I feel like I’m dying

[SaraLT]

My boyfriend and I were together for almost two years. We had maybe four arguments ever. A week ago, he showed up, said the relationship wasn’t working for him, handed me a bag of stuff that I kept at his apartment, and asked for his apartment key back. I was blindsided.

I went to talk to him the next day and he acted like a robot — no emotion whatsoever on his face, just murmuring “sorry” to everything I said. He said he put a lot of time into the decision and that it wasn’t an easy decision to make. Mainly, he said he should feel more strongly about me at this point in the relationship.

We’ve known each other for 13 years and I said this was too much to lose and that I wanted us to at least be friends. He said he couldn’t because he is attracted to me, emotionally attached to me, enjoys spending time with me and couldn’t resist me if we spent time together as friends. So why not date me?

I am trying to not contact him, but all I want to do is try to fix this situation. In the winter, I lost my job and got quite depressed about it — which was hard for both of us. He told me that was very overwhelming to him. I feel if I had handled that bout of depression better, the relationship could still be
solid today.

For background, my ex-boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic. He hasn’t had a drink in two years and never had any relapse. His ex-wife got remarried in November. So he’s had some challenging times. As far as I can tell, I was helpful to him dealing with these issues and he seemed appreciative. In the beginning of our relationship, he was always saying, “Thanks for caring so much about me.”

In the past, he talked about how, when he was married, he wanted to work on the marriage, go to couples counseling, etc. but his wife didn’t want to, it was as if she has already moved on. In many ways, I feel like that’s what he’s doing to me now. Flat out moving on. (Now, to be fair, I don’t know how he’s truly feeling inside.) He was always a gentle, caring person. I have a hard time understanding how he could be so cold and mean to me, even in a breakup situation.

So does he just not care at all or could he be using some avoidance coping mechanism? I feel if he’s overwhelmed by other stressors in his life, he might be able to rethink things and change his mind (after some NC) about our relationship.

Finally, after two hours of talking last week and of him acting like an emotionless robot, he broke down crying. A lot. That makes me feel like there’s hope for the relationship because he was so upset.

Any insight? I can barely stand this.

[LauraH]

Hey Sara

You kept mentioning that he “cares” about you but I would like to point out that “care” does not necessarily equal “love”. Is he in love with you? When did he get divorced? Could it be that his relationship with you was more of a rebound after his divorce? more details would be helpful…

Also, I get the feeling that he suffers from depression/anxiety – have you encouraged him to seek help?

[SaraLT]

Thanks, Laura.

I guess it’s just a habit of mine to use the word “cares”. I believe he loves me. I’m unclear if he’s in love with me. I don’t know what he’s thinking.

He had been separated for 4 to 5 months when we started hanging out more frequently as friends, but his wife has already begun seeing someone else for a while before they were separated. So the marriage was essentially over and that wasn’t a surprise to either of them — which, of course, doesn’t mean that it was easy for anyone.

I had known him for 13 years prior to the breakup of his marriage, but on a more take-a-walk or grab-lunch kind of level. Once he was separated and our relationship progressed to a romantic one, we had many discussions about timing and whether he was ready for a girlfriend. We decided to “see where things went.” It was a slow-moving relationship (by choice), although we were a monogamous couple. We wanted to move slowly because of his recent divorce and for the fact that he had completed rehab for alcoholism a few months prior to that.

So he did have a lot going on and we had read how people should probably not be in a relationship for a year coming out of rehab. But because we talked it through so many times and because we already had a solid friendship. we decided to proceed. Also he’s a very driven, type A personality who thought he had things together at that point.

It was in January of this year that he said he wanted to work towards a serious, long-term relationship. It was in February that I became depressed. That was the only thing that changed between January and February. So I feel we got off track there and maybe he could never get back on.

The final thing I should say is that he has three kids. We decided it was best for me not to meet them up until now as they had been through a lot already. And I was totally on board with this. It’s possible that, with summer coming up, there would be a question as to whether it was time to meet the kids, but there was no pressure about that coming from me.

It’s interesting you noted that he may suffer from depression / anxiety. He has in the past and he does see a therapist. He does not attend AA.

He always talked about not wanting me to be some “rebound relationship” because he knew me and cared about me already. Right now, it kills me to think he might be going out to find someone else to date. He gave me the “I need to work on myself” line, but that’s true of anyone.

[LauraH]

Hey Sara

This is quite a complex story – and I’m afraid you may not find answers on this board. You seem to care the world about this man and I understand. 13 years is a very long time to bond with someone even as a friend. If I were in your shoes, I would take time apart and let him sort out his issues. The reality is, he is the only person who can do this.

You said you were worried about him dating someone else. Well, this may sound a little harsh but if he can find someone else so quickly and date her, then he may not be the guy for you in the first place. Try to stop worrying about things you cannot control.

If you back off for a while, chances are this may prompt him to take action and get a grip on his situation.

[Baseballguy1996]

Since it sounds like he was very vague in the breakup and not really wanting to talk, it seems as if he is hiding something. I would not push him to tell you, however, as it may actually want him to tell you less.

I would stick to the NC for a while. When you contact him if he wants to open up about the breakup be fully supportive and don’t get angry if/when he tells you the reason he broke up with you.

After that conversation you should probably have another NC period so you both can get your thoughts together. Then you will have a better idea on how to attack the issue.

[SaraLT]

Thanks, Laura.

Your advice is great. I just need to learn how to get my brain to follow it. I get easily obsessed worrying about / trying to figure out things I may not be able to truly impact. Yet I always think there MUST be a way. And this likely results in a lot of wasted mental energy — and heartache.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[SaraLT]

Thanks, Baseballguy1996, for the advice.

I’m really trying hard with the NC thing. It’s been two weeks and it feels like two months.

But your advice to be calm, if he does eventually talk to me, is really important to keep in mind.

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