How to contact her after NC, long-distance relationship

[improvinglemon]

Hello everyone,

I will try to keep it short, but I think some details will help you to understand better.

I was in a long-distance relationship for some years, we lived together las year, she had to leave because she didn’t find a job, so she went back to her parents to start studying again.

We kept contact and met again in Easter, everything was great, then I felt things changed a bit, we started to lose contact ; so when she came here this summer I asked her if something was wrong, she told me she felt lost about everything in life and asked me if we could stay friends if we would break up, but we should spend the summer as if nothing happened.

I think it’s useless to say that summer wasn’t great ; we went to her parents, she mostly ignored me (texting friends, not talking), I was sad, we argued about stupid things. Everything we shouldn’t have done.

Before leaving, I asked her if she made up her mind, she started crying again and wanted to be in my arms, she told me she was sorry and that she loved me, but she didn’t know. When I arrived home, she told me she needed space, she asked me to call her, she was crying, I tried to comfort her and I told her I understood.

After one month she told me it was over, by phone (that hurt a lot). She told me it was because she felt we’ve changed, that I didn’t support her enough in her projects and didn’t want to end up arguing like her parents, but she wanted to stay friends.

I refused to stay friends and told her she could have told me this summer in person, so we agreed to meet. When we met, I told her I didn’t need more explanation, I excused myself if I acted desperate and told her it was better for her to move-on but that it was better if we didn’t kept contact.

We spent a nice week-end, like nothing happened, like a couple, holding hand and kissing. She went on her train and I said her goodbye, she was crying, I didn’t look back.

I immediately applied the non-contact rule after that and sent her stuff back with UPS, I had to “break” the non-contact because she needed informations about what was in the packages for the delivery, I answered shortly but politely and told her I was busy.

Then she sent me pictures of some things that broke during the trip, telling me I knew how much she cared for it, I felt really bad because it wasn’t my intent at all and just wanted her to get her stuff back… I didn’t answered.

Now she texted me again asking me if I forgot to send her a some books and dvd (I didn’t), telling me she didn’t want to talk but if I could answer it would be kind. I didn’t answered.

Her comportment on the social media is strange, the first days she was acting confident and showing how great her life was going (but I saw it wasn’t genuine and forced), but now she’s starting to post picture and stuff that we shared in common with sad status.

I feel strange, the non-contact period that I fixed will soon end (next week), I kind of moved on and accepted that we’ll maybe never go back together, sometimes I feel really great but sometimes I just start to cry because I really love her ; so I don’t know if I’m ready to contact her again.
I guess I could use a little help, and an external view could be useful ?

I thank in advance everyone who’ll take time to read and answer me.

[lauraa]

Take your time, and remember just because the NC period has ended it doesn’t mean your automatically ready to talk to her again. Maybe some more time is needed to figure out what you want.

[improvinglemon]

Thank you.
I was planning to send her a text message remembering her that a show we used to watch was starting again, but due to the circumstances that I’ve explained, I think it would sounds strange.

I’m thinking about writing a letter, we used to do it a lot when we started dating and I’m more at ease with it.

[improvinglemon]

So I’ve come up with this letter, but I would like an external opinion, I don’t want to mess things up.

Dear (her name),

I’m writing you to let you know I’ve accepted your decision, we’ve crossed each other’s path and now it’s time to move on. I regret to not have broken up with you earlier, when I saw things weren’t right.

My attitude after the break up has been rude and I wanted to apologize for it.

I’ve received some good news in my life and things will get well, it’s strange how time seems to play with us.

Hope you’ll figure out your problems.

Goodbye.

Also, I’ve received a text message from her parents because they wanted to know if I was alright, they couldn’t call because she’s always home. So I know that she isn’t doing well,she goes to bed really late and wake up at 12am ; it hurts because I wish I could help her. I just told them not to worry about me but to take care of themselves and that we’ll find time to call. (I stayed in good terms with them)

I feel better but also sad.

[patricia12]

First of all, you say you were in a long distance relationship with her for some years. How many years? Then you lived together last year. How long did you live together? Wondering if you could have continued to live together in spite of the fact she didn’t find a job? Why didn’t you support her project endeavors and what were they? What were all the arguments about? What does she went back to her parents “start studying again” mean? Could she have stayed with you will she pursued her studies? Study what? Did you talk about marriage? What are her problems you mentioned in the letter? And finally how far apart are you now?? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to understand..

Your letter is okay if you want to give up, move on, and say a final goodbye. However, if you want to leave things open and possibly someday reconcile, you should think about making some changes to it. Such as: don’t say it’s time to move on. Apologize and specify in what way you were rude after the break up. Let her know what the good new is that you received. Offer to help in any way you can with her problems if she wants to contact you about them. In other words “I’m here if you need me”.

