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And I am sorry if I was tough earlier but I felt like unless I say it the way I see exactly without dressing it to nice wrapper, I cannot get you to see the reality of your situation. I should have maybe worded it better like Dragongirl did : ).
Hi @finntoga
Thanks for responding 🙂
Yeah but why still that mad??? Idk I’m worried he will respond and say who is this? Again. Also could he possibly be testing me to see if I would blow up. Which is immature but I wouldn’t put it past him. Unless he really didn’t know who it was? But he has to. It’s connected to his work email so it’s definitely him. Do you think he thought that I could think it wasn’t him??? Or does that seem unlikely? Like what if he knew it was me, which he did, and thought he could convince me otherwise? Or does that seem unlikely (given i’m not an idiot…)Why did he want that same negative reaction 🙁 that would just make it worse! And yeah I guess if I had blown up his phone it would have verified in his brain that he made the right choice… that I haven’t gotten better and never will, etc. So maybe my lack of blowing up will stick out to him. Not sure. I don’t understand how he could stay this angry for this long. Acting like he’s the victim. Yeah I don’t think he is ready either…his response was immature and hurtful and that upset me, hurt me, and was not okay. It made me feel like he cares nothing about me and is gonna act like I don’t exist but then I also knew it was coming from a point of anger. Maybe he was a little angry I texted work cell combined w previous anger, idk. I just hope he didn’t think I would actually believe it was the wrong number… I had never texted that number before but come on I’m a smart girl.
Yeah, I will try 30 days. I know I can do better. What happens if he responds ? I’m worried about another hurtful thing.. I still feel like 3 months is too long but I don’t even know. I will take it one day at a time and focus on myself. I’m still proud of myself for not taking the bait and also maintaining my meal plan. I also wonder if my medication will change..I don’t know at this point! Yeah, You’re right. I don’t need a man to make me feel good about myself. I wish to become confident in and of myself. so we are sure he still has strong feelings?And yeah the doing that to hurt me if that was his intention…so upsetting…especially bc he already hurt me… And yeah I felt like he would tell me to go away and/or not respond… like he didn’t need to respond UNLESS he thought I would believe that I had the wrong number and never text that work cell again? do you think he believed that? And yeah Dragongirl did give some really good suggestions. Yesterday I watched a disney movie and that helped me feel better 🙂 So maybe I can start with little things like that and work my way up?
No worries, I didn’t think you were too tough and both you and @dragongirl do a perfect job at balancing tough love with compassion 🙂
Good because I felt a bit bad being so tough, I still need to practice my tough guy act : ). LOL. His reaction is predictable because you must his feelings as well. First time you got back together fairly quickly, the first time you have higher expectations and it is easier to work through the negative feelings because you just want to be with the other person. Second time all that becomes much harder and takes more time. His feeling is combination of things anger that he had to end it but he could not sustain it as it was with the cycle, anger at you and the situation, he is also disappointed that it happened add to the mix still having feelings for you and any possible outside issues like money, having lots of responsibilities. The thing about us people is that we dont think things will turn certain way, we go into situations and relationships with high hopes and dreams and often in the rush of love leave the reality out and forget to keep our expectations for the other person realistic.We see things only through this cloud where he or she is a magical creature who can do no wrong. Problem is though none of is that perfect magical creature we all make mistakes, we have flaws and when two different people’s expectations clash and there is not enough tools to work through those issues that is where all this relationship drama comes from. Instead of getting to know each other we and seeing the other person for who they are we go into this denial mode where we cling to the ideal of the person we built and they just cannot meet that so you need to see that his feelings are not what you expect and you are too close to see it and have too much feelings for him to be able to process it immediately and to add to mix your hurt feelings and your issues you are dealing with which is fantastic it becomes something not so great. So when both Dragongirl and I warned you about him not being ready, you did not want to hear it because you wanted him just back whereas we dont have that emotional bond with him so we can see it more clear than you can. We have experience behind us and that is the place we are trying to help you from. He knew it was you and like Dragongirl said he acted with knee gut reaction of f..ck it, I will behave like this and part was to get you riled and you did not which was great. It would have been better if you would not have responded all but it is done so….If he sends you anything further do not respond. Do the 30 days. Let him simmer in his own stew for awhile. 30 days is only a month which is nothing. Your only priority should be you. I am confident he has feelings, his response only confirmed it to me so if your text was blatantly obvious to him (and it did sound fake, I have seen other people use it on this site and it was fake then too; )) so was his response come on, if he wanted to act like he really does not care that was not the way to do it. And you said it work on you, start small steps do the 30 days one day at the time, instead of thinking about those things you have and then see where you are and if still not than add another week but look at that then. There is so much for you to concentrate on and soon you see that each day you think of little bit less. It does not mean love goes away, I should know but you see life can be good.
