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Also don’t think of the dialing his phone as failure but more like temporary set back you know you should have not done it but it happened. Every one messes up here and there, least you did not email him or contact him so you are fine. You are trying not to do it and acknowledged the mistake so now just take it as it was mishap but not end of the world : ).
@Finntoga-Love what you wrote-simply brilliant!
@Brokenhearted
Things I want you to think about: What if this ex is gone for good? What if he doesn’t come back? How are you going to handle that? I want you to think of the worst-case scenario and really feel the emotions. It’s this fear and panic that you have lost him forever that continues to feed your negative emotions. Once you feel those emotions and cry your heart out ,then you will realize that life won’t fall apart and the world won’t stop spinning. It’s like once you have mentally faced this worst-case scenario, you can handle anything.You have to continue living your life as if this guy won’t be yours again. You have to take one step at a time and continue being the awesome you. You were a spectacular and awesome person prior to this ex entering your life even if you couldn’t see it because you are dealing with so many issues. And you will continue to have all those awesome qualities about you and you have gained even more through this experience.
I know it’s hard. I know that you miss him with every cell in your body. But look at all your accomplishments. You have successfully managed to go NC! The fact that you have gone NC is a testimonial to your inner strength Brokenhearted. Me and Finntoga are sooo proud of you!! It is a major accomplishment that you have managed to control yourself to the point where he has not heard from you. And honestly, the way that he just dropped out of your life after going through so much with you-he deserves not to hear a word from you. When you have those moments of missing him so much that every breath hurts, I want you to embrace your anger towards him. Write down all the things that suck about him. This will help those I-miss-you-feelings subside because you will see that this guy is just a human not a God. And many times we idolize our exes to the point where we put them on a pedestal and they become perfect Gods in our mind. Knock him the fuck off the pedestal and that will help you deal with those miss you feelings!
@finntoga Thanks for your reply 🙂
Today is actually day 21, though 🙁 I can’t believe it is day 21 of NC and he has said NOTHING. Also I keep checking his stupid phone which is still off… I did see he was on IG between last night and this afternoon, though … and now I’m wondering if he broke and looked at my page….I don’t know though…he liked one of his friend’s pictures, that’s all I could find. Yeah, I know I should view it as a slip back as opposed to a failure…it is so hard for me not to think in black and white. And yeah, you have a really good point. My habits have improved but they are still existent and any bit of anxiety or a fight, or a trigger may cause me to fall back into where I was…I don’t want that. And is 21 days worse than 18? I read on another get your ex back site that after 21 days that is a VERY long time for your ex to not contact you 🙁 I’m so heartbroken. He only wanted the first break up to be a break, though…Idk I dont even know what to think at this point. Are you sure you don’t have a chance? I hope you do! or someone even better 🙂 and ugh I wish I had a 75/25 chance… like that I had a decent chance… I guess no one knows how to determine that, though. I know I do need to accept I may lose him and deal with that first as well…I’m trying :/ And yeah, it isn’t the only way but I feel like with him it is the way that would most likely result in a reply…? I’m working on controlling myself and setting boundaries. My supervisor wants me to do all this work and I have one day left of work!!! She is insane. I strongly dislike her. And I am going to do my expense report, write transfer summaries, clean up my desk, and then see if I have time :p she has insane expectations there’s no possible way. That is true about rarely getting written letters nowadays. However, I sent him a card when his gma died and he never replied 🙁 🙁 🙁 And I don’t know what I believe deep down in my heart. My insecurity is affecting things… like, he’s said he loves me and I believed him…but also my old ex said that and I don’t think he really loved me…bc he cheated! This new ex didn’t cheat and I still feel insecure like maybe he said he loved me when he was already over it and the bad cycle… however, the last time I spent the night there he told me it over and over again and whispered it so sweetly… and one time I didn’t hear him and he repeats it and says “I said I loved you”
Now I’m tearing up 🙁
and yeah, the past is the past. How do I stay in the present!? I always want to analyze everything and figure everything out!
