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Okay this email is going to tough love so if you dont want to read skip this over now. Yes you broke the nc on purpose. If you look at your actions right now you were behaving bit like Cantsum. He came to this site for advice and support did not like what people were telling him, broke the nc without even working on him and finding out reasons why he did not see his gf’s signs that she wanted to break up because it is about control. She has now responded to him in friendly manner and he assumes she wants him back but the issues are still there. And she has responded but he has not asked her out yet so what will her response be to that? No one knows but instead of being happy he was angry at this site and people here why? That is what he should have thought and worked on. Now to you why was the phone in your hand when I said if you have the urge put it away because deep down you wanted this to be like last time day 22 of nc and because every now you have been saying it you think you can have him back after couple of weeks and because you want to control situation, relationship and in a way him. That is why you “accidentally” pressed send. Instead of controlling yourself. Come on you are smartgirl and you knew what you were doing ,you said it yourself it felt empowering. You need to take responsibility of your actions instead of saying it was an accident or that it is because you might be ocd or it was anxiety you had the phone, you wrote it in a way his number was there who does that unless you want to have an accident???. OCD, Eating Disorder, anxiety are treatable illnesses they are issues you can work but you need to put that to be your priority. Because no matter how much you two love each other you will never work if you guys do not work on yourself first. Because sometimes love simply is not enough if there are negative cycles in a relationship and he cannot have that to impact his child so you might be the love of his life but his kid is his number one always. He might respond to you and he might not but you wont succeed as long as you think he is the only thing that can make you happy. It has to come from you, you need to be happy inside you before you can be happy with someone else. This happiness with him will not last when you expect him to make you happy and he will fail because he cannot be the person you expect him to be.
He had said he wanted work cell for work stuff, you violated that, he can see you have been in his Linkedin and if that snapchat account was his then he has that too so what does that say to him. You checked him in all ways possible except did not send massive amount of emails.So to him it does not say you have worked hard it says you are doing the same and how can he now see the amazing work you have done so far? Yes you have done brilliantly with your eating disorder and you should have celebrated that with someone else, Dragongirl and I told you more than once to distract yourself but last couple days you have chosen to sit in your room and go back to obsessing about his phone and his love for you. Love is not always that you be with the person you love if you want their happiness sometimes you need to let then go and if meant to be they will be back someday and you need to be okay with that but you skipped this part because you dont want that to be true so that was another sign you were not ready to contact him.
Now how will you fix this? This is up to you. If I were you I would start nc from begin and say to myself ok I failed first time but I will do the work on myself that is needed and I will succeed this time. Or you can choose to ignore this and do what you please choice is entirely yours and you are the one driving seat making them. If you feel imbalanced chemically then that should be the number one priority to work with your doctor to find out if you are ocd and regardless to find the right medication balance instead of obsessing does he love. You know he does but he is not able to be with you right now so leave it until you are fine. You have made wonderful progress with your eating disorder and you were making progress on other levels so stop feeling sorry for yourself and make yourself an action plan, list down the priorities you need to work on about you before you are ready to enter his life either as a friend or gf depending on him of course and what he wants.
Of course you may want to go different route and try to only get back but that is also your choice. This is the part you get to make all choices and control your life and yourself and what you choose can have really long term impact so think very carefully what you will do next. Feeling sorry for yourself and beating yourself mentally for this mess up is not helping you. You are result orientated so concentrate on making steps how to work this through and continue the progress you made so far. You have not let anyone else down but yourself so forget other people but what do you do when you mess up? Get back up and continue and work on it and dont repeat it. This is not something that you cant recover from quite the opposite so there is that. You are not the first to fail nc but get back on the horse and start again. Now I am going back to bed for another hour since it is only six am and I only woke up because I had forgotten to turn my alarm off.
@finntoga Thank you for saying that and being honest 🙂 I read it all!
Well, I guess I didn’t intentionally send it but I set myself up to goof up and some part of me must have been okay with that…so I guess it is in between accident and on purpose. And oh geez, I don’t want to behave like him…I at least had been working on myself and not insulting others… I have worked on myself and also I still have a ways to go. I still am taking the advice seriously. Unlike him I do want the support and while I may not like what people say, I still do want to pick up these pieces and be strong.
Do you think I ruined all chances w my ex? :/
Well, about the phone. I gave it to my roommate for a couple hours while I napped. I woke up and she came back right after that and asked me if I wanted it. I said yes. This is the first step to what happened. I should have said no. And yeah I think you are right I wanted it to be like last time… blech. And I so much want to believe that he would not just never respond again but maybe he really is truly over me. That is at least how I feel right now/??? Maybe I am also getting into my own head? :/ And yeah, the isolation has been occuring for a while. Disney world was good for me so I was unable to do that. I watched a movie after the set back and then watched another one for a little bit w roomie and another friend. Yeah, I need to let go of the control. I guess now is the perfect time to let go?
