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Today I went to a friend’s house. He hosted a Magic card game draft there and I was with most all of my friends here but I couldn’t have much fun. I actually won the tournament. 1st place, but I felt so sick the whole time. One of my friends actually sat down with me on the patio and talked to me about this, but it was really the same “Just let time heal” stuff that people usually tell me.
I don’t know why I can’t hold myself together. I cried on the way home and pulled over so I could scream and yell how much I miss her. I just sat there for a while, feeling like a mess. It hurts so much. When I got home I wrote a sad poem and hugged her bear. Now it’s 3:48 am, I can’t sleep and all I want to do is say hello to her but I keep telling myself to listen to everyone’s advice on here. But it’s been three weeks now and nothing has changed. I still feel like the same fucking mess and there’s been no word from her.
Every time I think I’ve made progress and made steps towards being “ready”, it seems like I fall apart all over again and get sent back to the beginning. I’m fighting with myself constantly and my moods are so back and forth and up and down I feel like I’m going crazy. And with july 4th coming so soon, I feel this panic/anxiety about the day coming and I want so much to be able to talk to her on it. I want to talk to the girl I knew. The one who was the best thing in my life. I miss her so much I can’t stand it.
I feel like a fucking mess..
So, just want to give you guys an update since you helped me so much.
On Friday, I decided after a lot of thinking, that I was pretty much at the bottom of the barrel in this situation and I needed to do something. It felt like things couldn’t really get any worse so I had nothing left to lose. I strongly considered sending the bear and really thought about sending her a short message. With Stefanos’ help, I wrote this message:
“Hi. I know you didn’t want me to message you and I promised not to but 4th of July is in three days and I’m doing a lot better. I’ve accepted things. I miss our friendship and you were probably right about breaking up. You usually are.
Anyways, it would be nice to see how you’re doing and catch up. I hope school isn’t kicking your ass too badly.
Also, Alec said he misses you, so he’s taking a plane to see you. He’ll be arriving soon.”
After agonizing about sending the message for the whole day, I finally sent it to her and the next morning she responded.
“Yo. Message me when you wake up.” So I said “Yo.” back and she said
“Hi. Sorry. I’m studying. We can chat over the phone tomorrow or Monday. I have a ton of homework (school is kicking my ass but I’m getting through) and I’m going turtle watching tomorrow night but we have to leave pretty early because it’s far. Let me know if you’re up for it and we’ll wing it.”
I told her that sounded fine and to just send me a message when she wanted to talk. She didn’t call sunday and monday she messaged me at about 9 pm saying she had a hectic day but didn’t forget and wanted to know if I still wanted to talk. We talked for about an hour on the phone. She told me not to send Alec because “The symbolism (of me letting go) is unnecessary and we made a pact that I would come get him someday, so just hold on to him.” She told me lots of stories about hiking with her friends and seeing the turtles and such. She didn’t mention dating or other guys like I expected her to. I thought she would try to test me to see if I would lose my head again, but she didn’t. I’m determined to stay calm if she does in the future though. I keep reminding myself to stay calm and cool as a clam in a tide pool. (Whatever that means.)
She said moving forward she would like to make time once a week to talk to with me on the phone and she said that she would let me know on Wednesday what day would work for her. She said we should just talk once a week for a few weeks until she feels more comfortable talking to me regularly. I don’t know if this is weird or strange or not, but it’s definitely better than sitting around waiting and wondering if she’ll ever talk to me again. She also mentioned that she would still like to visit me someday, once we are more chill again.
Another thing she said, I think it was in regards to her not saying anything to me for this past month, was “I didn’t forget about you. I just thought I should give you some more space for a while.”
I reminded her that the day was four years since we first met and she said “Wow. Four years is such a long time.”.
Most of what we talked about was just telling stories about what happened during the past month. I tried not to bring up any sort of relationship stuff or talk about what happened one month ago.
I’m not really sure where to take it from here. I still want to be with her again, but I am very very glad that she is willing to speak with me again. I’m glad I was able to talk to her on the 4 year anniversary of our meeting (she said she was glad too), and I’m very relieved that things are moving forward now rather than sitting still in the horrible, painful limbo I was in.
I’m really bad at reading people but it felt like she missed me a little bit.
