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Hi @dragongirl thanks for your reply 🙂
I’m trying to calm my anxieties a bit. Sometimes I literally just shake due to it…I’m on medication and stuff and that kinda bothers me thinking “why do I need this” and at the same time I know it was a good choice to go to a psychiatrist bc sometimes it is a brain imblanace.
Yeah, that’s a really good point. Do we know he was really emotional though????? I mean he hadn’t talked to me in like 1.5 weeks! after I had blown up his phone sending 50 then like 10-15 the next few days then 0 for two days and then like 15…then the work stuff…so maybe he wasn’t the happiest about that?
I hope I won’t be easy to forget because every little thing is reminding me of him at this point. I will see things at Disney that remind me of him or make me think of something he likes, etc. I will try my very hardest to not focus as much on his last words…so difficult though. And yeah I feel he doesn’t miss me. Day 13 NC and nothing. On to day 14. Also his phone isn’t back on and that reallllllly upsets me! Is he changing it forever? Will it ever turn back onnnnnnnnn?? It is not disconnected… it is jut not available currently due to bill. I hope that he is able to forget the negative things and at least start to see where he also went wrong… I can see both sides at this point.I will try to not be so harsh on myself. I am a perfectionist if you couldn’t tell (I’m sure you could lol it’s obvious) and when I screw up I in the future have been like “screw this!” …you know, black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking… with my ED recovery I’m learning to move forward even if I slip back.
And yeah I’ve been less obsessive and still have checked things once and tried calling twice today. UGH.
I am also glad I seem more self aware to you, too. I feel like I haven’t achieved anything…but I guess also I have ready so many posts about people breaking NC and it not going well…and I haven’t broken it…bc I dont want a bad result like them…
Also thank you for the compliments 🙂 It really means a lot that you think I’m a good person 🙂
Of course he was emotional, when he broke up with you, you do not cold anger unless it comes from a strong emotion behind it . Do you think a man who already has so much on his plate i.e two jobs, child and obviously is tight with money would have even started or stayed in relationship with you if he did not love you? Did you feel loved when you were with him because then it was real from him. You just need to remember that men a wired differently from us quite many of them are able to compartmentalize things in their head and ignore it for awhile like dealing with feelings but sooner or later they have to and that is thy I often think they come back six months or year or what ever time later wanting you back. He wanted to wait for you despite admitting being sexually frustrated so that speaks for his character and feelings for you. I think you need to do a little check on what you expect from people because seems to expect things but that is the point, people will not do what you want and hope all the time because they are individual and think differently than you. I see other people writing here similar things saying of why wont he or she do this and that because people simply do not do that. And to me it says control you want a person who does things the way you want and expect you aint’t never gonna find one. Accept the persons you love as they are humans, they have their wonder sides and then their less wonderful sides. We all have limitations and like those members of family who do not understand your issues it is not because they don’t care it is a limitation they have i,e lack of empathy, patience or something else what you need to do is to accept that and I understand it does not come from their bad place. Same with your ex when he talked about being sexually frustrated, he was not saying I am going to leave you because I am not getting any or I will cheat. He was doing what you want i.e sharing his feeling, it was good thing but you took it as negative and scary thing. when your partner talks about negative things that sound to you like bad things, take a step back in your head and think of it rationally instead with emotion that is what I do because if I follow my emotional first reaction it is most often not good so I take few minutes just sit there and let me brain do the work and tadaa answers and questions come and you are able to have that normal conversation without crying and getting into an argument. Because the conversation in this sexual intercourse should have been how can we work around this that he is not sooooo frustrated but you do not give up on your virginity and can follow through with your beliefs to wait until marriage, because there would have been different options there too. But that seemed to be missing from your relationship a bit working through together to a solution. You would get anxious and obsessive and he would get angry. Not a great combination. You are still only day 14 of nc and you need to learn to be patient this is a process of healing for both of you and it takes what it takes. I mean if he still has not paid his phone he must have some financial issue that are fairly serious and those can be very stressful so please try to have understanding for that it is things like that will take precedence for him now because he is responsible for another person whereas you are responsible only of yourself. You are doing well and keep doint the way you are, I know about being hard on yourself because I have high demands for myself too but i also say to myself if I at least tried then I did good even if I did not do what I wanted or if I failed but I tried and that makes difference. And you are trying so the days when you do try his phone or his social media sites are setbacks not failures. Failure would be you emailing him 50 times and sitting at home your thoughts going a circle on him 24/7. But look at what you doing only at day 14 you on atrip with family, you are starting a new job, you have kept at your eating plan despite having this heartache so it already shows such movement forward it i brilliant .You are actively working on your mental issue like seeing a therapist so what if they reduce it, you will see how it goes and then seek help if is not but you know to seek help instead letting it go on so that is amazing and it makes you amazing so keep at it girl if you are on this good road on day 14 where do you think you are in day 30. You are strong.
