How to get her back from her new man? (Not a rebound)

[JohnJ786]

@patricia12

Those were the main differences… she thought I wouldn’t marry her if her dad didn’t approve… but it was just something I read online and it had been instilled in her brain as she misinterpreted it the wrong way

Also, people from my culture typically dont celebrate christmas, halloween etc and she assumed I would think the same way, I said I never did growing up but if she wanted to , we would.. but she saw it as we didnt see “eye to eye” on this

And just stuff like that.. it’s kinda dumb

One of my friends told me to just cut her off and never look back, as she “played me for a fool” by catching feelings for a guy she only saw 4-5 times MAX last year… just by texting him more

Do you think what she did is something unforgivable? She would tell me she loves me, then in the back of her mind she would have these ignored feelings for this guy which she didnt want to come face to face with… it seems very off to me

I decided today I wouldnt do NC, I would just keep speaking to her how we have been as its been very nice for the most part, she’s responsive and talks a lot to me. Is that a good idea? I feel her and the other guy may be getting closer tohugh as he sent her a box of a flavor of tea she had been craving to her workplace to surprise her…. I feel these things will get her to fall in love with him very soon ://

[patricia12]

@JohnJ786 What is her culture and what is yours? If she was texting another guy while you were in a relationship with her, that would be difficult to forgive. And he sent her a box of tea.. she might be encouraging him to become more involved with her. If that’s the case, it would be best to cut her off. But if you want to continue with her, send her the guitar video and speak to her if you want.

[JohnJ786]

@patricia12

We are both middle-eastern.. We had a talk about things last night and I clarified some things. I think it helped but it is hard to shake those opinions of someone off.. I hope over time they do change but she did thank me for clarifying

And yes, I feel they are getting more serious now. A month ago, she would be telling me she’s still processing her feelings for him, they’ve only said they like each other and are just friends, but now they seem to be getting a little more involved… even though they still won’t see each other for another 6 months..

I sent her the guitar video 2 nights ago, she said she really liked it but that was all..

I am feeling that this is over for good now. It is crazy to me as this time last year, if I had told her things would be how they are right now, she would not have believed it as she was so deep in love with me back then. She said last night we ended in April 2019, and after that until end of December was just “confusion” for her, “and yeah there were some genuine moments but mainly confusion”

I wish there was a switch I could flip to turn my feelings off for her as this is the most painful part of it all.. she really has moved on and is not looking back. She seems pretty stable with this new guy.. I see them going the distance, but I don’t know for sure since 6 months is a long time :/

I think I am going to try and cut contact from her, as I keep remembering our good times and getting really sad.. I do want to talk to her but I can’t help but feel sad every time we do, as i remember she is probably calling this new guy all the cute nicknames and terms of endearment she would call me

[patricia12]

@JohnJ786 I understand this is a very sad time for you, but try not to think of the past good memories. Every couple who ever broke up had memories. Think more on the here and now. She is interested in someone else and that’s a fact. Cutting contact seems like the logical thing to do at this time.

Maybe try to date others and see what happens.. Then later on in August, if she contacts you and she isn’t with the other guy, you two could have a conversation. And then again, by then, you might be interested in someone else.

Wishing you the best going forward:)

[patricia12]

PS: Where are you and is she returning to the same town or close by?

[JohnJ786]

@patricia12

Thank you! I think I am going to tell her I don’t have feelings for her anymore, and set some boundaries so that we can be friends. I want this to happen as I feel there aren’t any boundaries set right now, and it’s something that will get her to respect me more. I don’t think she has much genuine respect for me right now. And then I will cut contact for a few weeks

Also, to answer your question, I am from Europe, she is abroad working right now until August. When she comes back, she will be studying at my university again for 2 more years, and will live around 20 mins away. I will end up seeing her often after my hospital rotations in the afternoons but throughout the day, I won’t be able to meet up with her for lunch or anything anymore as we always used to do before when we were “just friends” and caught feelings for one another. I feel that is a huge obstacle in the way of “getting her back” as I think our in-person attraction is what fuels everything. What she says over text is not usually how she feels when she sees me in person. Even after we broke up, she would cold over text but lovey lovey in person, because she could physically see me and not be able to fight her feelings, which were obviously there but which she was denying over text. It will be difficult to meet up other than for a short coffee for 20mins in the afternoon every few days or once a week, if she isn’t also working part-time in the afternoons and still dating that other guy, that is. Why do you ask?