Glad to hear you’re on good terms with her parents, that’s always a plus:) I know you’re sad as it’s always very difficult to go through a break up!

[patricia12]

*Correction: What does she went back to her parents to “start studying again” mean? Could she have stayed with you while she pursued her studies?

[improvinglemon]

Hello and thank you very much, don’t worry about all your questions, it’s actually a great way to think about everything.

I will try to answer them by order :

We were together for 6 years now, we lived from end 2014 to end 2015 together ; when we met, we were already in two different countries and were both studying, so we saw each other every 3 months ; I finished my studies in 2012 and immediately started to work ( I moved out mid 2014 and she came here end 2014).

When she was here, she really looked for a job but unfortunately she didn’t find one and her parents didn’t want her to study here, because it was too much expensive, I proposed her to pay for it and she refused because she told me it wasn’t right.

Due to immigration policies in my country, she had to leave because of her situation and we agreed that she would made specifics studies in her country that would help her find a job here. She was really sad to leave and told me she was just right and didn’t want to change anything. She let all of her stuff here.

(Also, we agreed not to marry just so that she could stay here, because it would have been a bad memory.)

So when she went back in her country, at first she didn’t know what to study and lately, she decided to make an art school (that will start this month), but it’s not like we talked about it, she decided all by herself ; she told me she felt I didn’t support her in that decision, and that she wanted to consecrate herself about her art and traveling the world.

The arguments she refers to are common I think ; at first when she came here, we argued because she didn’t help a lot with the house chores and I refused to go out the week-end until the house was clean (not leaving used cups everywhere, not leaving used tissues in bed, doing the bed in the morning, vacuuming, etc.) ; I even told her that she didn’t have to do all by herself and I helped her (one would clean the kitchen while the other cleaned the leaving room, for example…) and I saw a lot of improvement in her, we grow up together, we didn’t argue anymore ; then she had to leave and all her bad habits came again at her parents.

Also, she told me about an argument we had this summer : I overcooked by accident some vegetables and she was really upset and rude with me because of it, so, I was out of patience because it was one month she ignored me texting her friends and rude in general, I told her that she had an infantile behavior and I refused to be treated this way by a nobody who never proved anything in her life. (I apologized after it, but I know it was too late.)
All those little things seems to remind her about her parents and their daily arguments and she’s really afraid about that.

I think she’s depressed ; leaving me and going back to her parents is like if she made a step back in time and I can understand that ; she also told me that she doesn’t see the point in doing effort for each others, because in the end we would hate it (and argue like her parents, she’s really fixed with that idea) ; so now it’s like she found refuge in her dream of becoming a great artist and travel the world.

I feel sorry for her and I would like to support her in her projects, but at first I think she should get a job in which she would earn money and be independent instead of depending on her parents and being rude with them or with people who try to help her, so maybe she felt I didn’t support her because of that. I wanted to help her to grow up. It’s just my point of view and she would have a lot to tell about me.

Thank you for your advices about the letter, I think I need more time to think about it, sometime I just feel it’s over but then I really feel I miss her and all the good things about her.

People ask me often what I find so attractive in her and it’s just that we have a lot in common, we made each others discover new things, I like to travel with her, I like all the private jokes we had each others, knowing what she thought just by looking at her, all of that just felt right and I think we have still a lot to do together.

I also know that I have a lot to improve myself but I think she’s stuck with that biased idea that improvement = changes = bad ; it’s quite confusing.

[improvinglemon]

The situation hasn’t changed too much, I haven’t heard from her nor her parents.

I feel stuck and really sad, I feel it’s over but deep inside me something tell me that it is not and all I want to do is to write her, call her and tell her how much I love her, that it’s not over and we can do so much together. I perfectly know that’s not what I have to do and it’s hard.

I don’t want to be a cry baby and I feel like I am right now, but it would be really helpful to get some advices…

[patricia12]

Send the revised letter and see what happens..

[improvinglemon]

Her mom called me today because she wanted to know if I was doing good, she told me she couldn’t call before because her daughter is always home and now she’s finally find a moment to call.

She explained me that she hasn’t changed anything in her lifestyle, she stays at home all the time, she doesn’t see another man and she is really sad/depressed. She hasn’t talk about the break up, except that it hurts her that I didn’t want to keep contact.

These facts help me to think about what to write in the letter, it seems to me that the break up hurts her a lot and she isn’t sure about it, but it’s like she keeps to her decision not to seems like a fool.

I’ll try to improve my letter with the suggestions you told me and I will post it here to have a last opinion, then I’ll see what happens.

I also told her mom not to worry about me, that I’m doing good, I’m busy with work and everything will be fine but I’m really sad to know her daughter isn’t going well.

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