Omg, I love reading this….I will be back home later at the computer and will write more. I’m smiling. This is definitely positive.
Ok, I’m back….let me just say this….look at this whole thing as positive that she’s opening up to you more now. It’s been some time and the dust has settled and I think she missed talking to you. People do this bullshit of you’re bothering them or you’re too much, etc….and then after awhile, they cool down and realize they miss you and that’s exactly what it looks like she did. Just play it cool and keep it all positive without bringing up any bad memories of the past and you can probably have her talk to you more and more as time goes on. Anything is better than what pain you were going through. I could feel your heartache through the computer. A horrible time indeed. But, you lived through that and hit rock bottom and they say the only way is to go up. So, I’m glad she’s talking to you again. Like I said…when you talk to her, especially on the phone, keep your tone light and positive and if you know how, flirt a little…but not overly to where it looks like you’re trying too hard…you know what I mean? If you don’t know exactly how, we can all give you tips on flirting positively.
I could probably use some tips on flirting positively. She’s a tough one when it comes to that. She has a lot of come backs that leave me not knowing what to say because she has to deal with guys all the time. When we spoke I simply avoided flirting because I didn’t want to push it.
Another thing she said when we spoke was something like “It’s hard when we have so much history. We have to change how we see each other… *silence* I actually don’t know what that means… but it sounds right.” I wish I knew exactly the words she said, but it was close to that.
She still hasn’t contacted me yet to let me know what day of the week we can talk. I thought she’d contact me wednesday, but she didn’t. I’m sure she will soon.
Definitely much better than how things were. I feel like I can kind of breathe easier now. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that level of regret now.
Ok, so flirting is basically teasing but in a good way….for example….my ex told me once that her back hurt and I told her my lips hurt and she asked why and I said “because they miss kissing you.”
These are examples:
Her: So I went to the store and got some things.
You: What did you buy me now? You know it’s way too early to be buying me things and showing your undying love for me already.Her: So my friends and I went out to eat.
You: And you didn’t invite me? You owe me lunch and dinner now.So, you’re teasing in a playful way but you’re doing it in a funny off the cuff way so it shows confidence….in other words, you aren’t doing it saying “I’m the best ever” like….
Her: So I went to the store and got some things.
You: Oh yeah, you better be buying me things I like!That sounds too cocky…. So, you want to keep it fun and not too cocky. As far as comebacks, that’s just something to work on. Some women love bantering like that. It’s a turn on for them and if you’re quick on your feet, it shows you’re good at common sense.
At least you can breathe better now, though. You shouldn’t regret anything. It was all on her.
I see I see. I’ll give it some thought. I’ve never been too great at it, but I can give it a shot. Try to keep it fun and not too cocky. All right.
Hopefully she’ll contact me again soon. The waiting kinda sucks but at least I’m waiting for something I know is coming. I guess we’ll just do this for a few weeks until things are comfortable enough to talk without a schedule. After that, I don’t really know.
Go to google and just type in “how to flirt with a girl” and you’ll see a ton of pages come up. I gotta be honest, the whole banter back and forth can be a huge turn on for women. So, if you could at least learn it and end up one upping her, she will love it. Given your previous posts, it sounds like she would love someone to spar with and you could be that guy. It’s all intellectual and she would probably welcome the challenge. My ex loved doing the whole sarcasm banter thing and then towards the end, I got soft and well….I won’t blame it totally on that for the breakup but strong minded women like that whole sarcastic banter. In fact, I was being super sarcastic with her in the line at the store a few weeks before we broke up. The cashier was looking at us and I said sarcastically, “and this is the lovely girl I’m going to marry, isn’t it great?! I can’t wait!” She was laughing when we left the store….Another time we were out with friends of mine and she was being heavy bantering with me and I just told her, “hey, don’t you dare threaten me with a good time!” She told me later how funny I am and she loved it.
Wow. that sounds great. I’m sure she would love that. She’s very much the bantering type. I’d love to do that too. I have moments when I do fine with it, but it’s a little rare I think. It’s never been something to come natural. I think I’m usually too nervous is the problem. I dunno.
