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Posts
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Thanks so much for the encouragement. Usually when I slip up w anything I think black and white. Like with eating stuff I used to think my day was ruin and then do more behaviors! Now I am on a meal plan and learning to move forward w the next meal because that is best for my body.
Yeah that’s a good point I’m worried he wouldn’t respond to the letter haha but who really knows… So worrying about it doesn’t really help me. And yeah leaving my phone behind when I’m with my family helped yesterday. As far as my ex’s phone I won’t try to see again until day 22 of nc and feel free to hold me to that! I also wonder if he ever checked his email or if he is not thinking of me at all. But who wouldn’t have checked their email in almost two weeks… Question is if he read it. But once again obsessing about it doesn’t help. It’s just hard for me to focus on the right here and right now as opposed to being angry about the past and also disappointed and then worrying and wondering about the future. AhhAlso my other ex tried calling me 10 times last night :O there was also a text I got it much later and simply said I was in Disney world. I’m so annoyed it is like he is using my break up with new ex (the one I want to be with) as an opportunity for him, old ex to try and get me back. AND I BROKE UP W HIM 2.5 years ago!
Tell him to stop, say that there is no chance that you will get back together and that he needs to leave you alone. I really recommend that you read this whole chain we have written here when you get back hoke from this break and honestly you see vast improvement : ). There is still work to be done for sure but things have progressed so be really happy with that and feel good about it. Especially regarding your eating disorder that I have heard is difficult battle and you are doing so well. : )
Oh gosh I think I caught up with your posts! Okay so this is a mexican guy right that we are dealing with? I’ve dated plenty of those in the past because they are hot lol. It’s going to take longer than most guys for them to calm down so expect to wait for some time before your ex reaches out to you. It’s just the way they are. I’ve dated them, best friend has dated them, cousins have dated them so I know this type of guy very well. The fact that one of his relatives made a fucked up comment about you being white-don’t even bother wasting time thinking about that. It has no bearing on what your ex will do and decide about your relationship. Since you have been with him for a long time, the color of your skin doesn’t matter to him. Your behavior and his behavior doomed this relationship not your races. I think it’s cool that you were an interracial couple!! Does he normally date outside of his race or does he just date mexican girls? What about you?
I hope you are having a super awesome time on your vacation. Your goal is to find the hottest guy every place you go..doesn’t matter if it’s in a restaurant, store, beach, airport, etc..and report back to me and Finntoga who once again has given plenty of excellent advice! You are trying to retrain your mind to understand that even if you and your ex don’t have a future, there are plenty of other guys out there for the taking!! It’s just a practice exercise for you that has helped other friends and I know it can help you. So get to it!! I’ve been busy working on projects because I’m a writer for women magazines and websites in real life. I write articles about every aspect of relationships and health so I’m always busy but I wanted to make sure you were doing okay.
Hi @finntoga, I know I need to tell him and I don’t think he will listen. And I feel mean 🙁 And I know that shouldn’t stop me but I feel plain cruel. I don’t like hurting others. Blah. And sure, I’ll read it after vacation! I’m glad you can see improvement, that really means a lot to me. On another ex bf recovery site I posted and he said don’t worry about the phone thing bc I’m still early in NC…Finished day 11 though! So difficult. I really miss my ex I want him so badly. And I haven’t looked at his sites today. Leaving my phone behind really helps. Tomorrow I will be bringing it with me, though, and it will be tough! I need to talk to my therapist at 11:30 so we will see how I do allll day. Ugh. Anxioud about it. I also had a terrible day where my eating disorder was so strong today. I didn’t act on it, but was definitely tempted. I also had a food I’m super afraid of at dinner and was so uncomfortable, it tasted good and it’s still a fear food. I’m starting day 12 of NC now and nothing from my ex I’m feeling really down and bummed like he doesn’t want me ever… blah :/
Hi @dragongirl, good to hear from you! It really means a lot to me that you and @finntoga are willing to help me out SO much through this.
