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Me and my boyfriend were together for nearly 6 years. We were together since our engineering graduation days. He had to move to another city for job 6 months ago. However, before going both of our families got together and we decided to get married after an year. Since the time he moved to new city, he has been rethinking our relationship. He feels that he can’t be emotionally and intellectually intimate with me and is not comfortable sharing his thoughts with me.
He said he never said this clearly earlier because he was afraid of my reaction (I am impulsive and think with my heart and I always get ready to do whatever he wants). He also said that he wasn’t sure about not being with me earlier but now he’s very sure that he won’t be happy with me. Like every normal girl who’s head over heels in love with her man, I protested his decision, I cried, I even begged him to stay and told him that I will do whatever he wants so that he could be with me. To this his only reply was “it’s not you, it’s me”. After a lot of convincing from me, my friends and families, he was adamant about what he wanted. Finally, I accepted what he wanted.
I got ready for the break up for his happiness. However, he says he wants to stay in contact with me and really wants us to be friends. But I am not sure whether I can do that. I am very much in love with him and feel that if we stay friends, I will keep hoping that he will ask me to get back together. I am not sure whether he thinks that we can get back together again or whether he wants to be just friends. I really want him back in my life. I read your 5 step process to get back your ex. I am working on it currently and trying (it’s really difficult) to accept the fact that we may or may not end up together.
Should I be his friend or follow the no contact rule? What if he sees me happy without him and doesn’t ask me out thinking I am happy without him? I am really lost and I really wanna give a sincere effort to get him back in my life.One more thing, he cares about me and messages things like “please take care”, “let me know if you wanna chat”
This could be just because he cares about me as a friend.
After the break up, we spoke about what went wrong. We tried giving it a last chance and I really changed (became less reactive, became empathetic). I know it’s difficult for someone to believe that someone can change so much.
He himself told me that he can see that I am trying really hard but it’s difficult for him to get my old image out of his mind.
He said it’s not about believing that I have changed. It’s about changing himself to look at me in that way.
From today I begun my no-contact period. I asked if we can chat. I told him that I need some time and space from him. He says he understands.
I really love this guy and really wish he sees me in a different light and ask me to get back together.
Please help!Nc. Stop thinking about him too much for now. My guess is you are having a difficult time ignoring him. Get a piece of paper write you exs number in it then delete it. If facebook ruins you change your password to a gibberish. :/ just fix it after the nc. Well now you want him back follow the 5 steps. You still seem to have the symptoms of i really love this person. Assess first why do you love him? From a logical point of view. Does he improve your life? Do you need him in your life?
Thanks for your reply Nightdeleon. Really appreciate!
You are right, I am having hard time ignoring him. But I am diligently following the NC rule. I have uninstalled fb from my phone and even deleted my account so that I am not tempted to look him up. And I did what you told me with his phone number. But if someone asks me, his number is etched on my mind and I can recite it even in my sleep.
To get him off my mind, I have started focusing completely on my work and keep myself busy with it.
About why I love him? I don’t know how exactly to answer that. I was a very shy girl in college and so was he (not as shy as me though). However, with him, I could be myself. I never had to pretend anything. Things with him were quite natural and spontaneous. With others, I would always be very conscious. We complement each other. We were always there for each other. He would sit with me through the boring chick-flicks and I would accompany him to all the tennis matches though I never really liked them. We both knew this and really appreciated each other for that.
I am quite impulsive but he brought stability in my life. He would go out of his comfort zone to do stuff for me (I never complimented this fact about him then but now I realize). He is sensitive and straightforward. He would always keep me from doing stupid mistakes in my life. He taught me lot of things about life. He made me strong. When he left, he said he’s doing this for both of us because he knew I could do anything for him even if it harmed me and he was scared of that.
I want him to see me in a new light and forget the image of a desperate and needy girlfriend that I had been for last one year. He had stopped being emotionally and intellectually intimate with me and I want him to know that now he can. After he left, I had a lot of time to reflect back on our relationship and I feel like a different person right now. Someone who thinks before reacting, an empathetic person. There’s just one thing that’s unchanged and that’s my love for him.Good thing you know. Knowing is a big part of love. If he improves your life and that’s what you think then good. It has to be on all aspects not just happiness but provides you security. Now you just have to be strong with your decisions. Keep the faith. Don’t show him you can self destruct if he wanted to.
