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So you think I should just let her contact me? I am assuming she won’t. Like how fucking rude to say “we’ll see” like I am just a option or something. So I shouldn’t even follow up at all?
Part of me just wants to respond and say? So is that a yes or no? Show a little respect and don’t treat me like that. I know that’s not probably the best thing to do though. I really just want to go off on her but won’t.
Hi sdub,
First of all, sorry for my English, it is not my mother tongue.
I follow your story from day one and really feel sorry for you all these weeks and months. I know very well what you feel from first hand experience, I know how hard it is for you to pass the hours and days w/o her and most of all how hard it is for you to understand how could it happen that she became a completely different person not saying a complete stranger after all these years and love you shared.
I stayed quite all this time trying not to respond, worried to mislead you god forbid, but I feel now that I must tell you my opinion regardless of hard it will be for you to hear it.
If you ever want to have even a slight chance to win this girl again you have only one option, you should completely disappear for a couple of months, yes a couple of months! even 30 days won’t be enough in your case, I believe 3 months or more will be the minimum. Strict no contact, dont send her any message! dont like her posts! And most importantly, block her all over social media/messaging tools you used!!! Yes, this is the most important element in order to regain her respect and maybe “love” – blocking her all over. I know it sounds brutal but this is why it is so important.
Then just focus on rebuilding your life. Really really let her go, no matter how hard it is for you.
This doesn’t guarantee you’ll win her back but this is the only chance you have at this point to my humble opinion.
Moreover, this is what you need now for yourself and for your sane. You need to rebuild your life! and for that you really need to let her go.
You’ll be surprised what an impact this will have on your ex if you block her all over social media and messaging apps and completely disappear… (Btw, If you can try also to actually disappear from social media, dont post anything, just stay in the drak).
Only then she’ll start missing you and maybe, maybe start chasing you…
Btw, dont say anything before you block her, no execuse, nothing, just do it, block her all over, let her think (endlessly) what happened to you… Initially she might see this is a sign of weakness on your side, but as the time goes by it will flip in her head and she’ll see it as if you really moved on… only then it will start having an impact, a huge impact, I believe!
Hi, I completely agree with TLV.
I’ve read all of your posts and can feel how much pain and how desperate you are. It’s been going on for months and you are torturing yourself.
I know how difficult a breakup is, my boyfriend broke up with me 11 weeks ago and it’s been tough. I’m now on about 43 days no contact and my feelings still range from sadness to anger, but NC is the best thing to do.
What I have found is that NC makes you start to see things clearer. I blamed myself for everything when we broke up but now know that it takes 2 to make a relationship work and it’s not all my fault.
You really need to try and go complete NC, it will be difficult and you will have mixed emotions throughout the time. But it will help clear your head and you may even get to the point where you are happier and don’t want to contact your ex.
Your situation has been going on for months and it sounds so unbelievably stressful and honestly it sounds like you are torturing yourself.
I understand how you are feeling , but life is short and you have to be happy.TLV and SaraiD, thank you for your responses. I wasn’t sure if anybody was reading patricia12’s and my comments. Sorry for my delayed response, I had a lot going on over the last few days. I have read both of your comments multiple times and you both make great points and I really appreciate your input. Your comments helped me make it through the weekend in my low times. This has been a long drawn out painful process and looking back I can’t believe how long I have been going through this.
Yesterday my ex and I had a little contact. I didn’t reply to her message until just now because I just needed a break and time to gather my thoughts. I think you are both right about going no contact for a few months. It seems like I have a hard time going no contact but at this point I don’t really have any options and I don’t think I can keep putting myself through this without going crazy. It’s just too hard on me.
Honestly at this point, I don’t even know if things will ever work out between me and my ex again. It hurts to say it especially after all of the years we spent together, but maybe she is over me. I think blocking her on all of social media would be really beneficial for my sake as far as moving on because I wouldn’t have to see her posts and pictures that make me feel anxious. Like for example, last night I was snooping on Facebook and saw a picture of her friends (girl and a gay guy) taking her out for a birthday dinner and in the picture she was all seductive (cleavage hanging out) and it looked like she was leaning over to lick the gay friend’s ear. In some of the pictures her and they gay friend are linking arms too. All of that instantly made me sick to my stomach (he does have a kid so I wonder how gay he is). It all messes with my mind.
