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A few days before I started NC she sent me a message on facebook saying that she has made her final decision and knows that she can never be intimate with me again. That was because I did show some interest in reuniting that she picked up on. I realize that I went about it the wrong way so I told her I needed distance. In the past she has told be that she was going to see a friend but actually went to see the guy that she leaned on for emotional support. But this time I think she is going to see a friend and I have no reason to suspect otherwise.
Sometimes her friends do visit her but I think she prefers to get out of the house and see them.
Yes I think that it is slowly dawning on her how much I did contribute and life without me is not the bed of roses that she thought it would be. Next week she is working several nights and is having to rely on her dad to look after the kids. Given what I am doing here it is not possible for me to do so but he does not handle the kids well when they act up and is useless with housework so that will work in my favor.
Things have been working out in terms of me wanting to study to be a teacher. I have an interview coming up with a teachers college which is one step close to being accepted to study with them. I have told me family, and a few friends, and my parents have said that I should tell my ex but I don’t plan to. She will find out eventually as she still talks to my family.
You wrote:”I did show some interest in reuniting that she picked up on. I realize that I went about it the wrong way so I told her I needed distance.”
How did you show interest? And what does some interest mean? Why do you think it was the wrong way?
Wow, that’s great news about the interview! But what is teacher’s college? Do you already have a bachelor degree and perhaps going for a masters or doctorate? What level of education and subject are you interested in teaching?
Yes, I think you caring for the kids more appropriately and doing household chores will eventually have a positive effect on your wife’s thoughts of possible reconciliation and maybe she will start remembering and focusing on other good things regarding being married to you.
Touch is her love language so I would touch her on the shoulder or rub her back etc. Nothing intimate but she told me to not touch her so much.
Teacher’s college is where people study to be a teacher. I have a bachelors degree in computer science and electronics. I was a software developer but I left that so teaching is what I want to do now. I want to teach secondary school which is our equivalent of high school, technology and mathematics.
I also was doing a lot of household chores, which she appreciated, but I don’t think it had any meaningful effect on her thinking. So perhaps me not doing that for a while will make her think that I wasn’t so bad.
OMG! Touching her does not show interest in reuniting. You wrote:”A few days before I started NC she sent me a message on facebook saying that she has made her final decision and knows that she can never be intimate with me again.” When a man starts touching a woman, the first thought she has is that he wants to be intimate and I’m sure it made her uncomfortable. The desire to reunite / reconcile should be verbalized. That’s the direct approach with no room for misunderstanding.
If you know touch is her love language, I assume you were very affectionate before the separation. Did you also often tell her you loved her? A woman also wants to hear the words..
I’m also assuming you helped out around the house prior to the separation and apparently even after you moved out during the times you were at the house watching after the children. So to stop now would imply that you’re angry and punishing her.
Good luck with your interview:) When is it scheduled and how long after that will you know if you’ve been accepted?
Yes it did make her uncomfortable and I see that now.
I was affectionate before the separation and I often told her that I loved her. But near the end hot and cold with my feelings. Sometimes I would tell her that I had no feelings for her and one night I went to stay at a friends house because I wasn’t sure that the marriage is what I wanted. I came back though. This was because of her male friend who gave her the emotional support that I failed to provide. It still stings thinking about him.
Yes I helped out around the house and after I moved out. I will also do things now like washing dishes and walking the dog but only the bare minimum.
My interview is next Thursday. Hopefully not long after that I will know. The study starts in July.
Well here I am. I showed up, she showed me a few things to do with housework, kids etc and then she left. I don’t know which friend she is staying with.
Does it mean anything that she didn’t try to start a conversation with me? I’m near the end of week 3 of no contact
I didn’t know she was making suggestions as to the housework. I thought you simply saw things that needed to be done and you did them. Anyway, if her not trying to start a personal conversation is something new and recent, it might be of some concern. To me it sounds like you’ve been aloof since moving out many months ago and she might think you’re still angry, you’ve moved on, or you’re not interested in reconciling. And therefore, she gave up trying to show interest and is mimicking your behavior.
It was just today that she said that. Every other time I did things without asking.
Her not asking anything is not something recent. I did say that she can talk to me about the kids but that’s all. She was also anxious to get out the door to see her friend.
