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Ok so, I really feel like improving myself, getting more confident, and even get to a point where I accept whatever might happen, can be really key in getting back. Even if it does not happen, we will be more ready and not break down as much.
How do you distract yourself from the desperation?
What are your strategies?
What are you trying to improve?
If you were able to do so already, what did you improve and how? Give us tips.For me, I want to exude confidence, be less insecure. Being more attractive overall (change hair color?). More peaceful. I want to accept this situation as it is. Smile from within. I want to feel genuinely happy and at peace with everything and myself. Being able to go out without feeling depressed. Laugh and smile a lot.
Also I would like to make a solid education plan. Get a job. Gain 5 pounds.
I have about 2 and a half weeks of No contact left (we broke up 2.5 months ago). After that I plan on contacting him with some excuse and try to arrange a meet up. Also I will be writing a letter just in case. Maybe even two. And give him the one I feel would work better for the situation. Which can be that he still isn’t ready, or that he might really not want anything anymore. The other option doesn’t require anything, just that he comes back to my arms 😀
In case you want to read my story it’s in this thread: https://ebpforums.com/boards/topic/he-says-he-would-like-to-get-back-but/
Kaila think you are very strong person and willing.wish having half of your strength all though I am on 19 day of NC but every day I want to break the rule.
hi kaila,
i think they key is to set small goals that are measurable. for example, becoming more secure is a goal you will probably need to work at for years and it will be difficult to measure your progress in it.what helped me was setting, small specific goals that i could see myself accomplish. for example, work out for 60 minutes a day. or, force myself to go out with friends one night per week so i don’t sit home and wallow. is started small – with new recipes i wanted to try with cooking, with working out, with concentrating on getting good grades (im a grad student), and by forcing myself to try to get back on my regular routine because i was so thrown off for weeks and months and didnt feel like myself after the break up. something else that really helped that i still do is writing down 5 things every night that i was grateful for that day – things as small as going out for a cup of coffee to things as big as having wonderful family and friends. i would start small and not try to do too many things at once.
as for acceptance of the situation, it comes with time. I’ve accepted my situation now 5.5 months later but i think it took me until 4 months after the breakup to truly accept it. i think its something that comes with time and not talking. i also think its really really important to get rid of desperation before you reach out to an ex. they will see right through it. i think you will become less desperate the more you force yourself to focus on other things and the more time you wait.
for me, im honestly on the fence about whether or not we will reconcile or whether or not thats even the right decision for me. im not sure. i only got to this point through nc and forcing myself not to dwell – and it was really hard. but i think its KEY. i don’t scheme on how to get him back anymore. i am sure at some point we will discuss again but i think whats important is that I’ve accepted i will live a happy and fulfilled life either way. and honestly if we would’ve reconciled before i got to this point, it would have failed. i was too dependent on him for my happiness. I’ve now learned i can be happy either way. i dont NEED him. i also felt desperate – i would take whatever i could get from him and I’ve come to realize i wouldnt be happy in anything less than a committed relationship with him and im happy i haven’t settled for remaining in his life without commitment. i now value myself more than that. another key factor is that i held a lot of resentment after the break up. i don’t even think i realized i did because it was all hidden behind so much grief and desperation. but i did resent him for leaving and i wouldnt have been able to start over clean slate with those feelings. my resentment has faded over time though.
they key to letting go is to stay nc – personally i didnt start to feel better until i really kept it. the 2 and 3 week periods were excruciating for me. now that its been 6 weeks i feel so much better and I’ve succeeded in accomplishing many of the goals i set for myself. start small and make sure you can measure the goals youre setting. plus, reward yourself when you complete something. i treated myself to some new clothes after completing a month NC. it all just honestly takes time – a lot of it!
I find it hard to think I will be good without him either way. I was single for 3 years, met a lot of people. I can honestly say that no one I have ever dated comes even close to being the person I want in my life like he does. I am very picky. The fact I RUINED IT, just makes it even worse and not acceptable in my mind. If I ruined it, I can fix it.
