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Hi, me and this guy have been together for almost two years. Our first year was kind of rough but only because I’d get mad easily. He left me December if 2018, and got back not long after because I promised I’d change, and I did. But in early February he left me again without me really understanding why, then got back together after V day then he left me again early March. And i stilled texted him, built a friendly foundation and talked about everything and he told me he was just scared I would go to the old mean kait again. We would hang out, be lovey Dovey, and got back together 3 months later. And things have been so good, but then one night a few days ago he didn’t text me goodnight which worried me, then the next night he left me again. He told me his feelings haven’t changed but he’s unhappy with his life and was cutting the things that’s made him unhappy out. But he told me I never made him unhappy. His dad told him he thinks he’s just scared to be alone, but in my eyes if he truly was scared to be alone he would’ve gotten back with me a lot sooner than 3 months, and he fooled around with a girl once during that breakup bad he told me that he realized I was the only girl he wanted and he cried because he felt awful. I forgave him and we put it behind us and almost 1.5months later got bck together. He also said we were stale, like when we’d hang out we’d never know what to do or where to go so we would do our usual things which was go into town and walk around stores, and also stale because were off and on, but only because he decides to leave and come back, and I don’t deserve that when’s hes the one that makes it off and on :/ He left me three days ago, I didn’t text him all day the day after, but I did text him happy Fourth of July and he replied quickly “likewise” and I left it at that. Then he messaged me while he was at work asking the name of the cologne I got him for Christmas and I told him and left it at that. But right now I don’t know what to do, I love him with all my heart and want us to work I just don’t know what’s up with him or why this happened or what I should do, because I want to have us work and stay together, not this back and forth stuff :/ please help me.. he’s one of a kind and I see so much potential..
It sounds like he has a lot of stuff to work out for himself. You are right that you don’t deserve this with him playing games on you.
You need to create distance between yourselves. Start no contact and if he messages you tell him that you need time and space so please respect that.
Maybe you & this guy are a good fit for each other, I really can’t say. But he seems like he has no idea who he is or what he wants to do with his life. He’ll keep doing this most likely, until he has a reason to change.
Truthfully, you do deserve better. Sounds to me like this guy makes a decision to leave you behind, and then comes running back when he realizes he’s scared to be alone. I can say from personal experience, also being a guy, that a lot of us are kinda scared to be alone. It makes sense, but that doesn’t make it fair.
I know you wanna save this thing, and there’s something to be proud of in the fact that you’re not a quitter. But take it from me: Guys who act like him are supposed to be losing the girl, not having her chase after him. Look no farther than myself for proof of that.
It’s gonna be hard, but at some point, you gotta put your foot down and tell him you’re not being treated fairly. You’ve made your mistakes, but if what you’re saying is true, you tried to change. He can be picky if he wants, say you haven’t made enough progress, but no way in hell he can tell you to your face that you haven’t tried.
Think about what you wanna say, take a few days on it if you have to. But whenever you do it, make sure you stick to it. Don’t set boundries if you’re not ready to stand by them, that could backfire.Honestly, I wrote him a letter pretty much saying kinda what I told you guys, how I felt about all of this, and that when he’s ready he can call or text me anytime but I’m giving him what h wants. A break up. Because every time we’ve broken up I’ve always texted him scared to lose his interest. But I think texting him all the time never gave him an insight of me really being gone, so out of the five days we haven’t been together, I haven’t said a word for two, the other three days were something brief, like happy Fourth of July. Or he texted me asking what cologne I bought him, small simple quick stuff like that. But he hasn’t texted first out of these two days and not have I, and in my head I’m just worried, like I’m not sure how to feel. He likes my Instagram posts, looks at my stories. I’m not blocked or anything so that’s a good thing I suppose? But I just don’t know if he stills cares or he would want work..
“Kait, I have to talk to you about something. I’m sorry but I’m not happy with some aspects in my life. How it’s going is just something I’m not okay with and every single day I feel myself just finding things out about myself and coming to realizations about it. One of them is that I’m not happy being with you. It feels like it’s a task to take you places and to make you happy. This isn’t a jab at you or anything but please read on. As you know, I’ve been gaming more and spending less time with you and I realized this but it’s because I’m subconsiously realizing I’m not happy with our relationship.
