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It’s been almost three weeks of NC with my ex and I was doing so well until last night my friend called saying that he was with the girl (Let’s call her Julia). Now Julia is four years younger than us which is underage, she’s gotten around by a ton and even tried to talk to him while we were together. A month ago (about a week after we broke up..) I found out they were having sex I messaged him about it and he said he doesn’t want her, she’s disgusting and all of this but still hangs out with her and probably still has sex with her? Can any guy explain this logic to me? As much as I hate to admit lol, she does have a fairly nice body but her looks are exact opposite of me and his turn offs are exactly her (like that she’s blonde and wears a lot of makeup he’s always said he hates a ton). he always told me I was the only perfect girl and all of this, so why is he still hanging out with her?.. He hasn’t tried to contact me at all, though he still shares his location with me (strange?). Should I try to contact on thanksgiving which is the full month of NC? And can somebody please explain his logic lol.
@ceecee123 Most every guy who is single will have sex with a girl who is willing. I’m very proud of you for staying no contact like he requested and I know it’s been difficult to do. Thanksgiving is a great time to contact him. Don’t argue or become smothering again like you used to and I’m sure things will go well:) Good luck and hope he’s calmed down by then and replies nicely.
Thank you so much, you’ve been so kind to me I appreciate it. I had a really rough childhood so I am going back to seeing my psychiatrist, hopefully she can help me change my toxic ways. He’s never been the type of guy that would sleep around though so I was shocked, when thanksgiving comes around what do I say? Just happy thanksgiving or try to create a convo?!
@ceecee123 – Just say Happy Thanksgiving and ask how he’s doing. DO NOT ever act jealous or mention the other girl. Glad you’re going to seek professional help for your issues. But also know, that you don’t ever have to let your childhood affect you as the unique person you are. You have the power to overcome any adversity of childhood experiences. You can become and be whatever way you desire by putting lots of effort into it and I know you’re capable of that! Good luck.
Hi,
I thought maybe I could try to explain the logic a little. First though, I’d like to say that yes if a guy is single and sex with a girl who is willing is available many will take the opportunity. On the flip side, many will not take the opportunity too for a variety of reasons.
He says he doesn’t want Julia. Too much makeup, disgusting, opposite of you, blonde. He could just be saying these things. I don’t know the history of you two or much about the situation. Hanging out with her and the sex could be a way of dealing with relationship or a way to fill the void. It might just be used as a form of release. The underage part might seem like a thrill. Her being the opposite of you would be something very different and something new. These could be seen as exciting to him.
A fairly nice body can go a long way. He could still be attracted to her even with those other characteristics. Again I don’t know the situation or him directly, but he could be using her as a way of jealously or to get a reaction out of you. He knows that you know what he likes. By doing things with Julia, he’s rebelling against you. It could be a simple reason or something more complicated. Boys can be complex too.
I hope I was able to deliver some insight. I’m not sure if any of this helped at all. The logic isn’t there and really the only way to know is from him. No contact is difficult and I would’ve cracked too under the same circumstances. I wish you luck and that things are going well. Continue to be strong and keep moving forward! Oh by the way I am a guy.
Will do :). And I’m not going to but gosh I have so much hatred built up for her when I shouldn’t. Thank you so much for that, I’ve tried hard before to change myself and though it lasted for about 4 months, I did go back to my old ways and forget about the steps I took to be a healthy person :(. I’m going to schedule an appointment soon, so a permantely healthy life can be lived 🙂
Well I’ll tell you some things that might help figure him out. I was his first and only. This girl is now the second girl he’s been with. He’s always always hated girls that’s been with a lot of people and whenever they’ve asked to hook up (even when they were really attractive I think) he would still turn them down. It’s so crazy that he did this since it’s completely not like him. Like I’ve said we broke up now three times because of me. Part of me feels like he did this because I’ve done it. Last time we broke up I thought we would never get back together so I had two rebound relationships, when we got back together it tore him apart since he didn’t do anything and I was still his only. This time we broke up (it’s been a month now) he’s been with that girl while I know for a fact I’m not trying to get into any rebounds since it was such a mistake last time. Is it possible this could be a rebound? And he feels less guilt about doing it since I’ve done it? I know he was extremely insecure that I had a rebound last time and would constantly bring up how I have “experience” while he has none. Thank you for the response btw 🙂
It very well could be a rebound. It also sounds like Julia has been around for sometime. Do you think he would have gone to her during the bad times in the relationship or that there’s been something between them for longer than you think?
I read some of your other posts to try and get an idea of the situation. The fact that you did have two rebound relationships probably did affect him. Knowing that you did this could have influenced him into doing it this time. People under a lot of stress or going through difficult times sometimes do things against their ideals. It might just have been easier for him to give into temptation rather than stay true to what he said.