TLV, I guess my only hold up on blocking her is she won’t see my posts and see that I am doing well without her. Saturday night I went to a college football game with the girl I took on a date. I posted a picture of the football field and my ex commented on the picture “jealous”. I don’t think she knew I was on a date because I didn’t tag the girl I was with (my date made me realize a lot so I will come back to it). I guess worrying about how my ex thinks I am doing isn’t part of getting my life back on track and moving on right? Overall, I feel like I worked so hard to get my ex to add me on social media so blocking her will be hard but your logic in doing so makes complete sense. I am just worried I guess.
SaraiD, congratulations on making it 43 days with no contact! I wish I could say the same thing. You described it really well when you said your emotions go from being angry to sad. I feel the exact same way on a daily bases. Are you friends with your ex on social media or did you delete him and block him? I think you and TLV are both right, going no contact is my best option. I really need some time to clear my head. I feel like my emotions have become a lot more leveled from where they were when this all started. Usually it takes snooping on social media to make them go crazy.
That really hit deep when you said you realized everything isn’t your fault and that it takes two to make a relationship work. I have blamed myself for being a jerk at times while dating my ex, when really she wasn’t great at times either. I have also blamed myself for trying so hard after the break up and pushing her further away. At times I look back and realize how much she put me through and she wasn’t always great towards me either. Life is defiantly too short to be unhappy.
On my date Saturday I realized quite a bit. I have gone on a few dates with different girls since my ex, and even rebounded with a few I didn’t go on dates with, but I realized I like something about the girl I went out on Saturday with and it felt good to know that there are other girls out there I will be interested in.
Overall my date went pretty good and I had a lot of fun with this girl and we have a lot in common. But I feel like I missed my chance with her years ago when I first met her mainly due to my ex and now the timing is off which sucks. I wish I could have seen the future back then. Long story short, I met this girl through my friend’s girlfriend back when my ex and I weren’t that serious. I didn’t pursue anything with her early on due to my ex though but would still see her occasionally at my friends. My ex got mad at me one day and broke up with me for like a day. I had tickets to a concert I planned on going to with my ex so I figured I would ask this other girl to go instead. She said she “would love to go”. I think she was kind of interested in me back then from the short amounts of time I spent with her. Anyway, my ex made up with me and said she wanted to go to the concert still. I told her I already asked somebody else but eventually ended up canceling with the other girl and went with my ex. As the years passed the girl I just went on a date with got a boyfriend and moved to California. She and her boyfriend broke up not long ago and she just moved back to Utah maybe a month ago.
Which brings me to my date on Saturday and the football game I mentioned above. This was our second time going out. She came over to my apartment and we drank before the game and everything went great (we ended up drinking an entire bottle of vodka throughout the night). It seemed like she was into me and she grabbed my hand and held it while walking around in the stadium. It felt good to have things just flow and go easy verse dealing with all of the crap I have been with my ex. It was awesome. At the end of the night we came back to my apartment and started watching a movie. It seemed like everything was going right and my hand was on her leg so I kissed her, we briefly made out, and then joked around about who had bigger lips or something (I was drunk so I can’t remember all that was said). Then out of nowhere she said “I don’t want to lead you on” and kind of looked almost like she was going to cry.
She was like you are fun, cute, and a great guy. I am just not ready for a relationship after moving back from California and I am still trying to figure things out after my breakup and I don’t want to lead you on. I think she felt like she was rebounding and felt bad or something. I know after my ex when I did stuff with girls, I felt bad because it felt like I was cheating or something
So I just said I am in the exact same boat. I just got out of a long relationship too and I know exactly how it is. It takes a while to figure things out after a break up. Then she said you almost have to find yourself before you find somebody else huh? I agreed with her. Then I said I have fun with you and it doesn’t mean we have to get serious or be in a relationship after going out a few times. I enjoy going out with you so I am fine with just going from there. She ended up sleeping over on my couch and at the end of the night I kissed her on the cheek. I mentioned she could sleep in my bed and it seemed like she wanted to but was a little hesitant and ended up staying on the couch.