@finntoga
haha it’s all good 🙂 I really appreciated your response! I must his feelings as well? What do you mean by that
And yeah we did get back together fairly quickly the time before but I don’t know if we were ready for it…I think we had made some progress and still had a way to go. Yeah, I guess given our history I didn’t think it would be this hard…but we had gotten into a bad cycle that needed to be reversed. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. He may be emotionally a mess right now. Is it possible he becomes an emotional mess later than I did? I was mostly more of a mess the first week..now I have my mess days but I am faring better than before. Yeah you are so right about realistic expectations! I feel like both of us didn’t always have realistic expectations for the other one. Yeah, no one is perfect and we all do have flaws and make mistakes…You’re right. We didn’t have enough tools at the time to work through the issues. I guess the thing with us though is that we Did know each other really well. We were really good friends for like 2 years before dating. But we may have had some relationship fantasy in our minds that wasn’t realistic. Yeah that’s true. Both you and Dragongirl said he needed more time. And you could see it more clearly, that we both needed some space.
Yeah I don’t know why he felt like acting in such a rude immature way. Do you think he knew that I *knew* it was him though? He clearly knew it was me but do you think he knew that I would know that he was just saying “who is this?” and that he could not convince me he was someone else? That’s my worry…that he would have reacted that way so he would have made me think wrong number and I wouldn’t text again…but him knowing me…I’m smarter than that…And yeah I am so glad I didn’t get riled up! I was shocked at how I reacted more calmly than i had in the past! I guess I responded because I wanted to *make sure* he knew that I DID know it was the right person…. bc part of me worried he thought he could make me believe i had the wrong number? Or is that unlikely?You don’t think he will move on in 30 more days? :/ I don’t know if my text was obvious or not..last time I used a similar one but maybe not as scripted. So we are sure he KNEW that I KNEW it was him?? And that he could not convince me it was a wrong number?? I guess I’m scared because if he wanted to convince me it was not his number that might mean he is over me and doesn’t want to hear from me ever again. Or do you think he already knew that I could not be convinced? I mean it was first time I texted that work cell but come on…And yeah I will try one day at a time. He still has said nothing else so now I’m having more doubts like “what if he wanted me to believe i had the wrong number so i never try that number again???” or the more obvious would be that he was doing it to anger/hurt me… which do you think?
Brokenhearted,
The negative reaction is an indirect power play to show you he’s the one in control. You may think it’s a long time to be mad-but honestly, it really isn’t. In man-cave time, that is a very short period of time especially the way you guys left it. You are not an idiot. He knew who you were and exactly what to say to you to get a reaction.
He’s wants a negative reaction because guys can be vindictive after a breakup. They want you to suffer for all the misery that you put them through. He is not thinking “let me see how I can make the breakup easier/better”. He is thinking ‘I want her to suffer/hurt just the way she made me feel”. The way you are feeling is exactly the way he wants you to feel. Ignore anything unless it’s a positive comment. Anything immature like that is not worth responding to. And yes we are sure that he still has strong feelings. He just has a lot of resistance to getting back together because of your past history. The love he feels for you has to trump over the anger and negative emotions that he sustained in the relationship.I agree with Finntoga. You build this guy in your head and continue to build him up to God status. And that is the reason you want him back soooo badddlyyyyy. You don’t need to be afraid of dating other guys. I remember you said something about trying a rebound relationship. Sometimes finding a guy to distract you can actually help you see that there are a lot of other men out there. And your mind will stop fixating on Mr. I’m-Not-Talking-To-You. Again agreeing with Finntoga-her and I see it through a completely different perspective. We are both giving you advice from the heart and our experience. And I have written so many relationship articles for different clients, I have lost count. Therefore, I can help guide you with what I have learned.