Also, she only saw this guy 3 times last year and developed feelings for him over texting. There still is 6.5 months left before she arrives back in my city. They seem to progressing slowly now and getting more involved than they were a month ago, as he sent her that cute gift, that I know would’ve made her heart flutter. Since 6.5 months is a long time, and I know she stated that she thinks nothing will happen since she is so far for so long, do you think the possibility of them ending up together is high? Or is it more possible they do end up together? I feel it is early stages of their thing still and that’s why they are both very happy, but that does tend to die down a bit in the later stages which is after a few months… I know I shouldn’t focus on them but It would ease my mind hearing your opinoin. Thank you

[patricia12]

@JohnJ786 Don’t tell her you don’t have feeling for her anymore! That’s not true and lies won’t help you. You could set some boundaries, but you don’t have to mention feelings.. what sort of boundaries do you want to set??

I asked where you are and wondered if she would locate near you. Meetups are always easier if people live near each other. Does the other guy attend the same university or live in the same town? That would also make it easier for them to meet up. If she is more attracted to someone by seeing them in person, it’s possible she could decide she wants to be with you or him.

So it seems she’s very confused! Maybe after she returns in August and after spending time with each of you, she will have more clarity as to her feelings. Try not to think about the other guy or them together because nobody knows what will happen in the future.. Focus more on your studies..

One thing I know for sure is that when people fall deeply in love with each other, those feelings don’t fade easily or quickly. It doesn’t matter if they are near of far apart (for some reason), the feelings remain. And yes, in the beginning of a loving relationship, the passion is intense and over time lessens somewhat, but the love deepens into a more mature sort of love which can last a lifetime!

[JohnJ786]

@patricia12

For some reason my post didnt post, so I will copy and paste it:

@patricia12

I just told her I want to be friends, for now and the future. I think it puts her on edge if she knows I have feelings for her still, makes her push me away. So this way, if she only sees me as a friend and I only see her as a friend, it will be easier for her to talk to me.

Yes, she would be pretty closeby. Not walking distance but maybe a 15-20 min drive, but like a 40min to 1 hr bus journey bc we live in a city. She would most likely be working in the city centre, where I go sometimes to shop so I would be able to see her then too.

He lives around the same distance away from her, but a more complicated route.

See I feel she is confused as well, but she seems very set on her choice right now to be with him. She said to me “We ended in April. From then until end of December it was confusion. There were some genuine moment but mainly confusion” – paraphrasing here but she is talking about her feelings for me. She was confused if she loved me or not

She met up with him once over summer, a couple of days before she left. She told me earlier this month when she broke the news about the new guy, that she felt something for him when they went to get coffee and she felt very guilty afterwards, because on one hand, you’re telling your “man” you love him, and on the other hand, you think you might have feelings for this guy. You get what I mean?

And I understand that last paragraph, but in what context are you saying it? Are you saying that her feelings will remain for him over the next 6.5 months? She knows for sure she doesn’t “love” him, it’s only a crush they have for each other that is growing right now.. She told me last week on V day: “I think you think me and him are more than we actually are x” when I implied he’s her valentine, etc. I know love doesn’t fade for a long time, but casual feelings/crush for a person might be different no?

