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I guess essential what I am saying is, going through this has gotten old, tiresome and dragged out. If things could workout it would be worth it, if not, I don’t want to put myself through this. I want to be at peace and accept the reality of the situation. Am I setting myself up for more heartache? I’m tired of wondering, being sad, having anxiety, hanging on to hope when it’s not there. I just want to enjoy the rest of the summer.Sorry to post twice, writting this and hearing your take on things helps me.
Stop posting pictures of yourself and other girls on social media if you want to have a chance with her. Yes you’re setting “somebody” up.
Have a great remainder of the summer.I am sorry to keep bothering you and I am sure you are to the point where you are thinking what does this guy not get? His ex is over him and he needs to MOVE ON. (I am trying). You are my voice of reason and I try to apply everything you tell me. I know I shouldn’t get information through my friend and should stop. Although this time I feel like it kind of helped me understand what my ex thought about me while we weren’t talking and possibly influenced her to make contact with me. But who knows if my friend truly tells me the whole story.
Let me jump straight to my question to try and keep this short. Even though my ex broke my vow of silence/taking time for myself the other day on social media (I was 2 weeks and going strong). I kept my responses short and close ended which went well. Mainly so she could keep the conversation going if she wanted. Like you said in your last message, wait until Monday to congratulate her on her six months of sobriety which I planned on doing.
So yesterday I noticed she transferred me $100 that she owes me. I didn’t say anything to her about it. Today she messaged me using social media and we had the following small conversation:
Her: I put $100 in your account yesterday. I have paid $200 so far. I still owe you $400. I’m trying my hardest to get you paid back.
Me: Thank you! How are you doing?
Her: I’m good. You?
Me: I’m doing great. How is life treating you?
Her: Life is amazing! I’m grateful! Picking up my 6 months chip on the 10th with a friend that has 6 months too.
Me: Congratulations . I am so proud of you! Monday is six months from the day you went to rehab.
Her: Yes.
Her: 6 months from all mind altering substances.
Her: Anyways, have a good day. I have to run.
Me: I bet that is such a great feeling.
Me: Me too! I will talk to you later.
I tried to keep everything light and short again. I was shocked she was being nice so I asked my friend if she said anything else the other day after unblocking me besides that she prays she doesn’t have to block me again and asking if we talked about her. I guess my ex also asked our mutual friend if I asked her to look at my ex’s pictures of her on social media when the two of us hung out. My friend said she showed me one picture of the two of them together and seemed disappointed I didn’t ask to see her pictures. This all just seems so strange to me that she has made contact twice. Especially the first time since it wasn’t related to her owing me money.
What do I do from here? I know I need to keep everything light and friendly and I am not even sure when to even talk to her again since I congratulated her on six moths sober already. I just don’t want to be right where I was before with pressuring her to hangout and sounding needy/smothering. But at the same time I want to kind of ask her if she wants to go to a concert to celebrate her sobriety. Is that a horrible idea? Or should I just let things go for a while? She loves the artist that is performing at the concert and he is playing two nights and I think she is going to one of the shows in our city but I would want to take her to the other one in a ski resort town. My birthday is Sunday which is the same day as the concert so I was thinking if she messages me to say happy birthday, I could ask her then but that’s short notice. Perhaps I should go back to being silent for a while and start small talk in the future and then lead into getting coffee if she makes contact. Your advice would be much appreciated. Sorry for rambling on.
Let things go for a long while. If she’s already going to one of the concerts, don’t ask her to the other one. Small talk later might be fun, but never drag conversations on and on. It makes it seem like you’re clinging on for dear life and can’t let go. Making you seem desperate.
Why don’t you leave it up to her to ask to meet for coffee. I know you think she never will, but you might be surprised. Of course it might take a very long time, but it would be her idea instead of you causing her pressure by asking.