Yes, my ex is mexican haha yes, they are hot…and I think latinos generally are lol I mean not all but still. And with my ex I became more attracted to him as I got to know him more. That’s usually how it happens for me. Now he’s the most attractive guy on earth to me due to our chemistry and also our emotional connection and all our good times, plus I think he’s a cutie anyway :).
Why does it take longer for them to calm down. haha I thought this was specific to my ex? Is it cultural? He struggles with anger issues and will shut down as opposed to calming down and working through it. Last time I believe he liked my pictures on Instagram day 18 or 19?? I just finished day 11. And now he can’t like my IG pics bc he has me blocked (he had me blocked before but he could still like my pics, now instagram has changed its settings. And yeah that comment really upset me. That’s also why I was so upset that his coworker liked him (or I thought she did) he clearly was not interested AND I was soooo intimidated bc she’s mexican and I’m not. I’m the first white girl he’s ever liked and also dated… He said hes never fallen for a white girl haha like I’m the only one. He pretty much has just dated mexicans I believe? I used to like blonde guys but never dated them, it didn’t work out. And then like 3 year ago realized I really like Latinos haha. My old ex was ecuadorian and this ex is mexican. We also would talk about our biracial children and how cute they would be lol I love mixed babies I think they’re beautiful. But another comment ex made like one time when he was frustrated when we first got together was like “you realize we are too different right” and said we had different things we thought were rude, came from diff backgrounds, diff beliefs. And it really bothered me. He never said it again so maybe it was just said out of anger/frustration a year ago? Idk..
OMG I don’t even like looking at other guys haha.
But I guess I could try… lol scoping them out at Disney World! LOL
And yeah I guess there are other guys out there and I don’t want to go on a date w that coworker bc I’m emotionally not available. But I think your suggestion may be a good idea bc I wouldn’t be talking to them just observing. 🙂 Thank you for taking your time to reply to my thread! It means so much! Haha if you write relationship and health stuff I have a question, Am I one of the most obsessive/ craziest girls or have you seen crazier situations lol. And your job sounds awesome. That would be sooo cool!So you are both in US then? I did think so but was not 100 sure. I live in Denmark at the moment but I am Finnish, before this I lived in UK and Ireland so I guess I dont have country anymore. I have never dated Mexicans but I have been to Mexico ; ). I guess that does not really count. In general all my latino experiences are from my travels so not whole lot. My cup of tea tend to be Aussies though I have dated Albanian, Greek, Finn, Brit, Canadian, American and Dane . My last boyfriend and the love of my life is Danish but sadly it seems that he was the love of my life but not me his. But it happens. @Dragongirl I am not surprised that you are writer because you express yourself very eloquently and I really admired that. I wish I was so much better at it but then again English is not my first language; ).
@brokenhearted I am happy to help you in anyway I can and you are doing well better than you think so be proud. And have fun during this break. Find your inner child in Disneyland, you are never too old to have fun in there.@finntoga, yep both live in Chicago 🙂 it’s a big city tho lol
And wow that’s so cool that you’re Finnish! I’m actually 1/4 Finnish and a bit Swedish and about half Norwegian . So cool!
And wow that is amazing you have traveled so much!
Haha I’ve never been to Mexico I wanted to go w my ex 🙁 blahhhh he has family there still.