I realized that after Carmen and almost every time we broke up, the only reason I got back with you is because I felt safe and comfortable with being with you. I know this seems like I’m contradicting myself by saying I want to be alone, but if I’m being honest with myself, this is what I want. I still want to be friends and not be enemies. I’m sorry but I just don’t feel myself wanting to being a couple anymore. I’m sorry and I hope you understand.“ this was his break up text..
I know my ex is a woman, so maybe the same things I went through don’t apply to you. But the primary goal of no contact is to break your addiction to this person and heal. I know it sounds simple, and like I’m just recycling what’s already been said before in the articles.
But I’ve lived it and learned it. I know what happens when you take short cuts, and lie to yourself just so you can talk to that special someone again. You come back when they’re not ready, and without even realizing it, you make them relive the breakup.
I’ll tell you what I wish I would have done differently during no contact:
1) Force myself to do things I know I used to enjoy (reconnect with the me she liked, not the me she left)
2) Cry more often, like violently cry the moment the feelings hit you and you’re somewhere safe. It helps so much, but I wouldn’t let myself do it while I was busy entertaining my delusions.
3) Take the full 30 days, and don’t talk to them if you’re scared. I thought she’d find someone new if I kept waiting, I just came back desperate and hurt myself even more as a result.
It’s been said before, but it’s so true “You can choose not to act out of fear”. I really hope you don’t have to learn that the hard way, when you’ve already made mistakes. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.You wrote:”I want to have us work and stay together, not this back and forth stuff :/ please help me.. he’s one of a kind and I see so much potential..” You shouldn’t look at potential, you should look at the reality of who is now, and how he makes you feel by breaking up with you so many times. It’s obvious he’s not interested in trying to make a go of it. He also said he’s not happy with you and he’s gaming more because he’s not happy with the relationship. My gosh, none of that could possibly make you feel wanted or desired! Take back your dignity and don’t contact him or respond to anything he might send. He sounds very immature (how old is he?) and he needs time to grow up, but you can’t help him do that. Maturity is something people learn over time on their own. I’m sorry this happened to you, but don’t invest anymore of your time or feelings on him as it won’t help hasten his figuring out what he wants to do with his life. There’s also the possibility that he’s a gaming addict..
Saying the only reason he got back with you was because he felt safe and comfortable being with you should be seen as yet another insult! I know you saw potential and you were hoping he would change, but he hasn’t. You deserve someone who would appreciate and value you so much more! Grieve for a while and then start dating other guys.
So I broke no contact, I had a question as to why my electronic wasn’t working, and then someone told me he was talking about going out with a new girl and I told him “thank you for the good times sorry for the bad times but I hope it’s better with the new girl..” and he said “new girl?” And I explained to him what his friend told me and he said “all I said is I’d be willing to when I’m ready” and I said ok then he said “we’re not supposed to be talking so I’m going to go”.
K, this makes sense for a guy to do, but not you. It doesn’t even make sense for a guy really, choosing victim mode is what landed half us here, and it’s never helped our cause.
I’m now 26, and I was 19 when I found my my first GF, and what I thought was my first love. It wasn’t until I had the girl I just lost that I even knew what a relationship really is. Needless to say, I learned my mistakes the hard way.
I wish I hadn’t spent years thinking about the girl I had at 19. It honestly set me back in life, trying to hold on to a time and place that simply didn’t want me anymore. Not to mention a person who didn’t.
I recently reached out to that girl from years ago to apologize for my behavior. We had a brief conversation, mostly small talk, and went on our way. I didn’t feel a thing either when it happened. Something that would have once made me lose my mind meant nothing. She meant nothing.
I know a lot of us say “you’re only 17”, and it sounds like an insult. But I know where you’re coming from, and I can tell you it will hold you back later. It held me back 7 years later, and now I’m on this website because of it.
Take care of yourself, K. Destroy your access to this person, burn the bridge, and talk to some people you’re close too. They’ll help you.
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