And again the last paragraph, she would always be saying she loved me end of last year, but she switched up and said she didn’t one day? Does that mean her love for me IS in there somewhere? I also understand that as at the start of our relationship, we were very passionate and intense, for a good 5-6 months, then there was a little drop off, where it was a more mature form of love. I feel at that time, she thought she fell out of love with me but it was just us transitioning from that “honeymoon” period to the more mature feelings, and I felt it happen within myself too at that exact time.

I may sound delusional, but I feel the next time we see each other, those feelings she had for me and said she doesn’t anymore, they may just rush back for her as they always have when we’re around each other. I remember we broke up last April, like a month later as we got more close and she got more comfortable, we kissed in the changing rooms of a store after about a month of being broken up. She told me later that night she doesn’t want to do it again as she doesn’t love me anymore so it feels weird to her. The next day or couple days after, we went out to a bar/restauarant place to chill and talk, and she had been drinking a little bit, but she told me to close my eyes and then kissed ME out of nowhere, I don’t want to get explicit but she would also keep telling me at that time that I turn her on so much etc… I feel the alcohol helped put that on, but after that moment, we kissed every time we saw each other, which was maybe once or twice a week, for the rest of that summer

Edit: would like to add that they’re no where near to being in a relationship right now, as she said she doesn’t want to jump directly into anything after me, and she is just “going with the flow” atm, taking it day by day with him and not worrying about what they are. She even says they’re not much of anything right now and won’t be for a while “if not ever”. As well as this, I know it will take a lot for her to fall in love with him, as it took her a lot to fall for me, we had this undeniable spark when we first met that she’s never felt with anyone before. When i ended our thing that year, she kept having feelings for me and at the end of August 2018, she told me she loves me and I’m the love of her life etc. and it took her a year and a half (since we met) to say it, and she was so sure of a futurw with me and so happy to be with me. With him, she is not sure about a “future” with him i know, she is just feeling it out atm and she says she’s “just chillin”. I know, and she knows as well, that he wants a relationship though further down the line but she says she doesn’t know right now if she will or not (said this at the start of Feb.)

[patricia12]

@JohnJ786 Okay, since she is so confused, telling her you want to be friends might put her at ease; thereby reducing the pressure of having to make a quick choice between you and the other guy.

You wrote:”..she felt something for him when they went to get coffee and she felt very guilty afterwards, because on one hand, you’re telling your “man” you love him, and on the other hand, you think you might have feelings for this guy. You get what I mean?” Yes, I understand that, but sorry I’m a little confused about all the dates/years so my question is: were you ever in a committed romantic relationship with her at the same time she was communicating with the other guy and going on coffee dates with him? If you were, that would be cheating, but if just friends it would be permissible..

You wrote:”..she would always be saying she loved me end of last year, but she switched up and said she didn’t one day? Does that mean her love for me IS in there somewhere?” She is so confused!! Sometimes people think love is gone when the passion fades and maybe that’s what she reasoned in her head. It might help her to understand by reading/learning about the stages of romantic love which can be found on the internet.

I don’t think you’re delusional about the possibilities of her feelings rushing back when she sees you, but what concerns me is that her feelings come and go.. True love doesn’t behave like that. Falling in love is a gradual process and there might be doubts along the way, but when a person concludes deep love is in the heart and mind, the love is constant and steady..

You wrote:”Are you saying that her feelings will remain for him over the next 6.5 months?” No, I’m not saying that and neither of us have the answer. She says she doesn’t love him, and yes, casual feelings/crushes can burn out, but after she sees him in person her feelings might grow much stronger. And yet, I think you have a much better chance of rekindling her love:)

Lastly I would suggest if she had any troubles issues with you that you try to recall them and make any necessary improvements to heighten your chances of re-uniting.

[JohnJ786]

@patricia12

I will reply to the paragraphs accordingly so it doesn’t get mixed up. This will be very long I’m sorry but I’ll try help you understand the times of everything. I apologise this will be extremely long so take your time to reply 🙂

1st Para:
I met her in 2017, spark was there I liked her, she liked me (maybe more than I liked her). I ended it against my will a few months later, she was very heartbroken and hurt.