Hi @finntoga 🙂
Yeah, that’s true. I guess my self esteem still is not great so I think that he just does not care. Do we know he was angry though? And yeah last time he threatened to call police for stalking so I knew he was angry but idk about this time? I need to stop comparing situations
And yeah that’s a really good point. He didn’t have two jobs at first but he would work overtime at his old job… And yeah I didn’t know about money being tight… I know for my bday dinner we had to wait for his next time he was paid… But also he buys this energy drink that is prob expensive… I think he gets free ones too Bc he helps promote them.?
And yeah I did feel loved when we were together. I really did. We barely ever fought when we were in person, well we never fought at all there would be a few times one of us would be a little upset then get over it.
Haha I can’t even fathom compartmentalizing Bc I am so the opposite. For me everything runs together .
And blah I don’t want 6 months to pass Bc what if he dates someone else or moves on I would be devastated 🙁
And yeah that’s a really good point about sexual frustration… I never thought of it that way. Thanks for your insight 🙂 that helps me frame it a new way.And yeah one time he said I have certain expectations and constantly push them on him and we are not on the same page when it comes down to it. that was like a month before break up when we both were Falling back. That comment reallly bothers me and makes my heart ache 🙁
He also had said “you and I are not working together properly” and then he didn’t wanna talk about it. I think the reason was he was upset Bc he thought I was trying to control our relationship… It really was my anxiety though.
And wow that was a really good point about everyone having limitations… In therapy they call accepting everything radical acceptance like “this is the situation right now and I’m going to accept that” it’s so hard for me to do that though…
And yeah I wish I thought of it as rationally as you just pointed out. I guess I always doubted everything Bc I have such bad trust issues like I knew I could trust him and I would still freak out if I didn’t hear from him…
Also I tried calling his phone today again (blocked of course) still off. I need to stop tho -.-You’re exactly right!!! We needed to talk more in person after we were upset. If we get back together I am definitely emphasizing that… I mean he had said he would enjoy everything else about me and be happy w me and blah idk things eventually fell apart as we fell back into bad habits
And yeah that’s true the money would be
A big thing… I didn’t think of it that way either! Especially taking care of his son.I have to go again but I will respond to the rest of your post later today 🙂
Hey you,
Come on was he angry? Remind me again how many times did you contact him per day??Anger can be different kind I mean it can be this red hot fury of explosion in heat of moment or it can be cold anger that has been built up in time and can take longer to get over. You cannot compare the two times you breakup simply because they are two totally different times and there were different things driving you. First time it happened it is always easier to get back together. He was actually right you were trying to control the relationship, you say it was your anxiety but that is not entirely true is it? I mean you did want him to behave like you expected i.e spend a lot of time with you, open up to you completely despite if his personality is to deal with issues by himself, you saw threats to your relationship in other people around him that was not driven by anxiety but desire to have it your way and not accepting that not all sides about or how he behaves are what you want. And there the radical acceptance your therapist talks about is vital. The perfectionist in you demands that you perform everything brilliantly including getting the kind if relationship you want. But this where life throws the curve balls. You will not get what you want unless you accept that life is hard, it gives you great moments but there is no promises that life will be easy and you get what you want because that is not how it works. How it does work is that you learn to enjoy those little moments of happiness and joy you get and aspire to be best you, you can be because that will hep you get through tough times, enjoy the good ones and be grateful for those moments. You can never control any other person and how they react to things. You pretty much cannot impact anything except what you do, how you react and how you are. Everything else is not in your control and take it from a fellow control freak it is hard lesson to learn but you will and you can. I did. : ). Yes you can always work on improving circumstances and situations but you cannot control how other people react. Like look at what you wrote I don’t want to wait for six months but what if that is what he needs time wise? Would you wait for him and let him do what he needs to do to be in a place where he can be a partner to you. And no you were not working together because when he tried to talk to you, you let your previous relationship baggage to take control of your reaction to it and you instantly saw it as threat and instead of seeing that he was trying to communicate to you what he was feeling albeit typical male style not in the best way he tried, you just werent ready to hear him. I am just saying this as something that helps you to see how badly you too communicated and why because neither of you put yourselves in the other persons shoes. Before you take this all wrong and start blaming yourself for everything DON’t. Everybody does these types of mistakes in a point of their lives so you are not a first and not the last. What you makes you special you are now learning about these things and next time you will not repeat these mistakes but instead take breather, think and try to see the different ways to think about a situation instead of seeing the worst.