Well he was extremely faithful when we dated and he blocked her when she was trying to get at him. But as soon as we broke up at a party she asked why she was blocked and so he unblocked her and his bad influence of a friend started to invite her where they would be at (he told me that he wanted my ex to start sleeping around since he never has and he was) and started having sex… You’re right. I feel so horrible for having rebounds but it helped me cope last time, if I had known that it would have affected him so much when we got back together that time I obviously wouldn’t even think about doing it.
So his friend was texting me about it on Tuesday… Here’s the conversation (sorry if it’s too long:
Him:I’m not trying to be a d*** or hurt your feelings court but I really don’t think he’s coming back
Me: Why do you think that? Does he like Julia?
Him: I hang out with him all the time. And no. She’s a fling. No one in our clique likes anyone. All we want is p****.
Me: Is he sleeping around with more than just her?
Him: Idk I don’t ask him about that type of stuff. But I know when we chill and she’s there. There’s 85% he’s gonna be getting some later that’s all
Me: Damn.. He’s changed. Does he say anything about me?
Him: Yeah of course he has changed. He is probably just focusing on doing him and not being in a relationship. He doesn’t talk about you guys, Well he has on somethings but not what’d you expect. Just guy talk and stuff
Me: Like about us having sex?
Him: yea basically that’s all guys talk about if we decide to talk about hoes
Me. He called me a hoe? I’m wondering if he truly did love me or not if all he talked about me was sexual.
Him: No court don’t think that. That is f***ed. He loved you and probably still does. But he just wants to be single and enjoy it. You guys dated for a long time and very early. He is just about him rn. He didn’t just talk about that. He said a couple other things too court. He isn’t a bad guy. He’s just about him rn. There’s nothing wrong with that
Me:He always said how much he hates hoe’s but now he’s having sex with Julia..
Him: He hates hoes. We all do court. I hate them. But we mainly just want p**** tbh. Julia and her annoying ass group of friends are nothing more then toys. That’s f***ed up I know. But I don’t f*** w them I think they’re gross and dumb as hell. But they want to get some and there easy pickings cause they think there all bad for chillin w seniors smoking dope. But really we don’t even pay attention to them at all.I just saw some recent photos of him and a piece of me just broke. I don’t blame him for leaving. I was becoming so toxic again and I’m gonna get help for my issues but like I can’t get over that he had sex with Julia. I’m not a saint but this is honestly messing with me. I miss him so much and I don’t even know how to text him when NC is over. help me please 🙁 I was doing so well and now I’m back to breaking apart.
Don’t put the blame on yourself. If you truly want to form a long lasting relationship with him, then both of can’t play the blame game whether it be you’re blaming each other or yourselves. That friend seems like a terrible influence. Encouraging someone to sleep around and go against their values doesn’t necessarily strike me as friend material.
From how you described ex and based on your conversation with your friend, I don’t see him fitting into that group of people. Obviously there are guys out there that care about more that just sex. There are those that want a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with the person they love. From what he said, it sounds like Julia could be just be getting played. Maybe it is just for sex.
It’s obvious that you are struggling and it hasn’t been going well. I would suggest taking him out of your life as much as you can. Hearing about what is happening is just making your life that much worse. No contact is the time spent working on yourself. This is when you take your sorrows and turn things around. You don’t lose commitment to him but you take the negativity associated with Julia and him and you keep it out of your life. If it is a rebound or he is using her, it will not last.
When the time comes for no contact to end, you should be confident and have a strong state of mind. If that’s not the case, extend NC until you are. Work on yourself. Work to become a better you. I know this isn’t easy. It seems impossible at times. Like I said in another post, each person that completes NC deserves a plaque on their wall. You have the support of the people on this site. You can do it. Believe in yourself and don’t give up.
Thank you for that. Today was a full month of no contact so I did message him saying “happy thanksgiving!! I’m thankful on the huge impact you’ve made on my life in the past (almost) four years, hope we can remain close?” and he said “Happy thanksgiving Courtney! I’m Thankful for everything you’ve showed me about life these last few years” I asked then how he’s doing but he hasn’t read it yet. I felt like his message back wasn’t a positive one, like that he’s thankful I’ve shown him negative things since our relationship wasn’t the best thanks to me… what did you think about it?
So we had a full blown conversation and it’s pretty hurtful. Basically he told me he wished we didn’t last so long because it should have just been a “high school relationship”, I taught him to never treat a high school girl like a princess, he has no interest in talking to me again and yeah. I’m extremely hurt. I don’t even know what to think right now.
I’m sorry to hear that. It looks like he made it pretty clear that he doesn’t have an interest in talking. He still has negative thoughts about the relationship. Really I think the only you can do at this point is extend no contact. He doesn’t want communication right now and time is what will rid him of the negative thoughts on the relationship. I know it sucks, but you cannot force him back. I hope you are doing as best as you can be. The future is a very uncertain thing. Time has interesting way of affecting people. You never know what just might happen.
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me that you replied, I’m honestly struggling right now. I just feel so shitty I can’t express this feeling. I really want to send the screenshots so I can update you on our conversation, could you email me? it’s [email protected]
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