I need some advice please!

[Anni]

@patricia12 Thank you for your answers! It really helps to see the view of someone who isn’t involved (friends, family) and it helps me to clear my head everytime. I tend to panic easily in situations like this when I don’t know what’s coming, it’s a weird feeling. I try to calm down and take day by day. Thanks again!

[Anni]

Patricia, I got weak. And I made a huge mistake to ask him why he wrote me and then I got so upset and told him that I am okay with working on myself and no contact but that I’m not okay with throwing everything away we had. I feel like I’m going away to begging when I don’t want to, I’m so stupid 🙁 All the past two weeks were for nothing. He just told me he only contacted me because I told him that I would check in and he was confused that I didn’t. Because he is fine with no contact. I wasn’t ready for contact at all.

[Anni]

UPDATE: He snapped…he went cold again and he asked why did I bring this up and that he misses me but also knows he is sad but never as sad as he was in the relationship. And that I should accept that he doesn’t want a relationship anymore with me. It almost killed me to hear that… I just said I accept the break up and that I want to continue on NC and said bye. I shouldn’t have done this. I was so weak and saw he was online and had the question in my head and then just asked. I wasn’t ready for conversation at all ? And today I started using tinder and I think that made me so emotional because I felt I wasn’t ready to meet new guys.

I’m going back to NC now and will contact him next on his birthday but I feel like I’ve lost him. I cannot make him see what I see, that we had bad moments but many more good ones and that if we work on those(on ourselves) we could be a great couple. I don’t know why he cannot see this.
I feel like I start at day 1 again now.

[patricia12]

@Anni – OMG! I can’t believe you asked him “why he wrote” you. I can’t believe you said you’re “not okay with throwing everything we had away”. Of course he snapped! And he asked why you brought it up.. I’m wondering the same thing. You put pressure on him and caused a lot of drama. You knew you should’ve taken things slowly, but your emotions got out of control. I do understand that sometimes our emotions drive us to say or do things we regret, but please don’t feel too badly about it. You were right, you just weren’t ready or strong enough for contact yet. But please believe that over time you’ll be able to gain more control over your emotions and actions!

I’m so sorry this happened and you must have been devastated that he said he doesn’t want a relationship with you anymore. I had suggested waiting until Wednesday and just send the mandala. If you haven’t sent it already, don’t send it. Yes, start no contact over again and you could extend beyond 30 day if you feel you need to. What day in December is his birthday? You could send a simple Happy Birthday greeting and that’s it. His depression probably has a lot to do with how he responded and what he said might not even be how he feels deep down inside about you. What about his therapy.. is he continuing with it or is he on any medication for depression / anxiety etc..? I know you have high hopes for the way things could be, but he needs to get stable first before a possible great relationship together could occur in the future.
Don’t give up hope:)

[Anni]

Yeah Patricia, I cannot believe it myself… I just felt very emotional. I shouldn’t have written him at all. And to be honest I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to him again if it always brings up those kinds of emotions. I’ll see. I need to concentrate on my studies now and I won’t wait around for him. Of course there will always be hope but I don’t think until he is not realizing that I’m not the monster who tried to pull down the whole relationship and that his mind played many tricks on him during that (and of course the communication caused by the depression), he won’t give me another chance. And that’s okay. Because I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is blaming me all the time when they have a depressive period in their life.

I will continue with NC, his birthday is on day 25 from now on, I’ll send the game and the card but with a simple Happy Birthday from Anni, that’s it.

As far as I know he had his last one to one session with his therapist about two weeks ago and before he told me he didn’t want to bring up the break up because it would cause too much discussion in his last session. When I suggested he could book more sessions with her before group therapy started he declined. And I’m not sure if he will talk about it in group therapy either. I for example go to group therapy to work on my anxieties and then I went to a few one to one sessions now too to talk about the break up and understand my ex and his illness better too. I don’t think he will talk to anyone to be honest which makes me sad. He will maybe mention to his friends how toxic I and the relationship was from his point of view but maybe not even that.

He got so sad during the past year because he got confronted with his emotions and talking about it openly with a person who was as close as he never let anyone before so I think now he will just shut down because he thinks it’s a bad sign maybe because of everything what happened. I hope he finds his way because I care a lot for him as a friend too.

He is taking antidepressants but I’m not sure if they are the right ones…

In the end of the day I always ask myself: Can it all be the depression? Isn’t it maybe all my fault that he got so bad and I’m really the monster? Of course I cannot think like this and I push those emotions aside. But it’s a tough topic to deal with.

[patricia12]

@Anni – Jealousy of him and unfounded fear of losing family and friends can possibly destroy a relationship if you harped on those things. I’ve read a lot of threads and the number one cause of break ups seems to be arguments. No contact will give you time to reflect on your part in the break up and to improve yourself in those areas. Hopefully he will open up more in group therapy because others will maybe share stories similar to his own. You’ve suggested also talking more about relationship dynamics and problems with the group, so maybe he will.