We ended up going to brunch on Sunday but my roommate saw us on the way out and wanted to come. He was kind of a third wheel and it didn’t feel like a date as much and made it kind of awkward because it was hard to be flirty and focus on her. I still paid for everything though like a date. So now I wonder if I got friend zoned by this awesome girl that helped me realize there are other girls out there besides my ex that I could be interested in? If so oh well I guess.
So obviously I am not over my ex yet and wondered what would happen if I hit it off with this girl I kind of was interested in years ago. It just sucks that I missed an opportunity with this other girl in the past because of my ex and now my ex is done with me and the girl I went on a date with has since dated somebody and it doesn’t sound like she is re adjusted back to being single yet either.
I literally feel like my ex made me miss a chance with this girl years ago and is still screwing my life up even though she isn’t in it haha. I kind of find it ironic and it makes me want to laugh even though it sucks at the sometime. I don’t even know if I should ask the girl I went on a date with out again?
Sorry for writing so much, I just had a lot on my mind. Thanks for all of your comments and for trying to help me get my life back together.
Hi sdub,
I see a great positive sign in what you just told us about your date with that girl.
Even though you are both not really ready for a new relationship at the moment, it is a great opportunity for both of you to heal yourselves together and you can never know, I know of many stories that this kind of a situation ended up in a great long-term relationship, even stronger than the ones you lost. This may happen because now you are both more mature after what you were going through and better ready to build the right relationship. Having said that, take it easy, don’t push too hard and don’t worry too much about getting into the friend-zone, if there is a real fit there, it may happen and if not, at least you helped each other free your hearts and move on from your lost relationships.
Regarding your Ex, I believe as I said that a strict disappearance and a long NC is a must. First of all for yourself, as you already know, but as I also said, you’ll be surprised what a “magical” impact it may have on your Ex. No one knows how to explain it, but the act of “blocking” someone across the board on all communication/social media tools, leaving that person incapable of contacting you by any mean and putting him/her in the dark, has a very powerful impact on that person, in a way that it may completely transform his/her feelings and may even turn him/her back into the panic and obsessive mode that is usually related with being dumped… That’s definitely not always the case, and it depends on other factors, I guess, but I can tell you from my own experience that even though, initially I broke up with my Ex (after 3.5 years of relationship) and she initially chased me like crazy for about 6 weeks, once she blocked me all over (I’m still blocked) It turned my feelings 180 degrees, in a way that I want her more than ever now because I feel dumped and helpless in my inability to contact her…
Hi, I was with my boyfriend for 4 years. Like I said before its perfectly normal to go through a range of emotions over time.
My ex doesn’t do any social media so I’ve not had to think about blocking him. We are both on whatsapp and I did go through a phase of checking his last seen but stopped as seeing what time he was last online made me over think and I realised it didn’t mean anything.
I still have his number and I haven’t blocked him, I will delete him eventually. I have no idea if he has my number still.
When people go through breakups both feel the hurt and the sadness. We think they walk away and felt nothing but everyone just deals with things differently.
I had a little contact the first week of my breakup as I had things at his flat. He asked me to give him time and he might meet up. I only left him alone for a couple of weeks and started texting him,just friendly text but after a couple of weeks he asked me not to contact him as we were not getting back together. I was heartbroken all over again but I immediately left him alone and went completely NC. That’s 6 and 4 days ago.
Im honestly so glad I did it, firstly, the first 2 weeks I did NC was nowhere near long enough, people haven’t even started to heal or sort their head out in 2 weeks and secondly, I feel completely different now than I did then.
NC gives you time to sort out your feelings and thoughts on the relationship, maybe write down the things you loved about your ex and the things you didn’t. Also be realistic about whether things are deal breakers.
I know there are things I really didn’t like and wouldn’t want to go back to. My feelings have changed so much I don’t want to contact my ex. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss some things but im now happier without the things I didn’t like. I realised I wasn’t happy for a while, maybe a year! But it’s hard to admit that and it’s not until you are out of something you can see these things.
Since my breakup my confidence has come back, I’ve been socialising more, joined a gym, had a haircut and generally am much happier. All positive things!
