-
Posts
-
@sdub ~ The conversation between your friend and your ex wasn’t that bad.. Your ex does miss you, and will pray about maybe talking with you, but she’s afraid you would still be toxic for her. I’m not sure exactly what she meant by that, but some things might be she still thinks you’re a wild party guy, have too many insecurities, brought up too many negative things from the past, and have been too smothering with clingy type behaviors. I know you’ve always been concerned about her, helped her, and there were some good times, but she also probably remembers some of the ways you treated her badly in the past. All you can do is give her more time and space. I think you’re on day 26 now and that’s great! Maybe she will contact you after she thinks more and prays more. But don’t contact her.
Wishing you the best and take care of yourself..You are right, the conversation between my ex and friend wasn’t really that bad. I just didn’t like she said that I am “stuck”. I felt like she made it sounds like I am still needy or desperate. Once I read the entire conversation, she made up for it later on but kind of made long responses instead of just reassuring her there is nothing to worry about. Just so you have the entire conversation between the two. I will post what they said to each other after I posted my last message on here. Tell me what you think? They kind of discuss the “toxic” aspect a little bit more. I think you were right when you said she is worried about behaviors and how we treated each other in the past at times. I would consider some of those mistakes toxic.
Also, this kind of surprised me. I guess the night my ex and friend spoke, my ex graduated from her recovery program. I am excited for her and feel like I should tell her congratulations and maybe Happy Thanksgiving but am hesitant to break no contact (26 days :). I was kind of surprised to see my ex would have a discussion with my friend on a night she was celebrating with friends. I know you said I shouldn’t break no contact and should give her time to pray and think more. But I feel like her graduating is a pretty big deal? Should I congratulate her or just wait for her to tell me she graduated herself? She may never contact me but who knows.
Alright, here is the rest of their conversation from where I left off.
Ex: You think it could be good?
Friend: I would like to think so. I wasn’t always around you two together. I know you had your tough times but when I imagined your guys future I imagined you two in it for the long-term. Marriage & kids all that. I know you guys have lots to work on and I know you have both been hurt. And I fully understand all your reasoning and all the decisions you have made recently for YOUR life and your happiness and I would kick XXX’s ass if he jeopardized any of it. But I think that’s the last thing he wants to do. Well he said he doesn’t want to hurt you or jeopardize anything. He doesn’t want thing to be toxic. I totally get why you would be scared and he gets it too. It’s totally up to you. No pressure. But yes I have faith in you both.
Ex: I’m for sure going to pray about it. My heart is telling me one thing and my mind is telling me different. Thank you for being so sweet! I’m going to visit his mom soon. Life has just changed for me so much within the last 9 months, it’s crazy.
Then my friend never replied.
I am trying to not get sucked back in or get my hopes up and I can honestly say I am not acting irrationally or crazy like I did in the past. Things may never workout between us. I have to be ok with that. I have defiantly made progress in moving on a bit and meeting new girls :). Trust me, I am not getting back into the habit of continuous long messages on here. Just an fyi :). I hope you have a great Thanksgiving and you enjoy your time with your family. Thanks for everything again! I am thankful for you and all of your help.
@sdub – Your ex didn’t give detail as to what the toxic behaviors were, but just said she’s going to visit your mom and repeated the part about praying. I guess your friend already knows what was toxic on your part. You don’t need to wish your ex Happy Thanksgiving, it will seem like a ploy. And graduating is a big deal, but let her be the one to let you know about it and then congratulate her. Whether or not she will contact you is unknown at this point. If you’re constantly talking about your ex to your friend, I can see why she would tell your ex that you’re stuck. Hopefully you’re not doing that anymore.. I hope you have a great Thanksgiving too:)
I didn’t end up wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving even though I wanted to. I don’t get why she would want to go visit my mom? I find that kind of strange. It’s not like they were great friends or anything but would have conversations when we went to my parent’s house. I guess her wanting to go visit could be considered as a good thing.