I can recognize I sent one texg, slipped up, accident and on purpose at the same time… and now what I can control is my own behavior. I can show him that I am capable of only sending one text despite my anxiety and even better, I can prove so to myself. I think another one of my thoughts I was having was that I already had no chance so why not just set myself up to maybe break nc… and sometimes it feels good to write something out and put the person’s name down and then not send it! However, then i accidentally hit it. So it was also my fault.
And yeah, I will talk to my psychiatrist about potential ocd when I see her in 2 weeks :/ I just feel like there is so much wrong w my brain and I didn’t feel this way as a child. You’re completely right about working on ourselves first… I do find myself anxious and calm. I’m not tempted to send another text at this point so that is a little bit of a change at the very least. I hope that love will be enough in this situation and I do not know. And yeah, I’m sure his little boy plays a lot into it. As far as linkedin and snapchat go hopefully he didn’t see either of those… -_- ugh what a mistake. I don’t know if I still think he is the only one who can make me happy. In group I was encouraging another girl to make sure she would be OK without the guy that she is talking to bc relying on someone like that to make you happy is dangerous. So that showed me I actually have processed a lot of what you girls have said 🙂 He still hasn’t responded… I would prefer nothing to a negative response. And of course I wish for a positive one but alas…And yeah he had said that in February. That’s another thing I feel bad about. Bc he even anrily said that on break up email. I will just leave it alone now I hope he didn’t get mad about that… I don’t even know. ugh. I’m upset at myself for that part too. Worried he will get angrier..
And you’re right. I’m not okay w the fact we may never get back together yet.
Yeah I will start over I’m not sure if I will do full 30 days or not I will have to look deep inside myself and monitor my progress. I do not want to ignore this and do what I want bc that will end up in pushing him away and me returning to unhealthy behaviors.
Yeah, hopefully I can find the right medication balance soon. I hope he loves me I guess I feel so bad right now I haven’t even thought about that. I’m just worried about him moving on thinking we have no chance. I will try not to feel sorry for myself. I also will really try to eliminate all checking as that part needs to go completely even if it has reduce. I do not want to make any choices that may result in the same pattern so I will think of an action plan to pick up the pieces. I am going to respect myself and not text him at this time. I have not gotten a reply so he probably will not say anything? Unless he hasn’t gotten it bc sometimes he works Saturday nights late.
I guess I’m scared this slip back ruined all my chances….? And i’ve gotten further in Nc than most at the least.
Oh wow I hope you get some more sleep! Thank you for your honesty it really helped and I needed to hear that 🙂
Sorry, but you should restart. You need to distract yourself with something other than checking on your ex. It seems like it’s starting to consume you. If you keep occupying your time with worrying about him, you can’t focus on you.
In regards to the text as finntoga said, it seems every intentional. You can’t talk to us about wanting to send this text over and over then try to convince us it was a total accident. I mean not to be harsh, but it kinda sounds crazy to be practicing sending a text.
You need to give him time and some space. Based on reading through your previous posts in the thread, it doesn’t sound like you were even mentally or emotionally ready to send that text in the first place. If you have to question your action you aren’t really ready to send it. Consider messages to your ex in someways like bullets. Once you pull that trigger you have to be responsible of what happens because of that action you took.
Patience is very tough and getting back with your ex doesn’t happen within a few days. It can takes weeks or months to fully get to a place where you guys want to get back together, and it’s all an elaborate dance. You need to try and be careful and think about your actions and what messages they send. If your ex is already mad you have to give them space to cool down.
I think you can make this work but you gotta back off a bit. Remember there is a reason 30 days is the minimum. Its like a test, if you can make the 30 days, you prove to yourself that you can make it without your ex. The reality is you have to be able to make it on your own before you can get your ex back. As Kevin says in his article, you have to reach a point where you WANT to be with your ex, but you don’t NEED them in your life. If you don’t reach that point within your 30 days you aren’t there yet and need more time, if you can’t make it to 30 days, you certainly have more Work to do on yourself.
You have a chance, and you can do this. You don’t need to prove it to him, you need to prove it to yourself. Focus on you and you will get him back
I’m going to read everyone’s reply when I fall back asleep. He responded in a very immature way.
