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Hi,
So I broke up with my ex girlfriend of 8 months about five weeks ago. At the end of the relationship it was really rough and both of us were in the wrong. The breakup was extremely bad, with an ultra heated yelling match, and it to the point that we threw away all remnants of each other (photos, gifts etc.), blocked each other on everything except phone numbers. Nasty nasty things were said. I left her and moved out.
I was always open to compromise and wanted to work through issues with communication and loving embrace, whilst she was more inclined to need space. I may have been somewhat smothering due to this, but it is how i resolve conflict. We both were insecure people with jealous tendencies. However, when she was jealous I would do everything within my power to try and help her feel special and appreciated, in order to resolve her insecure feelings. Whenever I got insecure or jealous she took it as a personal attack and became angry at me. (The double standards are realistically the root cause of why we split, but i never stopped loving her)
I went through no contact (at all) for about 5 weeks. Within the first three weeks I partied with my friends and slept with a couple of women through tinder. Didn’t date, but really wasn’t interested either as my feelings of love to the lady i parted with had not changed. None of this helped the way I felt. Each and every moment that should have been happy in this time I felt like I was sinking, Knotted in my tummy and manic with anxiety. For the past fortnight I have stopped smoking, started exercising and eating regularly, as my appearance (I believe I’m ugly) is much of what causes me insecurity. Ive identified the neediness, controlling behaviour and possibly not ambitious enough behaviour I display, which lost me respect and my masculine, protective edge on the relationship. I realised that a bit of space is needed in all relationships, and I wanna give it another crack now Ive identified and started working on my issues. (Obviously this takes time and is a work in progress, but I know I would give her the sufficient space she needs now and would work on my insecurities in my own time.)
She never contacted me, so I initiated contact and called her last Monday, I apologised and we spoke for an hour. I tried to keep it somewhat light, the (super personal) details around why the hurt happened from my behalf of leaving was addressed and she forgave me. I told her that I still loved her and she couldn’t deny that she still loved me, but wouldn’t say the words either. She said she wanted to be just friends. I told her Id like to catch up for a coffee and to see how she is going and she agreed to meet me the next day. We texted a bit and she told me she had to work at 6am the next day, so I suggested we meet up that night. She agreed. (Her texts weren’t extremely warm. like when we were together.) I should also mention that I saw her tinder profile as I was swiping during this time, but I don’t necessarily think that means she moved on as I slept with other people too, trying to heal.
We met up and I felt the biggest rush of relief come over my body. I got in the car and we started talking, we drove for a bit and stopped at a beach so she could have a cigarette. I got out the car and walked around her side and gave her a lengthy hug. We walked down to the beach but it was really cold. I put my arm around her and offered her my jumper. She kinda seemed uncomfortable and told me that we should go back to the car because it was too cold. Before we went up the stairs to the car she commented on my moustache and I told her to feel the stubble on my face and she did.
We got in the car and started driving down the coast towards a more populated area to grab coffee. As we were driving it was lots of laughs and light hearted conversation. She told me about some tough times and I wanted to support her so I put my hand on her shoulder as she drove. I then tried to hold her hand. She was apprehensive at first but then held my hand back. Throughout this she repeated to me that we were just friends, but she held my hand, the way she was toward me was somewhat romantic, standoffish a little.
We arrived near the coffee shop and walked hand in hand to the shop. As we were in the coffee shop I had my arm around her. She didn’t at all stop me and didn’t push me away. We got some food and coffee and sat outside, under a shelter, eating and talking. I was definitely still more affectionate than her, but I never wanted my intentions to be questioned. (I hope this wasn’t rude as she said that she just wanted friendship, but I can’t help but feel like she knew that I would be like this before coming, she seeming interested in the prospect of me.)
We walked toward another beach onto a pier, we joked and talked and cuddled, I kissed her on the head. As we nearly were back from the pier, I cuddled her and looked at her. I tried to kiss her, to which she puckered up to kiss me back and then at the last second pulls away. I play it cool even though I wanna kiss her so bad and it hurts, but I laugh it off. This took up about 3 hours. We still walk cuddling and hand in hand, back to her car. As we are driving back to my house we hold hands as she drives. She stops for petrol and we both get out the car, we walk inside the petrol station to pay and I point at something to show her and she rests her head on my chest to look. We get back in the car and still just talk lighthearted.