She has also said that she has no interest in reconciling but that has been not long after I changed my attitude and just before I started no contact
I think I understand your concept of “no contact” is you don’t talk to her about anything personal and your request for her not to talk to you unless it’s about the kids. And you started this “no contact” after she said she’s not interested in reconciliation.
The part that confuses me is that she said she has no interest in reconciling after you changed your attitude. So you changed your attitude from what to what? And when exactly?
If she was anxious to get out the door to see her friend, it could be that she had told this person that she would be there at a certain time and didn’t want to be late. An example would be a dinner reservation or a movie etc.. But since she told you she was meeting a “friend” and it turned out to be the other man, it could be she was on her way to meet up with him again.
I might be wrong, but I just feel the likelihood of reuniting with your family is dwindling if you don’t soon take steps to try and resolve the marital issues with your wife. And if you continue to snub her, she will move on sooner rather than later.
Then there’s the possibility that she meant what she said about never reconciling with you. Maybe her depression is clouding her judgement, she has legitimate reasons (in her own mind) of not wanting you back, or she lost all hope reuniting would result in a better / happier marriage (family) situation.
OK I will lay it all out. So she told me she wanted to separate early October (I think) and a few weeks later I moved out. For several months I was very angry and cold towards her. Early march I hit rock bottom and I came back in tears. She let me move back in. A few days after that we had a good talk and I got the whole story of why she wanted to separate. That’s when I changed my attitude and told her I’m letting it all go. I told her I wanted to try again but she said she didn’t. A few days later I talked with her again just to clarify some things. I moved back with my parents a few days after that. I would come back here every Tuesday when she worked nights and had the kids either at the house or at my parents. During that time she told me she had talked to her friends about how torn and confused she was with regards to my changed attitude, how a small part of her regretted the separation and how it was still her dream to be married. Also during this time I tried to be more upbeat and I helped a lot around the house, which she appreciated, and I tried using her touch love language as I explained earlier, which caused her to send her message which caused me to start no contact a few days later.
I thought no contact with kids was meant to be just about the kids and not initiate contact unless its important.
I wanted to do this so she has a chance to miss me. Next week she is working several nights and her dad is looking after the kids. As I said her dad can be terrible with the kids.
I’m sure she is seeing her friend and staying with another friend. That’s most likely.
Im having some second thoughts about the effectiveness of no contact on her. But I try to remember that it will take time
Okay, I think I understand the sequence of events. For years you were supporting your wife through her moods, but became exhausted and depressed perhaps thinking she would never get better. You apparently knew she had been receiving the emotional support she needed from the other man and you were jealous, hurt, and angry. You were hot + cold and even told her you had no feelings for her. This went on and she was miserable, so she asked for a separation. You moved out in October and for 6 long months you continued to be angry and cold.
In March you moved back in with her and tried to make amends. She told you why she wanted the separation. You wanted to try again, but she didn’t, probably because the “sting” of your prior behavior for 6 months and other definitive reasons known only by her.. although you may have an idea as to what those reasons might be. So you moved in with your parents later that month of March. And of course she was confused by your positive change in attitude, but probably delighted:)
Reconciliation entails discussing the issues each has with the other and forming concrete ways to resolve them. Both have to be willing to make the necessary changes in order to make the reunion happy and successful. She wants a happy marriage with an intact family, but she’s not willing to negotiate at this time..
Soon after the separation when she told you she no longer had feelings for the other man, I hope you believed her and didn’t display any signs of jealousy.
Yes, I think it might take more time of limited contact for her to perhaps change her mind and be willing to discuss reconciliation, as long as you continue to be kind, upbeat, and thoughtful.
Yes that’s it. Its hard because I want to beg and plead with her to give me another chance. I know things will be different.
Ending week 3 of limited contact
Well I dropped the kids off to her. I was happy and upbeat when I told her what the kids and I have been up to over the long weekend. However I think I let the conversation go on for too long.
I was willing to compromise on future weekends and letting the kids stay here instead of me going there and her going to stay at a friends.
“I was happy and upbeat when I told her what the kids and I have been up to over the long weekend. However I think I let the conversation go on for too long.” Nothing wrong with being upbeat and chatty after so many months of separation! I hope your plan has a positive effect on her..
“I was willing to compromise on future weekends and letting the kids stay here instead of me going there and her going to stay at a friends.” I’m confuse by the word compromise..
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