It’s great you are going out on dates, just enjoy getting to know new people. Have fun and don’t worry about whether things will go anywhere. You will probably look back in time and wonder why you spent so much time on all of this. I know breakups are horrible but there are lots of people our there for you.FishingTheSky, it’s exactly a year now!
I had multiple relationships since then, including a great rebound that lapsed 5 months, but I couldnt really move on to any other relationship, partially because of that brutal disconnection…
TLV,
I am sorry if I inquire more but you still didn’t specify if you broke up or she blocked you a year ago. Couldn’t you move on because you were rejected by being blocked (ie ego undermined) or because you realized you really loved her?
I am just trying to understand if it can happen to my ex too. She broke up with me two months ago (she left angry and blocked me everywhere) and no word since then. Twenty days ago I informed her about my decision to let it go for now and I am on indefinite communication breakdown; no reply either. Before she was gone she’d told me she was seeing someone unofficially; I assume she’s in a relationship with this guy, although I am not sure of it, I haven’t investigated further.
How long you two have been together? How have you felt in your relationships through all this year away from her? Have you always compared the girls to your ex? Have you looked for something different than your ex’s personality?
Thanks for your answers.Hi FishingTheSky,
I initially broke up with my ex after 3.5 years of relationship (we lived together). I actually broke up with her too many times before (for a very short period each, a couple of days or so), but everytime we couldnt stand it and got back together again.
This last time I broke up with her again on Aug 15th 2015, I was 100% confident that I no longer want this relationship. We loved each other like crazy but I had a huge challenge living with her constant depression.
Following my breakup she did everything possible to get me back again but I was strong this time and didnt want to start the same breakup-reconciliation cycle again. On Sep 27th last year I suddenly noticed she blocked me on Whatsapp and Facebook, it hit me like a train, I tried to send sms, emails, call her… Nothing. No response. This had a huge impact on me, and as I said it really flipped my will. I now feel that I miss her like crazy and want her back, but have no way to communicate with her… Tried a couple of times throughout the year to send email but no response, so I dont even know if she received it or I am actually blocked on emails too…
As I said, I had a few other relationships since then, including a relatively serious one of 5 months, but I constantly compare them to her, actually to the huge “baloon” she became in mind, because of this brutal blocking act… I sincerely believe that my ex is the most beautiful girl on earth (she is a very successful world-class model), regardless if it’s true or not, it’s very difficult for me now to “settle for less”. I know it sounds childish maybe, but this is how our feelings play and control our logic…
Lastly, I may remind you that as you know my case is not a statistic, it is just a single case so try not to conclude too much based on it… it might just be a good one example.
Cheers 🙂
I am sorry TLV, I know that feeling of impotence and you can’t really do much at the moment.
Maybe later in the future she will reappear at least to ask what’s going on. You have left her so many times; I can tell you from my experience that every time you are dumped, you are broken inside a little more. After her last desperate attempt, she just decided to give up and moved on and it’s perfectly understandable. I know you regret it and you are interested in having her back, I hope you will have your chance to be with her again; it’s a weak chance but it’s worth enough if that’s really your dream.
I am aware yours is a single case, I was just curious to have the version of the dumper’s side chasing her ex. They say we always want what we can’t have; it’s true isn’t it?
Good luck and let me know if there is news!You are absulutly right, we want what we can’t have… Unfortunately 🙁
Will keep you posted if there is any progress… And stay strong, I know very well what you feel, but it’s getting easier every day (slowly unfortunately)…
Good luck to you too!