You know he loves you. He is upset too and does miss you but he has a son who needs him, some other situations he needs to take care of so before you think he will move on he has other things to worry about and even he will need to deal with this situation sooner or later. But again you need to give him as much time as he needs. If you cannot do that then you should not be together. So do this 30 days nc first and see how you are if you feel that you are able to contact him once only( no calling multiple times, texting or emailing )and accept any outcome i.e him responding and saying he wants to meet you, him not answering at all, him answering he wants to only be friends then you are ready to do it. Otherwise you will need more time. You see you still are jumping between past and what will happen in future but you are not in this moment enough and it is this moment that matters : ). Like you keep thinking what if his phone does not work when the nc is over, I dont think you should call him or text him. I think you should write him a letter not addressing every issue you two had but instead telling him all the work you have done with yourself and how much it has impacted you and thank him for helping you to see that. Because if you do get back together Dragongirl said it well it is not a same relationship it is new relationship and you have to treat it as such not as something where you just continue where you left off. You get to know each other again slowly, just have simple fun. Like take him and his son for a picnic in a park things like that do not cost a lot of money whereupon you just have fun, and he feels no pressure. Dont get me wrong I really do hope you get back together but I just want you to be in place where you value yourself as the great person you are and know that you are loved and cared for even if he does not do it exactly the way you would have expected; ). But I have no doubts that he was seriously in love with you, none whatsoever.
I am proud of where you are going with your thinking , you are doing so great and there is no need to thank me but yourself because it is you who is taking the feedback in, applying it to your situation and learning from so thank yourself for having and open mind for learning : ).
@finntoga, first responding to the rest of your other post.
Yeah I’m done w day 14 of NC now…really missing him and it has been sooo hard. I tried calling again of course blocked -_- and looked at his IG once and also his coworkers IG. It’s so annoying. I want to go a WEEK not trying his phone…and at the same time I know I will be extremely anxious if his phone is not back on within a wekk… And yeah I guess trying does make a lot of sense…I have tried and I also still am incredibly hard on myself. And yeah I guess it’s a setback but I’m mad at myself for doing it again. And OMG I don’t want to email 50 times again!! I was not in a good emotional/mental place and was heartbroken and insecure. Yeah that’s true, I hope the new job will be a nice change and being on vacation has helped, I fly back tomorrow though…And thank you for saying that 🙂 It means a lot bc sometimes I don’t think I’m strong at all!
Hey @finntoga.
Yeah… a lot of times..okay okay, lol. And yeah the last time it was this red hot fury anger and this time it seemed more masked like he didn’t care or whatever… that’s how I took it at least. And yeah you are right, I shouldn’t compare the two times..or any of the text fights bc every time is a little different (at least) I also know I need to exit the cycle that we were in…so me begging for him back just continues that unhealthy cycle. OH NO! I hope the first time isn’t that much easier to get back together 🙁 I’m also worried I will never have him again. And yeah I was trying to control it and at the same time, so was he! We both did our habits to try to control the others… And yeah, my anxiety sometimes controls me and I keep thinking of all the bad anxious fears and then my anxiety leads me to act on things bc I feel like if I don’t , I will lose him. So it’s a mix of both. And yeah I did want him to behave like that…and also I was under the impression he would when we got together…and I guess we had started the unhealthy cycle anyway…And yeah, I would get really intimidated when some other girls liked him…I just felt threatened. And yeah, I know I need to practice more radical acceptance… and yeah you are totally right about the perfectionism. And yeah, life definitely throws curve balls, it is sooo hard though not wanting to control things… because my whole eating disorder is based on a want to control something (my body) -_-And yeah, I so many times have tried to help people and it really hurts me when I’m not enough to change them… like my old ex …I tried to help him and it did a lot of damage to me.