You were right about this being a long process. My ex wished me happy birthday and we had made small talk once or twice over the last few days. She saw a picture of me on social media and she thought I had a hicky on my neck which I didn’t. I could tell she was pretty jelous over the thought of it. She also messeged our mutal friend that was with me to ask her too. I found it kind of funny. She went to her concert and it was canceled because of lighting but she got to meet the famous performer which was cool. Early this morning I text her to tell her congratulations for being clean for six months. Everything felt like it was going good so I asked if I could take her to the 2nd concert on Thursday since hers got rained out. She said she would think about it but after talking for a bit she said she has a house meeting on Thursday and wouldn’t be able to go. I told her that her meeting was important and that maybe we could just do sushi instead to celebrate sometime this week. I’m still a little nervous but it seems like we are on talking terms again and you have to start somewhere. I took your advice and tried ending the conversation because I felt like we were dragging it on. So I guess the ball is in her court. I just have to remember to take it slow. I am tired of the games and am trying to be genuine. My counsler made me realise I was buying into her games and that I was playing them back. Im done with that. If she texts me back to go to sushi then we will. As much as I enjoyed talking to her, I know I can’t keep messaging her. It’s strange how this has all played out. In a sense, I think she is keeping me where she wants me.
Yes, you have a tendency to drag out text conversations on and on to a sickening degree! Why don’t you stop posting pictures? It seems you’re try to bait her..
You’re still smothering her texting and by asking to meet up. Hope she goes. But don’t be shocked if she doesn’t want to..I haven’t posted any of the pictures on social media. We aren’t even friends on their. Other people are posting them and I am just in them. So I’m not trying to bait her at all. I feel like I kind did drag out our conversation this morning but tried to end it once it felt like it was getting long. The last few days she is the one that reached out to me so I figured it could be a good to to ask her out? I feel like I kind of did smother her by asking her to hangout more than once but the opportunity seemed to present itself ya know. It’s seemes like she is playing games to me, doesn’t want me to wander to far but doesn’t want me too close either? What’s the best way to handle that situation? Go back to no contact?
One more question, how come it is bad to keep a conversation going? I can see why you should end it if it gets boring, but couldn’t talking build up to hanging out and something more eventually? Or is it because my ex for example knows she could have me back.
You and your friend put up that picture, knowing she would probably see it. You could have asked her not to put it up, but you didn’t. That’s why I said it seems you’re trying to bait her..
You already congratulated her on 6 month sobriety a week ago. You’ve made small talk a few times since then and again you ask her out. She said she would think about the concert, but then came up with an excuse “Oh, house meeting, can’t go”. (LOL) Then you ask her out for sushi sometime this week. Apparently she didn’t give you an answer on the phone because she needs time to come up with a different excuse. Sorry if I sound cynical, but you’ve made small talk many times (nice or not) and it always leads nowhere! You’ve continued to smother her by asking to see her many times, always with the same result, NO. Remember I once suggested letting HER be the one to ask to see you? That way you would know it’s her idea and that she really wants to see you. It might take a long time or maybe it would never happen, but at least you wouldn’t be begging her like a dog for a bone.
It’s ridiculous to keep a conversation going on and on and on! Like I said before, it’s like you hang onto every conversation for dear life and can’t seem to let it go. It makes you look desperate, needy, and pitiful. And it NEVER ever lead to anything else! Maybe you think if you nag her enough, she will relent and give in. It’s nice to catch up, but there’s a limit. Long conversations are more for people who just met and are getting to know each other. Or in person with family and friends etc.. NOT on the phone with an ex.
With this picture I had no control over it being posted or not. The girl that posted it I haven’t seen in five years and I can’t tell someone just to post a picture because my ex-girlfriend will see it. I didn’t even know they knew each other. Perhaps that is true with the pictures that the mutual friend of mine and my ex posted, but even then I don’t feel like I should have to stop them from posting pictures. It’s simple, if my ex doesn’t want to see it she could have not looked for it. I am teaching myself that to this day and it’s hard.
Just some small points of clarification, all contact between and my ex have been through social media private messages. The telephone would be the preferred method for talking but we haven’t talked on the phone in months. I have made small talk a few times, mainly with congratulating her a few times about her sobriety after she had already contacted. The only time I have contacted her without her making contact first would have been on Saturday and Monday. My logic was she contacted me more than once to say happy birthday.
