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I feel like last time we went to lunch together it was pretty similar situation. Like she was kind of short with the texts and then when we actually met in person it went well. I think she forgot that I even had some of here stuff still. I didn’t even know how much I had until I started packing for Cancun. I defiantly won’t joke around anymore with her (at least not through texts). I wanted to end the conversation last night a lot earlier once she kept asking about her stuff and ignoring my question about dinner.
I agree, when and if I see her that would be the best time to ask about California. Based on her texts, I know she would say no if I asked through texts. I just know her to well. It’s hard for her to be cold in person so that’s why she is avoiding talking on the phone or meeting in person and only texts. I didn’t really think of the short notice aspect. I have a meeting tonight from 6-7 so I would rule meeting up today out (unless it was after that. Plus I think she has a meeting tonight). Do you think I should text her today and ask if she could meet for dinner tomorrow or Friday even though she didn’t reply to my last texts? Or should I wait a day and just ask to go Friday? I don’t really want to make it look like I am smothering her or am needy still. I am just really tired of doing everything through texts. I am hoping she will message me back today but I can almost guarantee she won’t. I don’t know why she is so bitter towards me. It is really tough. I appreciate your perspective and advice so much. If can meet her in person I think it will all work out. I feel like I am starting to give up hope.
Yes, text her today and ask to meet Thursday or Friday. It’s a simple question and she also knows you want to give her stuff back to her.
How aggrivating. I text her a few hours ago and still haven’t got a response. All I said was ” Hey, so can you meet for lunch/dinner tomorrow or Friday so I can give you your stuff back? I also got you a souvenir”. I looked throug h my texts and saw she had a meeting on a Wednesday weeks ago that went late. Realistically though I’m sure she has touched her phone in the last few hours.
I think I would have started with “Hi (name) and I think I would have left out the souvenir part. But it’s fine and hopefully she’ll respond tomorrow or Friday.
I considered leaving out the souvenir part but I thought she might wonder what it was and it could entice her to go. Ugh, she ended up messaging me back at 12:30 Am. My friend said she was in a meeting because they posted pictures.
Even though I took a sleeping pill somehow the vibration of my phone woke me up. We text back and forth for a while and it didn’t go good. I am so lost and realize there is no chance not reconciling. I thought for sure this time she would want to meet for lunch. All of the heartbreak is back. Below is our text conversation. I didn’t keep it as light as I would have liked but was grasping at draws and half awake.At 8:09 I text her: Hey, so can you meet for lunch/dinner tomorrow or Friday so I can give you your stuff back? I also got you a souvenir.
At 12:14 Am she replied: No “my name”, I’m sorry.
Me: What would you like me to do with your stuff? Throw it away?
Her: It’s just material things so sure. Thank you.
Me: No sense in throwing it away. You will want some of the stuff.
Her: Alright. Thank you!
Me: What?
Her: Alright don’t throw the stuff away.
Me: You have nothing to worry about seeing me in person. Are you sure we can’t meet up for a quick bite. I’ve made lots of changes. I do need to talk to you in person though, It’s not about us or anything related.
Her: No.
Me: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Not what I wanted to ask in person.
Her: what?
Her: I’ll be putting money in your account until it’s paid off. I owe you $500 more. Once it’s paid off I’ll let you know.
Me: You do know I want the best for you right? I’ve been working a lot on myself in so many ways and I want to tell you. But how come you don’t want to be around me in person. I don’t get that I guess.
Her: So far I’ve put 100. I’m trying my hardest with finances.
Me: I’m not trying to bring you down, get together or anything like that. I just wanted to chat and ask you something in person. You are still a great friend to me. I hate texting.
Me: I appreciate you paying me back by the way.
Me: So what would you like me to do with your stuff?
Her: What do you need to ask me in person?
Me: My counselor even thinks it should be asked in person ( kind of true) . I need that boundary (rehab term she use to use quite a bit). It’s nothing negative. I’m only positive and past mishaps are behind me.