He said “who is this”
“I believe you have the wrong number”
So I said “Lol. it’s right. Just thought of you & wanted to share a good memory. 🙂 ”
Then I said “Ps I’ve been binge/restriction free at least 6 wks now. Stepping down soon. I did it! ”
And that’s where I’m leaving it. Imma wait longer I guess. This has happened before when he is angry so guessing he might be. I’m just glad I didn’t get sucked into it as I would have before
Like why be immature -.- and he wasn’t like negative just annoying -.- part of me feels he did that trying to set me off for me to blow him up or to see if I would? Maybe not but idk… I sent 2 back and they were calm and I didn’t engage in the immaturity .
Like just don’t respond at all if you don’t wanna talk to me. He knows I have the right number and if I didn’t I wouldn’t have texted it. This is foolish.@mr Anderson
I decided to read replies after all as I can’t fall back asleep.
What do you think of his response -.- immature bc pretty sure he knows I know it’s the right number and in the past when he did that he was emotional and I used to respond back w like 20 angry messages. I did not do that today so I’m happy I proved that to myself some progress has been made 🙂And yeah you’re right. It was starting to consume me. I have been working on me and surprisingly more than I thought given my reaction today to his text meant to get a rise out of me. And at the same time I still have more work to do on myself 🙂
And wow that sounds crazy!? Bahhh I’ve done that before! I will try and just journal or write it out next time I suppose 🙂
And yeah it seems like he is still highly emotional? Unless you think he seemed indifferent? But why do something to instigate me if he is indifferent smh.
I don’t know if I was mentally and emotionally ready either. I acted in a mature way responding but I currently am a little emotional unstill at this time.Yeah I know it can be a long time I just wanna know if I have any chance of if I never did. And yeah I thought that was enough space but I guess not
I guess I will go 30 days bc he was immature like that -.- and I’m irked by it. As a guy why would he do that? He had done that once before when angry and I had blown him up angry back at him. This time I didn’t give the response he would expect but why did he send that and not just ignore it or say “leave me alone”
So irritated.Do you still think we can make this work?
And yeah the 30 day minimum makes a lot of sense bc it takes 30 days to form a habit 🙂
I will keep focusing on me I just don’t know if I can get him back anymore
I didn’t even tell him who I was bc I’m sure he already knows and was immature… Dunno why tho. One time he did that I freaked out and made it worse so that may be what he is expecting. I’m just proud and surprised I was able to not take the bait
You are still hanged on the wrong thing here, you are on high because he responded albeit childishly but it somewhere it pleases you because he is not ignoring you. This shows only one thing neither of you are ready to resume relationship together. The whole point like mr Anderson says is to be in situation where you want to be with him but you dont need to that you are fine without him too and that is not where you are yet. We have said that it is not hopeless situation but it does take time and work and patience is not what you have given to this process. You need to want to do this for you because when you give the advice to someone else it is clear that you have heard me and Dragongirl and see the sense in our advise you don’t at times want to seem to follow it so I hope you now take the time to work on the biggest issues you have. if you wanted to keep nc you should not have responded those text but you want the contact despite not being ready. But like I said you do what you decide is best for you but you also take responsibility of what you do. My exams are starting on Monday so I will be online lot less since I need to put my concentration on that for next week and half. I will comment when I can. Good luck with your nc in the meanwhile and keep your distance from him for now.
Exactly like Finntoga and I predicted-your ex does not want to talk with you yet. Even though she was tough, I agreed 100% with her reaction. The fact that you wrote that message to your ex to begin with shows that deep down you wanted to prove both of us wrong. That around this time, your ex professed his love and wanted to reconcile. But because every breakup is different, it would not be the same as last time. You were setting yourself up for heartbreak. I know exactly the website that phone message was based on. I don’t like that guy’s examples because they sound so fake. And I hate to this, but your ex seen through your message. And since he’s still in that state of not wanting to get back together, he would see through it, roll his eyes. And rather than conjuring up a positive memory, he’s going to say I don’t give a fuck.
Since you and he have had many negative moments in your past relationships and both of you need to work on issues, you need at least 3 months of NC minimum. And this was before the incident that occurred. The part that your mind does not seem to comprehend is that you have already lost your ex. I notice you keep saying that you feel every day NC that you are losing the love of your life. But this is what you need to accept. You have lost him. You have to forget about him and focus 100% on you. Forget what your cell is doing.@finntoga
Yeah you are completely right. A part of my brain is like “oh he didn’t ignore me or tell me to go away.” And since this is something he had done before when angry (one time he had texted me I didn’t respond and when I did he said who is this? -_-” then I don’t know I just thought it was immature.Do you think he expects me to blow up his phone like last time though?
