I made all of the wrong mistakes. Strange situation.

[sdub]

So I have been thinking today and have been really disappointed in myself and regret making contact with my ex. I lost all of the time without contact that I gained. I deactivated my Facebook account in order to help give myself some space (Facebook stalking wasn’t making things easy). I am not sure how long I will go without it but I’ll take things one day at a time. I am sure my ex will see that I am gone from her messaging app or think I blocked her. Then again maybe she won’t. I don’t know if it’s better for her to see my pictures on social media or to wonder what happened to me? What’s your opinion? I just have felt really depressed since I made contact with her and how things went. It was tough to see her doing well and not be a part of it. I guess I just need to really try and focus on myself and get back to growing. What should the plan be from here on out?

Also, do you think sending her the message saying sorry that I referenced in my last message is a bad idea? Probably is I am sure. Sorry if I asked the same questions trice between my two messages. It’s just a rough day. I feel like I lost the progress I gained.

[patricia12]

You wrote: “Once I got back home, I figured I had already broken no contact so why not go with it”. Your reasoning powers are awful and this makes no logical sense. I had also recommended that when she comes up with a reason she can’t see you, to reply: “Okay, maybe another time” but you never leave it alone ~ you keep asking and asking. You continue to smother her like always. I know it hurts, but you should have more self control about it. Well, she said she missed you weeks ago, but you haven’t stopped bugging her so she knows you haven’t changed and you haven’t given her a chance to miss you. But what’s done is done. No, don’t message her again today to apologize! It will make you look wimpy and you’ll just be digging a larger hole for yourself. I don’t understand why you call names like butthead and asshole. It’s very disrespectful and sounds like you’re talking to a buddy. If you can do it, wait until her birthday to wish her a nice day and ask about taking her out for a belated birthday sometime at her convenience. Then go strict no contact again to wait for her answer. She isn’t treating you like crap, she’s just trying to distance herself from you because you’ve been too smothering and she can see nothing’s changed in that respect. As to the loan, you don’t know if other people are helping her pay for meals or that family might be helping her with clothes expenses. Sounds like you’re concerned about the loan and yet she has paid back some of it and I bet she will pay the remainder when she can. If you hound her about it, I think it will cause a rift. But if you really need the money, ask her about it.

[sdub]

Thank you for being so blunt and honest. The thing is I absolutely have no reasoning powers or logic when it comes to this situation. It’s like I do for awhile and then something happens that kicks up emotion/pain and makes me react and I do things that I know I shouldn’t. Like I impulse act in a sense and lose control. I need to learn to sit on things and use my common sense. Today something happened that made me freak out and I didn’t react. I will get to this in a second because I have a question.

So after reading your response I was kind of in shock because you made me realize I haven’t changed in the eyes of my ex. I drove ten hours today to attend a meeting and thought about what you said. All of this time I have been waiting for a chance to show her that I am not smothering and needy anymore and I blew it! The littlest things sucked me back in and I lost control. I have no idea why I would ask her to out multiple times even after she said no to the first time. I would never do that to any other girl! It’s just like with her since we dated for years it sparks something in me and I keep asking. I was stupid to just not say “alright, maybe another time” like we discussed. I guess in response to her saying no I panic and feel like another time will never happen. I took your advice and never ended up saying sorry for my messages. That does sound wimpy and smothering still.

As far as calling each other names like “butthead and asshole”. I read a bunch of our old texts and we use to never really jokingly call each other names. I think this is something that she has started doing and I have followed suit. I was just trying to be playful but I agree with you. I don’t like it so I am going to stop. I prefer saying “hey beautiful” instead of something disrespectful.

I am pretty sure I can hold off on contacting her until her birthday (October 7). Today really tested that! I will get to that in a second. But when I do contact her, do you think it would be alright to try and set a date to go out like in a week? So something like “can I take you out for dinner and a haunted house next weekend to celebrate your birthday? I just feel like if it’s at her convince she can set me on the back burner and knows I am still at her beck and call (not that she already doesn’t know). This way we can set it a week or two out and actually plan something. Gosh I was just looking at my messages to see when she said she wanted watch a movie and it was at the end of August. I really haven’t given her a break since then and a chance to miss me.

So this is what I really need your help on! I know I shouldn’t get on social media. I feel like I can’t talk to certain friends without it. So I installed it. I see one of my good friends that I went to Europe with pop up on my news feed commenting on my
Ex’s profile saying.