Oh no! I’m sorry to hear that 🙁 when did you guys break up slash did he try to get you back at all? 🙁
I think your English is great! I speak English
and Spanish and my Spanish is probably around the same level as your English and I’ve been told my Spanish is good so you are perfectly fine :)you also express yourself quite eloquently. And yeah I’m not surprised @dragongirl is a writer either bc she always comes up with good new ideas and advice
And thanks for saying that. I was super anxious today… Worried that my ex will never come back then I had a scare with thinking I lost my phone. Also if my ex’s phone is off will nc be as effective?!!? I know I could email but still anxious :/ thoughts?We broke up just before xmas but it is fine. I have accepted it and no he has not asked me back and I decided since what he did to me, first contact must come from him, he has to show me he wants me but I believe he is seeing someone else so be it. I dont think about him that much because it is not good for me and I concentrate fully on my studies (final year , final exams in one weeks time, I had degree before from Finland and have been working for many years but decided to go back to school again). Yes I am the blonde hair blue eyes Scandinavian prototype with extremely fair skin which annoys me because I dont tan ever even if I try I only burn: ) I speak Finnish of course, Swedish, learning Danish but it is hard and also bit of French, Spanish, German and fair bit of Russian. I was lousy in maths in school so put more effort on languages ; ). Of course NC is effective you are working on your issues. If he does not miss you in first two weeks it will take month, two if it does that you cannot impact but being best possible you , you can and that will get you through either getting back together or accepting it is over which ever scenario comes through but that is something to deal with later now it is about you.
I have only been to Chicago airport to change flights on my way to LA. I have relatives around Michigan, Minnesota areas. Have been doing family history and am in contact with some over there. But you know how it is since you have Scandinavian heritage that there are lots of them around those parts: ). I have only been to Puerto Vallarta but it was great, I went there after I had been to LA and Vegas to see my friends and former colleagues so it was nice chill out time on the pool and beach and did a little tour as well.My favorite place in whole planet is Australia. Been there 4 times and love it.
@Brokenhearted, I’m glad I could help a bit! I agree-Latin guys are serious hotties in a variety of ways!! It takes longer for them to calm down because it’s in their culture. Growing up, many are not taught how to express their emotions especially to women. So this is a reason why you are struggling with your ex. He’s not sure wtf to do with negative emotions-and will shut down until his mind figures out a way to deal with them. How did he deal with previous breakups? He will most likely use the same coping mechanisms as before because he knows that it worked last time as well.
In general, how active was he on Instagram? And don’t feel intimidated that another girl has a better chance at him because she’s mexican..The large majority of guys don’t choose a girl purely on the basis of her skin. There were a lot of different factors that made your ex want a relationship with you. The fact that you were his first interracial relationship means that he seen something very special in you. How did you meet? And when he made this comment “you realize we are too different right” (it’s very obvious at that point, his mind was seriously considering a future with you (marriage, kids, etc..) because mentally he was trying to figure how the two cultures would work together. And like most guys in this type of relationship, totally freaked out haha. It’s very difficult to merge two cultures but many have done it. It’s a really beautiful process to have two completely different cultures intertwine their religion, celebrations, beliefs, traditions, etc and merge into one. I agree with you-the bi-racial kids are stunning with mixed features. It’s the best physical features of both races blended into one little soul.
lol go try scoping out other guys even at Disney World. There’s hot guys all around. You only need to check them out and notice things you admire! And I want you to ask yourself, would you date him? Yes or no? Purely judging them on their physical features. Your mission right now is to enjoy your surroundings..take in every little detail that brings joy into your life. I know how much a breakup can feel like a disastrous event in your life but you will see it’s just a small blip in your life radar once you are in the arms of your true love.
And yes, I love my job!! No, I have seen much crazier girls/situations than you Brokenhearted. I have seen girls try to cut their exs’ hair in their sleep so they can put a spell on them. One tried to cut an ex in some way so she could wear a vial of his blood like in movies she seen. I have seen girls send gifts and flowers to their exs’ work trying to get their attention. (So many flowers, that coworkers assumed someone had died!) I have seen girls use fake cell phones to take pics of exs’ with their new women then put the girl on a homewrecking site. I have seen girls put up with all kinds of shit from their men like buying the ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend a massive TV and giving her an apartment because it would make the ex-bf happy, believing that if she could make him happy that he would come back. Guys too!! I have seen a guy freak out and buy an expensive diamond ring and propose to an ex at her front door as soon as she opened it. Only to find that their ex was already hooking up with another guy-totally awkward moment lol. Trust me, your story is heartbreaking but not as crazy as you may think. There are girls that are a million times more extreme lol!!!