In late 2017, she dated this guy (James) for like 2-3 months max. She said it was boring and we became friends and started flirting a lot in the middle of that. So she lost interest in him, bc she always just wanted me and wasn’t over me, and I was showing interest again so it fizzled out with that guy

Then, We became friends, she was dating someone else summer of 2018 but we ended up in a committed relationship from start of September 2018 to first week of April 2019 and she told me she loved me at the end of August 2018.

During our relationship, James would repeatedly ask her out, and she would make up some kinda excuse to avoid him. He would always ask her on dates, coffee, etc. Even when she told him she had a boyfriend and doesn’t think it’s appropriate to go out with someone she used to see, he would be a nice guy but still ask her out. Eventually, they stopped speaking as much but he would still pop up once or twice a week. She said she only ever saw him as a friend and was so confused why I was upset at them talking, bc she only only ever saw him as a friend when we were together. But clearly he liked her and she understands now why that would’ve been annoying for me. They met up once in college, as he was there promoting some app company he works for. She also said she didn’t want to cut him off because he has a chronic illness and she would feel bad forever if anything ever happened to him and wanted to stay friends.

After she broke up in April 2019, she was hot/cold with me. Cold over text, but in person she would be very loving and I could tell she had feelings for me just by the way she would look at me or talk to me. Over text, she would flirt a lot, screenshot my selfies, call me “hot” and “sexy” etc. We would chill in college and study and she would be stroking my hair, kissing my cheek etc. She even said that she wants to kiss me so bad but she doesn’t want to confuse me. But by the end of May we ended up kissing like I mentioned and we did it every time we saw each other since. After we broke up, she would be very depressed and would cry everyday bc she hated her life, and I would console her, meet up with her and make her feel better, which she acknowledged and appreciated so much.

After she broke up with me, I jokingly said she can finally be with James now, but she laughed at that so much and said “never” and I asked her about it recently and she said she meant that, she only saw him as a friend and nothing else. When we were together she would tell me how it was the worst dating him and it was so boring and she knows they didn’t/don’t work out so she would never go back to him etc…. but now she is saying that it WAS boring dating him, but she feels like “we got to know each other better” and thats why she likes him now…

During this time, they kept up contact but didnt ever see each other or meet up, she was too busy with seeing me all the time and working etc. We were “seeing each other”/dating but she would go through phases of feeling very happy with me, calling me baby, sweetheart, flirting etc. and then there would be days where she would be very cold with me and say she doesn’t have feelings for me. But as summer went along, the periods of liking me went on for longer and she would start saying stuff like “i’m actually obsessed with you like I am obsessed with you” etc. This was August I believe but she always talked like this with me over summer too. Actually in June, she started saying she loves me for a short period of time. She went on a family holiday and kept saying she cant wait to come back and see me. I dropped her off/picked her up at the airport too and she was so so happy to see me both times. We would hold hands/kiss etc the whole journey to the airport.

At the start of September is when her birthday was and I got her a very sweet romantic gift (jewellery) and she loved it a lot. Over that month, we stayed very stable and saw each other a lot.

At the end of September, we spent a night at a hotel together as we never got to have a sleepover before even when we were bf/gf bc of our strict parents. But that night, she told me she loved me and “doesn’t know why she doesn’t say it but she does feel it”, and that I’m the love of her life etc. She also said “we never really actually broke up” and we laughed about it. She always did clearly have feelings for me after we broke up. Next morning, she was saying the same things and said it was like waking up in heaven that morning. That next day, we went on a date after the night together and it was a very sweet day. When we both went home, she kept telling me every 2 minutes about how much she misses me and wishes she was with me etc. It felt so so nice. The next day, we went out with a friend of ours who always third wheeled and spent time chilling with college friends. I think the day after that, she met up for coffee with that James guy. Then that next day, she came to see me in college and say goodbye to her college friends too. I drove her to her bus stop to go to the airport and we both recall nearly crying when I walked away after I dropped her off

When she left and moved away, we talked every day and flirted all the time and said we loved each other every single day. It felt like the distance didn’t even matter and it grew over time.