The conversation is below:
Friend: stop liking my drinking post :/ you can’t drink.
Ex response: Whoa whoa Mr. XXX!! It’s not that I “can’t drink…. I “choose” not to. I was liking your status because of the food part. I’m hungry :).
Friend: Haha ok fair enough, lets go grab food sometime.
Ex: I’m always down to go get some food!!
Friend: Haha ok, get plan to get food in two weeks?
Ex: Two weeks!!?? I can’t starve myself for two weeks! Yeah that sounds good :).
Friend: Sounds like a plan.

The conversation ended there. Sorry I thought it would be easier to copy it instead of summarizing. I wanted to flip out after reading that and contact my ex and tell her have some respect and not hangout with my friends. She essentially told me just that when I asked a mutual friend (her friend more than mine) to go eat after we broke up.

She would absolutely know I would see that and be mad about that. Maybe she won’t even go and was being nice but it’s just the principle of it. I don’t think my friend is trying to date her or pursue anything with her because he knows I am working on things with her but it pisses me off still. I don’t know if I should tell him not to meet up with her or just not say anything. If he does go eat with her, I need him to not tell her certain things about my life. I have held back on impulse reacting and saying something to my ex. When I asked her friend she reacted to it. Maybe she is wants a reaction from me is some messed up cruel way. It sucks that she will make plans with other people but won’t with me. What should I do? Better her going out with a friend than some guy that wants to date her I guess.

As far as the loan I gave her, I don’t need the money right away and deep down I know I am using it as some kind of leverage so I won’t say anything. It still upsets me though.

[sdub]

Sorry to post again! I am in full out freak out mode and posting here will hopefully stop me from saying something to my ex. I know looked on Facebook and her sober living friend posted a video of her daughter and my ex.

My ex looks good, but I noticed she got what looks like to be a tattoo on her collar bone! And maybe henna or a really tattoo on her wrist. I am positive the one on the collar bone is real and says something. She mentioned she wanted to get one when we hungout last time!

I’m not a huge fan of tattoos but it’s her body so I have no say. But I am so mad that she got a tattoo when she owes me money. Especially after I sent her $200 last month. It’s like pay me back instead of paying for something like that. I just find it disrespectful as hell. If I say something it will probably sound controlling. What do I do? I am struggling. It’s not my night.

[sdub]

You are going to be mad at me and I am at myself too! I am just so anxious right now it’s horrible. I ended up sending a message saying “you got a tattoo” and included a heart emotion. Social media straight f**ked me up today. If she replies, I am going to say it looks cute or something. Which when we were dating I would have complained. About the time I sent it, she posted a video driving with another friend. Probably home or somewhere.

So I guess she really did have plans Thursday with her family, and tonight with her friends based off of Facebook. Maybe she really does have plans with her grandpa tomorrow? I know I am in a horrible spot right now and F**ked up no contact. Maybe it isn’t as bad as I thought though? Maybe she just wasn’t blowing me off. Seeing her videos and personality made me miss her so much.

I apologize to you patrica12 for being weak right now. Your advice helps me so much and I know it’s what I need to follow. It really gives me guidance and even though I did comment and break no contact I won’t be rude and will keep my response short if she does reply. She probably knows I was Facebook stalking her page now. I’ll just say it popped up in my news feed if she asks.

I know from the time we hungout a month ago if I followed your advice I would be in a much better spot right now. Looking back, if I followed no contact better she would be excited to hear from me and probably still missed me.

I am going to have to delete my social media account or delete her. Thankfully I held back on what I said. I know I have posted a lot, I really look forward to your response even if it’s blunt because I am seriously worked up. I need advice on what to do with everything that has happened today.

[sdub]

Sorry to spam you. I am just trying to keep you updated for your response. My ex responded and said she did get two more tattoos and sent me pictures of them. She explained what they meant. She said it is a birthday present to herself. It’s hard to not drag the conversation out because I really want to talk to her.

[patricia12]

When you look at social media, mostly you see stuff that confuses or hurts you. If you want to continue that kind of torture, don’t give her the third degree over anything she or someone else posts. She isn’t your girlfriend anymore and you don’t have the right to accuse or question her about any of it. Your male friend also has a right to do anything he wants and if he meets up with her, just remember you did the same thing with her friend. BTW: what are you so concerned that your friend might tell your ex about your life?

I wish you had mustered up enough self constraint NOT to message her about the tattoo! It seems you’re always looking for any little reason to contact her and of course she knows that. And she also knows you stalk her Facebook. And you always drag out conversations until she gets bored of responding. You should stop doubting her word when she says she has other plans like visiting her grandfather etc.. You should trust her more, otherwise it causes you totally unnecessary hard feelings that you create in your own mind.