Me: I am not codependent on you either. That has been established. You are doing great and I am happy for you. Life moves forward. Are you sure we can’t meet for a quick bite? I’ll give you your stuff. If you don’t want to I respect that.After that last message she never replied. I don’t think I would have said so much if I hadn’t taken a sleeping pill hours before. I probably blew it. Reading that now I sound clingy or desperate. What do you think? I just don’t get it all. I mean technically I haven’t done anything wrong in the past months besides be smothering months ago. I don’t think that warrants not even wanting to meet in person. I probably played it wrong. It’s probably all hopeless now. I doubt she would go to California but I feel like if I can see her in person it might calm her nerves and I might make some leeway. I am clueless on what to do from here. Giving up might be the only thing. I thought about messaging her tomorrow and being like when will you be home. I’m bringing your stuff over. Probably a bad idea though. 🙁
What is it that you wanted to ask her in person? Is it the same question your counselor recommended to ask in person? Is it about the trip? Your text did sound a little desperate and clingy, sorry. And it was way too long and drawn out. It seemed like you were begging.”I’ve made lots of changes; I need to talk to you in person; It’s not about us; I’ve been working on myself and I want to tell you.” It seems you were really trying to sell yourself and pushing it too far. Maybe the only things you should have said were: (1) Would you like to meet for lunch? — When she said no then (2) Why don’t you want to be around me in person? (3) What do you want me to do with your things? (4) You’re doing great and I’m happy for you. You probably wouldn’t have gotten an answer to number 2, but I guess it was important to ask. It’s so clear she didn’t want to meet up with you, but when she asked “What do you need to ask me in person?” You should have just told her. I know you want to meet with her, but apparently she isn’t ready to do that. Okay, you have a good idea there.. send a very short text tomorrow. Say like, “Let me know when you’ll be home so I can bring your stuff over.” OR “Let me know when you’ll be home. I’d like to bring your stuff over.” Give it some time or a few days. If she wants you to take over her things, then you could ask about the trip in person. If she says mail the stuff, throw it away, I don’t want it, I don’t need it or hold onto the things for awhile. Then you have no other choice but to send a text simply asking about the trip. If it goes this way, and she can’t go on the trip, then break all contact after that until she reaches out to you, which might be sooner than you think, but maybe much longer or never.. If all your efforts fail, it would probably be best for your own sake to give up, like you said. Maybe someday a miracle will happen and she will come back to you when she gets her life together. Oh, if by home, you mean the rehab center, as a last resort you could pack up her things with her name on it and drop it off at the rehab center. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It must be very frustrating and hurtful.
I didn’t read my text until the morning and I totally agree that I tried to sell myself. I guess I was just trying to let her know I have made changes. I was partially half asleep and loopy so it’s hard to say exactly why I wrote such long messages. I know part of it is that I just liked talking to her. Reading messages from the past two days it’s clear she doesn’t want to meet up. I don’t get why though? Do you think my messages from last night pushed her away further? Is it even possible to come back from being clingy? I thought no contact might do that but it doesn’t seem like it worked. Honestly, I don’t even want to talk about our relationship if we ever meet up in person. I just want it to be fun and easy going even though my texts portrayed something totally different. The part that sucks me in is that fact that she won’t talk to me on the phone or in person and it drives me crazy.
The question that I wanted to ask her in person was about the trip. My counselor agreed that it’s easier to blow things off in texts and asking in person would be better. Then again, I think my counselor is also encouraging me to move on, although she hasn’t directly said it. I was afraid to tell her what I wanted to ask her in person because I knew she would just say “I am not going”. I should have just replied to her this morning instead of last night but I can’t change that. At first I didn’t even want to mention that I had stuff to talk about because it could stray away from a light conversation. She is the one that brought that topic up though.
When I was referring to her “home” I meant her sober living/rehab. I am going to use your exact words tomorrow when I text her about taking her stuff to her. Do you think it will come off as clingy if I text her tomorrow? I am a little worried about that. When you said “give it some time or a few days” did you mean give it a few days to text her or still do it tomorrow? Realistically the trip is on the 28th of July so I could wait until July 5th to text her. I just don’t work Fridays and it seems like tomorrow would be easier on my end. I highly doubt she will even go which upsets me because I could have taken somebody else.
