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Hi, I just realized that I’m Anxious-preoccupied. I hope it’s not too late to change for better and make this relationship work again.
My Fearful/Dismissive-Avoidant boyfriend of 10 months (we met online) went back home to the other side of the country (couldn’t get a job here so he had to go back home to take over his father’s business) and broke up with me after his 2-week drive home.
He moved here from another state and hoped to find better opportunities here. He was doing a degree online on top of his Masters and just until a month ago he was still looking for a part time job here. I live at home with my parents and he has his own apartment. I have work and it wouldn’t be convenient to live with him. But I spent almost all my days off at his place and we would always wanted to hang out with each other. We always hung out with each other during our free time. We never really have any serious fights. There were no signs of any problems.A month ago he went back home for a weekend and came back telling me he’s moving back home and we have to break up. He said he has to leave for his future. I was shocked. His father wants him to help him with his business as he’s retiring soon. As I said, he was still looking for a part time job here right before he visited home. It wasn’t planned. He planned to stay here and he never planned to leave. If he had stayed, we’d probably still be dating. He doesn’t want to do long distance and he doesn’t want me to move with him. And he said that relationship can’t survive anyway. (He’s had s relationships before dating me and all of them ended when 1 partner has to leave. I know he wants to be loved, but he doesn’t seem to have faith in relationships.) I refused, so we kept dating for another month. I told him how much I love him and how much he means to me and he’s irreplaceable. Then he said he felt undeserving of my love. I even helped him pack and move. Everything seemed fine and he even visited me the day before he left and we kissed and cuddled and still were together. Then he drove back home. When he broke up with me over the phone 2 weeks later, he told me that he has been thinking about breaking up ever since he decided to move back home. He told me he cried (didn’t let me know) because he’s sad that this relationship didn’t work out.
During his 2-week drive home, we barely talked and I was anxious and became extremely needy. He broke up with me once 3 days prior to the official breakup and the trigger was me yelling at him over the phone for not making time to talk. I texted him a lot for not making time to talk on the day of official breakup. He didn’t really respond (often ignored) to my texts and later just called me and broke up with me over the phone that night. He said he likes me but in the long run it’s better for us to break up now since he can’t live with me (said I’m overbearing & controlling) and there’s no point keep dating if we can’t eventually live together.
I asked to be friends and he agreed. I asked to visit him and he said I can visit and we’ll probably end up having sex if I visit him, but we won’t date again. He said we’re compatible in bed, but our personalities are not compatible. He said we fought too much (to me I thought I was just speaking louder). He said his feelings changed and doesn’t think we have a future together. He said I can’t move with him because I’ll have no friends, job, food I like and the weather sucks there. And he said he won’t ask anyone to move with him and he wouldn’t have stayed for anyone. He seemed to really care for me and cared about my future. He said he’s sorry that he wasted my time, but he also felt like he wasted so much effort on me. He admitted that he has own problems, too. He didn’t tell me what his problems are. He said he has to be the rational one and make the hard, but right decision for us. Does that mean he thought of the emotional decision of us staying together? I asked him what he meant by compatible and what he wants, but he couldn’t tell me. He told me he can’t do hook-ups and I’m welcome to come visit him for sex. And he said we’ll never get back together and he doesn’t want to give me any false hope. We’re still attracted to each other, but he doesn’t want to date me anymore. He told me to move on and get over him and not be obsessed with him. He even said that if I moved to where he lives (after my contract job assignment is done in 8 months), he’ll get a restraining order. I just don’t know why he’s so defensive even though I have never done anything abnormal in the past. I don’t know what got him to be so afraid of me…I have never threatened him or done anything crazy. I feel like he’s sending me mixed signals. Like he likes me, but doesn’t like me. This is confusing me. I think he felt defeated because he has to go back home (where he doesn’t like), but I don’t know how that contributes to our breakup.
**He gave me all these reasons why we have to break up and why I can’t move with him, but I just don’t know which one is the determining factor(real reason).. What do you think the determining factor was?The day after the breakup, I asked him to give me advice on 1st date because I was talking to someone online and we arranged a date. He gave me some advice. I went on the first date and it didn’t go well. I texted him asking about his life and sent him some pictures of me. He commented and asked about my date. I didn’t reply him till the next day an told him it went well. He wanted to know more about my date. I asked him what he wants to know. He didn’t reply. The next day I sent him a link to watch a show that I told him about previously. He wanted to know more details about the date. Then he told me to practice safe sex. I asked him why he’s telling me this, and he just thought this would help. Again, I feel like he’s sending me mixed signals again. It seems like he still cares..I got mad and told him that I cannot just forget all the memories we had and just move on quickly. I got emotional and ask him if he’ll be happier to know that I’ve moved on and if he just want me to quickly jump on another guy. He didn’t reply. We haven’t talked since then. I’m doing a 30 Day NO-Contact with him now.
I was thinking if I visit often enough, we might be able to transition from friends with benefits to lovers. But I’m also afraid that we might just stay in the friends with benefits zone forever (till he finds a girlfriend in his area).
