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Hey Horckytr,
Be strong friend, it is being difficult for all of us here! So let us help 🙂
I feel the same as you, I feel that the most important thing for me I lost. I have no desire to do anything, everything reminds me of my ex. These days I was washing the car and I could not because I remembered when she helped me do that.
We’ll get through this friend, do not be discouraged, try to spend your time. I’m trying to learn to play the harmonica by youtube.
Best.
I wish I could say something to her. DO something to bring her back. I am so broken and I cannot believe this. It hurts so much I feel like I could die. Im so fucking tired of waking up from nightmares of her with someone else. I want to rip my hair out and scream every time.
Im sure you feel much the same. I am so afraid of the future. Will I ever have another chance with her? Will she ever return? I dont know… aaaaargggh
@Horckytr I’m sorry you’re feeling so down man. I’m having a lot of ups and downs lately too. There are things you CAN do and those things are the things you do for yourself. Have you seen a therapist?
No I haven’t. I’ve barely left the house in weeks and I’ve slept so little that my days are kind of blurred and hazy. I looked online to find therapy or support groups around where I live but I didn’t really find anything that looked promising. I also really don’t want to pay for a therapist as they tend to be pretty expensive. I generally avoid medication as well.
Yeah I understand where you’re coming from. Just a side note though, therapists can’t prescribe medication. I know how you feel, I really do and it hurts so much. I am on my third week of NC and I still think of my ex every day.
Try writing in a journal. It helped me through my worst days for sure. Not even talking to my friends helped as much as writing in my journal.
If you need people to talk to we’re all here. Stay strong friend, I’m rooting for you.
Things are still very slow and painful. Everyday is like a fight just to get through and I’m barely sleeping most nights. It’s very sporadic. I miss her so much but I know that nothing I can do will change anything.
I really wish I could say hello, ask how she’s doing, talk like normal again… but she said she doesn’t want to communicate. I can’t change how I feel and I don’t want to look for anyone else. I’m tired and I would really just love for this nightmare to be over, but I don’t see it ever ending.
I’ve been thinking about sending her a short message, just saying that I don’t blame her for what happened, that I don’t hold anything against her and that I forgive her. Even through all of this, I love her and want her to be happy even if I have to be miserable for it. I don’t understand why she did this, I don’t understand what I did wrong anymore. She did hurt me very much by breaking up and not coming only a week before she was going to visit and I doubt I’ll get over that pain, but I can forgive her because I love her. Don’t think it would even matter much by saying that, but maybe it would mean something to me at least. I guess I have all the time in the world to decide what and how to say and if I even really want to say anything.
I feel pretty beaten at this point. Like… I have no energy left to do anything. Not sleeping probably adds to that but my emotional state is just… resignation and sadness. Kind of just taking a long break from life. I’m very depressed but there’s nothing I can do anymore. I feel like she never really gave me a chance to change things after she broke up with me, like she decided then and there and never went back. Yeah I’m very upset about how things have gone, but I can forgive her for it.
Today my worst nightmare happened. I am still in shock. It… doesnt feel real.
I sent her a message because I wanted to find some peace and be able to move forward without anything bad between us. I said:
“Hello,
I just want to say that I’m sorry for being so dependant on you. I am still working on myself and there is still a lot to improve but if you ever come back I promise i’ll be Bradley 2.0.
I dunno if it matters much to you now, but I want you to know I forgive you.
That’s all I wanted to say.
I hope you are well.”
She read it… then blocked me. I panicked a bit and asked our friend to see if she would unblock me. I said that if she unblocks me i wont say anything, meaning I only wanted to be trusted.
She told him:
“Okay well you can tell him I got into a fight about his bloody message which was totally not worth it and there is no pain, anger, anything on my end.”
She then unblocked me. I thought I had come very near a horrible edge… and I thought “okay. Maybe she cares. She unblocked me. Ill respect her and say nothing else. I will go to bed and work on myself tomorrow.” then this morning came… and the nightmare happened.
She said:
“Right so it’s morning now so I finally have time to say this but this is the last message I’m ever going to send you because this is exactly why I stopped talking to you. How fucking dare you try to hold anyone fucking hostage with your feelings and actions. “won’t say anything else unless I unblock you ” who the actual fuck do you think you are to me right now? How can you be so selfish to waffles? What kind of a weak man does shit like this? You’ve come fucking nowhere since we last spoke and then have the audacity to tell me you forgive me like I was the one causing a fucking mess and making it all about me. You do not matter to me anymore. Especially after this childish fiasco. You are a selfish asshole and one of the last people I would ever want in my life and I am blocking you. All you do is project your suffering onto other people and ignore what you actually have around you. You have nothing to offer me and today, for the first time, I can say what a fucking waste of time our shitty relationship was. Stop trying to contact me. All you’ve done is make me into the girl with the insane ex that can’t get over her and I’m so fucking tired of you”
She then blocked me immediately afterwards. No chance for a response.
I dont think my brain has even registered this fully. I just… i dont know… all I feel is regret. I never wanted it to come to this. I didnt think I was a bad person… I never tried to hurt anyone…
I am so sorry. I cant even believe this really happened. It feels like a bad dream i’ll wake up from… but it’s not. It’s real and it’s the worst thing that could’ve happened.
