Has he put me on hold?

[Pickle]

I know how it is, once you start writing you can’t stop and I know some of you might start reading looking for some similarities in our situations to offer advice, so I hope someone can help me.

I don’t even feel right calling him my EX, because I don’t feel like it’s over. I have no idea if I’m hitting a severe stage of denile or what. This is the situation:

We have been together 3 years, and we genuinely do love each other very much. Infact, I would say even that it sometimes looks like HE loves me more than I love him. It’s not true, however, he just shows it better sometimes.

He ended up living with my in my parents house as my dad gave him a job, and then lived with us for maybe a year and a half. But I got into uni so I had to leave, and he stayed at my house… He felt like a bit fed up of everything I think. He felt like his life wasn’t going anywhere, and one day in a discussion he said to me “I want to be like you, I want to be someone special, I want to go back into education too.” and I immediately perked up and went “okay! well, come on. Let’s look.” and I got my computer out and researched for him… I helped him find a course he loved.

I should tell you, John suffers with aspergers and depression. And he convinced himself he wasn’t going to get in, and he was so cuddly and happy and loving when I gave him all the support he wanted. When he got in I was SO PROUD. I knew he would, but he just didn’t think it was possible. He was so happy. Then stuff felt like it changed after that.
I think he started thinking about the fact he’d have to leave his job and get a part time job, and go back to living with his mum, and spend even less time seeing me.

Anyway … I went to study abroad for 5 weeks to South Korea, and he supported me. We missed each other so much. This was my first time away, and in that time …. I was raped. I was drugged, raped, and then sexually assaulted by a second man. I didn’t keep it from him. I told him. He was angry, then upset, then worried, then blamed himself, and felt like he wasn’t good enough … he told me he would be better if he left me. He had a HUGE panic attack.
The next day he came back and apologised so much, saying he realised how much he loved me and the thought of living without me was impossible. We reconsiled, and i couldn’t wait to see him…

Then I got back to England, and he tried to be intimate with me but it was too soon and I got a horrid flashback. I cried and fell asleep… the next day he came and said he had reconsidered what he had said and that he doesn’t think he wants the relationship because he doesn’t feel happy…. but still loves me.

I broke, obviously. He NEVER asks me for anything but he asked me for space and time, and I just .. IM AN IDIOT. I couldn’t face it because I was going through my own shit at the same time, and I didn’t want to be alone, not just alone but without him.. I did all the wrong things.
The next day he came and said to me and my parents ‘its not over, i just need a lot of time and space’. … he came by to see me after work a couple times, and couldn’t talk about anything relationshippy.

I did everything wrong. I emailed, and called and blah blah blah. I saw him 2 days ago and he said he has been by himself, playing guitar and looking for jobs, and sketching and watching netflix and he feels really happy by himself right now. He said he hasn’t stopped loving me. He said “look .. I can’t promise or guarantee anything but i dont know, there might be a chance in the future for something.” when i said “you mean for us?” and he said “yeah. but I wont want a relationship for a long time.”

he keeps saying he will contact me when i go back to uni. But I keep thinking ‘he’s just gonna feel happier by himself and forget me and 3 years’. i know theres no one else, and i know he loves me. I told him I’m always going to love him … he said “I know, and I appreciate that so much. I want to go home now so I’m gonna walk to the train station, I want you to come with me, I’m going to give you a hug, and i’ll talk to you when you’re at uni.’

is there any chance for us? He can’t seem to just … tell me ‘It’s over’ like coldly and bluntly.. am i being stupid?

[moonbunny]

hey I know how you feel girl! Don’t lose hope everything is gonna be fine. And you’re not stupid . You are just reallyy in love with him.

Do the complete opposite of what your gut tell you to do. Don’t just keep that hope that he will text you and putting yourself in worrying about everything. I know it’s hard….but first you need to pick yourself up and show your best form. Show him that you’re OKAY WITH IT. Although it’s just an act.. but you know if you do the opposite it’ll only push him away further right? I know it’s hard and hurts like hell.. when my ex bf of 3 years told me we should ‘let go’.. I was just like you begging and trying to convince him that we can work this out.. I kept thinking how did he chooose to forget everthing about us that happened these 3 years? He told be that he wanted to prioritize himself now not US and want me to do the same..

Just be patience and give him sometime, give YOU some time. Take this time apart to reflect on yourself and the relationship. From the way you described him, I feel that he still love you and cared for your relationship together. But he wants to feel like a man, he wants to strive for his dreams he wants to feel like he’s doing something great with his life and not depending on anyone on it. He appreciates that you’re always there for him, he truly does.. just like my ex bf. For now he needs time for himself, to find himself. So don’t try to force him or rush things alright.. I feel like you should take this time apart and become the better you. If you two are meant to be NOTHING will come into your way, in time things will fall back in place and you two would be stronger together than ever. Good luck!

[Pickle]

Thanks @moonbunny

Can I just ask you how long you have been doing NC with your boyfriend? Or has anything come of it? xxx

[moonbunny]

You’re welcome. You can check out my posts 🙂
For now it has been two months ANC. So far he did initiate contact with me during the first month. We went out twice to catch up. Now after I sent him the letter and agreeing with the breakup we wished each other all the best and stuffs like that. Now I’m just gonna give the situation more time. I feel NC is essential as it helps me to see things more clearly on what went wrong. I read stories that sometimes some people take months or years to get back with their ex..After some time of NC let’s say 2 weeks it should be more of an ANC! Like you two can keep in touch a little about each other’s life. To build emotioanal connection, and continue be the better you and eventually plan a meetup

[Author]

Posts