Sadly I don’t know if I will ever get the chance to congratulate her because it’s looking like she isn’t ever going to contact me after praying. The conversation between my friend and ex was on Tuesday and it has been a couple days. So I did, talk to my friend quite a bit about my ex. She offered to message her, but didn’t need to mention I am stuck or anything. Her messages just seemed like she was unsure about the whole thing. I know she was trying to help but obviously she wasn’t very good at it. I just think my ex thinking I am stuck is a really bad thing. Perhaps I am over thinking it. I am at 28 days no contact. I am tempted to break it today. If I do call I would have to leave a message. I just don’t want it to seem like I am trying to sell myself. Basically it would be a short message saying I wondered how she is doing, and want to get her stuff back. I’ll probably remain no contact. Just a thought though. It sounds like she is moving out of her recovery house once she gets her tax return.
How was your Thanksgiving! Are you going to brave the crowds and do any black Friday shopping haha? It’s so cold here! I bet it warm where you live?
@sdub – She probably feels like a friend to your mother since they probably got along nicely. Yeah, your ex probably thinks you’re stuck and to tell the truth, it seems like you are.. You’re thinking about calling and you know she doesn’t care very much about getting her stuff back. Asking how she’s doing seems like a ploy too because your friend could tell you. Better not to discuss your ex with your friend because the more you talk about the ex with her, the more it seems like you’re “stuck”. My Thanksgiving was good, but I never brave the crowds for the black Fridays. The stores here are crowded enough every day even without holiday crowds, lol. It’s 74 degrees today, but the weather is expected to turn colder after the weekend. You’re doing great with no contact and hope it’s getting easier for you to continue beyond 30 days. DON’T contact her when the 30 days is over because she wants more time to think and pray!!! Wait until she contacts you first!! I think she probably will, but it might take a long time.. You’ll need to be very patient!!!
patricia12
That is a possibility. She did always like my mom. It’s just strange to me still. Why visit with your ex’s mom? So I totally have been stuck. No questioning that. I couldn’t agree with you or my friend more. My friend was just trying to help so I can’t be upset about that. She was trying to help in her way.It’s kind of strange how things work out sometimes. I can honestly say right now I feel so much better than I have in the past while. I haven’t been as sad or depressed since Thanksgiving. Last weekend I had so much fun. That girl I went to the football game with months ago invited me to a concert with herself and a friend. I brought a friend along too so it was like a double date. I realized that even though I miss my ex, there are other girls out there I will be into (the other few I messed around with not so much). This girl and her friend ended up staying at my apartment and overall the weekend was great. I kind of like this girl and I am not sure if it will go anywhere but either way it was a good reminder. I thought I might be friend zoned from the last time we went out, but I don’t think that’s the case anymore by how the night went. She recently got out of a long relationship too so she is figuring thing out.
Considering how the weekend went and texting with this new girl a bit over the last few days. Oddly enough I realized today that my ex unblocked me on Facebook (she looks great). Don’t worry; I am not going to break no contact. Who knows if she will contact me? Maybe she will, you could be right. I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss my ex still. But I am realizing, this is all out of my hands and I don’t want to torture myself anymore. It’s just not worth it. Hopefully things stay this way :).
Haha I agree with you! Black Friday shopping is way too crowded. Plus waiting in a long line sounds miserable lol. I have to say, I am jealous of your warm weather. It’s been snowing for the past few days and has been so cold! I’m going to Los Angeles this weekend and am looking forward to the California sun!
patricia12,
You were right, she did end up contacting me. We briefly talked through messages.
@sdub – So why did she contact you and what did she have to say etc..?
It was kind of random that she messaged me. I think it was just a way to break the ice since I never said anything after she unblocked me. I’ll just copy and paste the conversation below.
Her:I put 100 in your savings.
Me:Thank you.
Me: How are you doing?
Her:You’re welcome. I’m doing good. How are you?Me:That is good to hear :). I’m doing great. I just got to California. Going to Disney Land with the kids.
Her:Oh good!! I hope you guys have a blast!
Me:Thanks! I’m sure the kids will love it. They are really excited.
Me:Well take care of yourself. Glad to hear you are doing good :).
I was flying so it took me awhile to respond to her. I just kept it short. Just to clarify, I was referring to my sister’s kids. She loves them.
