Looking for advice

[pinco]

Hi, everyone, I’m writing for advice on this situation (sorry for my poor english, it isn’t my native language).

My girlfriend and I (F/F) have been broken up for a month (both 21 years and in a stable and happy relationship for 2 years).
The relationship has always been great, full of happy moments (we traveled in many cities together, made many experiences despite the young age), everything seemed to go perfectly until the last two months.
In September 2019 I spent a six-month internship, until February 2020, in which we saw only one week in November and for the Christmas holidays and everything was wonderful like always.
I came back from this experience and she tells me that she loves me but that it’s not like before (she tells me that usually being with me she was on another planet and now she’s happy, but not like before).
I panic and we spend all February to see very little and March to fight, until the beginning of quarantine because of the Coronavirus (we should have left together for a trip at the beginning of March, we were really lookinf for this trip and because of the virus was canceled). Until February everything was going well, we were going out like normally, she was fine with me (we went at dinner for her birthday, for the two year anniversary) and she said/demonstrated it continuously.

In March we did nothing but fight, the quarantine has led us to move even further and eventually to leave without even being able to see us.
Throughout the month she had been cold (always telling me that she loved me, but only as a response to my “I love you”) and I did not help the situation, coming back from the six-month journey very sad and confused about my life and clinging to her to seek confirmation and seeing her as the only positive thing in my life.
The last day of the relationship we talk normally and in the evening comes out the subject, she says that she loves me but it is no longer like before, that I deserve to be happy and she can not make me happy (it wasn’t unexpected as we talked about breaking up and never found the courage to do it).
We call each other on the phone and we cry all the time, she apologizes for hurting me, she says that I’m a wonderful person and that I deserve the best but even if she tried so hard she couldn’t pretend to love me like before, that she wants to keep up with my life if and when I want, that she wanted to be there next to me to make me feel good even though she was the cause of my pain.
All through February and March we met about ten times and we constantly talked about these problems, I couldn’t understand what she said to me and she didn’t understand why she felt this way towards me, accusing herself and crying all the time while I was trying to help her pretend that was all like before.

Immediately after the breakup I started the NC, today is a whole month that I do not hear her and I have no news of her, I am working on myself to feel good, solving the problems that I had and looking for my way in the world.
In a few days it will be my birthday and she will definitely write me, how should I behave? Is there any chance that things could pick up again? Was just a period of confusion? What do I do?

I should mention that in September she will move away from our city due to study and I still don’t know if I’m gonna go in the same city as her or I’m gonna stay in our current city. (I’m adressing this thing because I know she was very concerned about it and didn’t see a future for us as a couple in a distance relationship).

Thanks for all the advice 🙂

[pinco]

I forgot to add that she’s one of the most stubborn people I know and I think she’ll never contact me first because the last time we spoke she was genuinely sorry to make me feel bad.
She also added that it would be more correct to see and talk about it in person but because of Coronavirus could not continue to make me feel bad (I was constantly on the phone hoping she would write to me, ask me to call us and I was no longer finding the strength to do anything) for at least another two months and resolve this situation at the end of the quarantine.
She never explicitly told me that she no longer loved me, only that the love she felt was no longer the same as before and that she preferred to leave and break up with a good memory rather than continue something that would make us hate in the end.

[patricia12]

@pinco You were seeking confirmation, then became very clingy/needy and talking too much about the relationship. She needs space to collect her thoughts and reconsider her decision to break up with you, so I’m glad you started no contact a month ago.

If she contacts you on your birthday (by email, text, or a phone call), do not discuss the former relationship or the breakup. Be upbeat/pleasant and maybe say you hope to see her in person again after the quarantine is lifted to do something fun together and/or to have a calm discussion regarding the possibility of reuniting and what is would take to make it happen.

She’s leaving your city in September, but don’t go there just to be near her! You have a few months to try and work things out with her therefore: if you two reconcile you could both go to the new city.

Good luck

[pinco]

Thanks for the answer 🙂

I am following as much as possible the suggestions reported by the site, so it would also be appropriate to start to create a connection through the messages before seeing each other in person (which would be for mid-May, if not June)?

Sometimes I’m afraid that she actually moved on and that love won’t start again, as my friends are telling me to protect me from further disappointments.
Good day

[patricia12]

@pinco Your plan is okay. Don’t ever act or say anything in the future that would come across as needy and pathetic..

[pinco]

Update: yesterday was my birthday and she didn’t write me to wish me happy birthday, she just viewed the Instagram stories I posted without doing anything.

I do not know what to do and I have lost hope that this is a situation to be recovered.

[patricia12]

@pinco Sorry to hear she didn’t contact you on your birthday. You two were in a relationship for 2 years and that means something, so don’t give up all hope!

Next week send her a message (text or email) to ask how she’s doing or something simple like that.. but if she responds, don’t drag it out. Be upbeat.

Good luck and Happy belated Birthday:)

[pinco]

An update.

I wrote to her on a text, pulling out a positive memory and she immediately responded, apologizing for not contacting me on my birthday because she didn’t want to intrude or ruin my day. We talked a little bit about college, and I told her I wanted to see her and talk about what I realized in this two months apart.
She told me that she didn’t expecting, asked me what I thought, and that she didn’t think it was a good idea to see us. I explained that I had been thinking a lot about what had happened and I would like to tell her and listen to her thoughts, she told me that seeing us would not be a good idea because it would complicate things and would not help us.