As far as the concert goes, I defiantly was a little bit pushy there and eventually she did say I will think about it and came up with that excuse about “a house meeting”. Sushi was my second attempt to get her to go out with me but she ignores the question but continues to talk to me with disregarding my question. You are right though, my attempts to hang out with her have led to nowhere each and every time. I am begging, its way less intense than it was months ago essentially it’s just through small talk but it has gotten old and this whole process has become really unhealthy for me.
I don’t feel like our conversations have been extremely long since we started talking again. Maybe 5-10 messages back on forth. Some of the messages are longer but mainly the ones she has sent to me. So I guess, how long is too long for a conversation? I don’t want to look desperate or clingy and I think asking her to hangout more than once makes me look clingy. I need to treat her like any other person. Maybe letting her ask to hangout like you said is the best bet.
The thing is, she is playing games and it’s not fair to me. It’s like if she think I am getting to far away she contacts gets my attention somehow or contacts me. We are building a base to talk on, but what’s the point if it’s not going to lead to seeing each other in person? Or she gets mad about seeing a picture where she thinks there is a hicky on my neck, texts me angry and jealous saying she hopes I got some action for my birthday. Then after establishing it wasn’t a hicky on my neck and I ask her to hangout for the first time about sushi, she stops messaging. Before this she was messaging me happy birthday. It all feels and sounds like games to me and it’s having a negative impact on me. For example yesterday, while we were messaging, I feel like she said something to make me jealous when we talked about her meeting the famous person. I didn’t respond to it. Then we were joking around changing her “nick name” back and forth in the private social media message. She changes it to “xxx Hug N Kiss”. I eventually said, “Did you finally settle on your nickname, because I can think of a few more…” That happened after asking about sushi and of course she didn’t respond to either. So it’s all just games, I get to far and she reels me in. At this point I feel like letting her ask me to hangout, or just going straight no contact is my best bet. I can’t keep doing this. I’m tired of the games and wondering if I responded to something wrong. If she wanted to hang out with me she would just say yes. That’s how I feel as of today at least. Dating is supposed to be easy not hard. Just to clarify, I did ask her about the second concert like twice, and put a little pressure on her and she said “she would think about it”. I only asked about sushi two times I believe. Maybe three times over a few days. It’s like give answer whether it’s yes or no. Stop playing games! It makes me crazy. Sorry, I am just upset about all of this. I like talking to her but this crap has to stop. What’s your take? No contact? Let her ask me to hangout? I know she won’t she stubborn. I just want to be genuine. These games are bull crap.
You drag out conversations, even in texts. Long phone calls or texts make you look clingy. Asking her out makes you look clingy. Maybe she hopes you will change, but you haven’t. You’re still begging.
She ignored your sushi questions because she doesn’t want to go. If you want to get out of the game, don’t contact her. Write a short note and tell her NOT to contact you for at least 30 days.
When you get back in contact, never again ask to see her. She might be stubborn, but if she really wanted to see you she would ask. It’s that simple.
I was being pretty clingy and still begging and over the last few days I wish I would have handled things differently but didn’t contact her at all the last few days. So today I was at work and she messaged me and asked if I was home because she was in the area and wanted to stop by and say hi. I told her I was at work, and she asked if she could come see me there. I live close to work so I just left early and she came and picked me up and we went for an hour long drive.
It was crazy seeing her because tons of feelings came back and I hope they did for her too. She seemed so much more level headed and looks great. I tried to keep conversation pretty light but we did talk about past things in a non argumentative way. I mentioned hearing things people told me (or I saw which she doesn’t know) on social media and we kind of joked about that. I didn’t want to make it sound like I was creeping her social media account. I told her to unblock me on social media and she said ok, then later on she said she didn’t want me freaking out over pictures with friends and stuff. She said it in playful way though so hopefully she does. We laughed at how crazy I was for awhile (I still kind of am she just couldn’t tell).