I hope therapy is helping you with your anxiety and glad to hear you will be focusing on your studies too. I guess you’ve let him know all what was in your mind and heart since the break and it always feels good, like a kind of relief or release to do so. And at that point, it can’t do much more harm. Honesty is the best policy is one of my favorite things:) Take care of yourself Anni, you seem to have a good grasp of the situation and I pray all will turn out well for both of you..

[Anni]

Thank you Patricia! I really appreciate your advice.

Yes my jealousy comes from fear to losing people around me and my insecurities which I am improving and feel already more confident with myself and my body. Once I’m out of bed and not sick anymore (which doesn’t help to not get so emotional I guess) I will hit the gym, too to feel even better.

One thing that I always tried to not think about and that cause the jealousy towards my ex too was that he was texting me throughout more than half a year (before we finally met up one year later) while he was seeing 1 or 2 girls during that time. I trusted him and knew he wouldn’t do anything in that direction to hurt me. The jealousy or feeling of loosing him wasn’t rational at all. I really hope I get over that through therapy and also by working on myself.

I didn’t let him know everything because I thought it was unfair to bring up negative feelings again. I wrote him an E-Mail saying why I started NC and why I want to continue for both him and myself.

In the end everything happens for a reason and I believe in faith. If we stay good friends, we will stay good friends, it is what it is.

Thanks so much again Patricia, much love to you too!

[Needhelp123]

A few months ago, my ex and I broke up because I was addicted to a online chat.. and he didn’t like it cuz guys were giving me attention and tbh it just wasn’t healthy..

I begged him, and did everything what I shouldn’t have done, when I was ready to give up.. he came back. It took 3 months to get him back.

U still have a chance, even tho it seems like u don’t have a chance after what happened.
Concentrate on yourself for now, he will do his part. (;

[Anni]

Wait, you are the same girl I was giving advice to in the other thread aren’t you? So you got your ex back already ones? 🙂

The problem is that I decided to go on a break my relationship before because I wanted to make up my mind. After a few days without talking he came back begging for me but I think this time it might really be over for good. I’ll see. I concentrate on myself and see how he will react when I contact him in the middle of December. I decided to send the present when the 30 days are up (a few days after his bday) so it’s not too late to wish him a happy bday or an early merry christmas.

[Needhelp123]

Yes I am the same girl haha
And yea I already got him back ones, plus the reason for our breakup then isn’t the same as the one now.. so I hope he knows that if I did it ones.. I can do it again?

I dont know.. I like to think that if people really love you, they will come back.
SO even tho u rejected him back then, maybe it’s his anger talking?

Just like my ex, he needed 3 months to calm down and forget about everything that had happened when we broke up back then.
Guys have a hard time too.. he told me once that guys don’t talk about their emotions like girls do so when they are going through a breakup it takes everything to get over it.. because they don’t allow others to help them.

Like u told me, stay positive and work on yourself. The rest is upto him. (:

[Anni]

@patricia12

Hello again,

so three weeks later and I am back again. What has happened meanwhile:

My ex decided to add ten new girls each week on facebook so I removed him from my friends list but made sure he can still see when I update my profile pic for example. Removing him helped me so much to focus on myself! I had my weak moments still but I’m in a good state of mind now I think. It still hurts me that he chose to go back to his old habits of meeting a lot of new girls and sleeping around (he did that before when he was depressed and it made him worse, that was before me) but on the other hand it could be a sign of filling the void and also I don’t know if he really slept with any of the girls or wherever he met them.

I recovered from the flu (during the time I almost lost 5kgs cause I was only eating soup, I was sick for almost 4 weeks). I started eating well now again and I have picked up dancing lessons again (4 different classes each week), I made new friends at group therapy and went out with them a few times and I keep myself busy with uni work, meeting friends or spending time with my family. I also started talking to a really nice guy and we gonna meet up either this or next week.

So I’m writing in here now because my NC is almost up and my ex’s birthday is in two days. I wanted to send him a present in the beginning but I listened to you Patricia and also to the advice of my friends and will not send it but will write a short letter. This is what the text will be:

“Hi Moon(my nickname for him),

I wish you a happy birthday and hope you have a nice day with your family, friends and (his cats’ names).
I thought of you the other day when I was out with some friends and had a drink that reminded me of the drinks you and (friends name) mixed over the summer. Hope you are fine.

my name”

What do you think? I have told him before that I’m sorry about the things that has happened and I also told him I accept the break up so I thought there wasn’t any need of it anymore.

On one hand I am scared to contact him because he treated me bad and hurt me a lot but on the other I feel that I’m ready. I’m not sure how the experiences of you guys were shortly before contacting them? I am scared I can ruin my chances of getting him back even more now but on the other hand I already have lost him and I cannot lose him more.