As we are nearly back at my house, I tell her to pull over so we can talk. We pull over and talk for a bit. She reminds me that I broke her heart and repeats it as if she is convincing herself to not be with me. She also kept phrasing that we were only friends, but her body language and gaze at me told me differently. I walk around the other side of the car to her side and ask her to cuddle me. She gets out and cuddles me. I try to kiss her but she pulls away. I ask for an Inuit kiss (Where you rub each others noses together) and she gives me one. I ask her for a kiss on the cheek and she says as long as I don’t turn my lips into it, so I agree and let her kiss me on the cheek. She still wasn’t keen for a kiss on the lips, but it was very flirty, we were still cuddling and I was definitely trying to initiate the affection relentlessly. I picked her up cuddling and she wraps her legs around me with my hands on her butt. I knew at this stage she was going to kiss me back now. I passionately kissed her with tongue for about five seconds. I think she may have initiated it ending. We talk a bit more and I try for some more kisses. She kisses me back and we hold hands.
Then we drive out and head to my house about a kilometre up the road. We pull over and talk some more and I have to work for some more kisses. I started whispering sweet nothings in her ear and start kissing her neck. We talk a little more but its late and she has an early start. As I get out the car she tells me she wants to tell me something. But then backs out. I tell her that she has planted the seed now and has to tell me. (I was hoping she was going to tell me that she loved me) She told me something kinda R rated about her at that moment, and told me she would tap me again one day. I ask when we can see each other next and she stops, thinks and says some time on the weekend. As she drives off she has her window down, she drives off really slow to make sure I go inside and says that she doesn’t want anyone kidnapping me.
I text her a joke and tell her to let me know that she got home safely. She texted back friendly and we joked for a bit. The next day, she texted me first thing in the morning. We exchange conversation via text throughout the course of the day but nothing of the frequency or bubbly kindness or lovingness of when we were together. I couldn’t tell whether we were flirting or not. As the day went on I said something like ‘When we kiss next it will be like this’, to which she replied, ‘just friends’. I then replied, ‘yeah, lets do it as homies’, she replies back, ‘Oh my god just stop’. I felt so sad and discouraged. I can only hope that the tone she texted it isn’t as serious as it reads there. I lightheartedly changed the subject without even acknowledging what she had just said.
We text for a couple of days but nothing super consistent or flirtatious. I did reciprocate the frequency of what she texted with slightly bigger paragraph bubbles, I guess as I was the one perpetuating the conversation. She would sometimes double text me back, but not often and she avoided as much emoji use which she used to use heaps for me. Then yesterday (Wednesday) I was texting her, it seemed infrequent and disinterested. Didn’t really question me much, and wasn’t hugely interested. I told her to call me to which she never did and never acknowledged why she didn’t. I got hugely anxious, so I went for a 2 hour walk at 10 at night. During this time she said she would call me, she just needed a shower. She never rang or explained herself, but texted me instead. I waited til I returned home to reply. This took some time. Im super conscious about replying immediately because I do not want to appear needy or desperate.
I texted her to ask her what time she started working tomorrow (which is now today). She said 6 am. I then ask if she wanted to catch up for coffee about tonight, to which she replies something along the lines of, ‘sure, or Friday.’ I say, yeah lets do Friday, which is tomorrow. I woke up this morning and she was somewhat friendly and even explained herself for falling asleep and apologised for not replying which, seeing as her texts are so infrequent currently seemed like a big deal to me as she would always apologise for taking ages to reply. (I don’t care about the frequency of the texts, Im just using them to gauge her interest levels in me). Her texts today were still infrequent and she did not really text me warm at all today. Not mean either but, she seemed disinterested. About an hour ago I text her telling her we would meet at 5-6 to which her reply was pretty cold just saying ‘can do’
to which I replied ‘keen’ and shared a picture of bart simpson.Am I in good stead? I know she still cares, but is the attraction there? Do I need to build more trust? Am I friend zoned? Has she moved on and she doesn’t wanna hurt me? I love her and wanna build together and hopefully the feeling will be reciprocated. Im so scared this next date will be far more cold and I won’t get to touch her and hold her and kiss her. I am also hoping that as she suggested Friday, maybe we could spend the night together and become intimate again as that would not hurt and I couldn’t think of anything more amazing than that right now. I just wanna hear her tell me she loves me. I hope she does not cancel
If she does cancel, do I do no contact again? If she completely denies my affection during this date do I recommence no contact? I am so lost.
I’m sorry to say it but it sounds like she is not interested anymore. You could try no contact again but I do not think that would make a difference.
I would be best for you to move on.
Hey, I mean no disrespect whatsoever questioning this. But, could you explain why? She still keeps talking to me.
Can you maybe explain why my situation in comparison to others that do have hope? I mean, we met up monday and kissed quite a bit. She had to cancel tonight, but Im 100% certain she is at work. She may still see me, she may not.