Think of your breakup like baking a cake with several complex layers. In this analogy, you are the oven. Each pan with raw cake represents an issue that you are working on like your self-esteem, accepting the breakup, food disorder, OCD, etc. As you work on each issue, the raw cake begins to rise a little at a time. Now think of what happens when you pull a cake pan out of the oven before it’s ready? When you don’t work on your issues, that is the equivalent of taking a cake pan full of raw batter and trying to frost it with icing. What would happen? It’s a total mess! In that situation, what you need to do is put the cake pan back into the oven and give it time to bake. You can’t rush baking a cake. If you turn the temperature up, you dry it and it tastes awful. So just like you can’t rush baking, you can’t rush the process that your breakup is taking.
Ah I see my head was going faster than my fingers I meant that you need to think of his feelings. Like Dragongirl said man are at times really straight forward, he is in the man cave and for him 30 days is short time and also I agree on the hurting thing. Unlike us girls we are nurturers and when we leave someone we try to make sure they are okay and unless they were really awful we dont try to inflict further pain but guys when they are hurting they dont behave like we do. It takes a lot longer time to get to the part where they admit they miss you and still love you because their anger and resentment takes lot longer too. Classic celebrity example Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham when they broke up he writes a breakup song that is angry, you can go your own way and she writes beautiful ballads like Silver springs (I could have loved you but you did not let me) so this is one example of the difference of men and women when it comes to breaking up. OK I Say this last time now because you have asked this question few times today: Yes I am sure he knew it was you and yes he has feelings for you, strong feelings but he is still pissed with you so the aim was to hurt you can we leave it at that ?
I do have to say that it is great the way you take feedback and then see what of that applies to your situation. You are very smart person and this ability to process things is one of those that will help you move forward : ).
@dragongirl thanks for the response.
I guess I know he knew it was me…but my main question/doubt is did he THINK that telling me “who is this?” “i believe you have the wrong number” do you THINK that by sending me that he thought he could convince me I had the wrong number?
Or is that highly unlikely and most likely is that he knew I wouldn’t be convinced and wanted a reaction.Wow That’s so mean of guys! I by no means would want to get a negative reaction from someone..well not by this point at least. I read on another site some guys play the victim even if they broke up! And yeah that makes sense. He also may have wanted me to react how I would have before to like “prove” i hadn’t improved or something. Maybe that’s analyzing it too much. However I’m sure he will notice that I did not blow up, did not react negatively, and then told him some positive info about myself. They want you to suffer for all the misery that you put them through. And yeah I guess he wants me to be upset. I haven’t received anything else. I won’t be saying anything else. I will let you and @finntoga know if he says something else. He hasn’t responded since I made it clear I knew it was him (but he probably knew that I knew it was him and he couldn’t convince me otherwise, right???) that’s my stupid doubt in my head right now..that he thought he could convince me it wasn’t him so that i wouldn’t text again.
The hurting me and having me react like i used to option seems much more probable though. Yeah, I guess I responded bc I wanted him to know I knew it was him… lol and I haven’t said anything else so I’m proud of myself 🙂 I can’t believe I have no desire to send another text right now! And yeah, he may not know if we will work bc he may think I will go crazy again, etc. So showing him that I am controlling myself cannot hurt me, it will just help me…if not with him with someone else in future 🙂 I’m still shocked I didn’t blow him up. Or send at least 6 messages. I hope he will miss me more and more and realize the change and his love will trump anything else…i guess we will see.And ahh ! I’m still doing that? :/ blech. i thought i wanted him back bc I love him? And yeah, I don’t want to be in a relationship right now though unless it was w my ex…bc I don’t think dating others when in love w an ex is fair to me or them I guess.
Like my coworker at work is super nice and funny but I want to only be his friend at this point. I think he likes me and I would hang out with him as long as he knows I am not in the place. Yeah both of you have given and continue to give me wonderful advice 🙂 Has any client gotten a similar response to what I got?Wow! The cake analogy actually makes a lot of sense. A half baked cake may look good from the outside but on the inside it may not be so great…
And yeah that’s a really good point. I actually love baking so I understand. You could turn the temp up a teeny bit but it wouldn’t really cut that much time off..and turning it up too much burns it!