And yeah it does show that we are not ready. His response was very childish. Instead of taking time to process, he did something he thought would upset me. I am still annoyed because how could he act like that if he wants to be friends in the distant future… I don’t know. I feel like he probably still has strong feelings and was angry about work cell and also not ready to talk.Yeah, you have a really good point about Mr Anderson’s comment… I guess in my brain I either stay wanting to be with the ex or I move on completely? i don’t know. That’s what happened lsat time with old ex. Maybe I need to just let my whole past go and live in present though bc every situation is different. Yeah it does take patience. That is one element I really need to work on. I am still proud of myself for not blowing up his phone and responding emotionally, though. Was that at least a tiny bit of progress? I also didn’t know if I worsened my chances by sending that…who knows.
Yeah, I do hear and believe what you and Dragongirl are saying. 99% of me did not want to text him. That stupid one percent one.. Shows I need to continue to work on my self control. Ohhhh I should not have responded at all!? I guess I did bc I wnted him to know that I knew it was him -__- immature motivation though…another thing I need to address. Best of luck on your exams!!! Thank you for your support! I have not yet received anything else but for now the plan is complete NC. Kind of worried he will say something mean back but idk..Wow! I didn’t even think of that! You guys were totally right. And yeah you are right that deep down I wanted to prove everyone wrong and just get him back. It was impulsive and immature. And yeah, I guess I don’t have much relationship experience so just assumed things would be similar..I was wrong :/
Why did he write something that was so immature as opposed to ignoring me or saying go away… he knew I had the right number and one time he pulled this before I blew up his phone angrily. This time I didn’t. I know he prob didn’t see it til he responded bc he had been working… and by then it was like 130 AM so that prob didn’t help how he responded.
Idk what I should even think should I think he is indifferent or angry? My gut says angry bc he did this before and also had strong feelings for me… If he is trying to bait me he is not ready yet either. I just am glad despite the mess up I didn’t take that bait.Yeah, I guess I was setting myself up for heartbreak. I think some part of me wanted him to tell me to go away or ignore me completely bc “at least then I would know.” Which is dumb bc knowing is not more important than getting him back.
Yeah, I liked this one only bc I had the perfect example but maybe it did seem fake. you think he saw through it?
The other site said if he ignores he’s rolling his eyes, etc. I felt like he just got a pang of emotion and acted on it… Unless you think he was indifferent? But to me it doesn’t seem so.Oh my gosh! 3 months! Is it okay if I take it one at a time because 3 is really intimidating and fear provoking right now. And yeah. I need to accept I have lost him. I don’t know what will happen. It just sucks bc I am still in love w him…and I hope he still loves me… even if he is mad.
I will focus on me more. i will read this book that my therapist gave me called “Codependent no more” she believes we are codependent…which kind of makes sense I think…I just really need to finish it I have it I just haven’t finished it… -_-Hey Brokenhearted-the universe won’t return your ex until you fully let him go. Until you say-I’m going to be okay 100%. Even though it will suck for a while until you get used to not having him in your life. Write down on a piece of paper your favorite memories and all the things you are going to miss . And cry over it if you must. Then go outside and burn the paper. Or tear it up in little pieces if you aren’t able to burn it. And say “Insert his name here. I release you. I’m letting you go. Whatever happens, happens. Thank you for all these good/bad memories. Goodbye “insert his name here”. This symbolic ritual will help your mind accept that you don’t have this person in your life anymore. It’s similar to divorced women that bury their wedding rings in little coffins! YOU NEED TO DO IT.
You should be extremely proud of yourself for not blowing up his phone. Hug yourself-because you did great in that regard. It took a lot of control not to send him tons of messages. You didn’t worsen your chances by sending that. Understand that if you and he are meant to be together, one tiny slip-up is not going to ruin your chances. And also understand that if you and he aren’t meant to be, then you can go NC for 100 years and you won’t get back together.
Why did he write you back an immature response? To hurt you. He knew that a reply like that would make you angry because he wanted you to think that he does not even remember your number. He knows what he’s doing. And he did it because he still does have strong feelings for you. It’s his way of indirectly letting you know that he’s not ready to communicate with you. Yes he did see through it and yes it is very fake. I can help you with a message when you are ready! It’s a great idea to read self-help books. If you like reading books, distract yourself in that way. DO NOT read old messages from him (none not even the good ones). This includes the last e-mail he sent. The reason is that it will just stir up miss you feelings that pretty much terrorize your mind. You also need to block access to his social media accounts. There are free apps that block certain websites-this will remove temptations about checking his accounts obsessively. Look into those and use them. This will help you stop feeding those thoughts about having to check the accounts. Having access to those sites is similar to an alcoholic holding a glass of beer to their lips and trying not to drink it. It’s just too much temptation so you should really block access to them even though yes I know it’s difficult to do. Begin blocking them for a few hours every day if you can’t completely block them.