She does keep talking to you but only as a friend. She doesn’t try to make it more than that. You have done no contact and given her the chance to miss you but it sounds like she didn’t. In your post you keep saying that you try to initiate the kissing but she is either unwilling or tries to end it.
In comparison, other relationships lasted longer than 8 months. I’m not trying to downplay the importance of your time together and I’m sure she had a wonderful time too. But it sounds like she has moved on.
Update,
She ended up seeing me after work last night. We caught up and were intimate and spent the night together at her house. There were tears of sadness, and laughs of pure happiness. She told me she still loves me and that I hurt her by leaving so she wants to be friends right now. However, she also said she wants to see where her and I go, so I can regain her trust. She is definitely still hot and cold, everything is up and down. But her intimacy and kisses and the way that she looks at me let me know she is still about me. I know she is apprehensive, but now it is totally clear that she still is in love with me. She was so sad and hurt by me, and I truly feel like a terrible person, but she loves me and knows that Im genuine about her. I tried to keep it light, in order to do the other steps in Kevin’s plan, but it got so loving and passionate, but also sad and I had to tell her again how I felt. So, I somewhat slipped in trying to show the changed me to win her back, instead vocalising that I still love her. She is really guarded, but I honestly think its to protect herself from the fact that I left her. She told me she missed me between monday and friday too.
I am still working on bettering myself, but I want her to be my girl again. I know I am in with much more of a chance now. I just don’t know where to go from here aside from bettering myself and showing her I am a different guy now (albeit, still a long way away from where I wanna be). We have arranged to see each other again Monday or Tuesday. Please help, I don’t want our love to slip away.
It sounds like you are doing fine. Meeting each other occasionally, and gently getting back together, is the right course of action. Just make sure that you can control your emotions otherwise you will push her away and destroy the work you have done.
Keep making her at ease around you and her defenses will come down.
Thanks so much for the advice Gamecoder. Are you in the process of this yourself?
I definitely need to keep my emotions in check, its hard because I just wanna shower her in affection, but have to play my cards right. I honestly hope that this works. I truly love her. Whilst last night was amazing, I honestly should have been so much less emotionally driven, but seeing her was like this ultimate relief that came over me that I never wanted to lose again. Instead probably showcased desperation to have her back. If everything goes to plan and she sees me again Ill try much harder to do that.
One thing I truly hate is texting in between seeing each other. It honestly is hard to be yourself, whilst thinking of ways to ask thoughtful questions in order to build attraction. Not only that, but the playful banter is so much easier to achieve in person. It is also obvious that Im the chaser and have to perpetuate the conversation, which is definitely hard via text.
Yes I’m into the second week of NC myself. I have been trying other ways to get her defenses down but nothing worked so I told her I need distance. I know how it feels when you want to pour your heart out tell her that you have changed and it will be different if she gives you a chance. You can’t help but think of what is going through their mind and you panic that NC is pushing them away. But having yourself in their life is a constant reminder of all the negative emotions so you need to distance yourself so that they melt away.
It is a long and emotional process and you don’t know how it turns out in the end but you have to be strong and keep your emotions in check.
Best of luck and keep us posted :).
You’re super clever with your analysis of this. I truly wish you luck in getting your Ex back, did you remove your Ex off all social media? Do you plan on waiting a period of time and then re contacting your ex, or are you solely hoping that NC will incite your ex in reaching out to you? I hope that your endeavours to improve yourself bring you some piece of mind in the mean time and opportunities to achieve happiness outside of that with your ex present themselves too.
It really is truly difficult, I know it sounds absurd, but they day that we are labelled as partners again is the day I will truly find relief. I still have the fear and I guess, jealousy that she will see other people in this time, to maybe see if she can find a better bond than she has with me, but I know I have to let that go, focus on bettering myself and being the ideal candidate to once again be her man. It was amazing to spend the night with her and see her, but I know for certain even though she loves me, it isn’t a enough to yet to show her why I should be her partner again.
Haha I’m hardly clever. I just know what people are going through and I try to help when I can. We are still friends on social media but there were two posts about me that she deleted which was a real kick in the guts. I’m not sure at this stage whether or not I will initiate contact. I probably will but I’m only at the end of the second week of NC and I’m planning on several more weeks so I have time to consider it.
It is difficult and I long for the day where we sleep in the same bed again. I have the same fear that she will just get fed up and move on. The last conversation we had was a few days ago concerning our kids and I had to cut the conversation short. She sounded disappointed when I did and I fear that will only push her away. But we have to distance ourselves so we can let the negative emotions disappear and, when we see them again, present a strong contrast from we last saw them.