Mid December, I had exams and was being distant because I was busy but still made sure to talk to her and reassure her I loved her etc. She got upset one night as she thought I was losing feelings for her and I reassured her it wasn’t the case. Last 2 weeks of December, she would say she can’t wait to spend a life with me, we would be sending each other houses we’d like to live in, she even told me she hates men and never wants babies but “I’ll have yours maybe bc i love u and id die for u” and following that she said ” i cant believe the love of my life is you”… these would all be texts she would send when I’d be asleep and I would wake up to them and be so happy. A week before december ended, she sent me a morning text saying:

“You’re literally the most beautiful and most precious thing in my life I can’t believe I know you and I can’t believe I get to LOVE YOU EVEN!!! My sweetie you make me so happy and I hope I make you happy too. Its such a blessing knowing I can count on you and no one gets me like u and no one knows me like you

I cant wait to see you I love you so so so much

My sweetheart”

We weren’t in a committed relationship, however as she still didn’t want to be in one and I was happy just living in the present being in love and she agreed.

Then, at the end of december, she told me that she was going through a cycle in her mind about me, where she would love me, but it would always be “short-lived” as she would remember how I made her feel when I broke her heart and hurt her back in 2017 and she would feel very small. Then, she would forget this quickly and go back to loving me and it was so “back and forth” in her head it started making her very unstable and she saw “me and you” as a “toxic cycle”

Come to find out, That James guy and her kept contact as friends through this whole time, they talked often (obviously not much as her and I) but she told me her feelings for him “kept coming back”. He told her he liked her at the end of December (he had confessed a few times before) and she realised what me and her had had got too unstable for her and was becoming destructive for her so she told me she wanted to end it. When she ended it, she realised she had “lingering feelings” for him too this whole time, which she had ignored since they first popped up over that summer 2019 that just passed last year. And she said while they have acknowledged they like each other, they haven’t really said more than that (she told this to me at the start of February).

I feel our sitaution got too toxic for her due to her overthiking (she agrees w this) and that as soon as it started being destructive, she realised she had feelings for James that she never wanted to come face to face with but now that we ended things, she felt it was now okay to address her feelings for him. This was at the end of December 2019 and they have been “talking” ever since.

2nd Para:

I don’t think she will be open to researching this, I brought it up to her back in April when we broke up but she didn’t think much of it bc the last thing she wanted in her life at the time was a relationship. Her life was so messed up, she didn’t know what she was going to do when she graduates, she was being forced to move away by her parents to a boring place she hates, etc. It was a lot and she got depressed, like I said. She actually told me once that she doesn’t know if I would even ever take her back but she needs time to “not be this mess, stablise, figure out wtf I want”… One day a couple of weeks after we broke up in April, she said she regrets it sometimes and questions if she made a huge mistake because I’m an amazing guy who she gets on with amazingly and who loves and treats her amazingly, but she knows she doesn’t want a relationship rn so she’s sticking with her decision. Even her friends were confused why she broke up and they tried to support her by saying she made the right decision, but even they would tell her there’s literally nothing wrong with me and would miss having me around too.

3rd Para:

The thing is, for the first 6 months out of 7 of relationship, that love was completely stable for her and she never had ANY doubts about me. But that time came as I mentioned in the 2nd paragraph that her life got very unstable and she started having all these doubts and “completely lost feelings”. I think it was because she would feel like she has no self-respect or dignity by allowing herself to be in love with me, because of how I treated her in 2017 and that’s why she got so back and forth and on/off with me since then.

