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She just called me concerning the kids. She tried to call me once but I didn’t answer then she messaged me on facebook saying she wanted to talk about one of our kids. So she called me back.
She had been talking to my mum who told my ex about the relief teaching that I had been doing and she asked me about it but I didn’t respond and, instead, I directed the conversation back to our kids.
On Tuesdays she works nights and she mostly relied on me to look after the kids. When I started NC I told her that I won’t be doing it unless it is necessary and, if I am needed, then I will come late, when she is ready to leave. Last Tuesday and this one her dad has been looking after the kids and she told me that he is terrible with them. I wasn’t sure how to respond to that but I had to cut the talk short because I had to get to class to set up. She sounded disappointed when I told her that.
I don’t want to get my hopes up but it sounds like NC is having an effect on her.
Hope things are moving forward for the best for you mate. I’m starting to think I prefer being alone again lol, all this pissing around is doing my head and I feel like I’ve got my confidence back after my ex took that away from me and made me feel worthless
What is relief teaching? Is it like being a substitute teacher? Glad she on is on good terms with your mother. Is your father in the picture too?
Yes, it’s curious she would say her father is terrible with the kids. Is her mother still in the picture? Most grandparents are very loving with their grandchildren, but maybe you can find out more about it on Saturday.
Yes, it sounds like she is missing you:) You’re doing great, but continue limited contact.
Yes it’s substitute teaching. I’m doing it to gain some experience and then study to be a teacher myself. Yes my father is in the picture too and gets along with my ex. They are planing a shopping trip next Friday when it is a long weekend.
It’s just his nature and how he was brought up. He loves the kids but he has anxiety issues. Her mother is better but, again, doesn’t do as good a job as me.
I’m into the second week now and it is getting easier. Next weekend will be a challenge when I have to see her.
My parents seem to think that I need to earn brownie points with her by doing things for her. Well I did things like look after the kids while she has days out with her friends, walk the dog, bake cakes, tidy the house, do the dishes and none of them made an effect. She said she appreciated it but they did not make any real difference.
I just read this all. I think no contact is definitely still the right thing to do. If you start doing things for her again you become that safety net again, where as the love and effort should be reciprocated. It can also put you in the friend category, which isn’t bad, because you can always use your charm and new, improved, more attractive version of yourself to see your ex and form a new attraction with them. The no contact can get you on the right track, and then whatever situation you are in, you can get your ex back. Wish you luck and hopefully she is just keen to recommence a relationship with you!
Starting week 3 of NC. Tomorrow is the first time in over two weeks that I am meeting her but only briefly. We are meeting up so our son can spend the day with me on Wednesday because of a teacher strike. So it will be an interesting test to see if she tries and talks to me about personal things.
It seems you’ve already been doing nice things for her, so what else do your parents think you should do? Did they make any suggestions?
When you see her, continue to be upbeat and polite. If she brings up personal things, don’t be rude or cut her off, just listen. And if she asks you personal questions, make very short comments (IE: don’t go into a lot of detail). So don’t be cold as ice..
Think about how you treated her when you were depressed and the main reasons she wanted a separation and improve on that.. She needs to see that you’ve changed for the better. And if that means being more supportive or understanding of her feelings, so be it.
There was nothing that they suggested that I have not done before.
I won’t be cold towards her but I won’t go into anything personal. I will just say I appreciate the interest.
I don’t think there has been enough NC for me to be supportive or understanding yet. If I do that now I will most likely go back to being her safety net or just another friend. More time needs to elapse and it will be several more weeks before I do that.
It is difficult. I just can’t help but think that it will not make a difference as she has been receiving help with the kids from her parents and she does have her friends to talk to.
I try and remember that it has only been just over 2 weeks but the fear is still there.
A husband is a lover, confidant, loyal friend, advisor, comforter and much more.. Relatives and other friends can offer help and support, but you’re the father of her children and therefore have a very unique connection with her. To think of no contact as some sort of power struggle or a manipulation technique hoping she will change her mind is the wrong approach. But to use it as a way to allow bad memories to fade and for you to make positive changes is more appropriate.
Not answering her personal questions, but rather saying you appreciate her interest, is game playing. At some point she needs to see and feel the changes she wants in you. You have to prove to her that life with you will be different and better than it was before.
You moved out in October (almost 8 months ago) and it does seem she has tried to reconnect with you on some level. Please don’t allow yourself to think she is using you as a “safety net”. Maybe she is waiting for you to make a step toward reconciliation.
Whatever happens, I pray it will be the best for all of you..
I don’t think of no contact as a manipulation tool. I was always around when she wanted and I reminded her of all the negative emotions. Not talking about what we used to talk about will make her miss that and will make the seed of doubt grow.
She told me that she is torn and confused so that could mean that her heart still has feelings but her head still can’t forget. Trouble is we are surrounded by marriages that are not happy and two others that have separated. So that would have influenced her.
She may have tried to reconnect but it is too early to try.
We just met and we kept our talk to child care. She didn’t try to talk about anything personal. This weekend she wants me to look after the kids so she can go see a friend. Should I be worried about that?
I can’t help but analyze everything about our encounter
Sometimes I have a tendency to over-analyze things too. The first thing that jumps to mind is that she is pulling away because you haven’t shown enough interest in trying to reunite and by going to see a “friend” means she has a date with another man. But I hope that’s not the situation. And since you’ve been away so long, she might be getting used to living on her own.
Another question I would have is why can’t her friends go visit her sometimes..
But they are your children and if it’s convenient for you to be with them and the weekend you planned to visit them anyway, then it’s probably a good idea to see them this weekend. I’m sure they miss you..
Don’t let my foolish suspicions influence you or put any of those silly ideas in your head. It’s probably more like she’s exhausted from work and looking after the kids and wants a little time away from the stress of it all. And maybe it’s dawning on her how much you contributed to household concerns, which might be working in your favor.
It sounds like you already have a plan on how to proceed with no contact and I hope it works out..
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