It seems like she wasn’t interested in getting her stuff back. The first day she kept asking what it was, and then when I mentioned throwing it away she said to do so because it’s material stuff, then when I said I wouldn’t she said thanks. So it’s like what does she want me to do with her stuff. I’m sure she knows it’s just an excuse to see her.
I don’t even know if I should try and reach out about the trip through texts if I know the answer will be no. Maybe it will get here thinking about it though. I was reading through some texts to see exactly when we broke up. It looks like it was April 20th. We still talked a bunch after that and she would say nice things and send pictures. One thing she did say is if god wants us to be together we will be and some other things. So now I am wondering how it all came to this and she is so cold. I mean I did smother her but I feel like she is acting like I cheated on her something by the way she is treating me.
At this point I feel like I am resorting back to all the things I shouldn’t do ( I will be strong and wont). I feel like I want to explain my case to her. I want to make a Facebook post about helping someone out when they are at a low point and then once they are doing well they leave (something to that extent). I wouldn’t do that because I don’t want to air my laundry online and I am supposed to hang out with this girl I invited to go float a river with some friends. I know that will all push her away though. From past texts it look liked she replied when I smothered her at times.
You are right; she could contact me sooner than later, in a long time or never. I feel like she never will since she has been so cold towards me. But she will pay back the money she borrowed so there has to be some contact.Ok this is probably a horrible idea and I am sure you will confirm that. Her Grandma loves me and all through my ex’s hard times she called me a lot thanking me for helping her out. Her grandma is more of a mom to her than her actual mom. I know she asked about me a lot at first when I wasn’t around. Would it be crazy for me to call her grandma and ask for her opinion on everything? I would ask her not to mention it to my ex. I think her grandma would at least talk some sense to my ex and tell her to at talk to me. Crazy idea right?
I thought about talking to her best friend (which is also my friend) and talk to her about things. I know she would probably tell her though so I can’t do that plus last time we talked she told my ex and we didn’t even talk about her. I guess I just feel hopeless and panicked and am grasping at straws.
I am going to stick to the plan about texting to return her stuff. Part of me just wants to say “When will you be off tomorrow? I will be at your house at 4 to give you your stuff” and then just leave it at that. I’ve been doing almost everything right lately so I don’t know why it’s going so bad. I just don’t want to come off as crazy. I know it wouldn’t be like this if she wasn’t surrounded by girls in her sober living. But if she wasn’t she could be dead so I have to look at it like that.
Today has literally been horrible. She is all I have thought about. I know I am grasping at everything I can. I have a few quick questions though. There is a minor league baseball team that plays here. When I text her tomorrow about taking her stuff back would it be a horrible idea to ask her to go to the game and watch fireworks. I’m sure she would say no. Is it worth a shot?
Also, is it a bad idea to say something like “I’ve realized that I would rather have you in my life as just a friend than not at all”. If my text go well tomorrow mention that we could do California just as friends too? Maybe that’s not as scary for her? Realistically I have no intention of being just friends but it would be a means to just take it slow. Or should I just stick to the “when can I bring your things over?” I know she has wanted to go to a game because we use to talk about it. When we went to dinner the first time after breaking up we almost went to a game but it rained.
Sorry for the 50 questions. My mind has been racing today, I am stressed, and have major anxiety.
