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Hello all,
My story is a bit of a doozy, but I’ll try to keep the synopsis as short as I can.
My ex-girlfriend and I met about 7 years ago at work. At the time, we were both going through bad divorces. As work colleagues, we both knew each other’s situations and we just talked about it as work friends (she has two children from her marriage). There was always a spark between us so inevitably we began to get flirty and eventually started dating. (she was 32 and I was 35).
We helped eachother through the ups and downs of our “crazy exes” and problems at work. About 4 years ago, she wanted to buy a house here. I wasn’t financially ready to buy a house but she said she wanted me to live with her and the boys. I moved in after she bought the house and contributed to half of the household expenses.
The trouble…….
It started about a year into living together. I suffered some bad PTSD at work which triggered a very bad bout of depression. I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life but not bad depression. I went off work and begun the long process of getting better. This put a lot of pressure on her. She tried to help me through it, but I think it reminded her if her ex husband. I began to feel guilty for being ill. So that ended up being a downward spiral. I also suffered male erectile dysfunction as a side effect of the depression meds I was put on. She began to see that as me not being attracted to her so I began avoiding her in the bedroom.
Eventually I began to come out of it. I stopped taking the main SSRI meds I was on as I noticed they were making me very flat. I stuck with one that only affects dopamine and have had wonderful results. But it was too late. She had built so many walls that we couldn’t be together as we once were. This spring, she said she wanted me to move out and that she still loved me and cared for me, but wasn’t “in love” anymore. She said she had to do what’s best for her children and herself.
The money……
After about a week, she confronted me and asked me if I was planning on going to a lawyer. I said I would rather not but I would like $20,000 as a small repayment of my contribution to the family household (side note: our law here protects common law spouses from what’s called ‘unjust enrichment’. Where as she has benefited unfairly from my contribution to the joint family venture). I totalled everything and had paid over $50,000 into the household in over 3.5 years. As well, the house has risen in value by over $60,000 since she bought it.
Anyways, she freaked out about it at first. But eventually agreed to have a separation agreement made and that she’d pull 20k from the home equity.
No contact……
After the initial back and fourth about separation, I let things gel. I communicated with her a few times but in regards to money or paperwork only. I used the time to go back to the gym (I used to body build) and gain my muscles back. I found another therapist and we’ve been making great gains sorting out my past and treating anxiety. I’ve gained my confidence back. I went on a few dates here and there with women. Just dates, no sex (weird I know… Lol). My ex has seen me around town, I wave and she waves. That’s been going on for about 2 months.
First contact……
So, I decided to make first contact two days ago and I used the “memory” method. I said I was at a restaurant with my family that I used to go to with my ex (which is true) and that it reminded me if her. Followed by “how are you doing?”
she said “Good for you. I’m doing very well”
I mentioned I saw her and her kids at the beach and they all looked well. It was good to see.
She said thanks etc.
I said “Awesome!” then I asked her about work etc. Then she said this.
“Lol ok well the only reason your being nice to me is bc your expecting something from me.
Dishwasher will be paid off. So please show common courtesy. I dont need you pretending to be nice.”That threw me off. But I kept my head and said.
“I’m not pretending. I know you’re an honorable person so I don’t doubt you in respects to the financial mediation.
I genuinely wanted to know how you’re doing and I do think of you. I haven’t been in contact with you otherwise because I needed that space to focus on improving myself, that’s all. I do owe you some apologies but this may not be the venue for that yet. I am sad to think you may be angry with me about things, but I do understand that and hope we can work past that one day”
Anyhow, she said she’s passed apologies. That she’s glad I’m on a good path. That she’s not angry, she’s just protecting herself. That there’s nothing to work past. Move forward, it is what it is.
After that was just two lines of small talk each and I left it by saying “it was nice chatting with you again. Hope we can chat again in the near future”
And that was that. I’m back to no contract again. But I’m unsure where to go next or how long to wait. She sounds very closed off and I know her well and she can put up some very thick walls.
Anyways, any advice here is welcome.
Thanks!
I think she is still processing some bad memories, sadly this means for you that you have to do no contact for a while longer. Her defences are way up, and those will lower after time.
@Jelloman – Sounds like she’s done with you, but wants to be nice. I don’t understand why you think she owes you any money. You benefited also by living in her home and you would have paid $50K or more if you lived by yourself. And while you were unemployed, I imagine she took over all the expenses. Usually two people in love who are living together share expenses and are happy to do so. Going back trying to get money if the relationship falls apart, isn’t honorable. Especially after only living together 3 1/2 years. Sorry, but to me, you sound like a greedy person.
You say you had PTSD? Were you ever in a war zone? It’s good that you sought professional help for your depression, but she doesn’t want to reconcile. Wonder if you’re back to work now and if you have your own apartment and supporting children of your own..
Like pepijn mentioned, your ex has bad memories and maybe the bad ones outweighed the good. Considering all factors, it’s my opinion you should try and move on if she continues to be adamant about no reconciliation. Contact will only serve to drive her further away. You can try no contact, but it might be best to let her live her life without you as she also has her children to consider..
She even said she accepted your apologies, but she wants you to move on.
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