Hey @dragongirl
Thank you for your quick response 🙂 I guess I’m scared that I will rebound or something or fall for some other guy..not like I think I will bc I love my ex I just am scared bc sometimes I think I’ve looked to guys for my happiness and I need to be happy on my own. And I don’t want to fall into that especially not with someone that I don’t actually love…
I could do that! It may take a while to do the list but I think it will be very therapeutic. And omg they bury their wedding rings?? Why not sell them! lol jk bad joke. Wow that ritual seems powerful especially with adding his name in! =Yeah, I am proud of myself. I showed myself I could do it and also not take the bait. I am kind of worried he will say “who is this?’ again or “sorry idk you” and that will be hurtful and anger inducing but I know if he does that the best thing for me to do is not respond. Show myself and also him that I am bigger than that.
Yeah, It did take a lot of control. I kind of rolled my eyes thinking “seriously? He’s going to pull this now?” Granted I hadn’t texted him on his work cell before..but I imessaged him to it bc it’s also linked to an email of his so it is def his number… But he probably recognized my number and ALSO knew it was me due to the nature of the text!And yeah that makes sense about one tiny slip up won’t be huge if we are meant to be and if we aren’t then it doesn’t affect it anyway. That’s a good way to look it. However, opposed to what I would do in the past (use that to justify sending more) I will use it to stay strong and continue to work on myself.
Why would he want to hurt me!?! He knows I was already hurt by his stupid email…Why is he playing the victim now? Gah. And yeah he did know it would make me angry I agree…I’m glad I didn’t show any anger. At least he still has strong feelings for me and is not indifferent. I will give us both some more time. I just hope he doesn’t say anything else. And what do you think he saw through it? I mean like did he think it was fake or did he think I wanted him back, etc. And yeah you’re right it did seem a little bit scripted lol
okay! I am glad you can help me with a message when I am ready 🙂 That sounds good!
Yeah, I do like to read however I have not done it for leisure in soooooooo long! I used to all the time then come college I didn’t as much (except for junior year I read the harry potter series lol)
Yeah, I have made the mistake of getting back on fb and reading our old messages and it just made me sad. I am currently back off facebook though. And yeah, re reading that email he sent sucked…I’ve done it before…and it just made me more angry and anxious! Do you know any apps that block access to social media phones on phone and computer? When we were still together and he was mad I tried some apps to block me from texting him , tested it out on my roomie and it didn’t work lol. They were like drunk texting apps which was hilarious bc I don’t drink. And wow, that’s a really good way to put it. I didn’t even think of it that way before! It is just throwing temptation at myself! I know that leaving my phone behind was so helpful to me so maybe I should try that more often? It’s just hard bc w work I needed my cell haha. Hopefully w this new job I won’t as much? Idk.Also I’m annoyed he still is on work cell and has not yet paid for his normal cell bill.
I understand tight money but come on.
Why do you think he sent the immature response and wanted to hurt you? Because he wanted the old negative reaction from you. Which to jump on it so he can continue excusing the break for himself and stay angry etc. So he has clearly is not no where near ready. I agree with Dragongirl you need longer time but I also know you are not there yet with this patience thing so start with thirty days and think only in terms of that thirty days. Forget the previous nc you did good but you can do better. Once the first thirty days are gone then see where you are with your feelings and then take one week at the time forward it and the three months being the final aim. That will give you time to see you maintain the fantastic work with your eating disorder, deal with some of the most obsessive patterns you have and work on getting your medication to balance in a way you dont feel so out of balance and work on accepting that you will manage fine by yourself you dont need a man to make you feel good bout yourself but you can do it and then you are ready to try to work on relationship with him or with someone else but not before. Dragongirl is right that it is not hopeless but he is still angry and wanted to lash out to make you react negatively and that is not a sign of healthy situation yet where you could enter but it is positive in a way that he does have strong feelings because your fear of him moving forward and not loving you , if that was the case he would most likely not react at all. But he is not the point nor is the phone and you need to start accepting the reality which is he is not your boyfriend, right now he does not want to be with you. What will you do to move on with you life? Dragongirl gave good suggestions how to deal with your feelings so take heed of those. You need to grieve to be ready to forgive for yourself and him.
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