Her life being very unstable was directly related to her overthinking and having anxiety about our relationship and the fact she loved me, but felt like it was wrong since I hurt her in 2017 and every time we would be cute, it would remind her of how I hurt her in 2017 and she would get upset and fall into that cycle, as I talked about before

4th Para:

Why do you think I have a stronger chance of rekindling her love? I feel like she sees him as this man who has always been so sweet to her and never hurt her or was mean to her, and every other guy she’s dated has been, including me. She said she hopes to meet someone who has treated her perfectly since the very beginning. And she said those things in December, when she would be saying she loves me etc. She said she only showed me the happy, loving moments and never the down, upset moment of that toxic cycle she was in, but when she did that was one of them

5th Para:

Yes, we talked about her misconceptions of me last night and I feel I cleared up some things for her, so hopefully it helped her iron out the misunderstandings we would have.

[patricia12]

@JohnJ786 Okay, so long story short, you haven’t been in a committed relationship with her since April 2019. She and James got to know each other better over time + like each other, but apparently she’s not in love with him.

You wrote:”..she even told me she hates men and never wants babies but “I’ll have yours..” WOW, that doesn’t sound good at all! I understand she hasn’t been treated well by other men she’s dated and apparently that affected her very negative view of men in general. And yet she doesn’t seem to understand that all men are not alike in that regard. She wants love and respect. She seems to want a wonderful smooth sailing happy relationship. But in reality, every relationship hits a bump in the road occasionally. Dedicated couples learn how to interact with each other in order resolve the issues and continue their loving relationship. Sometimes forgiveness, compromise, changes etc.. are warranted, but whatever the issues, they work together to resolve them!

The so-called “toxic cycle” seems to be of her own making — in her own head. And the 2017 hurt she mentions is apparently when you broke up with her. Were there any other ways you hurt her back then? If she were to read articles about conflict resolution, she would learn how to address any hurts or problems properly instead of harboring resentments.

You wrote:”..she realized what me and her had had got too unstable for her and was becoming destructive for her so she told me she wanted to end it.” She had been saying she loved you even though you weren’t in a committed relationship at the time and yet she felt guilty because she was still talking with James. Therefore she wanted to end the lovey dovey friendship with you?

She is aware of information in books and on the internet about the stages of love, but she had been overloaded with stress due to confusion about her future life goals and didn’t want to be in a relationship with you and broke up with you in April 2019. I might add: most women would stay in a loving supportive relationship in spite of outside problems, but some choose to end a relationship because they feel like they can’t handle the pressure of both. They want to settle down and become more emotionally stable before they can enjoy a relationship to the fullest.. Now it seems there are 2 reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship; Concern/confusion with her life goals and her conflicted feelings for you and James.

I think you have a stronger chance of rekindling her love because of the things she said; ” I can’t believe the love of my life is you” “..My sweetie you make me so happy..” “It’s such a blessing knowing I can count on you and no one gets me like you and no one knows me like you. I can’t wait to see you I love you so so much my sweetheart”. She said all these very loving serious things even though you weren’t in a committed relationship at the time. And now it seems you’re both on the way to understand each other better by ironing out her misconceptions of you.

Please try not to be discouraged and don’t dwell on the past. Time will tell how this all works out..

[JohnJ786]

@patricia12

Yes, she clarified she didn’t have any feelings for him whatsoever when we were together. She dated this other guy, lets call him Mark, in August 2018. I told her how I felt at the start of August as end of July she said she felt something for me when we met up once, but the next day she backtracked and said she didn’t have feelings… but anyway I told her how I felt and she denied me and told me she was seeing this guy Mark that August 2018… 3 weeks later, she noticed herself losing interest in him and gaining interest in me, then they ended and she jumped into a relationship with me – she was so sure about me and so happy

In April 2019 when she broke up, she said looking back now, she was so confused she thought she still had feelings for Mark (which she didn’t, but she was so confused that she THOUGHT she did)

I asked her if this is what’s happening here and she said she doesnt think so, and I agree because its been 2 months now and she still likes him so yeah lol

but to answer your questions, yes her and James got to know each other better after we broke up as they would text from time to time as friends, although me and her texted and met up a whole lot more. She didnt see him all summer until a couple days before leaving, like I said.