I just want to know if he will want me back… and yes I thought about things I would tell him like he can’t repeat this i can’t and won’t put up with it , i’m working on me and need to know he will communicate properly, etc. I don’t know. I just truly believe he is the love of my life and we are meant for each other…
@dragongirl, yes you are right, @finntoga has excellent advice 🙂
Those are really good things to think about. I would be devastated and more heartbroken if he is gone for good, however, I could probably be happy with someone else, I just don’t want to be with anyone else at this moment. I’m pretty sure my coworker likes me though, and he would be someone I could be interested IF I WAS NOT IN LOVE WITH MY EX. Therefore, I feel nothing for anyone except my ex. I’m a focus on one person kinda girl. My heart won’t have it any other way. I would feel so disappointed and that he never really loved me bc if he really loved me how could he break up via email and never look back, just seems unlikely. And yeah you’re exactly right it does feed negative emotions…and I think it goes down to fear that he didn’t really care or love me 🙁 I feel like I’m not able to fully feel it if he is gone forever… I don’t know… I’m a bit all over the place. Day 21 of NC and he has said NOTHINGGGG WHAT THE HECK WHYYYYYYY.
I will try to handle the mental scenario within the next week though, may take me a little time to get there. I was happy at work today bc I’m quitting haha. And I felt like myself. Laughing, joking, giggling. So it was good to see. And I think my coworker now sees me how my ex saw me…and it just reminds me of my ex!! I felt like I lost myself! I was so controlled by my anxiety that I lost the bubbly silly goofy laughing joking funny girl that I am 🙁 And because of that I fear he will never come back.
He also had promised me he wouldn’t ignore me again and then he did…granted I blew up (this is when we were still dating) but he still had promised.I guess NC is a good accomplishment. I see a lot of people on here fail and screw things up even more.. I’m so terrified of that outcome that I stay NC. For me, it is NOT worth losing my ex or pushing him further away just for me to contact sooner. That would be horrible. Maybe others just think about themselves and don’t view it that way but I genuinely deeply love him. Like also people talking about sleeping with their exes… I would much rather see my ex and lie in his arms all night talking about things, working things out, and crying when needed. Love isn’t always physical…
I’m so glad that you and @finntoga are proud of me 🙂 it means a lot. I wonder if you girls thought I could get this far? and yeah…him just dropping out of my life.. my heart feels he would not just do that…that he wouldn’t be capable of it bc he loves me so much… but my insecurity and anxiety say that that is what he did, he will never want me again, and he doesn’t love me… it’s a battle. Haha. I always focus on people’s good qualities! But I guess it would be okay to see him as my equal and not my superior… I also realized I used to get my happiness and self esteem from him and that isn’t healthy. at least I’m learning…just really want him back.
21 is a while not to hear from ur ex, but to be honest I am on day 30 of no contact so tomorrow is the first day I will contact my ex again.
Basically my ex didn’t contact me until day 25 which was a snap chat and then last weekend she sent me a text of which I didn’t respond. I don’t think you should lose hope. Every relationship is different and every ex is different. Some break right away and come back desperate. However I think it’s better to have an ex that takes a while to contact you because it means they are taking time to think things over so when they do come back it’s from a place of thought and reason vs wild emotion
I know you want to analyze everything, better than anyone hello brokenhearted meet Finntoga ms. Analyzer things to death ; ). LOL. But the thing to realize that as much you analyze things you always need to take into equation the unknown factors in this case it is him and his thoughts we dont know them they could be anything, he could be start wondering right now hey she has not emailed me what is going on? Or not the analyzing at this point should be directed to you.
Dragongirl says it best in her mail ,you need to live this situation at the moment in a way like he will not come back but knowing you will be okay regardless. I know you love him right now and I know you only want him right now and that is okay but there 50/50 chance he no longer wants to be with you. It does not mean he does not love you but simply that bad cycles were too much. What you need to see is that those cycles was a combination of two people with unresolved personal issues being together and only if you both work on yours in a way that during first hurdle i.e first argument you dont slip and go back to the behaviors that created the situation you are in now then you can succeed because it is not just about love for each other it is also about loving you. When you see in you what Dragongirl and I in you then you are in right bath. When you said that to get the support and safety net you almost feel like messing up your meal plan that made me sad because the feeling secure comes from within feeling ok with yourself- When you are okay with who you are it does not mean there are not things you cannot improve but it means you are not doing things that harm you. Like Dragongirl said you have the inner strength you just have not realized it yourself and I give at times tougher comments as answer because I believe in you and the work you are doing for you.Because this work carries you through many situations in future.