Yeah, that is a really hard lesson to learn…I am glad you were able to learn it ! I hope I can. Yeah, I can’t control others, just myself…it just is hard bc I want to KNOW what will happen! UGH! Well I guess 6 months scares me bc what if he moves on to another girl and I’m just letting the love of my life slip away ? 🙁 I guess I should just not worry about that though…I am only just done w day 14 of NC. WEll, he didn’t try to talk to me about issues all the time…he liked to slip things under the rug. Actually, he would say that I can’t reset or drop things or assume the best in him. It would have felt way better if he believed I could assume the best..It probably hurt him that a lot of times, I didn’t. I would wait for him…I don’t know if I could if we go six months NC and I don’t know if I will get him back…
YOu’re definitely right. Towards the end of it I started to put myself in his shoes..well I was beginning to and it was helping a tiny bit. And I’m glad I’m not the only one who makes these mistakes..I just feel so horrible and guilty like I ruined everything. I seriously passionately deeply love him.
Yeah, taking a breather sounds like an excellent idea.. so that I can not react in emotional mind and I have time to process and let my emotions calm down…
I hope he loves me and misses me and upset… you’re right about the son. He definitely loves his son and is a great dad…and that’s so attractive to me.
When will he deal with it though? I understand he has other stressors and perhaps he is focusing on that… I don’t know. blahhh.
And yeah I will continue to day 30 of NC. I just finished day 14. On to day 15. Sooo hard. Last time I only did a 21 day NC bc his bday was day 22. so this time is harder especially with the phone situation. Yeah, if I reach out and he says nothing, I will wait a week (per another sites advice) and reach out again…if he ignores again I will wait 2 weeks…etc. And yea I definitely keep jumping between past and future. It is soo hard for me to stay in the moment..I almost don’t know how haha.And yeah I keep freaking out about the phone.. well, if his phone is on I would text something friendly like “remember that one time we played with that Spock doll and laughed? That was a good time” and if he doesn’t maybe try again and then maybe a letter… Idk That letter idea does sound really good though…perhaps I should think about it some more. Yeah, @dragongirl is right,it would be a new relationship..a healthier one.
And really? You have no doubts he was seriously in love with me? How come?
Thank you so much for your encouragement. I really would have contacted him for now had it not been for you and @dragongirl.
Okay I will be straight with you two things bothered me in the above answer. First this bit: “And yeah, I so many times have tried to help people and it really hurts me when I’m not enough to change them… like my old ex …I tried to help him and it did a lot of damage to me. ” reason why it bothers me is because the wording I am not enough to change them. You cannot change anyone but you. Therefore when it comes to others change is something they must want for themselves and want to do it and only things you can do is what we are now doing for you listen, offer advice but at the end of the day how things turn out it is all in your hands not ours. Therefore I am not sitting here judging you, I will tell you my opinion based on my experiences but everything you do is up to you and I dont have a say in it. Therefore with your ex who cheated on you, if he wanted to change it was in his hands not yours. It is sad that you got hurt in the process but that sometimes happens when you decide to invest time and feelings for a person and they let you down. So let of go the things that happen with the old ex. Why because what is done is done, you cant change that but you can change future. The second things what you said about contacting the ex you want back. Do you see something bit scary there… I said contact him once to see where he is and you instantly went if he does not answer I will contact him two weeks later and if he still not answer I will continue until he will. That is exactly pressuring him and will not bring you a result you want. I am teeling you this of course you can do what you want but just saying. Try once and let him decide when he is ready to respond. He seemed like decent guy so I am sure he will respond but response might not the kind you like so just be prepared for both options and if he says no, you should take his word for it. Respect what he wants even if it is not what you want. Like I said I hopehis response is positive but you need to be realistic and be prepared that it is 50/50 either way.No one knows and no one can give you the guarantee on it. So dont get anxious about it is just the reality of your situation.