Well, you definitely are a kind person. It must be truly difficult, at the moment, and to devote some of your time to help others is a testament to your character. I truly hope that your ex realises what she has lost. You are extremely strong for riding this out. Do you have an action plan of how you are gonna approach her? Did she seem genuinely interested in talking to you? Like obviously, NC doesn’t really have a minimum time limit if she has changed the way that she feels. It must be extremely difficult having kids together and going through this. I split with the mother of my child a few years ago, but both of us had really come to accept that the relationship was over whilst we were still together. It was tough, as we were together for 8 years.
I just find it extremely difficult to move on from my current ex. I honestly know my life would be easier if I was truly content without her, and Id actually be in the right mind space to win her back, but I just can’t kick the post breakup anxiety that feels like a hand is gripping my stomach. I really tried to keep it light hearted, and win her heart back through attraction and proof that I am making a conscious effort to fix my weaknesses. But she ended up asking me a relationship specific text last night to which I had no choice but to honestly answer that I love her. (she set it up that way) I really wish she didn’t ask that question. Today we exchanged texts for the most part before it went to a friendship route, but she was truly considering being with me again, but she kept saying she was scared it would be the same as before. She nearly committed to me. I wish I didn’t ask. (I really hope her fears are true and she hasn’t moved on and is too scared to hurt my feelings)
I spoke with her after the texts on the phone today, as I was truly crushed when it seemed as if she was about to take me back only to go cold again.
On the phone she said she loves me, is in love with me and misses me heaps, but certain aspects of our relationship make her scared to enter a relationship with me again. Basically vocalising how toxic it was. I really don’t wanna go no contact again because it really feels as if she is close to accepting me back. She said she wanted to be just friends for now, but still sees me as a romantic prospect and IS open to getting back with me in time. It appears as if we are still gonna go on dates together as she is either gonna see me tonight or tomorrow (I feel like it will likely be tomorrow as she is out with her friends and then needs to see her grandparents later in the day.) I did try to convince her to somewhat commit which I regret, but I love her so much. She clearly is right on the fence and says her heart says yes, but her head says no. Im so scared she will cancel, as I truly know my only chance of winning her back is to be going on dates. Has she got a lessened attraction for me? Is all hope lost and she’s letting me down easy? Or do you think that she is being sincere and is testing me?
I honestly feel so close to winning her heart again, or at least some kinda label for us that suggests exclusivity with each other. I just need to boost that oxytocin in her brain so her attraction and love grows again, although, it is mighty hard only with text. I really hope she does want a go with me. We have even texted since talking on the phone, which she initiated.
The only plan of action I have is to initiate contact with a memory text. Beyond that I have no idea. She does talk to me about personal things but I have not done so recently so hopefully that is having an effect on her. However I fear that it won’t make an impact as she does have friends to talk to.
It is perfectly normal for her heart to say she wants it but her mind says she doesn’t. She is still in love with you but she can’t shake the memories of her past relationship. It takes time and patience so the best thing you can do is not push her even if that means you postpone for some reason.
Yup we all wish we had a time machine or at least talk to ourselves in the past but all we can do is learn from our mistakes.
Let us know how the date goes.
Keep your strength up, I truly hope that it all works out for you. I think you being her partner and the weight of your opinions would have to have a different dynamic than her friends and possibly something she longs for. Keep me in the loop too with how you go, because I could honestly use a success story myself right now. haha
As for me, I have read the rules again and today, Id definitely say Id broken some of the more needy insecure ones, and now my ex is aware that she could have me back at any time which I believe fucks with my chances a lot. I really do not wanna go back to no contact, as our relationship was not real long, however we did live together and do everything together in that time. But I feel as if I am making headway, I just need to know how to shift the dynamic so that she will be attracted to me and the fear of losing me grows in her mind. I think her telling me that she is still interested in a future with me, but wants to see how we can build our friendship before rushing into it this time is a life raft but Im scared that she is doing that to keep me as her safety net. I honestly don’t wanna just drop out of her life again. I have read other Ex back pages too, that suggested that keeping a friendship is also a good way of once again building attraction and that NC is not always entirely necessary, but I truly believe it helped get us back to this point. I’m still kinda desperate, but know that I have my needy tendencies in check, I just hope that she will be receptive and isn’t trying to ease her grief and give herself closure by weening me out of her feelings.
It may be quite a while before it becomes a success story lol.
You really need to keep those emotions in check otherwise it will make her uncomfortable and her defenses go up again. Since she says that she wants a future with you and that she wants a friendship for now then you don’t need NC at this stage. I say that limited NC at this stage would be best. You should keep contact to only a few times a week and meeting in person even less than that. Initially let her contact you and do your best to keep the conversations short. Over time start contacting her and make the conversations longer.
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