[patricia12]

@Anni – I’m glad you recovered from the flu okay:) Glad you made some new friends in group therapy and enjoying dancing lessons. Hope you’re doing well at university too. I think it’s great that you’ve been talking to a really nice guy and will be meeting up with him soon! You deserve to be treated well.. always remember that! Your note to the ex sounds fine. You’re correct, no need to apologize again. You’re ex going back to the same pattern of getting involved with other girls must make you feel very sad. This guy has hurt you so many times and I feel upset for you. Maybe he will never change his flirty ways or recover from his depression and if that’s the case, there would only be much more heartache ahead for you. I think I’m secretly hoping thing work out with the “nice” guy, lol. Take care of yourself and my best wishes for your happiness.

[Anni]

Hey Patricia,

So a little update: I messaged my ex before he got the letter to tell him I wanted to finish this chapter of my life and find some closure with some questions that were going on in my head. I knew once I dropped the letter in the mail box, that I wanted to concentrate more on myself and that I am happier without him at the moment even if I miss my best friend (if that makes sense).

So when he answered he said it was good that I wrote him before the card arrived because it would have been too much for him if he didn’t know about it (he got the card before he said that). He also told me that with some of the girls he is just friends, with some he would flirt or make out. He told me he made out with them because he was so terrified I’d want him back if I saw he didn’t move on. He started going off with them two weeks after he said “I love you” to me and had sex with me when I was in Ireland to find closure. He also said me coming that weekend was torture for him and he’d rather hung himself or really thought he’d jump in front of a car while we were on walks and discussed about the break up. And he also said he was being forced to be nice that weekend (even tho I didn’t force him to anything, not to say I love you to me and he even got angry, that I didnt say it back, nor that he says I miss you so much all the time and to be the sweet guy I met in the beginning) He did all those things on his own that weekend. Before I came he was hot/cold with me and one day he would say: no, don’t come, you ruin my life.The other day he would beg me to come. That was less than two weeks after the break up and he told me we could decide about the break up after the weekend. He also said he is not ok with me moving to Ireland (I just got the big news yesterday and will start in the design studio I was interning for before but I had those plans even before I met him) but that he “has” to be ok with it and hopefully be ok with it until I move there.

Long story short, it’s my fault he is this person he is now (in his eyes) and he truly believes I’m the reason of his depression. I know I did many things wrong but I know I’m not the monster he is describing and I really have no idea how someone I cared so much about has such a wrong image of the reality.

Yesterday he had a clear moment for the first time these days and he told me how hurt he was that he made out with these girls and that he was sorry and that he is suffering as much as me because I meant a lot to him. And then he showed me a new beat he made and told me that I would like the new song he made an that I should check it out.

Patricia, I’m feeling I’m getting insane. I don’t know what to believe anymore about myself or him or our relationship we had. I thought I loved a sweet guy and not someone who could hurt me so much.

I definitely know I do not want him back for now. I still think we could have been a great couple but I think too much has been destroyed between us and his image of me is so wrong that I cannot try to get him back in a few months.

I will have my first date with that guy on Saturday btw. 🙂 I’m excited but also scared that I’m not ready to date yet and that I’ll start crying or something.

[patricia12]

@Anni – When he said he made out with other girls because he was terrified you would want him back if you saw he didn’t move on is a RIDICULOUS excuse! And the part about rather to hang himself or jump in front of a car, the weekend was torture, and he was being forced to be nice, all more ridiculous immature things to say. This guy has problems and you’re better off without him. Don’t think back to the way he used to be, it’s over. Think about the way he treats you now and how much hurt it causes you. Imagine your agony of his continuing to blame you for the way he is and for his depression. Then he says sweet things, but they’re only words. Maybe he is passive / aggressive or has a bipolar disorder. Something is very wrong psychologically with him and you can’t fix him. The good you remember of the past is over and you have to consider your future. I pray the date will go well and try to be strong and enjoy yourself. Congratulations on getting the job working in the design studio! When you get to Ireland, please be sure to meet and go out with normal guys. Someday you will find someone who is more compatible with you and you will be happily in love again:)

[Anni]

Thanks for your answer Patricia. Yes, that is true. I find all of this so unfair. Like I am going to therapy (besides my group therapy) to deal with how he treated me when he should be the one seeing someone at least twice a week to fix his idea of reality.

I just hate that someone I cared so much about hates me so much that he cannot even stand the fact that I will be living in the same city as him. And I am afraid of seeing him on the streets and how I will feel if I see him with another girl. It’s like those past one and a half years were a lie and I was loving someone who I didn’t know at all.

He also told me as an answer to my E-Mail the other day that he wanted to break up for months and he couldn’t go through it because he was too weak and that was his fault. But the month before the break up he was so different because he was depressed. Every time I asked what’s wrong or if I can do anything to make him feel better or change something about me he said it’s not the relationship it’s just the constant feeling of being down. Why does he have to say that all of that was my fault now? When it was clearly something that was going on inside of him. I cannot understand how someone can have a picture like that and call me manipulative and controlling when I tried everything possible to help him and I couldn’t in the end.

[Author]

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