@sdub – Yes, the ice is broken, but what that means or where it will lead is unknown. Try not to get too excited about it and just take it with a grain of salt, lol. The relationship with the other girl sounds good and maybe it will develop into a good thing:) Welcome to sunny California! Hope you will have a great time at Disneyland. If this is the first time for the kids, they will be thrilled. Even if they’ve been there before, all kids seem to love Disneyland:)
Have fun and take care..Wow, that all happened quick. You were right about not knowing where all of this would lead. While I was in California she commented on a picture I was tagged in. A conversation between me, her, and our friend started. It was mainly just joking around. She also liked all of the photos I would post. So today, I said hello, and told her I got her a gift while in California to celebrate how well she is doing and asked how she is doing. She responded and said she is doing well and jokingly said she would have billion things if we ever see each other again. Then I said I seriously have all of her crap in my trunk and asked when I could give it back to her? Maybe we could go ice skating and I could give it to her? She didn’t respond so I got a little irritated and sent a question mark tonight. She then said we aren’t going to see each other. I told her things don’t have to be toxic and a few other things and then she blocked me again. Like wtf? So I called and left a message but I doubt she listens to it.
It’s like she gets off to finding out I still am interested in her and then rejecting me. Like she is a messed up person and gets pleasure in my torment. It’s some kind of psychological abuse but I guess I am guilty for buying into it each time. It’s a cycle. I back off, she comes back, I ask her out, and she blows me off.
I let my friend read our conversation and she totally baited me in. I am going to keep going out with that other girl no question about that. This is just a cycle and will never change. Love is supposed to be easy and not constant games.
On a positive note, my sister’s kids had a great time at Disney Land :).
Patrica12,
I hope you had a Merry Christmas. So I planned on not posting here for a long time. But I thought I would give you an update just in case it can help anybody else out. Plus I could always use your advice :).
After my ex blocked me again on Facebook, I decided to call her grandma a week later and ask if I could drop her stuff off. Her grandma loves me and asked if I could stay and visit for awhile. Her grandma wants us to date. I also wrapped up the presents I had bought my ex over the past year and gave them as a Christmas present. I included a note with the gifts. Friday night she asked my friend to call her and they talked about me for awhile and how she was doing. My friend was with me when he called her but she didn’t know it. He mentioned we were having a get together at my apartment and she wanted to come but ultimately decided not to.
My ex just called me today and we talked for 40 minutes. I was caught so off guard and tried to not be needy or smothering. Although I am sure she could hear it in my voice a little bit. It was hard to get off the phone because I enjoyed talking to her. We talked about bad/ good in the past, how she is doing, and I tried to show her I have changed. Ultimately she is doing great and got a job in a recovery center. She thanked me for my gifts and said that she read my note today.
She said that me smothering her in the past was a turn off and that’s why she blocked me. Me bringing up old negative stuff in the past was a “turn off” (a year ago). I tried to explain that when you just get cut off from talking to somebody it makes you want to reach out more and I wouldn’t do that again. It was just hard for me. She said she understood.
This is the part that sucks. She also stated that she wanted to be clear that she doesn’t want to be romantically involved with me and that she doesn’t see a future with us together in it. She is content being single right now and hopes I apply my growth to my future relationships. I mentioned just letting the past go and that getting coffee or something sometime would be nice because she is my best friend and I miss her. I want to treat each other as we would anybody else. She agreed and said that she hopes we can be there someday but she feels like I am not ready for that yet. I told her going out doesn’t mean we will be dating or that I will be getting my hopes up just to be clear. I asked her if she missed me and she said yes but all of that doesn’t matter.
She said you aren’t going to convince me of anything and I was like you can’t convince somebody to love you. I wouldn’t want that.
I did ask her what her future plans were, kids and marriage someday? She said that is the plan and someday that will be in her future. She also said she would unblock me on social media. I am not going to lie, I am a little hurt by her saying we have no future together but tried not to react. I said I regretted blowing her up and how I handled things in the past and that is not me. I know I wasn’t as smooth as I had planned to be if we ever talked but I can’t change that. She said she cares deeply for me, loves me, and wants the best for me. Even though she says she isn’t stuck on past issues, I think she is judging me for them.