@finntoga
Haha that’s okay. I do that all the time. And yeah, I do need to think of his feelings I guess. It’s difficult bc I don’t get that angry and go in a man cave… Yeah that makes sense about how girls go about things.. making someone feel worse is mean!
And yeah I guess he takes way longer to cool down than I thought. I know that he knew I was the one who texted him but my question/doubt is did he think that he could convince me I had the wrong number??? Like convince me I have the wrong number so I wouldn’t ever talk again?
Idk I guess the trying to hurt me and get a reaction makes a lot more sense bc that also shows him he still has emotional control over me. I’m glad I didn’t show him that 🙂Haha yeah that makes sense haha that’s a really good example. And haha thanks for claling me out, I have asked that a lot. I also just was wondering if He thought that by telling me who is this he would think I would think I had the wrong number..
But idk I’m not stupid… lol I think you and dragongirl are right that he wanted to get a reaction and hurt me (bc he’s hurt) i hope his strong feelings don’t go away though..it’s good they haven’t as of yet bc it’s been over 3 weeksWell if strong feelings go away that quickly then they were not very strong in the first place and would you like a guy like that then? Nope because you deserve better : ). Trust the love you guys have, let it be for now and work on yourself, if he is grown up enough he calms down in time, has a re-think and sees what he is losing and if not then too bad for him. That is not something you need to worry about right now. You know now he is not indifferent that he has strong feelings for you still since he is angry still so that is all good. Now the priority is to make you from great person to fabulous : ).
@finntoga that’s a good point. I still keep wondering though if the thought him telling me he thought I had wrong number would make me think it was really wrong number? Do you think so?
And yeah, I am trusting our love a little I just need to trust he will believe in us, himself, myself, and our love. Because I do. Yeah I hope he calms down and realizes what he is missing. He could also have been a little angry bc i texted work cell but that is his only working cell…and no i had not texted it before but i knew it was right number…i just am worried still that he thought he could make me believe i had wrong number? we have been through so much together and if he still loves me deeply that is good. I want him to love me so much he can’t get over me and wants us to work it out. And yeah I guess I do know that. Maybe he was almost not angry and then work cell made him angrier. blah. I can only wait. He hasn’t said anything today and I’m not expecting anything…just wondering why he didn’t say “wrong number” again or “please don’t speak to me” unless he is just gonna continue the wrong number crap and in his brain think that…idk And thank you for that encouragement 🙂 I hope to continue to improveOMG I looked at his number of instagram posts and they’ve increased… so he is using his work phone for that now???? unless he has another phone and I doubt it. Ugh I’m so annoyed. I can’t see the posts just the numbers. I know it isn’t helpful and why must he post right after i contact him and not 3.5 weeks before that. I’m also terrified he posted me screenshots of our texts but that’s unlikely, he wuoldn’t do that to me.
he hasn’t said anything today. Do you think he really though I would believe I had the wrong number??And once again thinking he was just gonna let normal phone go out and just use work cell idk tho like why is e on Instagram w work phone what happened to not gonna use it for personal reasons ugh I’m annoyed and hurt feeling like he doesn’t want me ever
Omg what if he does not save my number in his work phone and deletes the thread!!!!??? Is that possible that would upset me bc idk if he knows my number by heart or not
Do you think he would just not save it and delete the history of the text lAst night??????
He had to have known it’s me bc of the memory I shared. I just dunno if he saved or deleted my number and also pissed about his normal phone being off I feel like he was just trying to shut off all temptations to communicate w me when he did thatWhat are you doing? You are working yourself into a state again and what did it get you to do last night? He can do what ever he likes with his instagram and it is not your business anymore. You are not together now so he can use his work phone for what ever he likes and it is none of your business.So what if he does not have your number saved in his work phone? Why do you think he is suddenly posting because he knows you and he knows you are checking him online (remember linkedin) so you are just playing into his hands right now. Snap out of it and start using your head, you are not stupid and you need to control these urges because you are getting yourself into anxious state for a something that is very minor detail in the whole situation, his phone usage. What are you suppose to concentrate on?
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