I don’t know when he deals with it I am just saying right now his focus is mainly on the issues he can work on. But somepoint most people need to face it just depends on the person.Why do I thionk he really loves you. He tried for over a year to get you to date him, many man would have give up, he took your excessive behavior longer than many others would have and reason is because he knows you are great person and he loves you. He was willing to wait as long as it takes to male love to you. That is rare these days in young man. Shows that he respected you a lot. It is in their treatment of you how they show their true feelings so that to me says he does love you. But hius anger issues and your clingyness was not a good combination and that is why I think also that if you do not give him chance to ponder response even if it takes weeks then you contacting him every week or two weeks is exactly the behavior he does not want. So please if nothing else re-think that approach.
@Finntoga, man, this site hasn’t let me post all day! Trying from laptop now.
Yeah, I understand why the first one bothered you. I know that I can’t change anyone except myself. However, at the time I just wanted me to be enough motivation for my old ex to change. I wanted to be the one he loved enough to change for…and in a way, I was. He didn’t physically cheat, just would flirt with others online and with a couple girls they took their shirts off! It was sick! I was not okay with that.
What I meant by trying to help him was that, at the time, I thought I could. I learned and now know that I can only change myself; however, I was so patient to him, so kind to him, while he would get very angry and lash out and say very emotionally abusive things :/ I put up with it for as long as I did because I thought I could help him and knew he had mental/emotional health issues and I emphasized with him because he had had a hard life and such..
At the same time, I understand why it bothers you. I get the sense that you are upset and sad that I thought I could change others because for anyone who does this, it hurts the helper the most.
I totally understand where you are coming from and I’m really glad you called me out on that. Even with my eating disorder, for a long time people were concerned and/or I relied on others with my issues to help me (like my new ex) and I know it hurt them because then they didn’t feel like enough! When it was really me believing in myself and believing that I could recover that was missing. I needed to deal with it alone, not with others…yeah they can help support me but they cannot heal me.
Yeah, I need to really let go. How do I do so?
And yeah, that’s a good point about the ex I want back…I didn’t think of it that way! I had just read on another ex bf recovery site that that was what the guy recommended!
And yeah I hope he responds and I hope he wants to see me and loves me and misses me and wants us to work, because that is how I currently feel. I just want a true honest response from him I feel he broke up out of emotion and anger… Yeah, I do need to learn to be OK with not getting him back ever, regardless of thinking he is the love of my life. I am on day 15 NC now and it feels like forever! 15 more days at least!? Also I’m annoyed with him not reaching out by now AND I know maybe he needs more time AND that his phone being off makes it wayyyyyyyyyyyy easier for him to not contact me… Yeah, I know his grandma died early march too and he didn’t really want to talk about it. I know he views feelings sometimes as weakness, by that I mean I feel like he views needing help or support as being weak, I hope he is able to change that mindset. And yeah, He didn’t give up.. I really hope he won’t now. I loved him the whole time too…I was just in denial…
Yeah, that’s a good point too He talked aabout our wedding night in that way too.. haha awkward. He also said I was so tempting haha and like beautiful and that I was the most beautiful to him blah blah blah. But my eating disorder part of my brain started telling me that thats a lie… eventually he didn’t text me stuff as much I think bc I would say “no I do look fat” or “no I’m not pretty” and I know that upset him…also my clinginess got way worse and I know that upset him too. Hopefully he is able to realize what upset me so we can both work to better ourselves. Yeah I will definitely re think the texting approach…you’ve made a really good point given our situation is unique!
Hey Brokenhearted, its good to hear that you continue to stay on the path of NC. I know how much self-control that takes. You need to find ways to increase your self-esteem. That’s your mission to do for this week and then report back to us. Of all the things you and Finntoga were talking about, I want to know more about the emotional abuse. This really concerned me because it can severely affect your self-esteem to the point you see yourself through a distorted lens. And I know your eating disorder did that too. When would your ex become emotionally abusive? @Finntoga, you gave excellent advice about control. Its really great advice for any woman going through breakup hell!!
Addressing the fact of whether he was emotional during the breakup. Yes I know he was. You were together way too long for him to not be angry. He may be a guy but behind their brave and cocky personas-they are even more sensitive than us. And he’s definitely missing you by now even if you haven’t heard from him. He’s got to be wondering wtf happened to you.