So I am sure she knows I am still interested. I tried to make it seem like I wasn’t. It was actually bad timing for her to call. I told her I am not stuck on her and she was like I never said you were. Anyway, at this point I am just going back to hanging out with other girls and not contacting her. But hearing her voice and talking to her made me miss her.
@sdub – “..she wanted to be clear that she doesn’t want to be romantically involved with me and that she doesn’t see a future with us together in it.” Then you mentioned getting coffee sometime and it wouldn’t mean dating or getting your hopes up, but she’s not ready for that. See what you did there? You were trying to convince her to see you (almost begging). Whether or not it was ‘bad timing’ or you had been ‘smooth’ or not, or whatever you had said or not said, none of that matters! What matters is that she DOES NOT want to be romantically involved with you and she DOES NOT see a future with you!!! Nothing in the past matters. Not the good things or the bad things. None of it has any relevance. She told you exactly what she feels. Care and love as a friend, that’s it. Nothing more now or ever.. It was kind of her to call and thank you for the gifts and note, but she’s done. The sooner you let that sink in, stop hanging onto hope, and move on, the better.
I’m sorry and I know it hurts, but you have to get past all this somehow. It’s not going to be easy, but you have to try for your own good! Stop contacting her and get on with your life..
Hope you had a nice Christmas too:)
Hey, I’m sorry to hear all of this stuff man I know how you feel because I’m going through something similar myself bro. It hurts everyday to think about my ex too bro. I hope that me and you both can move past our situations because it hurts like hell. Pouring you heart to a woman doesn’t work like in the movies. I know there isn’t another her out there, but you’ve learned and grown and you’ll continue to grow man. It’s hard right now but you can overcome just know that everyday you wake up is a new opportunity for greatness. Remember that even though life is a challenge it can be overcome!!!
Sadman17, I responded to your message on your post long ago.
Patricia12, I hope you are still on here. I was thinking about posting the other week. Then tonight happened I felt like it was the right time. First off I want to thank you once again for hearing me complain and giving me advice. You all were amazing in helping me through one of the hardest times of my life. Love hurts. Oddly enough, I saw my ex tonight. Let me explain a few things.
So looking back over the past year, I see why the no contact rule is so important. Obviously I had a hard time following it. Mainly it is important to give your ex some space, but very important to let the edge of your emotions cool down. Break ups are painful and you act irrationally. Give yourself time to clear your head. If your ex is like mine, they let you go for awhile, get curious, bait you in and then push you away. That doesn’t make it easy. But space is so important and patricia12 was so right. Not to mention anxiety and developing depression doesn’t help the process of getting over someone.
Ok, so I took a break from this post for months. During that time I really decided to try and get my life back together. I would be lying if I said I didn’t contact my ex a few times. During this time, I started casually dating a few girls, two really liked me but I wasn’t really interested in them. Although, I started hanging out with the girl I took to the foot ball game almost a year ago and we started going on dates more. I guess we still kind of go out. It’s more casual and nothing serious though. I feel like she isn’t in to me a ton, and it’s beginning to feel like I am wasting time. Plus there are things I don’t like about her. Although we have fun and I need that at times. The moral of that is it’s nice to see there are other people out there.
Ok so back to my ex, back in February the girl I liked slept over after a concert. Oddly enough, in the morning my ex randomly text me and wanted to stop by and say hello and go get coffee. I didn’t know what to do. Ask the girl to leave that I was interested in to go home? Or go have a conversation with my ex that I love. Not to mention I was slightly hung-over from the night before and had hickeys on my neck. To this day I regret my decision, but I asked my ex to rain check. She responded with some crappy text saying we won’t probably see each other for awhile and she doesn’t usually get the feeling to come see me and if I text her it might take her awhile to respond because she doesn’t check her phone often. Essentially she threw a fit. But I missed my chance to see her for a girl it’s going nowhere with. My ex was single at this point.