**Please help! What can I do to make him want to be in a relationship (long-distance) with me again? I’m willing to move with him if we get back together. Will the 30 day No-contact work? Should I wait 30 days and see what will happen? Or is it better to get in touch with him to talk things out? Should I visit him? If I visit him, should I have sex with him or should I just kiss/cuddle? Will having sex with him attract him again and eventually bring us back together? How can I explain to him that I’m not crazy and we both have different attachment styles and this is something we can work on & it doesn’t mean we’re incompatible? I don’t think these “flirts/texts to get your ex back” on the internet will open him up, then how can I make him open up?
Thanks in advance! Really appreciate it!Greetings, Naive.
Well I took some time at your story in order to really think over the whole situation. I apologize in advance if I am too blunt, or if I may sound harsh, I’ve been through a terrible brake-up as well, with loads of mixed signals (which are not mixed at all if you put your mind at place).
Let’s go through parts, ok?
1- He really meant that he is over and he doesn’t want it anymore: once a guy comes to a rational conclusion, he really mean to follow this path. (I know this is hard as fuck, go and read my own story and you will see mixed signals – lol). If he meant to be with you right now, he would be. His mind is twisting, making rational choice over the fact that you both don’t live at the same place, that you both will eventually meet new people, that you are a young good looking girl. So, he is not caring about you in first place: HE IS CARING ABOUT HIM. This is not to say that all hope is lost. Far from that. However, accepting this fact and not wondering if he meant what he said will help a lot your next steps.
2- He is clearly attracted to you and only asked about your date because he misses you and he did not forget about you. This is good sign, showing that he is not so made up in his mind, but he is strongly convinced by his rational part that he took the right decision (things are not going well in life, he has no job, he has no option, he doesnt want to suffer). This is good, we can work with that.
3- He doesn’t want you to move in for 2 possible reasons: 1- he is ashamed that he could not guarantee your hapiness (which I think it is low probability); 2- He does not want to commit to what could be a marriage without the ring. If you moved in he would not be able to make this kind of out of no where decisions and he would be strained. Apparently he values his freedom at this point.
Conclusion: What should you do. NC, messages or whatever you may decide to do right now has to have a subtle and utter resolution of you: YOU WORTH, YOU ARE UNIQUE AND NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO PLAY WITH YOUR FEELINGS. Believe me, once he realizes you are not at his disposal, nor willing to play the game, once his freedom looses all the sparkles and he starts to miss sharing the way with someone, and yet you are there as a friend, but not at his disposal (going on with your life, not playing games, not waiting or anything) there is a high possibility that he will stop seeing a mere other ex girlfriend and think seriously about commitment.
This may take time and never happen (we never know). However, this is your best shot. Don’t contact unless you are contacted first. Keep the smile at your face and enjoy what you have now!
🙂
Well you deserve somebody that is ready to sacrifice. His moving to his father place is not the reason for breaking up. He has other problems. It is difficult for you now. But I think that all hope is not lost. Do not and I repeat do not go to him for sex. How mean. He wants you to go and have sex just for his fun. Please. Try to rebuilf your life. Leave a tiny window for him if anyday he wants to be back. But focuss on your self. Am an anxious person so I understand how you feel. But I have realised that when you go through what you fear most at the end you are even suprised why were affraid in the first place. Do not be affraid to be alone. It will be alright. If he does not want your help then give to yourself. You don’t knox it you need comfort and care. You are precious see yourself as such. Nothing bad will happen you will only be happy and free. You will enjoy it. It will be well. Please let him be. It is extreme to threatened somebody you love with a restraining order. But at the same time he wants sex with you. How crazy.
Update:
So I did no-contact for 21 days and started texting him casually (for about 2 weeks). He said he’s well and hope I’ve been well and I deserve to be happy.
And then I think we both started flirting. I said “You know you got me addicted, right? I blame you” (I was referring to the show he got me to watch). Then he said “yeah addicted to (emoji of hotdogs)”–suggesting I’ addicted to his..Then I flirted back the next day saying “Now I want some big salty juicy hotdogs”. He replied “perv”. I said “it’s your fault for bringing up hotdogs yesterday”. Then I asked “what class are you taking?”
He said “I might drop my class since I have a job now and it’s pointless. Still have a lot of stuff to unpack and move in. So tired of everything.”
I said “Well if you’ve moved in, I would love to visit your new place and I could use a weekend getaway :)”
He said “I don’t think it’s a good idea. If you visit, we’ll f**k all day. We’re not getting back together.”
And I said ” I just want to visit XXX. That’s all. You’re an important friend.”After he rejected the idea of me visiting him on Tuesday, today (Thursday, 2 days later) I read on the news that a hurricane is hitting Florida and texted “I hope you’re ok?”
He texted me 2 hours later “North Florida. I’m in the South. No impact here”
Then I texted “Haha. That’s good I guess? So did you end up dropping your class?”
Then no response.
Sometimes he texted back really quickly and would want to talk, other times he would just reply after a long time and didn’t seem like he wants to talk.