Dragongirl has an excellent idea ( I think I might be a fan of her advice and the way she writes, she gives such good advice-) to kick him off the pedestal and writ down all the things he did to you. It does not mean you will love him less but you will just see him clearly as the faulty human being he is just like you and me instead of some wonder creature. It is really helpful to see his faults too.
Regarding this guy at work, become friends with him just friends nothing else be honest with him and have a normal healthy friendship with him, it will be good for you trust me. No one is saying you need to just move on to next guy. All hope is not yet lost. You can contact this ex once you are ready to see if there is a chance for you and if not then you have another good friend to support you. What ever happens with this ex you get back together or not and that is your current situation you do not know so no going back to first break up here, you know you will be fine in time, you have gained skills to control your anxiety and eating disorder, you have a new friend, you know you are strong and beautiful. If it does not work out no one says you need to forget him the next day take time to grieve, and be single with support from friends and family and when you are ready then date someone else, only you when you feel ready. Be cause you control you and what you do and only you can do that.
Forget that old ex already. He was lousy immature guy who never realized what he had in you and people who put other people down constantly in a relationship deserve our pity because they have sad lives. No one will stay in his when he treats people in nasty way. You are kind and good and what he said has no meaning because when he said those things he was talking about himself because people who self loath them selves often in relationship project it outside to the person they are with and hurt them because they cannot be in their own skin. So release that guy from your life. He did what he did, it is past now release and say I forgive and you can no longer hurt me. Don’t give him the power to continue impacting your life. He does not deserve it. He is an ex for a reason and his case every time you think of him say to yourself you do not deserve my thoughts for single second.
Did I think you can get this far, yes I did. When I read your first email about the 50 plus emails I thought ooh crap this girl needs some help here but there was something about your mail despite the over excessive email thing that made me think she just needs support she has something special in her so instead of doing what I usually do which is just read what others write I responded and I am glad I did because seeing the progress has been great and seeing your self awareness grow has been wonderful. You had it in you the whole time, you just needed other people to open your eyes to it so end of the day be really proud of the work you are doing because it shows maturity, self awareness, strength and courage. Courage is not always about some great heroic acts this is being the hero of your own life ie. you are making yourself a better you and that is a task that not everyone is up for .
I dont know if I have a chance with my ex since I made a decision that after all he did he needs to show me he wants me but it is hard for me because my rational head says there is no chance but my gut and my heart says we belong together so at times it is daily battle which is I keep myself busy to distract myself and it works. I also say to myself almost daily be grateful what you have and dont think what you dont have because things could be sooooo much worse. I could be in situation where I might lose my job, where I might have no friends nor family, where I could be homeless. So every time you think I dont have my love in my life think rather you met him , you had amazing moments, you were lucky to have someone like that when some people never get to have that so always be grateful and appreciative of what you have because it could be gone tomorrow. And that is what I say to myself when I feel desperate, sad or alone or feeling sorry for myself and it makes me happier to know I am one lucky person.
@mr anderson
Thanks for that 🙂 I actually miscounted and yesterday was day 20, today is day 21. Ugh. Still nothing and his phone is still off bc hasnt paid bill still. We broke up 3 weeks ago (friday april 9th) and this sucks.I’m so proud of you for going the whole 30 days! you are an inspiration! Let me know how it goes please! Yeah my ex and I aren’t friends on social media… blech I hope that I have hope still 🙂 thanks for your encouragement! We did have personal issues that we needed to work on…I’m just hoping he really wants us to get back together and that he’s not officially done :/
That’s a good way to look at it though, bc saying something right away proves they aren’t working on themselves?Haha yes! I am exactly the same way. I go over and over and over things in my head and try to figure it all out. Some say I think too much :p maybe they think too little LOL but in all seriousness you’re right. I don’t know what he is thinking at this point. I don’t know if he has thought about me. I don’t know if he really wants just a break or just wants us to be done… and speculating about it isn’t helpful to me. I also screwed up. I miscounted and yesterday was actually day 20 NC and today is day 21 NC. I’m a little bummed bc last time I contacted him day 22 and we got back together… and this time I’m not gonna do that.