No, it won’t come off as clingy if you text her tomorrow about her stuff and it will give her time to think about when would be the best time. You could include a short sentence about the baseball game too. (is it a 4th of July game with fireworks?) What I meant by give it some time or a few days, was wait for a reply to the question, which may not come right away, but might take some time. She may already have plans for the 4th, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask. If asking about her things seems like an excuse to see her, asking about a baseball game would also seem like an excuse to see her and she’s already refused even to meet for lunch. But like I said, it wouldn’t hurt to ask. If she doesn’t want you to bring over her stuff and she doesn’t want to go to the game, don’t ever mention either in text or a phone call, that you have things to talk about. Talking is assumed when two people meet up. If you EVER see her in person, DO NOT try to sell yourself and DON’T bring up the topic of the relationship. Just have FUN. If you don’t see her in person by July 5th, send a SHORT text to ask if she would like to go on the trip to California as friends. If she says no, sometime after that, pack up her stuff and take it to the sober living place. DON’T ask to see her there, just give the box with her name on it to the receptionist. I don’t think what you’ve done so far has pushed her further away, she is already far away, so to speak. Please DO NOT explain your case to her and DO NOT put up anything on Facebook! Yes, it would be a really HORRIBLE idea to talk to her Grandmother or her best friend about her. You would come across as extremely desperate and clingy! Yes, I can tell you are in panic mode and grasping at anything you can think of to try and fix this, but please calm down. What will be will be, without you pushing for it. Please don’t tell her you want her in your life just as a friend than not at all. Again, too smothering and pushy. Just let it be. She obviously knows by now that you want her in your life. You don’t need to give those kind of details, because it would just create more drama at this point. Try to relax and take a deep breath. Calm your mind and don’t worry about what will or will not happen. Just take it one day at a time or one minute at a time… I’m wishing you the best, but like we said, this may all take time.
Your replies address so many of my crazy emotions and thoughts and help level me out. Yesterday was one of the worst days I have had in a long time. I seriously wondered if I was going crazy or was having a mental break down or something lol (mainly I was just over thinking a ton). The thought of my ex having sex or anything with someone else is sickening and painful. I hope that never happens. I am afraid she is into somebody else and that’s why she is cold with me. Who knows though? Today I feel a little better overall. I think I just needed to get some sleep and I was able to go to dinner with a good friend so that helped a little. I am scared to message her today. I know she doesn’t want to see me in person because it brings up emotions and is hard for her. I think I remember her saying that in the past. But I feel like that is also why it’s important for me to see her.
They are having a baseball game for the next three nights with fireworks (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) in celebration of the 4th of July. It might be kind of short notice if I ask her to go to tonight’s game but I feel like it’s more likely she will be free tonight. Then again I have been wrong about everything so who knows. I am kind of stumped on how to ask about taking her stuff back and going to the game. Is this good for example: “Let me know when you’ll be home so I can bring your stuff over. There is a Bees game with fireworks the next three nights. Are you interested in going?” Or should I just leave the game out or maybe be more specific and ask about going tonight/tomorrow instead of leaving it open that any of the nights work? (I just don’t know her schedule. It’s unlikely she will go) Maybe it’s just coming off as I am trying too hard? Either way, I am sure she knows her stuff and the game are excuses to see her. I’m not sure if that matters or not though. I really just don’t want to come off as clingy. She already thinks I am. Would it be bad to mention going to the game as friends or should I just leave that for our California trip?
It’s still hard for me not to be desperate and throw anything I can at her (at least recently). For example my nieces and Nephew are in town again (which she loves) and I want to ask if she wants to see them and go to a local amusement park (which she has a season pass to). I shouldn’t because last time I asked if she wanted to see them she asked what I was trying to do and it hurt her heart that she couldn’t see them and to please stop. We joked about it at the stupid wedding the next day that I was throwing everything I had at her.
So if I don’t hear from her by the 5th of July I will ask her about going on the trip as friends. I will say something like: “Hey, we still have that San Diego trip booked that’s already paid for on the 28th. Would you be interested in going as friends? I know we both could use a vacation”. I want to even say we could sleep in different beds but I’m not sure if I should go there. How does that all sound?
As far as her stuff is concerned I don’t mind hanging onto it for awhile and it’s not a huge deal to me if she gets it back or not. I don’t think I would be able to take it to her sober living unless I stashed it somewhere outside. So essentially sober livings are just houses where girls in recovery live. It’s not what you would think of as your standard rehab so they don’t have receptionists or anything. Patients go to sober living after they leave a conventional rehab. For example, her sober living has around six girls living there and they assign two girls to a room. They have to attend meetings, take weekly drug tests, have curfews (which are pretty late), and are required to meet with counselors. They don’t allow men in the house so I have never actually been inside. Ugh, now I think about it, the night of that wedding she slept over at her best friend’s house and her counselor had to meet with her friend and approve it. Who knows if they would approve her going on a vacation with me? I know early on they were ok with it but who knows about now. Overall she has the final say if she goes or not.