And the “i hate men” comment, i don’t think she hates men genuinely but you know how some girls say “men are trash” etc she would say that and say “except you” … and the babies thing was mainly about her not wanting to conform to the expectations held by women in our culture, to get married, have babies, cook, clean etc.. she would tell me she doesn’t want to get married for a long long time

And yes, she couldn’t handle being in a relationship while going through those things inher life, it got too much for her but I stayed and supported her through it

Her 2 reasons for not wanting to be with me NOW are:
1. The unstable toxic cycle of overhtinking she goes thorugh when she loves me, or when we’re cute with each other or flirt with each other

2. Her feelings for this guy James, which she claimed to have developed them last summer, ignored them, but they kept coming back and she didnt want to come face to face with it until it ended with me, and I guess him telling her he liked her, it pushed her to end things with me too due to the lingering feelings she had. I guess she did love me, but the toxic cycle she would always go through made her lose feelings and think its not worth it anymore and too unstable, and so decided to part ways with me and explore her feelings for James.

She actually told me that her love for me was strong enough to overlook those thoughts she would have as she would remind herself of who I am today, but her love for me was not strong enough anymore to overlook those thing and thus, she decided it was not worth going through and was making her very unstable and sad all the time

And in 2017, I did end things with her yes, which hurt her a lot. I dont want to get into specifics but she had this jealous BFF who would always make stuff up about her and tell me lies about her which I would believe bc she was her BFF, and she would do the same to her, she would tell her I’m not serious etc and make her insecure etc. So one night in June 2017, the BFF winded me up all night and i got angry at my girl, the next day the BFF got me to confront her about the things (lies) the BFF told me about her, that she was talking behind my back, saying bad things about me, making up lies about me, etc. and I confronted my girl the next day and I was very mean to her. She was so confused bc she didn’t do anything, but I didnt know that then. I was manipulated and used as a person to hurt that girl through me, via her BFF.

She said this was what she couldnt get over even though Ive treated her amazingly ever since we got together in 2018, she just couldn’t stop associating how small and weak and insecure she felt back then with me, the person. But recently she has told me she is going to make an effort to completely dissociate me from the person I was back then, and how mean, rude and terrible I was to her back then. I was truly taken advantage of by the BFF and I hate the BFF for it so much. A very toxic person to have in anyones life, she would always gossip and try start drama.

And the thing you said, about me having a better chance of rekindling things, she would always always say such loving things like that to me last year, and it got stronger as the year went on, being strongest in December. We would even talk about our future and how much money we’ll make in a couple years and she even said “we’re gonna be so rich” etc. and that she cant wait to travel with me, and she can’t wait for a future with me etc. She even asked me in December if I saw her as “a fun time” and nothing else, and I told her I absolutely dont and I genuienly love her, and I asked her if she just saw me as a fun time and she said no. She also talked to me that night about getting married in the next few years with me, and jokingly said “I’m just mad you won’t marry me in a year” (it was a joke of course, but you know what I mean? She did see a future with me in those moments)

She told me that when she would say those sweet things to me, it would be when she was in the “loving” phase of that toxic cycle, and she said it would “ALWAYS ALWAYS be short-lived” as she would fall back into overthinking and being upset with me about the past, feeling like she’s throwing her dignity and self-respect away by just allowing me to be with her in that way. She would quickly make her self stop and forget this and go back to loving me and yeah, the cycle slowly drove her crazy and when James told her how he felt, she realised “us” was getting destructive for her and she couldn’t do it anymore, and realised she still had feelings for him. She said she never planned to tell him, but it was only when he confessed how he felt (and he did a few times, but the most recent time was end of december) that she felt it was okay to then address it, and she feels she has the right to explore these feelings she has for him too

Sorry this is so long, just giving you additional information

Edit: Just want to also add, she knew I had apprehensions about if she would switch her feelings up for me while she was abroad, and she said:

“Hey

I love you

And I promise nothing will change once I come back”

And, one night in December, she was also scared that with her being there, I would forget about her and lose feelings for her and I promised her I wouldnt, and she said she knew she wouldn’t and promised me too (pinky promised), then about a week or two later, all this was happening lol.