She added that she didn’t want to hurt me, but neither did she want to start the process of getting better again, adding that she has only positive memories about me, but that she couldn’t see me now.
She said she’d want to hear from me in the future about how I’m doing and what’s new in my life because she care about me, but seeing me now would be hurting herself.

I asked her why she thought I wrote to her and she said that she thought I wanted to know how she was doing, that she liked to hear from me and that she would write to me in the future too.
She added that even this conversation upset her, that it’s too soon for her and she can’t handle the emotions she caused her; that she can’t go back to how she was two months ago because she’s trying to get better slowly and see me would make her panic.

I asked her how to behave to respect her spaces, she told me that in the future she’ll want to write to me to know how I’m doing and how it’s going, but it’s too soon now.
He wished me luck and the conversation was over.

This reaction left me shocked because I did not expect it but I never showed anger and I immediately said to respect her choices and that if she felt to do so she was right to do it (I didn’t tell her about the changes in my life, nor about the possibility that I would go to study in her own city in the future because I thought they would upset her even more).
I would add that this was not an abusive relationship on either side, either physically or mentally. It was a healthy, respectful relationship.
Now I need to focus on me and the things that make me feel good, I don’t think she’s gonna come back, and even if it makes me angry that she doesn’t want to talk to me in person, it’s only fair that she does what makes her feel better.

Thank you for your time.

[patricia12]

@pinco It sounds like she lost feelings for you, but isn’t sure why. Did she give you any other reasons for the breakup? She still cares and is concerned about you, but contact upsets her, so do not contact her! I’m sure all the discussions about the relationship and the arguing that took place Feb/March is still fresh in her mind. She will probably contact you, but apparently not anytime soon. If/when you two begin a conversation, you could tell her about the changes you’ve made, but do not talk about the possibility of going to her city! If you two reconcile, that would be the time to discuss it.

Don’t follow her to her city unless you two reconcile! If she doesn’t want to meet up with you or reconcile, do not show anger and don’t nag or beg! You will have to gracefully move on in that case.

Sorry you’re going through this as I know you must be heart-broken..

[pinco]

Thank you for your always kind words. 🙂

No, when we spoke on the phone, she didn’t give me any more explanations about the breakup, only that she loved me but no longer as before, that she didn’t know why and couldn’t understand why but that she was doing what she felt, and that I deserved a person who loved me 100%, while she was loving me not like before.

No, I won’t write to her because although I was shocked by such a sudden reaction (she seemed afraid of confrontation, afraid of me. None of my friends who knew us as a couple expected a similar reaction, even though they told me to forget her. Everyone, included me, expected her to take a confrontation in person, even to tell me we weren’t getting back together.), I care about her and I don’t want to do anything to hurt her.

The possibility of ending up in the same city is independent of getting back together or not, because my studies may have to continue in the same city (whether we are back togheter or not).

It hurts a lot to think that such an important relationship ended on the phone but I can’t live life waiting for a message from her, when she writes (if she writes to me) I will be very happy to talk to us and see what will happen. If it’s destiny we cannot do anything to control it.

Thanks again for your time.

[patricia12]

@pinco Don’t stress out about how she ended the relationship. The important thing to do now is not contact her until she initiates something! Keep us posted and good luck:)

[pinco]

No news, she hasn’t written me yet.
I posted yesterday a picture of me on Instagram (after months of not doing it) and she immediately put “like” on it, when I or my friends that she follows put stories on Instagram, is among the first people to see them.

I don’t understand this behavior but I’m still on NC.
Have a nice day 🙂

[patricia12]

@pinco Liking a post doesn’t mean much.. Continue NC!! It will upset her if you contact her and push her further away. Hope you’re enjoying your weekend:)

[pinco]

No news, she hasn’t texted me.
I’m afraid she’d move on and won’t write to me, but I’m confused by so many things that I just wish I had an answer.
Although I’m trying to distract myself, sometimes I remember some things that happened, like the fact that twenty days before she broke up with me, she asked me to see and book the summer holidays to do together.
I’m still confused by her reaction when I wrote to her (I won’t write to her again) because she seemed the victim of the situation and she actually appeared sad, but on social media she always seems so happy and enjoying her life.
I don’t know if she forgot about me or is trying to forget me, she hasn’t deleted me from her life (she still has our playlist on Spotify, our photos uploaded on Instagram) but she hasn’t contacted me.
I don’t know what to expect from the future.

[patricia12]

@pinco It’s only been 2 weeks since you two were texting and she said it upset her. She told you that in the future she’ll want to write to know how you’re doing and how it’s going, but it’s too soon now.

In your first post you wrote:”..coming back from the six-month journey very sad and confused about my life and clinging to her to seek confirmation So you see, in a sense she was a victim of the situation. She wanted to be happy in the relationship, but you made her unhappy. Too many arguments and asking her for confirmation of her feelings is like saying you don’t believe her and was needy/desperate..

You need to stop obsessing about the past! Such as prior to the breakup she asked you to book something for summer. Maybe she moved on, but you don’t know and to stress out about it only hurts you. I know it might be difficult, but try to stop stalking her social media.

Are you working or in school? Have a hobby? Family/friends? Focus on those things.

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