Yeah @dragongirl had a very good point. I really need to focus on the here and now. I know that if he doesn’t come back, I can find someone else…I believe my coworker has a crush on me and possibly another guy friend…not sure though. I’m just not interested lol. I only want my new ex. Is it always a 50/50 chance? I really hope he wants to be with me and was just angry and needed time. I’m so scared he will give up on us 🙁
You’re completely right. It was both of our faults. Neither one of us was probably ready for a relationship…we just loved each other. I am trying to work on my issues. I’ve looked at his stuff a lot more (only like 2-3 times per day so less than before but more than when i left phone in car on vacation. I may try going days 21-30 not looking at anything… it will be sooooooo hard though. It really means a lot that you and Dragongirl have continued to respond to me and have ready everything, most people wouldn’t do that so I really really really appreciate that. I’m also honored that you both see positive things in me when I may not see it myself. I’m sorry that made you say 🙁 I just don’t want to be without support for my eating disorder..granted I would still have therapy and such just less intensive treatment. I have decided falling back into it is not worth it though, and I might as well tough the rough waters of recovery and take my next step. My current job also has a “wellness wednesday” where all they eat is salad w no protein just veggies and fruit smoothies…it isn’t normal. my last day (monday) I plan to send an email to all staff saying Eating Disorder Awareness and explaining while the idea in and of itself is good, you need to be sure to promote overall wellness and nurture your body and that many people struggle with eating disorders and you may have no idea.
Haha! I could definitely write the things he did wrong that frustrated me too…but that may make me angrier at him like he thought it was all my fault, he didn’t try hard enough, etc. lol… i’ve thought about that a little bit and it gets me angry lol
Yeah, I can be friends with him. He may ask for my number and I just hope he doesn’t want to date me…I guess if he shows interest and tells me I will be honest say I’m not over my ex and I still love my ex… Thank you for all the kind words 🙂 Sometimes I feel so weak, so broken, so imperfect. And yeah, that’s true. I just can’t imagine a future without my ex… but we will see. I think we have so much potential and we really love eachother…at least I thought so…
Yeah the old ex…you’re right… he just affects me and makes me think of how badly he treated me. I think he has realized now but he is much too late. One time he destroyed a bear I gave him and sent me a pic. It waas messed up. Yeah you have a really good point. I need to make sure I fully have forgiven him, I thought I had but I should check again.
Wow. You really thought so!? Oh my goodness…you saw something in me that I did not see! I thought I was completely hopeless and now on day 21 of NC 🙂
I guess I should look over my posts like you have suggested, it will help I think. Wow. all that means a lot. I don’t see ANY of that in myself! I’m glad you do 🙂@finntoga, oh that makes sense. I guess we will see what happens. I hope he ends his rebound relationship :/ Yeah, I completely understand about the daily battle… I’m so proud of you for being so strong. Has he contacted you at all since the break up? Did you ever reach out? And wow, I haven’t thought about it that way at all! I guess I could write a list about all the things I’m grateful for?
I dont know if my ex is in rebound because either I was completely wrong about him but if someone normally needs lots of time to make decisions and makes and makes this one in less than two months to move in with someone either it is because he is rebounding and in reality really does not know what he wants or he really is soooo in love that he met the right person for him. I think the he just got scared because he is super rational person and not really big on emotions and things between us were so strong and passionate that I think it scared him that the connection was so strong. He said it himself couple of times that he wants me too much. He is not really the gutsy go after the things I want type whereas I am the opposite I am quite fearless at times because I always think well what I have got to lose, I rather try and fail than not try at all. So I dont know really anymore. He has not contacted me but my last email to him was not very nice. When he told me about her I got so angry and hurt that I was not able to speak so I waited two weeks in hopes of my anger going down it did not so I sent him really angry response to say t how I felt and ended with words I will not contact you again so knowing his nature and lack of courage in better words (I dont mean he is wimpy coward but in feelings department a bit yes, dont get me wrong he is still best person I know but I am being honest what we are like both of us) so I am not expecting it and I think if he really does want me then I need him to show it to me. So come hell or high water I will not initiate contact.