You mentioned that you don’t think I have pushed her further away because she is already far away. I’ve been thinking and trying to figure out how she has separated herself from me so much. She use to be the crazy one. I just feel like my smothering couldn’t have done all of this by itself. I mean I know she is mad about things in the past and I wasn’t the best boyfriend like a year ago. But honestly I was so good and supportive through this whole ordeal. Even before all this I had changed and was good to her. I just don’t get it. I have to remember that she wasn’t always the best either and did mess up things too. Maybe I am seeing the past with rose colored glasses? I have let all the negative things from the past go and just want to have fun and focus on the future. I know a few things in particular that she is mad abut but they all happened 1-2 years ago. So you think she would be over them?
Thanks for reassuring me that contacting her grandma and best friend would be horrible ideas. I felt like the odds were against me for that turning out positive. I just feel like nobody is arguing on my behalf . I defiantly don’t want to come off as desperate even though I really am. When I spoke to her friend last time, I mentioned going out to eat like we had planned while my ex was in rehab (this was over a month ago). We talked about a few other things but my ex told me her friend took a screen shot of the conversation and sent it to my ex (I think her friend is trying to replace me in a sense). My ex text me out of nowhere and I think she was a little jealous. I went to lunch with my ex after all this and we talked about it.
As much as I want to tell my ex how I feel and have changed you are right about not doing so. I just get so panicked and for some reason I think letting her know how I feel about everything will make things better. I know it won’t though. I have done that already and it only worked once. Every time I did it after that it was just smothering and I got no response. In a sense, I almost feel like she likes having this power over me. Like she enjoys knowing she is control. It’s easier to be on her side of this than mine.
Thanks for reminding me to breathe and take this one day at a time, and one minute at a time. With all of this pain, anxiety, and questioning everything, it has been hard to stay calm and remember that. If I could just talk to her it would be a lot easier. Getting the silent treatment is hard for me. I wish I wouldn’t have messed up the last time we started talking. If I see her in person, I know I won’t bring up the relationship and will keep it all positive.
I’m sorry to hear you had a hard time with your emotions yesterday. Some days are better than others, but over time you will become more calm and stable. The example you gave for asking about her things and the game is fine. Short and to the point without any rambling, lol. When you send the message on the 5th maybe begin it a little softer. Instead of hey, use her name and ask if she would like to go on the trip to San Diego as friends. Don’t say the trip is paid for or that you both could use a vacation. If the things that happened 1-2 years ago weren’t too extreme like infidelity or physical abuse, she could probably get over them in time. But I wish you would stop dwelling on the past and why everything turned out the way it did, or why she doesn’t want to be with you. Guessing about it won’t do any good! Just try to improve yourself in ways you think are needed for a better relationship with her or someone else in the future. You don’t need anyone to argue on your behalf because it would come across as you trying to manipulate and smoother her through someone else. If you get the chance to see her, don’t tell her how you’ve changed, show her. Be fun and light hearted, without drama.
This is what I said to her. I sent it about 3:40 my time so kind of late in the day. “Let me know when you’ll be home so I can bring your stuff over. There is a Bees game and fireworks this weekend. Want to go?”
I haven’t got a response yet :/
Oops for some reason my phone didn’t load your response so I didn’t get a chance to reply to you before I made my last post. Today has been a bit easier but I still miss her. I have been so busy today I think my mind wasn’t as focused on her today. Somebody tried to steal my motorcycle last night and stole my roommates but ended up ditching it. Luckily I went for a ride on my bike to run some errands and noticed that his was hidden on a different floor of our parking garage. I imagine they were going to come back for it tonight. We are both going to file insurance claims to have damages fixed (they really damaged his; my damage was just a few tiny scratches). It’s scary though because when I rode my bike earlier I was riding wheelies and I didn’t notice they took a bolt off the handle bars. I seriously could have died.
