants to work on it.
You managed to shove off the guy who tried to kiss you so I think you avoided the situation just on time!
Am really not able to understand what exactly has hurt him. Am not sure if this is some kind of 10th century self-righteous behavior getting into him or what.I would suggest ask straight if he wants to have a conversation about the issue or else my advice is go NC indefinite without informing. If you fall weak then you’ll never be able to get hold of this situation.
This behavior is VERY odd and I believe you need to re-evaluate are ready to deal with this kind of behavior even after you guys get back?
This is not something that goes away in one discussion. It goes away after experiencing different situations and him putting the effort to learn and grow from it.
He thinks I have hurt him by:
a) Playing games by trying to make him jealous by meeting up with other guys during the summer months of this year – I DON’T AGREE WITH THIS (as explained in the message I sent to my ex yesterday)
b) Encouraging the guy who abused me to take advantage of me. It took me two months to tell my ex what happened after the sexual abuse incident. My ex thinks I should never have gotten into his car in the first place that day. I showed my ex all of the messages on Whatsapp I ever had with that guy on the same day the abuse happened. It clearly showed me telling him I had a boyfriend, wanted nothing more than friendship, and me asking him to promise he wouldn’t try to make a move on me. – I DON’T AGREE WITH THIS POINT EITHER
c) Making empty-threats to break up with him during arguments we had towards the end of the relationship – I realise this was wrong on my part and should never have happened. Losing something as important as my ex has prompted me to ensure that I never make this mistake again
@Anon1236, I think this fellow needs to grow up. To be very honest, am not sure if NC will help him but am very sure NC will do you a world of good!!
He is imagining things which never happened and that is going on since quite some time. Its time for you to go NC without informing. I hope you are willing to do that.
Please let me know if I can be of any help.
Good luck!
He is asking me at the moment on Facebook Messenger what my solutions are to the problems. I have told him these so far:
1. To not engage in conversations with males online when they contact me, anyone worth knowing I see in real life anyway and they are strictly platonic
2. To not meet up with anyone who is male, there is really no need – again, the people worth knowing I see in lectures anyway
3. If someone shows flirtatious signs, make more of an effort to avoid them in real life or block them online
4. You could have access to my phone and passwords as an extra ‘security measure’ for your own peace of mind so you’re not just taking my word for it. If you are uncomfortable with this because you see it as unhealthy, it could be a temporary measure until more trust has been built or something that you check every once in a while as opposed to regularly
5. In the past when I was feeling down, you used to ask me if I wanted to talk about it. I could talk to you instead of not telling you and withdrawing
6. No empty threats about breaking up- I realise this was wrong on my part and should never have happened. Losing something as important as you has prompted me to ensure that I never make this mistake again
7. Taking small steps at a time
8. Not forgetting to channel my energies into my own passions in life and my studies, and you likewise, so that I feel more happy and secure and less likely to take anything out on you (this has already taken effect over the past couple of months)
I like the response you have sent. I hope this encourages him to have a face to face dialogue.
Just want to make you aware that here you have given conditions which you will go through to prove yourself. Dont forget to ask him what is it that he is going to do as well to try and put more trust in you.You might just be happy right now if he agrees and you guys get back but if you havent had anything from him which shows he’ll also be putting efforts to show more trust and communicate like an adult then you’re still in a rocky boat.
Good luck!
After I sent the message explaining the incidents with the guys he replied with ‘how do you mean? Solutions?’
Was that him asking me to state the solutions or not…?
I sent the 8 solutions after he put ‘how do you mean? Solutions?’ because I thought that he was asking me to state them…was I right in thinking he was asking for them?
@Anon1236 you have to realize that communication isnt the best aspect of his charisma and i would advise meet up face to face and discuss else this will keep going on. If he is not willing to meet up then just tell him forget it and go NC. Nothing more than this I say will make a difference to your situation.
You’re becoming a doormat here and its not a good sight trust me.
Good luck!I should probably add that after I sent those 8 solutions, I also put ‘but most of all be fun, light-hearted and not dive into anything head-first’.
He replied at 7:30 pm last night telling me he was busy spending time with his Grandpa and would have more time to talk tomorrow. I replied ‘Ok, have fun xx’
It’s now 4:00 pm and I still haven’t heard anything. This doesn’t look very promising…
So… he got in touch on Saturday night at about 8 pm because he had been doing coursework in the day. We texted each other on Facebook Messenger for 3 hours. We were catching up, there was alot of laughing and joking. He asked me a lot of questions about what was going on in my life, the friends I had made at university and whether I did anything with them outside of lectures. He asked me when I was coming home from university for the Christmas holidays. I told him I was coming back on 17th December (3 weeks time).
At one point in the conversation he said ‘I want you to be happy’. I replied ‘I am happy to some extent but there’s some things missing’. He said ‘what things?’ and I said ‘I think you know’. He said ‘I do’. About 5 minutes later he put ‘perhaps we should talk when you get back home?’. I said ‘I thought you were in Lapland when I come back?’. He said ‘yes but I’ll be back for when you come home’. I told him that I thought he was flying there the day after I got home. He said ‘oh shit, am I?’. He couldn’t remember the exact dates he was going to Lapland.
Later in the conversation, he was telling me how he missed the feel of my skin, my smell, pulling me in close towards him, how I used to tickle his beard. He also said ‘I miss you’.
At the end of the conversation, he said ‘I’m falling asleep, I wish it was on you’. I said ‘so do I’, and he replied with a heart emoji. He said he would message me the next day telling me the dates he was going to Lapland once he had found out when they were, which I was quite surprised by because I didn’t understand why he urgently wanted me to know the dates, seeing as I am home for at least 2 weeks at Christmas so there is plenty of time to see me at any point in that 2 week period. I said ‘awww that would be nice of you’ and he said ‘no problem beautiful’.
The next day in the middle of the afternoon he sent me a message saying he was going to Lapland on the 12th December for 2 nights. He said ‘I don’t know why I told you the 18th?’ I replied 2 hours later once I had seen the message with ‘I don’t know why either!’. He sent an emoticon with its tongue sticking out and we haven’t said anything since (that was yesterday).
I’m not sure what to make of all this. What does he want to talk about when I get home in 3 weeks time? Is this an indication that he doesn’t miss me enough to want to see me sooner? I live at university and he lives at home 90 minutes away, so could it be that he doesn’t want to travel to see me or thinks that if he came to visit he would have to stay the night (which neither of us want at this stage)?
I was planning on not reaching out to him in the next 3 weeks and seeing what he does.
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