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Ok, this is a tricky one. I haven’t been able to find any help for a situation like mine.
Here’s the story. I was with my girl for 4 years (I’m 35, she’s 30). We lived together for most of it. We were completely sure that we would be together forever, married, and spend the rest of our lives together. My plan was to go back and finish school, get married, and then have kids. Well, we were great together for the first 3 years, but during that last year, things got bad. She was about to turn 30, and I think her maternal clock was ticking loudly in her body, because she would often become frustrated and sad, and cry about how she was just waiting for my timeline, and how she wanted kids and marriage, and forward progress. This would make me doubt whether I wanted these things, even though I always have wanted to marry her and have kids. I told her I may never want kids, and that I didn’t like the concept of marriage. This made her more angry, and we would argue and fight more.
Then, one of my best friends got dumped and lost his job in the same month, and he had no where to stay, so I let him stay with us (I have a three bedroom house, and it was just me and my girl). She HATED the fact that I let him stay there, and she would always tell me she wanted him gone, argued with him, and this caused many more fights. All this stress was really screwing with my mental state, and I began failing a really hard class in school. It all built up to be too much for me when, the night before my birthday, she went into my phone, looked through my notes, and saw a note that I wrote about how I was unhappy, and I felt like I was at rock bottom (I sometimes journal my feelings in my notes, just to get stuff out). Well, she took a screencap of this note, and the next day, on my birthday while she was at work, she texted me a picture of the note and was like “What the hell is this?” I told her not to do this on my birthday, but she wouldn’t let up, and kept saying, “NO, we need to talk about this right now”. I snapped. Lost it. I packed up some things and moved out, into my dad’s house. I told her I can’t be with her, and I need to get out.
Over the course of the next month I essentially broke up with her. I told her I didn’t want to be with her anymore, and that I love her, but I’m not in love with her. She said she would wait for me, and asked me how long I needed. I told her not to wait for me, and that I don’t if I ever wanted to come back. So, she was a wreck, I was hurting, but I just wanted to make sure I was able to concentrate on school and myself. I felt like I was failing my goals, and being in that environment with her was toxic for my mental state. So, she moved out of my house, with my help financially rented a room from a couple, and I moved back in my house. She wanted me back, so I agreed to counseling, at which I told the therapist that I didn’t want a relationship with anyone, and I just wanted to focus on my goals. My girl begged and waited for me. I didn’t come back.
Now, fast forward 3 months. I graduated college. Immediately after this, I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders. I began to realize that I am truly in love with my girl, and I want to fix the things that we were fighting over. I do love her, and our problems are not un-fixable. The next week, right before Christmas, she came over to drop her dog off (I was gonna dog sit while she went to her mom’s for christmas). She said that she missed me, and I said I missed her too. We kissed, hugged, she cried, I kissed her tears. I said that when I got back from my trip (3 week trip to Philippines), we would spend more time together. So, I took my vacation trip. Only one email from me during this trip. When I got back 3 weeks later, I had to do some projects for my work that took up about 2 weeks of my time with out of town trips. I just said I was busy, and she said the same. Then, about a week after this, I got a call from her, saying that she was seeing someone else, and that she would always love me, and wanted me to always be in her life.
This DESTROYED ME. I begged, I promised everything. I told her I would wait for her if she would stop seeing this guy. she would but she said she was sorry, but that she had moved on. So, I said goodbye to her, and that I couldn’t wait for her if she was with someone else, but I was weak, and I texted her every night, begging, rationalizing, etc. About a week later, she texted me saying this: “I don’t know why I’m even telling you this because I’m still in the same spot as I told you. But maybe you can rest easier now knowing that I am not seeing anyone”.
Now, she is so distant, and will not talk to me. If she does, it’s only a few words. I asked her to meet me for a drink, and she said that she needs her time and space. I met up with her a couple of times since, to pick up medicine for the dog, and to drop off her spare car keys. Both times, she is very distant, and tries to avoid eye contact. I hug her and tell her I love her and miss her, kiss her on the cheek, but she says nothing.
What can I do? I want her back, I really love her, and I’ve had time to realize all this. Should I implement no contact? We already had a break of around 7 months… I have to be careful not to give her the feeling of abandoning her again.
Thank you in advance for any advice!
-W
I always loved her, but I felt like I didn’t want to be with her. After I finished school, I felt a great relief, like I could breathe again. It was at this time that I started to think about her more, and getting back with her.
Hey mate how are you getting on with your situation. Mine is very similar….broke up over not sure about kids and marriage. It’s been 9 months now and I really want her back
Hi clindseynz.
To be honest, not very well. I can’t sleep well, and I have trouble eating. I am utterly devastated. I just can’t figure out how she went from “I’ll wait for you” to “I’m not in love with you anymore” in a 6 month break. Four years, I thought she loved me more than that.
How about you? What’s your situation like?
Have you had anymore progress? are you doing no contact?
my situation kinda similar mate.. she really wanted the kids and marriage thing, which I totally understand. im now 38 and shes 37 so time isn’t on her side. I thought I would want to have kids with her but as time went on I just wasn’t sure ( I already have 2 boys of my own who both really liked her)
that was the big problem, well that and im shit at communication..but otherwise it was good.
We both came to the decision that we might have to break up for her to chase her dream of having a child. It killed me to see her go but thought I was doing the honourable thing you know. She moved away back to stay with her parents needed some space. We kept in contact and things but a few months ago she said she had to cut ties in order for her to move on which was fair enough…all the while I was back home just going through the motions. Anyway she has told me now she is starting to date again and it absolutely destroyed me…just like you…couldn’t eat, couldn’t go to work….walking around in a daze. Felt like I was in mourning like she had died almost…worst feeling ever. Told her I was heartbroken. But rang her and managed to say through my tears that she deserves to be happy.
but really…I want her back so bad…I took awhile to step back and think about things…just so it wasn’t jealousy overwhelming my emotions. Its been a couple weeks and I can honestly say I still love her…but…what now???
I really do want her to be happy but much rather that happiness be with me. I haven’t been in contact she has no idea I want her I think so really don’t know my next move..don’t want to push her further away ya know?Wow, our situations are so similar. When I broke up with her, I told her we both need to think about the things that are really important to us. For her, it was marriage and kids. I really do want to marry her, but she was putting so much pressure on it, and I because I was doing poorly in my classes, I thought that I wouldn’t be able to get married soon. I have been no contact with her for the most part. I asked to her to see a movie last week, but she said she was already seeing it with her friend. Other than that, we haven’t talked, and she has moved on, and I’m pretty sure she’s dating. I was on Tinder, and I saw her on there. It fucking killed me man… her profile said she is looking for her soulmate on Tinder… I thought that was me >.<
Yeah, it’s tough. Like they say, “If you chase a dog, it will run away”. You should let her know that you want to work on things, and if she changes her mind, to let you know. THEN, initiate no contact. Let her know where you’re at, then give her the space to make her own choice. That’s what I’m doing. I don’t have much hope for us, but it’s not my choice to make, so I will give her space, and time. You’re not alone friend. I feel your pain.
I don’t think no contact is the right rule for this one because you dumped her.
I think you need to talk to her honestly about her feelings and work it through that way. Tell her honestly if you want to get married and have a family or not. And listen to her answer. See if both of you want the same thing from a relationship. Focus on listening to what she says and what she wants.
You put your wants and needs ahead of hers. You moved your friend in, you moved out, you broke up, etc. You didn’t prioritize the relationship. You have to be honest about whether you are willing to do that. Have you had a full conversation with her about it? She seems like she might be open to having one. If your interests aren’t aligned, you should be willing to move on. But no contact here seem counter productive.
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