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Me and my ex? (I’m not sure what to label us), have been in somewhat of a reconciliation phase the last month and a half. I love her so much and she (says) she loves me just as much. We’ve been very close for about 12 years now since 8th grade. We’ve tried a relationship before and it didn’t work because of something drastic happening to her in which she distanced herself from any and everybody. However this time we told each other we’re going to make this work.
She told me she couldn’t wait to spend the rest of her life with me and to have a future with me. She told me I make her so comfortable and confident and that she wouldn’t change that for anything. This is all in the reconciliation phase before we made it official we were back together. Then something clicked and I had a feeling something changed and wasn’t right.
A couple days go by and she sends this message:
Okay so. Here it goes… I’m coming to you as a friend because we established we weren’t gonna keep secrets and we are friends before anything. I love you to death! And that has never been a lie however… i think right now I’m being really selfish. Right now i can’t love you the way you love me and i can’t expect you to love on me and wait hand and foot until i can because that’s not fair. Now, I’m not saying that I’m cutting you out of my life AT ALL, i want you to be my friend… my best friend. However as we keep playing house and “relationship” i can’t say that I’m truly happy because I’m not… and it’s not that I’m not happy with you, I’m just not happy in general and that’s very problematic because I’ve been trying to make myself happy for you…. I’m still putting myself last instead of being honest but I don’t want this to be negative and i don’t want to hurt your feelings which is why I’m telling you now because you’re ready to be in a relationship and I’m FAR from ready and i don’t know when I’m going to be ready.. it could be a month, some weeks, a year i don’t know. And honestly i don’t want to keep dragging you along because that’s gonna hurt you in the long run because what if I’m never ready. I really love you and i always will but I’m not sure if I’m exactly in love at this exact moment. I hope you understand that and i still want to spend days with you and talk to you, etc i just don’t want to keep stringing you along because that’s selfish and i don’t want to be that.
The relationship she had before we tried again was abusive the guy she was with beforehand put his hands on her, Her mom is battling with a tumor growing in her head, and she’s been stressed about going back to school. So I know she has been battling a lot when it comes to her happiness but always told me it’ll always be an us and she wanted me by her side while she faces these issues.
She told me she wants to be with me but told me not to wait on her… I do love her and had every intent to marry her but I can’t deal with the uncertainties because that’s a lot of heart ache. I told her I’m going to do what makes me happiest and what I feel is the best decision for me. (I didn’t confirm or deny waiting) but I know the everyday texting, calling, I love you’s, spontaneous outings are just going to be an occasional generic “checking on you” text down the line and that’s what I’m trying to avoid.
Should I continue with trying to reconcile or should I let it be and start a no contact period and hope one day she comes back? I need some type of guidance
I made the mistake of not following they with No contact and texted her asking about her mom and a couple times after that. I’ve been the only one initiating contact. What should I do now?
This situation has been going on for more than a year and a half! She’s not interested in a romantic relationship with you, but is perfectly happy to keep you dangling like a puppet if you will accept a friendship. Show her what it’s like to lose you as a friend and a lover by not contacting her for any reason! Isn’t is obvious that she’s not interested in reconciliation? Stop obsessing about her, take time to grieve, and get on with your life. You’ve tried, but it’s not working.. Face the facts like a mature person would and try to understand that life can be happier if you stop being her puppet.
She is trying to make you just friends so that she can try other options and keep you as a backup plan in order to avoid feeling the consquences of the breakup. Nobody ever comes back to the backup plan. There are always more options. She will beable to slowly ween herself off you and you will be the one hurt.
Make it clear that you are not interested in a measly just friends. She meant more than that to you, and if you don’t mean more than that to her then you won’t waste your time with her. Then go and stay completely no contact.
There is a good chance that once she feels your absense long enough she will decide this isn’t what she wants and contact you. No contact is your best path forward as it will also help you see things clearer and find yourself again. It will make you attractive and confident to your ex and any other woman. Know your worth. Your are too good for a measly “just friends”. She should know that, too.
If she contacts you, keep the conversation casual and keep your emotions under control. Do not tell her you love her and miss her, or want her back.
Your post is long, so I am answering in segments.
Her “I am not ready to be in a relationship.” line is a crock. She will likely be dating soon, if she isn’t already. Never take these kind of letters at face value. While you are waiting for her to be “ready” you will suddenly be crushed when you discover that she is in a relationship and won’t even talk to you as “just friends” anymore. Why? Because you served your purpose in helping her move on without feeling the loss of your relationship. Once she finds the next long-term boyfriend, she won’t need her “friend” anymore.
I think no contact is the way to go to be honest. I would let her know you understand and respect her decision and project security and confidence by letting her see what’s its like to actually get what she’s asking for, which whether she realizes it or not is losing you from her life because I don’t see how it could go on long term as as she’s describing. The way I read it she’s unsure, and while she may feel guilty about stringing you along in my opinion that’s exactly what she’s doing by saying she still wants to spend days with you. She wants that part of being with you, she wants the support and the attention but she doesn’t want to be responsible for giving any of it back. I say this not to be mean in any way, I think you have a great shot of getting her back but in order to do that you’re going to have to do the hardest thing which is going no contact and giving yourself space to heal and her time to miss you.
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