I like your approach to contacting her on the 5th. I’ll try and be softer towards her. I wanted to include that the trip is paid for because it kind of adds a little pressure for her to go. Maybe I could just do that in response to me initial asking about it? Assuming that she even responds to me asking her that we go on the trip as friends. When we went to lunch a little over a month ago, she was kind of concerned that the trip was already paid for (only the plane tickets but maybe she thought the was hotel too) and that her ticket couldn’t be changed to somebody else’s name if she didn’t go (we used some vouchers for our tickets that I had received from a previous trip so we only had to pay taxes and fees for these tickets so they were essentially free). So I mean it’s not a huge loss if we don’t go but if she wasn’t going to go on the trip I would have used the voucher on somebody else. Do you think it’s a bad idea to bring up the trip is paid for if she replies saying she isn’t going?
Nothing too extreme happened in the past. I mean we did argue and have small altercations (no hitting or anything) but nothing too serious or anything that is even recent. I think that combined with a Facebook post I made once (as a result of her drug use) have her upset. I hope all of the negativity fades with time but it seems like her feelings for me are too. I try not to dwell on the past but with this situation it’s really hard for me. It only causes pain and anxiety so it’s horrible. I am trying to work on this. I guess I just question things a lot. Like I wonder if I would have handled texting her the other night differently if she wouldn’t think of me as clingy.
That’s true, if somebody did argue on my behalf it would make me look even more clingy and smothering. I guess in my mind, she has all of these people at her sober living that have negative things to say about me and they have never met me. So it would be nice to have someone bring up the good things about me. When she was in full fledged rehab her counselor and I met and she really liked me, so I wish that were still the case.
I defiantly will try and apply the improvements I have made and will continue to make them improve this relationship or my next one. Sadly, at that stupid wedding my ex kind of said the same thing. “I hope you apply what your learned in this relationship to your next one”. The memories and negative feelings from the wedding are fading and I feel like I am letting them go or at least starting to.
So it is almost 8:00PM my time and I haven’t got a response to my text that I sent earlier around 4:00 PM. What I sent her is in the post I made before this one. It seems pretty light and I did ask her to go to the baseball game. I can’t help but think that she is interested in somebody else. I don’t know if that is the case or not, but it seems like that would be the only thing to draw her completely away from me. I think in the past when I wasn’t the best to her other girls were flirting with me. I never acted on it or anything but I imagine it’s easier to leave somebody for someone new when you don’t have any problems with the new person. I could be over thinking but who knows.
I just hope someday I can see her in person. I don’t think she would blow me off and I know that’s why she is avoiding me. I hope she replies to my text but don’t think she will. Hopefully she replies on the 5th or the following days. If not I will probably have to let time take its toll and try and move on or at least see what happens. Ok, so if she doesn’t reply on the 5th or in the following days. Would it be crazy of me to say I’ll be at your house at 6:00 I’ll see you there. I mean if she didn’t respond I really wouldn’t go.
In the past she had just showed up at my apartment a time or two when we weren’t getting along. Ugh I know I can’t do that but it just makes me think she would have to talk to me in person that way. I guess I’ll just see what time does. I hope your day has gone well and you have a great weekend . Thanks for hearing me out again. I swear I am getting less crazy believe it or not haha.
Sorry about the damage to your friends motorcycle and yours, but glad you didn’t get hurt while riding it! Don’t say anything about the money aspect of the trip being paid for, it’s rude and tacky, and it won’t entice her to go. Why would you even want to add more pressure to her life by saying that? She already knows it’s paid for, so don’t rub it in her face! If she says she isn’t going, accept it. You need to try harder not to over-think, wonder and assume things. It’s useless and a waste of time. Again with the wedding. When will you ever let go of this and past mistakes? And why do you continue to wonder if she’s interested in someone else? Stop obsessing about it and remember she drew away from you a long time ago and had reasons to do so because she said she hopes you apply what you’ve learned from the relationship to the next one. If she doesn’t reply to the text you sent yesterday or the one you send on the 5th, it’s time to move on. By that time it should be obvious to you that she doesn’t want you in her life. Seeing her in person won’t change that. And please don’t tell her you’ll be showing up at her house, I’ll see you there. It sounds controlling and pathetic. Sorry if all this sounds harsh, but try to look at the reality of the situation and accept it gracefully. Have a nice 4th of July weekend:)
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