@Finntoga and Brokenhearted-Thank you for the endearing comments! @ Finntoga, I didn’t know you weren’t a native English speaker! You definitely fooled me because you have given such excellent advice with brilliant insights time and time again. You seem so strong during your breakup. Did you date after your ex? And although you didn’t know it at the time, your dating experiences would be a treasure trove of valuable information that would help Brokenhearted miles away. I love your timeline for an ex missing you. I think more people need to learn it and believe in that because it’s very true.
@DragongirlNo I have not dated anyone yet. I have flirted but I believe taking my time to grieve the most significant relationship I have ever had in my life and he was that for me. So far. He has been only person of my dating relationships where I felt 100% ability to be me and home. I have tendency to always keep small part of me from everyone just for me (and that applies to all my relationships with my family friends and I have some really good close friends and I am close with my mother and my sister but still I keep a bit to me) and he was the one person I felt ability to open 100% Show all of myself. I was devasted when it ended but I have always believed that you need accept people as they are, you cannot hold onto someone if they you are not what they want. It does not mean I am less of a person but for me it was a question of being honest and real even if it hurt. Pain is part of life’s tapestry and most important thing for me was to love him enough and love myself more to forgive him so I dont hold on to negative feelings and am able to continue without him. So now I am really busy with exams and work. I have friends and so many things in my life that I just keep myself grounded remembering what I have and not what I dont have. Something will come in future but I am also okay in my own skin to be alone it does not make me afraid. So for now until I feel ready to date I wont do it but I am open for something new so I dont keep myself closed but I have not yet met a man who can charm with his intellect and conversation because that is important to me. So in the mean I just have fun with my friends and meet my family when I can (we are all in different countries so it makes harder but we facetime weekly). You see I look at all life’s experiences as learning opportunities and chance to improve myself. Change will get you somewhere it could be different but just be open. I am so glad you did not notice that I am not a native speaker: ). I don’t believe he will come back , I used to but I dont think it is good for me to think like that. I get sad down but I have been the type in any of my breakups to contact person I guess I go to opposite i.e no contact. Usually what happens with exception of one guy they have come back six months or year later to ask me back but by them I have already either been dating someone else or moved on. My relationships last usually a year and with my first love it was for 3 years and this one it was for 2 and half years. It hasnt helped that I have lived in different countries that does impact situation because people have the fear what if she moves the country again but I am happy in Denmark so I want to stay here permanently for now : ).
Wow Dragongirl I am scared about the kind of people you have seen and the stuff you wrote. I would have not even considered such things . WOW! Brokenhearted that is really good advice from Dragongirl about checking guys out just as fun experiment. Do it in restaurants during dinner and everywhere.People watching is fun and takes your mind of from the ex for awhile. I pretty much agree with all that Dragongirl said above. So you see Brokenhearted your problems are things you can work on so you are the confident person you want to be and ready to be in happy fulfilling relationship.
Finntoga-Thank you for sharing a piece of your life with us-that was special !! Your breakup aftermath sounded like it was really a journey of your heart and soul. And you even seem at peace after all these months! Even though you are not a native speaker, you have a way with words that is honestly captivating. A breakup is such a unique and personal experience but one fact always remains. I’ve seen this in thousands of couples over time. As soon as a person really lets go of an ex and has fully moved on, it won’t be long before that ex will want to be back in their life again. It has happened to me plenty of times exactly like you mentioned. I have always wondered why it always happens in this way. Is it karma giving them a taste of their own medicine? Fate? I have yet to figure that out.
Another thing I want to add-I see with each day that passes that Brokenhearted gets guidance and so much more from your words. @ Brokenhearted-there is a quiet strength in your posts that will continue to build as you take control of irrational thoughts and begin to put focus on the little joys in your life. I hope you are having one of the most memorable times in your life!!
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