And sometimes he either ignored certain questions (like asking if he’s moved into his new apartment or if he dropped his class) or answer them after a long time.
Is he being protective of himself? Why so secretive?
His responses have been inconsistent. Don’t know why…
And he kept saying he’s tired of this and that and just tired of everything. He just doesn’t sound happy/enthusiastic about anything. Why is he so unhappy about his life? Working for his dad and will soon become his own boss?
Now I think I maybe I didn’t make him unhappy when we were dating..Maybe he’s just pessimistic? Is that his problem that he was talking about?
I’m just worried if I do no-contact again (I already did for 21 days), he’s gonna think I’ve moved on and it’ll encourage him to move on, too. If he doesn’t care about others that much, how will he be curious/or jealous? He’s so stubborn! What do you think Would he actually care again?Update:
Me: “Remember that episode Piper got a furlong and attended her grandma’s funeral/brother’s wedding? (I was referring to Orange is the new Black, a show he got me to watch with him)
It created a contrast where Piper has always listened to her father, but when she doesn’t for once, her whole life is screwed and people are all disappointed.”
Him: “So? Yeah I dropped it (he was talking about the class, since my last text was asking him if he dropped the class, but he didn’t respond right away till now”
Me: “But her brother has always been slacking and doing stupid things so no one really expect anything from him and hence no disappointments.
I think we’re kind of like Piper.
We’ve been obedient most of our life and sometimes when we don’t obey/conform for once, then people get really disappointed.
Always feeling like you have to meet other people’s expectations. I understand that feeling
My point is, don’t worry too much about meeting other people’s expectations. Just be yourself. I hope you’re not tired from forcing yourself to be perfect :)”
Him: “Ok thanks. I guess it’s stupid for me to do a bs in cs for no reason”
Me: ”[robot emoji] robot [my ex’s name]
I took time to reflect and I’m sorry I have too many expectations and you felt like you couldn’t make me happy. I realize I was happy. My expectations prevented me from feeling happy. Thanks for trying hard to make us happy.
You don’t need to hide your emotions and feelings. If you ever want to talk, you know who to come to 🙂 That’s all”
Him: “Thanks. I appreciate it”
Me: [Attached a Pic of a hotdog on a plate]
“Hotdogs coming to me [emoji of hotdogs]
Because I’ve been craving for them all week long [sticking tongue out emoji]
[Attached a Pic of BBQ table on the grass]
Labor Day BBQ at work [emoji of person wearing sunglasses]
Any event for Labor Day weekend?”
Him: “Nah. So dry”
Me: “What’s so dry?”
Him: “It has been raining at least once a day here since I got here. Looks so dry in CA. The ground”
Me: “Oh I thought you meant the hotdog [emoji-smiling face with open mouth & tightly closed eyes] my bad. I prefer juicy hotdogs. Must be really wet there [emoji of face screaming in fear]
Him: “Everyone gets wet when [my ex’s name] is around haha”I didn’t respond to his last text because I don’t want to give him the compliment he’s waiting for (probably waiting for me to say something like I’m horny because of him).
I think I should wait a few days till either Monday or Tuesday (2 or 3 days later) to text him, so we can hint him that I’m slowly moving on & maybe create sense of urgency/jealousy.
If he doesn’t respond, I’ll slowly reduce the amount of texts and frequency to create sense of urgency so that he knows I’m not gonna sit around and wait for him to change his mind.
-On Monday or Tuesday (next week), I’ll send him a poster of a movie I watched and say “How can I not think of you after seeing this movie?! But I still think Finding Dory is the best [next text] movie of the year [next text] at least for now” (we saw Finding Dory together, right before he left, and we had a very good time, touching each other at the theater. Hopefully this bring back some good memory. And he’ll get the hint that I’m using Finding Dory to refer to him and I’m saying that he’s still the best, at least for now, and if he doesn’t act soon, this might change).
-And send him a pic of me holding a plate of food at our favorite Korean restaurant (actually the restaurant we went to on our 1st date, and first place we met). Ask “Can you guess where I am?” Then say “You’re missing out on all the good food in CA! I’m eating it for you! [tongue stick out emoji] Sharing is Caring!”
–What do you think? That texting him intermittently can make him anticipate my texts? Do you think that he’ll get my subtle hints? Thanks!OMG, what are you 10 years old? The wording of your texts and the emoji stuff is childish and probably annoys him. He sometimes answers your texts because he’s trying to be nice and not hurt you any more than he already has by breaking up with you.. He broke up with you because he was moving far away, didn’t want you to move with him, and said you were overbearing and controlling. He also said he doesn’t want to be in a long distant relationship. All of these are valid reasons for not wanting to be with you anymore. He went so far as to say he doesn’t want you to move to where he is and if you do, he’ll take out a restraining order. You’re obviously obsessed with him and you want to get back together, but he doesn’t want to be with you. He’s made up his mind and won’t change it. Wonder why you don’t understand that? I know you’re sad, but please face the reality of the situation. And think about trying to improve your controlling tendencies and moving on.
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