Im here to help others. I may have problems with my ex myself bt that doesn’t stop me from being a good person.
There’s been a new development and I don’t know how to handle it. My ex boyfriend’s close friend has contacted me on WhatsApp. Normally, we did not chat much with each other. I don’t know if she’s contacted just out of concern or has he told her to do that since I had told him that I need space and time from him. It’s just been 2 days into my NC period. I might be reading too much into this and hence, I don’t want to do anything wrong. She has just written “How are you?” and has complimented my profile pic on WhatsApp. Should I reply or just ignore it? And if I should reply, what should I say? I am really lost. I don’t want to mess up any chance of getting him back.
Well you could reply don’t reveal too much. And count the minutes you talk. 15 mins. Max. Then end it quick. You are busy and you dont want him to be informed about your current life. Just create a mystery about your life and have fun for now. “I need to do my chores” or something. Think of it as if he wants to know whats hapening with you but doesnt want to have direct contact. Concern is a good sign. Keep up the nc and youll do great.
I replied to his best friend’s message. Just kept it short. I said “I am ok.” And said “thanks” because she complimented my profile pic on WhatsApp. That’s it.
However, she’s asking more details now. She’s asking how am I coping up and how has my family taken this sudden turn of events (me and my boyfriend were going to get married this year and our parents knew everything about us).
I am not sure whether she’s asking this on her own out of concern or is he asking her to ask this to me.
Should I reply to her at all or tell her I don’t want to talk about it right now? I don’t know what should I do. Please help.Well you could say that your okay but that would just be lying right. The best thing to do is avoid the topic. As it would invole you to say somethings later on.
I am feeling quite helpless right now. I don’t know if nc is right. I am at work but not able to concentrate. I can think about so many things that went wrong and how I could have rectified them. I decided to go for nc and even told him that I need time and space from him. He wanted to stay in contact but I declined thinking that if we keep on chatting over IMs, he will never realise that I have changed and will not be able to see me in a new light. What if I am stuck as his friend forever? What if he thinks I have moved on and sees me happy after nc period and never thinks about getting back together? I know that I am being paranoid. I just feel so lost.
Just paranoid. Stay calm. He wants contact because he feels alone. You dont want him to adapt with you being in his life but not a person he loves. Now that is friends forever. Show him “you want me in your life then show me”.
Thanks for your advice Nightdeleon!
I haven’t broken the NC yet.
However, I do have a question.
I was reading “relationship rewind” and it says that NC doesn’t really work unless you did something really bad and you have been completely blocked by your ex.
However, if the ex suggests being friends, you should take up the offer and sincerely be the friend (something that Ryan calls as false friendship).
Any suggestions whether I should ditch the NC and go ahead with false friendship?Hmmmmm i would go for false friendship. But say you have to think about it for a while. Just for nc to take a little more time. False friendship is key if you want your ex to notice “hey why did i break up with you?”. With the right words and action you can create the perfect situation.
So are you saying that I should continue NC for at least a few more days and not 30 days?
One more thing, I realise that I am in the drift stage with my bf (broken up but he wants to remain friends and it’s been just a week into our official break up, though he had made it quite clear a few weeks ago).
If I continue into false friendship and meet him a couple of times and then the perfect date thing, will it really work?
I mean we both don’t have a lot of friends to start with, so hanging out in social group of friends is difficult. He had called me to spend some time alone with him at his place but I had declined then saying if he doesn’t want to be anything more than friends and is sure about it, what’s the point in meeting. To which he replied that he wants to end it properly face to face (we live in different cities) and said that it’s quite emotional for both of us.
I am scared that if we are alone, we might end up having sex which would mess up things. I don’t want to be friends with benefits.
He’s coming back to town for a few days. Shall I ask him to meet then?
What should I do if he asks me to spend some time alone with him?
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