[JohnJ786]

@patricia12

This is a log of some convos leading up to us ending at the end of December if you’re interested in reading:

Before Friday the 27th Dec… :

* Sunday the week before (15th Dec)
* Sent me loads of snapchats while I slept complaining about men
* Said “Except u I’ll have ur baby maybe bc I love u and I’d die for u”.
* Also one like “I can’t believe the love of my life is you”

* Monday (16th Dec)
* Said she can’t wait to see me
* Said “Dont forget me :((“
* And I told her that I’m gna feel the exact same when she comes back (August 2020)
* She also said she’s going to feel the exact same and we both pinky promised over snaps
* In the morning, I woke up to texts “Hi just letting you know how much I adore you and love you my John and as usual I cannot wait to see you (heart emojis)”
* “I can’t, I’m actually obsessed w u what is this”
* “I LITERALLY LOOK AT U
* AND IM LIKE
* HOW THE FUCK
* AM I SO LUCKY
* You’re the love of my life
* My beautiful John”

* Tuesday the week before (17th Dec)
* Said every time she thinks about staying in the new country permanently for a bit she literally can’t bc of me
* Bc I’m “a HUGE factor”
* “Huge huge”
* Said she “loves me endlessly”
* Said she “can’t wait to travel with me and have a life with me”
* “My EVERYTHING OMG” …. “pride and joy”
* Also said “I think being so far away from you” … “Has made me appreciate you so much more”
* “My actual dream” … “You’re my actual dream”

* Wednesday the week before (18th Dec)
* She was so happy my exam went well, called me “my love” as normal
* Said “I can’t wait to go everywhere with u my whole world”

* Thursday the week before (19th Dec)
* Said she loves me millions
* Sent a meme about smelling your man and its squidward with love hearts going in his nose
* Said her life is so tasteless without me
* And sent me her post of a picture she took of somehting in an art museum that said “Life without you… Never” and said this was made for you
* Said she loves me, I’m her angel etc etc

* Tuesday, a couple days before (24th Dec)
* She said she wishes she could literally give me all the love in the world
* “My beautiful John
* So proud of the man you are”

Friday (27th Dec.) = she booked flights and started feeling off bc:
* She booked flights home, and I guess James also told her how he felt. She was thinking about how destructive our thing is and if she can go on with it, like this. Also was thinking about her feelings for James but she didn’t tell me these things until earlier this month, at this time on the 27th she said she just needed some space bc she wants to enjoy living in the new country and talking to me all the time makes her miss me and makes her miss home and she gets sad… so I agreed and didn’t think much of it, wanted her to feel happy as she has hated the new place ever since she moved and has felt trapped all the time

* I asked if it was something I did she said:
* Noo you did nothing at all at all
* Like absolutely nothing
* I’m just not feeling me
* Nothing to do with you
* Just feel very off and emotionless these days idk

[patricia12]

@JohnJ786 How do you remember the dates and what she said? Are you keeping a diary?
I don’t know what your major is in college, but try to focus more on your studies and less on her.

[JohnJ786]

@patricia12

I just remember writing it down at the time as we would talk on instagram and you cant save convos so I would screenshot cute things she’d say bc it would make me feel nice when I’d read them later haha

When she told me she wanted to end things I was confused so I looked back to see if she gave any hints to what was up or if I did anything

[Author]

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