I asked her about her job and I guess she is going back to her old job. We stopped to get gas and I told her I would pay for it as a gift for doing so well in life. Overall it kind of felt like old times, she let me put my hand on her leg and her hand but I didn’t keep them there long because I wanted to keep it light. It just seemed right at the time.
There is tons of stuff we talked about but one thing she did mention is that it couldn’t have worked while she was in treatment because we both were in the wrong mental state and her life was demanding, which is true. Really the only thing slightly negative thing that was said in my eyes is that she was slightly hesitant to come see me because she didn’t want me to think we were going to talk all the time, get back together, or hangout all of the time. I was like duh, there is no way we are getting back together after hanging out once. Then she said if I wanted to get back together right now you totally would, I told her no way and then we kind of laughed. She made it clear we are both single though. I wouldn’t expect any different. We even talked about both of our views of that stupid wedding and I told her I should have taken my nephew to sucker her in. She said she totally would have gone for that. I said hell it would have helped me not be so clingy and stay so long.
The one thing I wish I would have kind of followed up on was celebrating my birthday and her sobriety. I was like we still need to go out and do that. Then she said she is busy tomorrow and it seemed like she was trying to think of days we could go but we never planned on an official day which I imagine is fine. I kind of wish I could have told her lets go Saturday but didn’t. So I guess I will just let her contact me from here. That’s probably the best way to go about it don’t you think? The time we spent together flew by and I was kind of nervous so some of it seems like a blur. It was like seeing one of my best friends again and we could talk about anything. I asked her if she had gone on any dates and she was like I did with one guy but he was a douche and we didn’t do anything and I don’t talk to him. It was honestly kind of hard not to be open. I just didn’t want to play any games and be real and sincere. This post probably makes it sound way one sided but there was a lot of talking. I asked her if she missed me and she was like yeah, you just don’t stop loving somebody. It was hard to say goodbye to her when she dropped me off because I wanted to spend more time with her. Overall I kept it pretty cool and tried not to be clingy at all and I don’t think I was even if it sounds like it. She talked a lot too and it just wasn’t questions on my end. So now what to do from here? I honestly don’t even know what to think at this point. I mean it could have been her just testing the waters? I guess I am happier even if we are just friends or on a talking level. It was hard to seem like I wasn’t selling myself. She was surprised that I went to therapy and asked how many times but I never got to answer. Today was the last thing I expected but I can’t get my hopes up for any thing more. Sorry this is so long. I just feel like I would update you and ask what now? I’m still going to date other girls because the future isn’t certain between us.
So when I wrote that yesterday I was pretty excited and had barley got dropped off at home. Overall everything still went good but wish I would have showed her my change a little bit more and talked about what I had been doing. She told me a lot about her. So she ended up texting me this last night.
“It was great seeing you today. Warms my heart that you are doing good.” I ended up replying with “It was great seeing you today too! Have fun at Mike Posner. Let me know how it goes. Don’t be a groupy ?.” The Mike Posner part waa in reference to the piano player for Mike Posner giving her VIP tickets to his second shown last night. We joked about her being a groupy when we hungout.
Anyway,I’m still stuck on what to do now? I mean it’s good she text me last night. I really want to ask her out again this weekend but don’t want to be pushy or clingy. What’s your take? Give it a few days and maybe ask during the week to hangout next weekend?
The text sounds like she was glad to see you and things went well. So far, so good, but you need to take it slow!! Don’t ask her out this weekend. Maybe next weekend, but only ask once. And don’t make her feel bad or moan about it if she can’t go, just accept it gracefully and say okay. Then after that, let her be the one to mention going out.. I know you’re excited and happy about this, but please don’t overwhelm her with texts and asking her to go out!! Or you will appear needy and clingy again.
I think you hit the nail right on the head with how to go about it. Ok so here is another question. I haven’t talked to her since Thursday night when I replied to her text. Is it bad to make small talk with her and ask how the concert went or how her day is going? There is a big electronic music festival going on here and I kind of want to show her I’ve changed and I’m not going. She would like that. Or should I just wait later in the week when I ask her to go eat. I guess I’m kind of missing her right now.
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