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Hi All,
So my wife and I have separated and we have three kids and a house together. We separated late last year and for a while I was very angry and cold towards her until about two months ago where I let go of all that and started talking normally again. Since then we have been able to talk to each other.
I have just started No Contact today. I told her that I have been in a lot of pain recently and I need to create some distance between us. She said that she totally understands.
Was that the right thing to do? Should I be worried that she agrees with what I said?
I’m assuming she is the one who wanted the separation for some reasons.. No contact is a good idea if you’ve already discussed how the relationship could improve as it will give her time to think about it. I don’t know how old the children are, but if you moved out and continue to see them, it might not be possible to go full no contact with your wife. So if / when you see her, just be polite. Also consider marriage counseling at some point in order to reconcile.
Yes she is the one who wanted to separate. I was quite angry about how unexpected it was and how she did not seem to want to give me another chance. She just wanted me to move out.
The kids are 5, 6, 9. I told her that if she needs to talk to me about the kids then she can but that’s all.
She has told me that she has been talking to her friends about how she feels torn and confused about the separation, that there is a small part of her that regrets the separation and how it would be ideal if we got back together as opposed to her starting a new relationship with someone else. But, a few days ago she told me that she doesn’t see a future for us together. But I think she doesn’t believe that.
Breakups are not sudden. She had been thinking of separation for some length of time. But I’m surprised you think it was unexpected. There must have been some signs..
Yes, it would be ideal to keep a marriage together, especially since 3 small children are involved. But if there were major problems (as with abuse or infidelity), it might not be wise or beneficial for the children for a couple to stay in that type of unhappy situation.
Instead of talking with friends, it would be a good idea to go to marriage counseling with her if she is willing..
Yes she told me that she has been having doubts for some time but she never brought those up with me. If she had then I would have done something. But can’t change that now.
No there wasn’t any abuse or infidelity. She has a history of depression, which I was able to handle to start off with, but it got to me too. I spiralled downward and got quite severe at the end. I was on medication but I took myself off it and I’m fine now. She is still taking medication.
I am planning on bringing up marriage counselling at a later date.
Looking back over the past two months I can see that I was her safety net. I would tidy the house, do the dishes, walk the dog, look after the kids so she could see friends. She has her parents to help as well but they don’t do as good a job as me.
I still love her and I hope NC has an effect on her. It’s taking all my strength to not reach out to her.
She messaged me on facebook about our children. I replied to her messages about the children (admittedly the replies were short and can be perceived to come across as me not caring too much) but, when she tried to move onto another, more personal topic, I moved the conversation back to the children and said goodnight.
Was that the right thing to do?
If the personal part of her message didn’t pertain to possible reconciliation, you did the right thing. Continue to be kind in your responses and it wouldn’t hurt to let her know you care very much about her and the children when you feel it’s an appropriate response.
In the meantime, try to think about the reasons why she wanted a separation and improve your thoughts and behaviors in which you had a part in it..
If she ever asks you advice about her depression, you could advise her to see her doctor regarding the fact that she’s still depressed and maybe needs a change in either the type of medication or a dosage adjustment.
You wrote on the 13th:”I have just started No Contact today. I told her that I have been in a lot of pain recently and I need to create some distance between us. She said that she totally understands.” AND ” Should I be worried that she agrees with what I said?” …. If she is a kind person, I think she agreed with the distance because she respects your request and feelings.
I feel badly about your situation! It’s such a tragedy for you and your children.
Yes it started to go onto holidays and family so I cut it off.
Two months ago we have a good talk and she told me everything that I had been doing wrong. So I am going to work on those and go to the gym to lose weight.
She is a kind person, and I know that NC is mainly for me to work on myself, but I am hoping it has an effect on her too. Two of the kids have not been well and she has had to deal with that on her own so, while sick kids are never good, it can work in my favor.
Yes, of course it’s okay to occasionally ask how your kids are doing.
Do you see the children periodically? Pick them up at her place to take them out for the day or keep them with you a few days as over the weekends?
Yes I do see them occasionally just not this weekend. She agreed that, if I go stay at the house with the kids over the weekend, then she would go stay with a friend.
You wrote:”Two months ago we have a good talk and she told me everything that I had been doing wrong. So I am going to work on those and go to the gym to lose weight.” Women don’t want to lose a man who makes them happy, especially when children are involved. Other than the need to lose weight, what other things upset her?
That’s a good idea for her to go visit friends while you’re with the children at the house. But don’t you live close enough where you could also take the children to your place some days or some weekends?
Losing weight is my idea. I have been meaning to do that for a while but I have only just got around to it. I figured it would be a way to show her that I have changed.
Her issues with me are communication and how I was when she was going to rough patches herself and I agree with both of those. As I said before, I could handle her rough patches, initially, but years of them wore me down to the point where I suffered depression too. She had another male friend who provided the emotional support that I failed to provide. Not long after she announced the separation she said she had feelings for him but does not anymore.
I have been going to stay there when she has had to work at nights and I have done things around the house which she appreciated. But touch is her love language and she has said that she doesn’t want me to touch her in any way.
Yes I live close enough where I can have the kids for weekends but it is easier to look after them at the house rather than here as there is more to do there.
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