Back to you, much better subject anyway : ).Why I say it is 50/50 chance is because there are two options here either he wants to be with you or not so 50/50 but maybe that is my way of making things bit too simple. Dunno. I am not all knowledgeable so; )
No one is ever completely hopeless but not everyone is willing to try to work on things to improve themselves and that is what I saw in your willingness to change and that is where it starts from. You really should read this chain from the start and see how amazing way already you have become by each post and how you go further. Part of my suggestion to become friends with the guy from work is that it is nice to have someone new to get to know as a friend and maybe someone who can open your eyes to new experiences and I mean purely as friends like I said only when you are ready to move on you can. I am the same in that sense. It is okay to sometimes feel like you are broken and imperfect that is normal we all feel that at times but the key to you is not dwell on it and harm yourself. And I like what you say above about the eating disorder and mail at work. It is really good idea to raise awareness because lot more people suffer from eating disorders than people think. You should take more initiatives like that : ). It also keeps your mind and hands of the phone : ). Like write a blog about the struggle with eating disorder you have had that could help lots of people or something like that. Being raw and honest about your fears are way of facing them. So you are doing amazing job and rather than looking at reduced support in fear think it is because you are winning the battle with this so there they trust and know you can manage this yourself and you can. You are very strong person yourself.
Hi @finntoga thanks for all of that. I will respond more thoroughly soon! Currently at group so don’t have much time 🙂 I just am feeling down right now though… It’s day 21 and he has said nothing. I feel like he doesn’t miss me or care or he doesn’t want to work it out ever.
I definitely understand the passion. My ex and I didn’t sleep together and we were still very passionate. For example, public displays of affection. I’m kind of embarrassed about it because I usually don’t like that at all but he and I like couldn’t resist kissing each other in public… Including passionately. He said he hadn’t done that w any other girl. Maybe small peck of a kiss but nothing like with me. I just hope I am his true love as well because he is mine and I miss him like crazy. Another thing keeping me from talking right now is if he DOES want me back we still need more space to work on our own issues. I am a bit scared he is just moving on though… Finding another girl, trying to move on. About a year ago he tried moving on we didn’t talk for a month then ran into each other then I confessed my feelings and we got together. I just love him I can’t explain it. I love him so deeply.Wow I can’t believe your ex hasn’t said anything but I want to say that you are handling it so well now. I am so encouraged by you and proud of you. As for the guy at work, yeah he could be a friend however I don’t know what to do if he likes me? Yesterday he said I should stay a week longer so I could be there with him 😮
I want my ex though I want to know what he is doing. I guess I get what you are saying about the 50/50 chance. I hope he wants me and wants to work on stuff. What if he has said nothing in 30 days of nc? I am feeling hopeless at this point 🙁Thank you for the support about sending the email. I want to do it… Scared though. And yeah that’s true I hope I am winning the battle. Some girls come back though and I don’t want to come back but I feel I’m not ready to leave treatment yet… Do you think the fact I’m on day 21 of nc and he has said nothing means he never wants me again? His phone is still off
@ Finntoga-Thank you for the comments! I love the way you guide Brokenhearted with compassion-always giving her valuable insights and amazing advice throughout your posts.
Hi Brokenhearted-I guarantee you will find happiness with someone else if this ex is not the ONE. I want you to think of all the characteristics and traits that you want in a future boyfriend/husband. Think of his personality and the way that he treats you. What’s his communication style? How does he deal with problems? What’s he like when he’s angry? Now compare those to your ex. How does your ex compare to this list? If this ex lacks a lot of these qualities, then just know that your true love is going to have the qualities that you want and need.
I honestly don’t think you could be interested in dating anyone because you are still in love. I know that feeling very well. Every guy I would compare to my ex so nobody had a chance in hell with me. And that’s the predicament that you have. But being friends with a guy like Finntoga suggested is the right way to go.