Also this is what I was trying to send this morning…and also I looked at his IG again as well as coworker, friend and mother of his son -___-
I’m doing it WAY LESS than like a week ago… (when I checked all the time) and have only checked school site yesterday…and I feel anxious not checking and also checking doesn’t help. I know I need to give myself credit for making such a great improvement in a week..but blah.@finntoga @dragongirl
I’m having a really really tough morning. I called blocked again this morning and still off. I’m just upset and anxious thinking he will never reactivate or pay his phone bill Bc he never wants to talk to me again? He also has a work cell…I’m pretty sure he’s not using it for personal purposes though…I hope not at least Bc I would hate if that annoying coworker texted him still hasn’t been on ig tho and I fell back last night and looked at the school page ugh.
still hasn’t been on ig tho and I fell back last night and looked at the school page ugh. I figured I would express my anxiety here instead of continuing unhealthy obsessive habits. Like his phone has been off like almost 2.25 weeks and the bill isn’t very expensive… It’s cricket. He wouldn’t lie about that though I’m just having a lot of irrational thoughts and doubts this morning. Feel so lost. And paranoid about his phone being disconnected so I have no way to call Bc he wants nothing to do w me?
And yeah I’m speaking out of emotion mind and I feel it may be helpful to get it out there..Hey @dragongirl, thanks for your reply
I don’t know why but this site keeps not letting me post on my own topic! It lets me post on others…though. Currently drafting this on an email hoping it lets me post tomorrow! And yeah it’s so hard. Been 15 days and no word from him. Oh, the mission for this past week…blah I couldn’t find many hot guys…kept thinking of my ex and how more attracted I am to him for part of it haha. I did find a couple though..like 2-5 I don’t remember…and I think any guy I found attractive was not white. Haha typical me. But none were cuter than my ex…in my opinion… I just love him…everything about him. Yeah the self esteem has been really hard since the beginning… I was sexually abused when I was a baby for about 2 years (by a cousin…she died when I was 5… bittersweet and maybe that sounds mean… but her parents never knew what she did to me and I went through He*l as a child being so scared people would hurt me!)
So my old ex (not the new ex…not the one I want back, to clarify) cheated on me emotionally and also was verbally and emotionally abusive. It was the typical domestic violence cycle you see. The guy mistreats the girl, then begs for her to forgive him and says he’s sorry then repeats the same. He knew I had an eating disorder and he knew I didn’t like certain females in his life and he would get really angry at me. Sometimes for like no reason. He would say things that he knew would hurt me the most. He even went out with this girl that he knew I hated JUST to upset me. He sent me pics of them kissing!!! He would call me fat and ugly and stupid when mad. Would yell at me. Say nasty things. I would try to take him out of emotional mind and a lot of times it didn’t help…definitely hurt me more. Now, he does not do any of these things to me… and I still cannot bring myself to trust him even if he has started to change…he’s still obsessed with me. I mean I went out of my way to be there for him and I let myself be treated terribly. It was miserable. When I would cry he would be nice about it when not angry and when he was angry he would tell me to lift my head up, etc.
Even now I feel bad not responding bc he’s been miserable and had first regressed. He tried calling me the beginning of this week then stopped. He lives in Florida now and I’m glad I didn’t see him!
Yes, I agree that @finntoga gave me excellent advice and I really will be thinking about what she said!
Yeah, about my new ex. I hope he was angry because that means he has deep intense emotions…at least I believe it does. Yeah I’ve always known he’s as sensitive as me (or at least close bc I’m suuuuuper sensitive) and he will try to be “strong” and will shut down and not show emotions not want to burden others w his issues …etc.
I hope he’s missing me! His phone is not on so maybe he thinks I’ve been contacting? And at the same time, my history was emailing him or calling his work/emailing that lol smh…. if I couldn’t get a hold of him…so he knows I would know how to…or he should at least. I hope he misses me :/
OMG sorry for posting in like little bits. AT first I thought the issue was length of posts then realized I needed to just take out the smiley face bc for some reason that was making it tell me I had an invalid username and email -__- all is well now haha I now know for now I can’t use those… Hope you guys don’t mind the chunks :/
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