TLV,
It was defiantly a positive thing going out with that girl Saturday. I don’t expect anything to come from it and won’t contact her a few weeks but it was just great to get out and have fun with someone I was interested in. Hopefully we go out again sometime but if not that’s ok too. At least I learned what it felt like to be treated good again and not have to play games. In a sense, it helped me move on a little bit. I know exactly how you feel about being blocked on all forms of communication. When that happened to me, it literally made me miss my ex more, chase her like crazy, and kind of obsess. That was defiantly a rough depressing time after my breakup. Have you have you had any type of contact with your ex since she blocked you? I think ultimately I will block my ex on all forms of communication. When I do this, I won’t plan on trying to get back with her, it will be to completely cut her out of my life forever and move on. Hopefully I can hold true to that when it happens. I think I have finally started to accept that there might be no getting back with my ex and things might not ever change and I need to be ok with that.We keep going in circles. I don’t talk to her, we start talking, I show interest, and then she goes cold on me again. I think it’s a power thing for her. I get to far away and she reels me in. Even yesterday (Tuesday) when she asked how I am, we discussed me giving her some of her stuff back that I have and yet we could never arrange a time and place to meet. It’s just tiring at this point and has gotten old. At least that’s how I feel today. Things will never change it’s just like everything is on repeat. I also realized, once I completely cut her out of my life and block her, I have to accept that she will date other people. Things won’t be the same and that’s just how it is. I know it’s going to be horrible and hurt, but that is just life. I just read your most recent posts and totally have to agree with you about wanting things that we can’t have. Sometimes after a breakup you begin to realize what you really liked about a person or hated. I imagine, if you get back with your ex, or if I ever get back with mine, we won’t take for granted the things we did before. Then again, we may also not want to get back with them because of the things we realize that we don’t like about them and don’t want to put up with in the long run.
Hi SaraiD,
Four years is a long time. It sounds like you have gained control over your emotions a lot quicker than I have and handled your situation quite well. You are lucky your ex doesn’t use Facebook or anything. It only makes things more complicated and a lot harder. I did the exact same thing you were doing with whatsapp checking for the last time my ex was online. Doing stuff like that serves no purpose at all besides to make your mind go crazy. I did essentially what you did when I first attempted no contact. I went two weeks and then broke it. Then if I remember correctly, I went like a month and break it. A few of the times my ex reeled me back in. Or I just got weak and gave into talking to her. You mentioned making a list of things you didn’t like about your ex. I actually did that months before my ex and I broke up. The sad thing is, she has fixed most of the things I didn’t like about her after we broke up. Realistically, there are probably some deal breakers that can’t be fixed. I will have to reevaluate my list.My feelings have changed a lot after all of this time but I still miss her. Overall I think I am getting a better handle on things and am beginning to accept that if I keep holding on, it only prolongs the pain. I plan on going no contact within the next week or so. I hope I am as level minded as you. That’s great to hear that your confidence has grown! It sounds like you are doing a lot of positive things and that is awesome. I need to get back on that track. For awhile I was going to the gym, hiking, and doing lots of self improvement. I need to get back on that track. I love meeting new people. It just seems like the only places I meet them are through going out to bars and parties. I would like to meet them in other ways but I haven’t quite figured out how yet. Literally everybody at my work is old so that doesn’t make it easy to make friends like past places I have worked. It just seems like so much has changed since I dated my ex. I use to meet tons of people but things have slowed down. Maybe it’s just a transitional period or something. Do you plan on ever contacting your ex again? I see grad school as a way of meeting new people and it’s something I have wanted to check of my bucket list for awhile.
I have been kind of busy today and began writing both you (SaraiD)and TLV responses last night and throughout today. I plan on going no contact soon just for my sake. I was kind of worried about my ex repaying my money I lent her back if I blocked her on all social media. Strangely enough, she ended up messaging me today and sending me a screen shot of a post I was tagged in about spending money at bars and festivals. Then we exchanged a few messages and she said “I know I still owe you $400. I think I am going to quit XXX (her second job). Working 6 days a week is rough. I just didn’t want you to think I forgot. I have just been a little strapped”. Really she owes me $600 I didn’t exactly clarify that but am going to. I am kind of tired of not being as straight forward as I normally would be. We messaged periodically throughout the day, and briefly talked about meeting up today. She ended up saying she really isn’t feeling well and as no surprise, we aren’t meeting today. I am glad I finally realize this is just going in circles and nothing will change and my eyes are finally open. Perhaps that’s part of moving on. I am sure she will respond to my last message because after she said she really isn’t feeling well I responded with “pregnant? Lol”. I was just giving her crap. A bit later I started to wonder, what if she really is, she mentioned she had an appointment today, I wonder what kind of appointment. Then I realized, if she really is it would suck, but life would go on and I would end up finding somewhere better. I am so much more together than I was even a month ago.
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