If you can do it, don’t contact her until her birthday and then wish her a great day! It would be fine if you want to ask her out for a belated birthday dinner and to the haunted house thing. I know waiting for her to ask to see you (like the movie thing) is so frustrating, but what other choice do you have? Pestering her and acting needy just makes things worse and you know that. It’s so hard for me to understand why you keep doing it when you know very well it doesn’t help you. It just makes her want to keep her distance because she is sooo tired of your smothering. Good luck and try to stay no contact until October 7th.

[sdub]

Social media literally is torture. I seriously don’t know why I can’t stop looking at her page. It seriously only brings me misery, makes me miss her, and then I question anything and everything. It’s like I get curious about what she is doing or something and just look at it and get upset.

You are right that I don’t have the right to question her over things that are posted on social media. I am going to try harder and not look at her page because it’s hell.

So I wrote everything above yesterday. I feel like a lot has changed mentally for me. As far as friends hanging out with my ex. I feel like its disrespectful or some kind of betrayal for my good friends to hangout with her without talking to me. It’s simply not being a good friend and don’t see how anybody wouldn’t think it might create a wedge in a friendship. Today I went golfing with a friend and ended up at my friend’s house that was talking to my ex on social media. His roommates were watching football and neither of us really are die hard football fans and he asked if I wanted to go to lunch. While driving he was like do you want to go to lunch in two weeks and brought up the social media thing with my ex and said it would be weird if I wasn’t there and how it all went down on Facebook.

I told him I saw the post and we talked about the time I asked my ex’s friend to lunch and how I wanted to say something to my ex about it all because she got mad at me for the same thing and said I was trying to get at her. Honestly, he is one of my best friends and I am glad he told me about it because I would have said something. I knew he didn’t have intentions I was just getting to myself and over thinking. Maybe it even made me jealous because she wouldn’t hangout with me? Mainly I have been in a really low spot the past few days and today hanging out with good friends helped me get out of it today.

I doubt they go to lunch, if they do, oh well it’s no big deal. I feel a lot better after talking to him. I guess I was just worried he might slip up and tell my ex I got really hammered in Amsterdam one night or something. Plus, I knew she would ask about our trip and I wanted to tell her about it. I wasn’t going to let her ruin my friendship with him so I decided I was defiantly going to say something to him but I am glad he was a good friend and brought it up. I am actually going on a double date with him and this girl I have been talking to this weekend. I am excited for that.

Ok, so I wish I wouldn’t have said anything about the tattoo but I actually kept the conversation really short. Essentially all I asked was:
Me: You hot a tattoo (heart emotion)
Her: I did. I got two more.
Me: The one on your neck looks cute.
Me: What did you get?
Her: (sends pictures) I got my finger touched up too. It’s a birthday present to myself.
Me: What does that one say?
Her: The one on my color bone is the meaning of my name.
Me: what does your name mean?
Her : Lovable ;worthy of love.
Me: I can agree with that.
Me: what does the other one mean?
Her: Balance The libra scales.
Me: Cute. I like the one on your chest. It’s sexy.
Me: Well have a good night darling and sweet dreams.
Her: Thank you. You too.

So I don’t think I really dragged it out much. I found out what I wanted it, didn’t call her an insulting name and ended the conversation. Last night she liked a picture I posted on social media so I guess that’s a good thing.

I have to say; you were spot on about not doubting her and trusting her more. She ended up posting pictures on social media with her grandparents. Everything she said she was going to do, she ended up doing. It appears like she wasn’t just blowing me off. I am sure she could have scheduled me in somewhere, but I guess she didn’t want to. Oh well I had a good time focusing on myself today. The other day I was creating hard feelings that made me so upset and act irrationally or assume things that just weren’t the case. Thank you for pointing that out.

So as far as not contacting her until her birthday I don’t think that should be a problem. Today, she posted a video of her shooting again and swore at the end. I commented “By the sound of it, you missed the target! (laugh emotions)”. She liked my comment. Other people commented too. I probably shouldn’t have said anything I just wanted to be funny and point that out and didn’t leave room for a response. I know that’s not creating space and didn’t give her room to miss me. I won’t do that again though because it made me wonder if she would respond.

I am not going to pester her anymore because this weekend I was literally at one of my lowest points and I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to look needy and embarrass myself either. Honestly today I have just thought about how cruel she has been to me. I don’t know if you treat somebody you love or loved like that. Today I just feel relieved I guess and not as depressed. I promise you I will stay no contact until her birthday.

You are right, waiting for her to see if she asks me to do something like the movie thing is hard and sucks. But I don’t have any other options in that case. I guess that is just time I need to work on myself and try and keep moving on. Honestly I am kind of excited to go out with this girl other girl again this weekend (it’s our second time). It just seems easy and not so tough with her. Plus there are no games involved. It will be good for me even though I still miss my ex.