I guess that means I am depending on him to feel happy. But because I truly feel I ruined everything with the greatest guy I have ever met… That he has so many great qualities and also just the way he makes me feel, the togetherness he makes me feel… Sometimes a guy might have many qualities, but be too much of an air head, too cocky, too…. I don’t know what. But with him I feel good, I feel we really connect…
I don’t know how to get over these feelings… If we could try again, I know I would be in the right place to make it work now, and then without those problems, we could see if it could really work out between us in a longer term. Then I could accept if it didn’t work out and try to move on… I do think somewhere in the distant future I would be able to find someone. But I don’t want to give up this, so I just can’t bring myself to accept this. I accepted the break up at the time. I was calm, didn’t fret in front of him. I actually felt at peace. That taking some time off was the right thing for us and for each of us individually. Now that the time is passing by and I feel I overcame most of my issues inthe relationship, now it’s hard to accept we might not get back. But I do accept we broke up.
@geodj, you are the strong one! You see her many times, and you kept no contact! I don’t know how you do it. And you said you were having fun last time. I can’t go out and have fun for more than an hour… I just hope his friend didn’t see me cry.
i think its very, very important to recognize you can be happy without him. maybe happier with him, but its essential to know you can be happy on your own too. because i think its too much pressure for someone else to be the source of your happiness. its fine if you reach a point where you feel happy and content and realize you were happier with him in your life, but i think the mentality of thinking you will only be happy if you get him back is unhealthy.
i also think you need to stop blaming yourself! you didnt lie. you didnt cheat. so you were a little insecure – we live and we learn. im a firm believer in it takes two to tango – it always takes two people to lead to the demise of a relationship. your ex could have communicated and tried to work through things but he chose to walk. its great you recognize your mistakes and want to work on them but don’t think you ruined things. it always takes two.
i think acceptance isn’t so much about the break up or about not trying again. its accepting that you cannot control, change, or manipulate anyone else’s feelings. I’ve accepted this. i still love my ex just as much as the day we split up. i would love for him to call me and tell me he wants to try again. but I’ve accepted that this is his decision and i need to respect that. I’ve accepted that no letter i write or no promises i make can really change the situation. the only way that we will successfully reconcile is if he realizes he wants to be with me. thats what acceptance means. I’ve accepted i love him and probably always will, that i don’t know if i will ever find someone as compatible, but I’ve accepted that i simply cannot change his decision or his feelings through my actions. i think acceptance comes from within. forgive yourself from your past mistakes, remind yourself yorue worthy of love, and let go of the past relationship. if you haven’t forgiven yourself for the past relationship (which you haven’t if youre still saying you ruined it), then you haven’t let go yet.
Maybe I should rephrase… I think I can be happy on my own. I have done so for the past 3 years. But I don’t think I will without him in my future. To be happy in the long term. And I don’t know if I can without him. I am still not in my middle twenties. But a few more years, I want to settle down. At that time I think I will stop being happy by myself. I will want to be with someone. And that someone I want to be there is him. So that is why I feel like I can’t be happy without him in my future… Don’t know if it made it any better or different then what I said… I am all confused…
There are days, or moments rather, that I get really angry and feel like I can move on, because it’s like now HE is the one ruining things, not me anymore. I am doing all that I can other than scheming everything, begging, pushing him, insisting… But then I remember I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t used to be vulnerable. I got together with a great guy, I loved him so much and liked him so much as a person I got scared and did all of those mistakes. If it wasn’t for that he would probably want to get back already. But if I have pressured him in the relationship why would he want that back… But I know I did good to him too. I know he wanted something relaxed. I know he was together for a short time and was on a shorter fuse due to all that. That he left. Without first telling me “i am not feeling well and I don’t think I can’t handle this much longer” to give me a last chance to change, even though he says he doesn’t like ultimatums. And that ultimately, I am here. I love him. I have problems and didn’t know any better at the time. I do think I deserve a second chance and that I would never waste it and do the wrong again. And even then he is acting like this. That does piss me off and makes me want to blame him now, that he is the one messing up now.