So skip forward to about two months ago, I decided to randomly text my ex and be positive. We text back and forth and she mentioned she was dating somebody. I text her like 3 times being like wtf. You wanted to see me not even two months ago and now you’re dating someone? In the morning she called me. She said not to blow her up and said sorry if that hurts me. I asked who it was she was dating, and it turned out to be someone from the administration from her rehab. Later in the day, she called me again but I missed her call. I was upset and called back and left a voice message saying it was really unethical for a staff member to prey on a patient at a rehab. I mean, after all patients are vulnerable, some have drug addictions, sex addictions, and staff shouldn’t be associated romantically with patients. I was an idiot and said I wouldn’t but should leave a bad review about the rehab on Google. Later in the day, she called me back and literally flipped out and let me have it. She mentioned her and this dude had only gone on a few dates. Either way, it crushed me. So at this point I said, there is no hope of getting her back, focus on yourself. Which I did once again and it was extremely tough to do.
So after a few months I called my ex, she had my number blocked and so I called again from an unknown number and she knew it was me and picked up. We had a great conversation for an hour. I was walking on egg shells but I kept my cool completely. I did ask her out but she said don’t push it. Over all, it was so great talking to her. In the morning she text me and said she read a text I sent her a week prior about it being unethical to date a go rehab employee and that she took offence and we couldn’t be friends. Sadly, I kissed her ass and begged in a sense to be friends and said I wasn’t threatening her or anything. I knew I needed more space once again.
So a week ago I called to let her know we may be going to the same concert which was today. She didn’t pick up. I left it at that. So today I went to the concert and I saw her there. I ignored her and chilled with my friends. I wasn’t having a repeat of the wedding from a year ago. Oddly enough, after 30 minutes of not looking at her. She walked over to me and said hey. I was like I called you last week, she replied don’t do that. I was like why jokingly. We ended up talking for like 10-15 minutes. She hugged me and said I smell good. I was touchy with her a little bit. We talked about the past and present. It was awkward at first and we were both nervous. But towards the end it was comfortable and the interaction was great. I did ask a few questions I shouldn’t have. I asked if she was married jokingly. She said no, and then I asked if she had a boyfriend and she said yes. That fucking hurt. I said I had been dating people too and she said that’s good. I played it as cool as I could and did quite well. After all, she was my best friends for 3 years. We joked about me being creepy and crazy and her being crazy at times. I asked her to unblock my number and to unblock me on facebook. I can’t summarize everything we discussed. She said we would see each other again before it ended but we really didn’t because I left the concert venue for awhile and we really never got a chance to talk again. She looked amazing! She threw a few compliments my way.
I’m in a little pain right now. But the thing is, looking back; I ruined it all for myself by being clingy. Granted she played games a lot. But my behaviors were smothering, over whelming and sabotaged my chances with getting back together. Whenever she made contact with me over the last year I was so eager I couldn’t just chill. My worst fear ended up happening with her dating somebody else. So I would encourage everybody to have better self control no matter how bad it hurts. You necessarily don’t get over things, you get through them and it may take time, but things slowly get better. Give you yourself time to cool down before you text somebody, don’t text bomb them, don’t drink and text, don’t poor your heart out to your ex, don’t creep their Facebook unless you can handle it. It’s hard not to do sometimes, but it only pushes them away. My case is rare because I had rehab staff encouraging her to distance herself from me.
It’s tough to know my ex is dating someone else, when I haven’t found someone I really like enough to date seriously or the one I might consider dating doesn’t like me a ton and is flakey or rude at times. But I know I’ll get over it. We all may never truly get over our exes. Hell I still love mine but sometimes things just don’t work out and life goes on. Anxiety and developing depression during all this made it hard. But I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Focus on yourselves, go to the gym, go out with friends, date new people, travel, and live life a day at a time. Date people that see your value and want to spend time with you. Chasing my ex for a year was pure hell. It was painful, so space for yourself is so important. Don’t prolong your pain. For me regret still eats me, for example not bailing on that girl for my ex. But you know what you can’t change the past so don’t be like me and live in it.
So thank you all again for your help and hearing my rants. You are all amazing and I hope you are able to read this. This community and everybody’s comments helped save my life.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.