Alright, when I do wish my ex happy birthday and ask about the dinner/ haunted house thing, do you think I should ask her to go the following weekend (October 15). Or just leave it open ended and say sometime? I am kind of confused on which one you are suggesting? Today I feel like I could just wish her a simple happy birthday and leave it at. Today I feel like I have made progress.

[patricia12]

Don’t comment on her postings because that’s breaking no contact! You haven’t made any progress that I can see. Happy birthday wish on the 7th and ask if she wants to go to the haunted thing on the 15th (in the same message on the 7th).
This weekend with the other girl? This weekend is over, do you mean next weekend the 8th? Same girl your ex is friends with? If so, your ex will find out..
Funny how you would be upset if your ex dated someone, but it’s okay for you.

[sdub]

I shouldn’t have commented on her post you are right. After I posted, I knew I shouldn’t have. I defiantly won’t be doing that again because you are right, it does break no contact regardless of what the comment said if it was serious or not.

Yesterday I was just saying I made progress mentally on my behalf. I wasn’t as stressed and depressed as previous days. So that is a positive gain at least on my behalf. Not so much in making progress between me and my ex. Today I am feeling a little bit down compared to yesterday. I feel like I am on a roller coaster with the ups and downs. Alright, I will ask her on the 7th about taking her out the weekend of the 15th to celebrate her birthday. Hopefully she says yes, but I think she will so no, come up with an excuse, or ignore my question which is likely.

Sorry, I meant to say that I am taking the other girl out the weekend of the 8th. It is our second time going out and doing something together. I am not sure if I want it to go somewhere with her, but it’s good to get out and date. Oh no, my ex doesn’t even know this girl. I wouldn’t ask her friend (my friend too but hers more than mine) out on a date or to eat or anything again. It’s tempting though just because she considered lunch with my friends. It’s like she is taking a jab at me.

I defiantly would be upset if my ex were to go out on a date. I know she went on a date months ago with some guy and he was a douche bag and she wasn’t interested in him according to her. Of course I didn’t like the fact she went on a date but I didn’t say anything about it. What am I supposed to do though? Not go on dates? It seems like I should go on dates because I have to accept that there is a chance my ex and I will never get back together (which sucks but what can I do?).I mean she has been pretty cruel to me thought this entire processes. Obviously I want try with my ex but she doesn’t want that right now.

[sdub]

So they last few days have been rough but I have hung in there. Tuesday was especially tough because I went on a business trip which I originally planned on taking my ex me and making mini vacation out of it. On the way there I thought about her a lot. Yesterday seemed a little bit easier and I hope today is the same. I’ve literally been on a roller coaster.

So tomorrow is her birthday and I plan on messaging her sometime and asking about going out next weekend. I believe she gets off work around 3:00 so it’s best to do it when she is off work and can respond. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit nervous. I am afraid that maybe she has completely moved on. I mean after all of this time is there even a chance of things working out? She could just say thank you in response to “happy birthday” and completely ignore my other question about going out. It seems like she does that. If she does, should I say “answer my question”? Or just stay silent and focus on moving on. Honestly I think she likes me chasing her.

She liked a photo I posted on Instagram the other day but that probably doesn’t even mean anything.

So what is your take on going out with the other girl? It seemed like you kind of sounded like I shouldn’t. I feel like this girl is fun and cute so I might as well have a good time with her. I’m a little nervous to get involved with someone else if there is a chance things might workout with my ex. Then again, they might not and it doesn’t mean if I go on a date with this girl again I am getting serious with her.

[patricia12]

Sure, go out with the other girl and have fun. Don’t pay attention to Instagram. When you message her happy birthday, make the note extra short. If she doesn’t reply to the question, that means she doesn’t want to go. Don’t say answer my question. I don’t have a clue if things will work out or not..

[sdub]

All she said was “thank you. We”ll see”. In response to my saying happy birthday and aaking about the haunted house. Like wtf do I even say to that?

[patricia12]

NOTHING! Don’t reply! If she wants to go, she’ll contact you.
Sounds like she’s not very enthusiastic. Have fun on the date..

[sdub]

That what I was thinking too. I didn’t reply because I thought it was kind of a rude response. I did send the message like at 4 AM because I couldn’t sleep and I knew she had to get up for work soon.

I am starting to think this is a lost cause which sucks. I don’t get why she is treating me like shit.

So here is what I was thinking. Following up on like Monday and asking her how her birthday was. Then saying so are we planning on dinner and the haunted house this weekend? I am tired of her games and don’t get why she can’t be straight up with me. I have a meeting with my counselor in a few hours thankfully.

She was nice a month ago now is an ass to me. I don’t get it.

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