Just try to work on it, there are tons of books and guides out there on how to do it. Like I was saying before, she’s probably turned on by bantering and intellectual comebacks. It keeps the blood flowing and makes for fun, at least probably for her. It’s also attractive before it shows strong male qualities. In other words, it’s not like doing it with a friend, it’s shows a strong character type for someone she likes. I actually noticed my ex was like that, loves to be sarcastic and witty bantering and then when I stopped doing it, I could see a huge change in her attraction for me.
So it’s been about 2 weeks since we last spoke on the phone. I messaged her last sunday and she replied in the morning saying she’s been really busy but we could talk tonight and that mondays are probably best and I said “Sure. Just let me know when you want to.” and she never came back, never said anything. Shortly before I went to bed I sent another message saying that I’d be up a little longer if she still wanted to talk. She responded the next day in the afternoon, saying she’s in the middle of exams so she doesn’t have much time but she’d try to message me that night and hopes I’m doing well. She then said “hope to ttyl”. She never said anything. And that’s the last I heard from her. That was on tuesday.
I just feel like… she doesn’t want to talk to me. Why does she keep doing this? Saying we can talk, then leaving me hanging? Does she want to talk or not? *sigh* I feel so low right now. I haven’t said anything else, i’m just waiting for her to say something now. I just feel so hopeless and empty. She should say something…
Ok, so let’s talk for a minute. The one thing that caught my eye is you feel really low right now and hopeless and empty. You’re gonna hate this but everything I’ve read is if you feel that way, you need to go back into a No contact for 30 days to get yourself together again. The main reason is her calling or not calling you, you’re letting it dictate how you feel. I know you’re still very much in love with her but you feeling the way you do, she’s going to pick up on that and it’s not going to look good to her and then she may decide not to talk to you again for awhile and then you’ll be hurt even more all over again. What you have to remember is she probably is really busy right now. She’s probably not intentionally trying to blow you off with stuff she has going on, but it seems like a relationship is the last thing on her mind right now.
What you have to put in perspective is that she’s a strong, stubborn person and she’s probably just off doing her own thing right now. I don’t think you should keep talking to her, let her come to you. You keep trying to talk to her first and it just looks to her like you’re waiting around with nothing to do and then she’s just going to run away from it. You have to at all costs to pull yourself together and focus on yourself again and not so much on her all the time. I’ve made soooo many mistakes putting the other person first and what they decide to do first and in the end, it leads down a bad road. You’re at their mercy which you never should be.
So, like I said….try to realize that she’s probably got a lot of stuff on her plate right now, so do what you need to do for YOU and only you. Don’t put too much emphasis on her contacting you right now. Even if she were to contact you and you were to start talking again, you’re still not at a high enough place (self esteem wise) that if she were to get busy and stop talking again, you don’t get hurt because of it. If she gets wind of your hopelessness and empty feeling, she’s going to run the other direction and leave you broken hearted again. So, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and just say “ok, she’s busy right now, I’m not going to bother her and let her come to me when she’s ready”….then you work on your self esteem and remember your worth is substantial without her in your life.
I understand. I’ve been trying to distract myself with things and not think about it too much. We spoke again last tuesday. I didn’t say anything, she messaged me and asked if she could call. We talked for an hour and it was very nice. We told each other what had happened during the past two weeks. I told her how I sprained my ankle and got stung by a wasp and we both laughed about how neither of us seem to be doing very well. She said she would like to talk twice a week but wasn’t sure if she had enough time, but that she would call me if she gets any down time. She said that she had been wanting to call me for the 2 weeks she didn’t before, but that she was just very overwhelmed by work and school and any free time she had she spent sleeping because she’s been very exhausted.
She also told me that if anything comes up, it’s all right if I message her. Like if I need her advice for something or injure myself again or whatever. I haven’t, but it was nice that she said that.
I’m really glad things are going a lot better. A month ago I wouldn’t have thought this would happen, so I am very grateful for it, but I am still very depressed about things overall. I had a fight with someone yesterday over really nothing important at all, I think because all my emotions are so close to the surface and I’ve been trying to hold it all back and distract myself and not think about these things because I am trying to stay calm and not screw things up again. The fight kind of triggered a breakdown and I cried for several hours afterwards.
