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I talked to her tonight, it started out in an argument because she got confrontational but then it smoothed out. She said I’m immature for thinking just because someone loves you that it means they want to be with you. She also said she doesn’t want to be in a relationship and I said no you just don’t want to be with me. She said she doesn’t want to be in one but also not with me because of the stuff that’s been happening between us. She said she doesn’t like being given ultimatums and that just because she doesn’t want to be with me that it’s wrong that I don’t want to be just her friend. There’s more but I roughly remember it, I’m kind of tired. Should I go on no contact or do you think it’s pointless to do anything at this point? Do you think some time will help her figure out what she wants from me?
She made it clear that she doesn’t want a relationship with you. Please don’t say anything more to her about it! It will just aggravate her. Go strict no contact when you move out and let her know you need to do it for yourself in order to get your life in order and make self improvements. Somewhere down the line it might be possible for you to be friends, but for now, it might hurt you too much. No contact will give you both time to think more rationally.
Ahh, I left out part of what she said by accident. She said she doesn’t want to be with me right now and that she can’t say it’ll be like that forever. So maybe no contact will help her make her mind up, especially if I make giant progress at bettering myself.
I’ve officially decided that after I move out that I’m going to start a 30 day no contact period. I’ve realized that in the state that I am right now that I can see why she isn’t eager to be with me. She said that she likes me but she isn’t in the mental state to be in a relationship. So maybe this time away will be good. I told her after I move out that maybe I’ll need some time, but I’m not sure if she took me seriously or not. I’m nervous about how this will go, but I do love her and I don’t want to give up on it just yet. If next time is no success then I’ll definitely decide that maybe it’s time to move on as much as I care for her.
Try to make her understand you need and want no contact, no maybe about it. The 30 days will help, but it will probably be longer than that before you’re in an improved state regarding work, an apartment, and breaking your bad habits etc.. Just don’t push for a relationship after 30 days!!
I think the best way is for me to just stop contacting her and let her wonder. We argued quite a bit today to the point where I was crying. Which is rare for me and I hate crying. I think it’s just this combined with the pressure of everything else. I talked to my parents and we are meeting tomorrow, her parents said I could stay another night until I meet with my parents tomorrow. I think some time away from eachother will do some good, I’m just worried that she will forget about me which I guess is probably natural. I need to be in a different mindset to approach this situation. Maybe once no contact ends I can invite her out to dinner so she can see how improved I am (hopefully) and I won’t be so easily doormatted as I have been trying to gain her affection because I know that is unattractive.
And I’m making strides to start technical school for welding so if all goes well I’ll be back in with my parents, and I’ll maybe look for another part time job or get a second one and then in a year I’ll hopefully have my welding certificate.
Congrats on making those plans and I pray all will go well for you!!
The talk didn’t have to end in an argument and I hope you can understand that. It takes two to have an argument. I understand you’re an emotional wreck because of your circumstances and her not wanting a relationship with you right now, but that’s another thing for you to work on .. getting control over your emotions no matter what is going on!Tell her you need to take time to calm down, think about everything more logically, and work on improving yourself. If you just leave without telling her why you’re doing no contact, it will seem very rude and inconsiderate. Not letting her know will create more drama and you’re both sick and tired of drama! You want to leave on a good terms!
Later you can show her the improvements over time because it will take more than a few dates to do that. People don’t change overnight. Learning self control and breaking bad habits takes time. The reason you feel doormatted is because you’ve lost your own self respect, but once you take control of your life, you’ll feel better about yourself and you’ll have a better perspective on life, and you’ll have something good to offer her, like a better friendship or relationship. Of course she won’t forget you and how silly is to even think it. Yes time away will be good for both of you. But time away from her needs to be put to good use, otherwise nothing will change. Changes for the better should be your goal.
Please be respectful of your parents tomorrow and don’t argue or lose your temper, no matter what happens! If you lose control of yourself, they will have even less faith in you. They’re already disappointed in your behavior. Let them know you’re going to respect and obey their house rules and that you will be more considerate, understanding of their feelings and viewpoints, and treat them with honor no matter what.
How should I approach the conversation then? Today was pretty extreme, I got pretty upset but she helped me and made me feel better. I’ve already told her we’ve needed to talk and each time it’s ended with one of us getting confrontational. Should I just tell her I need to talk to her one last time before I leave tomorrow? I’m at work right now and I don’t know how I should approach asking her to talk again.
And also I thought part of the effectiveness of no contact was to go about it without saying anything. Last time it ended on a bad note but she ended up contacting me two weeks later and I gave in. I think maybe two weeks wasn’t long enough and especially now. She’s very unpredictable and that’s what worries me.
In your case, no contact is more about improvements than anything else! Doing it without telling her will just be another thing that irritates her about you and will confirm her thoughts about you being childish and immature.
When you see her at the house, just tell her why you want no contact for awhile.
This is what I sent her, tell me what you think if you don’t mind:
And there’s something I need to say to you tonight. Don’t worry, it’s not going to be like the conversations we have been having. It’s a good thing. I’m sorry I haven’t been very understanding or patient and it’s unfair to you. I’ve been an emotional wreck and i need to learn to keep better control of my emotions. My actions have contradicted my words when I say how precious you are to me and how grateful I am to you. I’ve had time to calm down and think and I hope you’re willing to listen after these tense past couple days.
The note is fine. Since you already told her a lot in the note, don’t drag it out by starting a long conversation! Just let her know why you want no contact for awhile. Simple as that. Then maybe go out to get yourself something to eat or go in your room to pack or read or watch TV or whatever..
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