well i think the first thing to do is to stop blaming yourself and also stop blaming him. he didnt have an obligation to stay to fix things. if he wanted out, he had every right. i felt the same way after a break up for a long time. my ex and i kind of got complacent. after 7 years we were in a bit of a rut and i guess the spark faded a bit. he had started a new, very demanding job and i started my masters program and was completely overwhelmed with schoolwork. we hit a rough patch. i wanted to work through it. after 7 years i figured we would work through anything, but he didnt want to. i was really angry at him for a long time because of this. i felt like he should’ve worked through it with me. but he didnt want to and that is his right.
i will be 23 next month, so im also not a point where i am contemplating marriage right now, but i know in another 2-3 years i will start thinking about it. something that this whole process has taught me is that you need to live in the present moment and not worry about the future. my ex and i could reconcile in a few months and end up married. or a year from now i could be dating someone even more wonderful and never think of my ex. none of us know or can predict the future so its best to just live in the present. we can spend all our time imagining, hoping, and predicting the future but none of us know what will happen.
i think a huge part of acceptance also comes from living in the present moment. i have accepted that my ex doesnt want to be with me right NOW. i don’t know what he or i will want in the future. its less overwhelming to think of the now. don’t think about what may or may not happen. tell yourself he doesnt want to be with you NOW so what can you do to be happy in the present? this mindset helped me immensely.
Thank you atea… I will be sure to reread your posts to let me get through it and try to accept things as they are now. You are awesome. And so mature. Congratulations.
The next thing I need to work on my are my insecurities. With him having a stable job and all what could be minor insecurities, got worse. I love that he made me want to really focus on my studies and career instead of traveling and living abroad. I am older than you and have no college degree. No money or financial support, or even moral support from my family to pursue it. I want to go to college yesterday. And unless I go to some other course, I might not be able to go next year even. But I know no one can really tell me anything to help me… I need to find any way I can and once again forgive myself for letting myself go and delaying everything…
thanks for your kind words! i know how difficult it all is and believe me i still have my random moments where i burst into tears and my ex is still on my mind for the majority of the day. its really hard but i think the reason i was so unhappy and desperate initially is because i was living my life based on what would improve my chances and what he was thinking when and how i could get him to change his mind. i didnt start to feel better until i really went nc – not to manipulate him – but for my own sanity. because now i focus on me and not on him. i still think of him but of myself more.
focusing on your studies and a career sound like two great goals for right now. make one of your goals to research different college programs. even if you can’t go for another year, making plans towards furthering your education will make you feel more secure within yourself. this is something that comes from within. don’t dwell on the past because you can’t change it. focus on how to be happy in the present and what you can do to secure a better future for yourself.
i think one thing thats helped me a lot is the ability to compartmentalize my break up. at first, i thought my whole world ended when my ex left me. it took me some months to realize that he wasn’t my whole life – just a part of it. i am very happy in virtually all other areas in my life. im working towards my masters at a great school, have my own apartment in a big city, have the most amazing family, ran a marathon, and have the greatest girlfriends in the world who have helped me through everything. i feel very lucky. what you should focus on are the areas in your life you can control. once i started appreciating my girlfriends and not wanting to burden them with always being miserable about my ex, i started to have fun with them shopping, partying, hanging out, doing whatever. i also really threw myself into my schoolwork and ended up with a perfect GPA the first semester. i can’t control what my ex wants and feels but i have all these other areas in my life that i can control and so do you. you can find a job and you can further your education. you can make new friends and get into sick shape. you can learn to cook and make plans to travel. focus on those things and the rest will fall into place.
i also feel like i need to clarify that I’ve given up on my ex. i haven’t. i just recognize in my situation, these 5 steps wont work. they may for other people, but my ex wanted real and significant time apart and to date other girls, so the only thing that will work in my situation possibly is space and time. i know there is a very real possibility that he will never be back. but i still have a glimmer of hope that he will be. i know in time i will be really honestly ok if he doesnt come back but that being said, its not like i plan on never speaking to him again. my plan was to go 3 months nc so we could have some real time apart to evaluate whether or not our lives were better together or apart. we have been broken up for almost 6 months now. i have a birthday in about 6 weeks which will be almost exactly 3 months nc so im kind of anticipating him reaching out then and taking it from there. if he doesnt reach out or is cold and short, i will continue nc. but if he calls and i feel like he is interested in catching up and discussing things, i am open to it. but again, its hard to plan until i see what happens.