She is definitely a huge part of this emotional typhoon I feel, but I think the reason why I’m having such an incredibly difficult part dealing with it is because I don’t feel happy about the other parts of my life. When I was with her I felt 100% more confident, like I could do anything. For the first time in my life I felt like things were actually going to be great and I felt truly happy. Now that she’s gone, all the problems I faced seem so much more difficult.
I go to college for a degree I don’t even know why. I don’t know what I want to be. I’m 24 and I feel like I’ve barely done anything worthwhile. I feel really stuck in my position. I feel kind of trapped. I don’t have very many friends and I spend most of my time in my room. There are things I’d like to do, but I feel so far away from everything I don’t know how to get there. I have pretty bad social anxiety to the point where it is extremely difficult for me to order pizza over a phone or ask for information at a help desk. I’ve been working on it a lot and tried very hard with her support to overcome a lot of things and I have become a lot better.
When my friend from israel mediated between her and I …during May I think… and I was trying to push my comfort zone, he said I should record myself ordering a pizza on the phone to show her because she knows that kind of thing is hard for me to do. He told her about it and she thought it was a great idea, so I did it.
Anyways, just looking at my life overall, it is very much not where I want to be. I feel very stuck and lost and my self-esteem and self-worth is currently very low. When I talk to her on the phone, I feel almost normal again for a few days. I’m so happy when she calls. During the rest of the days though, I miss her so much. It’s been around 4 months since we broke up now and it still feels like it just happened. I wish I knew what to do. I think I need to put myself together before I can hope for us to be together again but it’s such a confusing mess. I really love and miss her. I can easily say she’s the best thing in my life and losing her hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt. I never thought it would hurt like this.
Today is monday and she said mondays would probably work best, so it’s possible that she’ll call today, but I don’t know for sure. I’m sure she’ll say something soon.
I figured she was overwhelmed with all of her school work, etc….but she’s making an effort, so take comfort in that and as far as you dealing with your social anxiety issues, that’s great! You’re a lot different than when you were with your ex before so everything is slowly improving. I know you’re still depressed and you still miss her and love her but try to understand that you’ve made great strides since ya’ll broke up which definitely puts you in a huge positive light with your ex.
You may feel stuck in life right now, not knowing what to do or where to go but you will get there. All you can do is put your two feet forward and walk in life. Just keep doing what your doing by improving and you will get there. Just keep talking to her, keep joking, laughing, everything you’re doing. I know you’re still hurt and you’re looking to her to take you away from that hurt but know that you working on yourself is going to be the only way you can escape the hurt you feel over the breakup. If you depend on her to save you from the hurt, it’s not good. It’s easy to say you relied on her to boost your self-esteem but the problem with that is it puts to much pressure on her. That’s probably one reason she revolted the way she did when you broke up because she doesn’t want to be the one to fix you. She just wants to be a part of your life.
So, like I said…..keep working on yourself. You may not think so but you are improving daily even if it’s just baby steps.
Maybe it is. *sigh* I just finished my summer semester. Glad that’s over with. She sent me snapchats on tuesday and wednesday while at work and the first 3 days this week she had said “I’ll try to call tonight”. But never did and never said anything else. One of the days she said something about her phone dying and needing to get it fixed. She hasn’t been online since friday night now.
I keep having dreams about her. Really unpleasant dreams that make me wake up feeling scared as hell and so depressed. I miss her so much and every day is painful to get out of bed knowing she’s gone. I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time. Whenever I think of her face my heart just breaks. I feel so discouraged. It’s good that she has been the one contacting me and I know she wants to be friends again, but I want so much to make things work between us again and I have no idea what to do. Especially when she keeps saying “I’ll try to call tonight” then doesn’t contact me again for several days or a week or whatever. It’s been almost two weeks since we last talked on the phone now. and it was two weeks before. It’s frustrating. I want to work on us and figure things out, but I can’t with only an hour every two weeks. And she said she wants to talk twice a week, but I guess she’s going to have to make that happen if she really does…
I keep falling into days of depression where I just feel nauseous and physically ill. I want so much to tell her I love her again, something I said every day for such a long time, and now I can’t. I feel like such a mess. I feel like I need a vacation or something but I don’t know if that would even help. This semester was very difficult to deal with on top of this. I keep wondering if I should take a break. I feel so overwhelmed. I miss her so much. It’s hard to keep my mind away from it for very long.
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