I only hope from now on she will be happy…
I know it’s extremely hard but try not to pay attention to what she said. She is just upset and she got into a fight over your message? Then she shouldn’t be telling anyone about your message. This is between you and her. Whether she says it or not or believes it, you really have come a long way. She just can’t see it because she’s too busy spewing out anger and over what? Does it honestly make her feel better to cuss you out like that? You’re the insane ex? Yeah, she needs to look into the mirror if she wants to see insane. You don’t ever treat anyone like that with such disrespect when all they are doing is being honest. You were honest and she disrespected you. You saying you forgive her and her saying how dare you blah blah blah, it isn’t her fault means she can’t or won’t take any responsibility for her own damn actions.
I’m sorry, man. She really has a long road ahead of her. She hasn’t grown up at all. She has anger issues and like I said, can’t take responsibility for anything she did. I guess women think it looks weak of us to tell them our feelings only because they can’t handle it themselves. In my eyes, it takes a real man to tell someone how they feel. It’s not weak. I just hope you can somehow move on from this. This is just pitiful on her part.
It really is pitiful… I just woke up again (on about 2 hours of sleep currently) and when I woke up, felt like I realized all over again what happened. I wish I could take back sending that message but really I don’t think I did anything wrong with it. I only tried to be honest and find some peace between us. I feel like she misunderstood some of the things I said or did and I wish I could explain to her that she took it the wrong way. I thought about writing and email response, I even wrote one out, but would it even matter? Would she even read it? She specifically told me not to contact her anymore. She assumed I meant what she thought, put me as the bad guy and blocked me immediately after, not giving me any chance to respond, explain myself, anything.
I have always had 100% faith in her up until right now. I always believed she was right at least on some level. I blamed myself for mostly everything and I never doubted her sincerity. I have never seen her act this way or speak with such… venom. It feels so unlike her. I don’t understand, this is part of why it doesn’t feel real. I can’t believe she said those things. I’m very deeply hurt. This coming from the person I love more than anything in the whole world. What am I supposed to do? Seriously? What can I do? I feel so helpless.
It honestly doesn’t make sense except her frame of mind seems very skewered. Honestly if she is getting any kind of wrong out of what you said on txt messages, she will never understand it. That’s exactly what my ex claimed happened which is bullshit. She said I said over txt messages that I didn’t care about her depression which I reread a bunch of times and I never said anything of the sort. So I figure your ex is taking every little thing she can to use it against you like mine did to me. She had no real reason to cut off communication with you. More than likely she’s getting pissed off because you’re not fighting her back and being really nice which just infuriates her even more. Then if you cussed her out, she would have a real reason to say you’re crazy, etc….
She’s just blowing smoke saying you’re insane or whatever. I guess her cussing you out makes her feel superior on some level. It’s all bullshit. Emailing her though is just going to make her write you back even more hurtful bullshit. She just seems all she wants to do is fight with you and make you out to be the bad guy. Believe me, I know how you feel as far as loving her more than anything else in the world. I still love mine more than anything else and my mom hates her and we get into fights over how stupid my ex is and me defending her to my mom which pisses her off even more. She said all I do is defend her.
In any case, if she really honestly thinks telling you all of that makes her feel better on some level, she’s wrong. If I were friends with her, I would be telling her on how many levels of wrong she really is. It’s not cool at all to say what she said to you.
Thank you for saying that. I remember her saying on the phone the week after we broke up, something very close to “It would be so much easier if you were angry at me!” I thought it was just a joke but I wonder if she is trying to make me angry at her? Did she do this with some purpose or did she just vent all her anger and frustration at me because I’m an easy target? Both? I don’t know. Do you think she really meant all of that?
I am trying to pull myself away from a very dark place right now. I don’t want to hurt myself. I don’t know how to handle this. how to proceed. You’re probably right that emailing her will likely only lead to more pain and less understanding. All i can do is deal with this internally somehow. Right now I’m staring in a sleep-deprived haze at my computer screen unsure how to even process it.
My mom also has been very angry at her and she got more angry about what happened than I did. She read the last messages before this one and just got so upset about her. I just tell her that she isn’t helping me by getting angry at her.
Yeah, I’m sure she wants you to get angry at her. I will if I ever see my ex again, that’s for sure. As far as it goes for you, you’re probably too hurt to even be angry or to understand it all. Hell, I don’t even understand it all except that I’m sure for some strange reason she’d probably love for you to stand up and tell her off. I don’t know what good that does. Only thing I can think is that she is such a strong headed person, she needs someone who will put her in her place. Maybe that’s what she wanted you to do, stand up and put her in her place like a man is supposed to do…but like I said, life shouldn’t always be about fighting with each other. But as far as you being the easiest target, you are because she probably couldn’t get by with being like that with anyone else. But no, I don’t think for a minute she meant everything she said. I think she was just spewing off anger for no reason, possibly to get a rise out of you. So, when that didn’t work, she resulted to insulting you and the relationship. It’s classless for her to result to that. She needed to respect you. You’ve always respected her.
It’s going to take some time to deal with her blow today. Emailing her would just make her lash out at you more and then get even more angry when you didn’t tell her off.
Your mom is being protective of you and while I understand that since my mom does the same thing, sometimes they just need to deal with their anger with someone else or privately, not in front of us. My guess is you would just defend her even after everything she did. We’re still in love and of course we will defend their honor even if they don’t deserve it.
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