I wanna be where you are, in a state (or at least near) of pure acceptance, its horribel getting there, Im still on the journey there, but glad to see there is hope at the end of the tunnel.
@kaila I feel the exact same way. I know I can make myself happy but I know that my ex is what made me happiest. I also blame myself very much, which I understand I should try not to, but I was the one that treated her wrong. She was there for me and improved my life so much and all I cared about was myself. So many people tell me that I will learn from this for the next relationship, but I don’t want to learn lessons to be with someone that I don’t love as much as my ex. Yesterday my friend said something that really scared me. Him and his ex broke up about 6 months ago and he has been with a new girl for a little over a month, last night he looked at me and said he’s not happy and that his standards are too high because of his ex. I’m so scared that I found the best I will ever get and I ruined it.
May I ask what masters are you taking, just out of curiosity?
I would really like to go for management or maybe marketing. The thing is both require math and I am awful at it. There is the math exam in two months. But there is no way I can do it. He is studying to take that same math exam and go into engineering. Now that I think of it he said he could send me some stuff for me to look at, and he didn’t. But I didn’t ask for it so yeah.
I could go for business communication or something as the exam is economics or native language but I don’t think that is what I really want. It could be a good alternative for me to then move to another course the following year more easily so maybe that is worth considering. I don’t feel happy with basically any area of my life. So there is a lot of improving and focusing to do eheh. But you are totally right. I need to focus on eating, having a good meal plan to gain weight. Research college programs and all. Keep going to the gym 4 times a week (my gym friend isn’t going with me anymore two of those four so I really need to not let myself miss the gym). Work on my relationships with my friends. Meet some new ones. Learn to enjoy going out more. Also meditating, and doing things I like doing. Reading. Getting a job is crucial. There is a lot to do 🙂
About going out, I really don’t feel like it much… I think maybe I will give myself another week to just be and then I will start going out and be more lively for sure. I always make myself go out. And I know if I don’t I kind of feel bad. But I don’t feel good going either. If someone has attractive plans I might go. But to go just for the sake of going meh. Maybe tomorrow, today I am not feeling like it.
I do feel like he likes me a lot. I know he really loved me. And I hope he still does. I know I made him feel like he hasn’t in years. I know I was always there for him. His friends liked me and I think his family too. I enjoyed doing stuff with him. He hated when I used to say I didn’t need anyone. He turned to me like, so, you don’t need me? And I said, no, I don’t need anyone. This before we broke up. I said it again a few weeks ago. I said “I don’t need anyone! I don’t care about that. I just really believe we can work out”. I felt like he needed me. He put so much of himself into the relationship. Honestly if I truly moved on and didn’t wanted to get back I think he would reconsider all this very fast. But I don’t want to be fake. And risk him giving up for good for something that is fake. But I do feel like we would totally work out. And now I wouldn’t demand so much of him. I would give him his time more. I would feel safe in the relationship. Whenever we were together it would feel great because there weren’t any more uneasy feelings, no more demands. And we wouldnt be together everyday like before so yeah. I hope he also thinks things can be this great. If he ever does, I do think he will want to try again. I don’t know how long I will be willing to get back for. The thought of it being 3 months since breaking up makes me feel sick to my stomach already. Bah… but… if anything, time will pass anyway. So I don’t think I should put a full stop on it and tell him “ok, I can’t do this anymore. if you still don’t want to get back I am moving on…”
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