And there is a damn good chance that your ex is feeling the same way you do. He might think of dating and compare every girl to you. Just read some of the guys’ threads when they breakup with their exes-the same thoughts are going through their head. And totally agreeing with Finntoga-there are a lot of unknown factors. And he’s a guy-of course, he’s going to be wondering why haven’t I heard from her? Guys have massive egos and if the girl that lavished hundreds of emails on him on a frequent basis has suddenly disappeared, his ego is going to take a hit.
With time, your feelings for your ex will fade if he doesn’t come back. You might love him even if he’s gone forever but it will just be in a different way. Even though I don’t know your ex, I can guarantee your ex truly loved you for all the reasons that Finntoga talked about in her other posts. And I agree with you that love isn’t just physical. It’s much more spiritual in nature. It comes from within and it radiates from your heart to the one you love. But negative energy works the same way and it can poison a relationship. When negative energy overwhelms both individuals in a relationship, it begins to choke and suffocate them. One person always exits because the negativity is just too much to deal with.
It’s good to hear that you felt happy/bubbly like the old you. Embrace the girl that you were before you met your ex!! Let that girl out more often. Think of all the things you wanted to learn or do before he entered your life. Think of things that make you happy. And do them. You don’t know how short life can be. Take advantage of every moment. You stay in the moment by thinking this could be my last day on earth. Ask yourself-Do I really want to be miserable? Is this negative what if thought even worth having?
You are learning a lot in your breakup aftermath!! That’s great!! When I read your first post, I could see how much you were hurting and needed help. But as the days go by, you are transforming like an independent butterfly that is finding her own way out of breakup hell. You are learning that happiness lies within your grasp-you don’t ever need to rely on a guy to be happy. And you are going to continue to grow and change. Stay tuned because the best is yet to come!
Hi @dragongirl
Thanks for your comment 🙂 should I be worried that I’m on day 21 of nc and his phone is still off and he hasn’t contacted me though?
Yeah you’re right I’m still in love and cannot move on to anyone else, I hope my feelings don’t fade 🙁 honestly do you think I even have a chance or do you think given the no contact from him and his phone being off that he is completely done?You’re right @finntoga has been very helpful and gives very compassionate advice 🙂
I feel like your list of questions my ex meets them except for communication and when he’s angry which I believe he’s working on both. I don’t want to helieve that he’s not my true love at this time bc I believe he is :/ what is your honest opinion? Sure maybe he could have realized I’m not responding by now and also idk if he has checked his personal email at all since he hasn’t had his phone on. But three weeks would be a super long time not to so hopefully he has and notices I’m silent :/ feeling so heartbroken and down right now. Nothing from him sucks do you think if he wanted me back he would have contacted me by now?
How come being friends with other guys is helpful? lol just wondering bc I think this guy likes me… It actually reminds me of the situation my ex and I were in but just slightly and then the issues set in and we didn’t work how we both wanted us too AND I’ve seen us work I know it can happen. How can he go from discussing our wedding night and talking about our children to saying nothing ever again? Makes no sense
Do you think even guys who broke up would be frantic if the ex gf hasn’t contacted them tho? I also keep thinking about the friends in distant comment and I no longer want to be w you bc you go crazy all the time and the sorry for it ending over email but I can no longer put up w this and then the i know I told you I wouldn’t just stop talking to you but I have given you reasons as to why we will no longer be together as well as a possibility of us talking in the future
That really hurt me when he said that. I feel like that means he completely is done no longer wants me at all??? Or is the fact he was angry an influencing factor to what he said? It makes me so nervous thinking he may just not want me 🙁 like why put me through that crap ignoring me for 10 days that’s not okay. I’m so mad I’m finally feeling the anger and the hurt too, not just the hurt
Can a guy get over an ex gf so quickly? I don’t believe he was out of love with me… Would this love be fading already 🙁 and yeah I definitely agree w you about love and it just makes me miss him more 🙁 day 21 of nc and still nothing 🙁
I hope the negativity can be forgotten and then worked through?
Well I was still that girl when I met my ex! And I’m worried he only loves that part of me which went missing sometimes when my mental health was on the rocks 🙁 he was able to break up w the mother of his child so why would he give me another chance? Completely heartbroken feeling I have no chance
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