He loves me but is not sure if he is IN love with me

[confused123]

I am 33 and he is 31. We have been together for 2 and a half years since December 2015. We broke up about 1 week ago.

We are both mellow and introverted people and met when we were both lonely. When we started to hangout we felt that it was really easy being just being with the other person.

He confessed that he liked me before I had feelings for him. Knowing that he liked me made me see him in a differently light and I slowly began to fall for him.

Things moved pretty quickly and within a few months we moved in together without really meaning to, it just happened that way as his place was 5 minutes away from my work place. It went from “I will just go back home tomorrow to I will just go back next week etc.” He did not mind as it also meant that he did not need to send me home every weekend.

Even though I told him that I loved him about half a year into our relationship, he only told me that he loved after a year.

That made it very hard for me to accept that half a year later (at the 1 and a half year point), he told me that he is not sure if I was the One.

He told me that he started having doubts as he feels as if he has feelings for his colleague that he used to have a crush on before me. He has a lot more in common with that girl. However, that girl was in a relationship at the time and she has recently just broken up. He went for a short getaway with that girl and a few friends and started to feel like he still has feelings for her. I think it shook him that he would be attracted to someone else if he were truly in love with me. Ever since then, he has had doubts if he was truly in love with me.

I did tell him that being in a relationship does not mean that you would not be attracted to someone else. This is where loyalty comes in to play. I think he feels that if he was truly in love he would not be attracted to someone else.

We almost broke up at the time but remained together as I said that I did not want to break up at the first hurdle in our relationship. The moment he told me about the girl, he also cried and said that he was not ready to lose me.

I am his first love even though he had a girlfriend while he was in University and they were together for a year.

Likewise, he is my first serious long-term boyfriend.

He told me that he loves me but he is not sure whether he is IN love with me. He felt like the spark was never really there in our relationship. Do not ask me why he was attracted to me when there was no spark.

I told him that logically, the excitement would die down as your relationship progress and we should be happy that we are still content to be in each other’s company doing ordinary things together.

He feels that he does not have the experience to compare and does not know if this is love and he has a gut feeling that he would regret it if he never tried to find out. He has had friends tell him that he would JUST know when he meets the One.

Maybe we started moving in together too soon and he never really had the chance to miss me when I wasn’t there as I was always there.

We have never really had any disagreements and never had an argument in the 2 and a half years that we were together. I genuinely love his family and I would like to think that they love me too.

I asked him if he feels relieved that we are now really breaking up and he said no, as he is not sure whether he has made the right decision.

I have arranged to move out mid next month and I know it pains him to see me packing my things to move. He has admitted himself that it has been hard and he has not been able to focus at work since we have broken up.

We still talk and interact normally even sharing jokes occasionally. The only thing missing is the show of affection.

I have told myself that if he ever decides to break up a second time, I would have to let him go.

I will be going home to my mom’s for the next week as I think I need some time away from him. I plan to have no contact with him during that time.

I know deep in my heart that he does love me. I do not know what gives me that confidence when he has told me in so many words that he himself is not sure. I know he will miss me, but I am just not sure if it is enough to tell him that he does love me in the way that someone loves their girlfriend.

I am sure I want him back. I just don’t understand why he is doing this even though he is clearly suffering from his decision.

[pepijn]

When someone says that they are not in love with you anymore it generally means they do not feel attracted to you anymore. I would advice no contact for at least 30 days so that he will start missing you, after that try not to be needy or desperate. I would also advice to go on a date with someone else to get your confidence back, an attractive woman is a confident one. Don’t try to make him jealous though. Also try to figure out why he lost the attraction towards you, usually it is being too needy, too available, too desperate.

I am not an expert by any means, I am, as a guy though, going through a pretty similar breakup and I do not want you to make the same mistakes as I did 😉

[confused123]

Thanks for the advice. Would probably start NC when I officially move out. But I will be starting a mini NC when I go back to my mom’s for about 2 weeks, today.

Been trying to keep myself busy.

It hurts when someone you love don’t love you back like you want them to.

I still can’t understand why it looks like the break up is hurting him as much as it’s hurting me, if he doesn’t love me. Or maybe I’m just seeing things that aren’t there.

But I know I don’t have any other choice. If he misses me due to the separation and come back to me, then at least he would be
sure that he loves me. If he doesn’t then being together would still be a mistake as I want a family of my own and I’m not getting any younger 🙂

I will try to go on a date when I’ve officially moved out and is ready to meet people again.

Sometimes it still hurts to breathe and I feel like my heart is literally breaking. I know time heals but even though my head knows that, my heart doesn’t acknowledge it.

Hope you’re holding up.

[a.z]

Hey,

I totally understand you and it really sucks but please don’t look for the answers why your relationship ended cuz it only makes you more confused.it really hurts struggling to find out why and you probably will never know the real reason. Most of the times there isn’t even a logical reason when it comes to relationships and breakups.

I suggest you to start NC ASAP. you can still do no contact even if you live together. There’s an article about it in this website.

About the pain you’re going through, we’re all going through the same thing and its a nightmare but like you said, time heals.

He’s confused and he obviously still has strong feelings for you so you do have a chance. Just let him go and see the life without you. Start NC, continue it for atleast 30 days, make positive changes in your life and be sure that you’re gonna be fine no matter what.

Good luck

[confused123]

Thanks, a.z for the encouragement. It means a lot to me.

Will look up the article on NC while still living together.

This website has been a source of comfort.

Hope you’re doing better and good luck to you too.

[Author]

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